Religious Intolerance In Indiana... And Everywhere Else

Imagine you are a Certified Public Accountant in Los Angeles and it's tax season. Imagine a famous person of some sort (of which there are many in Los Angeles) walks through your door and wants to hire you to do his taxes. Imagine that this person is infamous for being intolerant. It doesn't really matter what this person is intolerant of be it race, religion, gender, age, sexual persuasion, but let's assume that whatever it is, it's a topic that is near to your heart. Maybe he hates blacks and though you're white, your wife is black. Maybe he hates Muslims and your best friend is Muslim. Maybe he hates gays and your kid sister is a Lesbian. Whatever it is, this potential client is completely vile in his hatred. Now imagine this famous person is also wealthy (not a big stretch) and working for him will make you a lot of money. Furthermore, imagine that you feel so strong in your convictions that you refuse to give him the service he desires. You turn him down as a client.

Now imagine that he sues you for discrimination. Then, imagine that you lose this case and therefore lose your license to practice as a CPA, thus creating huge obstacles in your life. Should you truly be punished for standing up for your convictions that not only you, but everyone you know believes in and agrees with?

Finally, imagine the same scenario except that the conviction you feel so strongly about is a religious belief and you feel strong enough about it not to want to serve someone who your god tells you you shouldn't.

You see, in America we have rights. Chief among these rights is the right to religious freedom. It's one of the rights our country was founded upon.

At this point I'd like to make very clear (not that I need to among any who know me, but) though I was brought up Jewish, I don't subscribe to any religion and indeed feel that I am actually ANTI-religious. I feel that ALL religions are inherently evil in nature (and I'm not using evil in any mystical supernatural god-y sort of way).

So, a lot is being made about the Religious Freedom Restoration Act that was signed in Indiana, which by the way is the 20TH STATE to sign in this sort of law since 1994. Indiana's seems to be perhaps the broadest in scope of these. There are many that have even seen the inside of a court room: A police officer in Oklahoma claimed a religious objection when he refused to police a mosque. A photographer in New Mexico used religious freedom as a defense for not serving a lesbian couple in 2013. Another police officer in Salt Lake City cited his "religious liberty" when he refused to police a gay pride parade.

To be honest, my question is, WHO THE HELL CHOSE TO FILE THESE LAWSUITS?

Look, if I went to, say, a restaurant and was refused service because I'm Jewish, or because I'm under six feet tall, or because my eyes are brown, I would not file a discrimination suit. I would go to another restaurant, never return to the one which offended me, and badmouth it every chance I got. Why file suit? So that I can eat there knowing that the only reason I'm allowed is due to a court order? Do I feel winning that sort of case will make the owner of the business respect me and be more tolerant towards others like me? Will I get a petty sense of pride knowing that I put someone who I feel is in the wrong out of business? We in America litigate WAY too much and for reasons we should absolutely not be allowed to! But, that's another article.

On the flip side, let's say I'm that cop who refused to police the Pride Parade and I got fired for it. I sue the force to get my job back citing this law. Well, hey, it's part of my job as a Salt Lake City policeman to patrol any and every place in the city of Salt Lake. If I can't do this duty for whatever reason (religious included) then I'm not fit to serve on the force. End of story. Guess I should have thought about my religion before I swore to serve and protect every person in the city.

In my mind there is a difference between prejudice and intolerance.

Everyone is prejudiced... EVERYONE. There are very few Ghandi-like people in history who (supposedly) love everyone equally and to the utmost. Don't think you're prejudiced? Did you accept every offer for a date that you ever received in your life? Do you consider every person you know an equal friend? EVERYONE DISCRIMINATES. Maybe it makes you feel superior to know that you don't base your discriminations on a certain few criteria, but it makes you no better than those who do.

Everyone is prejudiced.

We cannot expect people to rid themselves of their prejudices. However, in America, we can expect them to rise above their prejudices. Because when they don't, it can lead to intolerance. Intolerance is using your prejudices to attack or deny another of his or her rights.

Perhaps this is where it gets murky. Because, why do you feel you have the right to walk into my business, no matter what that business is, and expect me to serve you? Seriously, why do you feel you have this right? Because I own a business? Aren't you taking away the rights of the business owner? Why do you feel this is ok?

On the other hand, we live in a democracy and let me explain to you what that means: If ONE more person in the country votes a certain way than the opposite, EVERYONE has to abide by that majority's rule. Doesn't matter if you know in your heart that whatever was voted for is right, wrong, or otherwise. We have rules in place to allow more votes in the future, but until more people feel another way (and vote for it), it's the law and we must all abide or suffer the consequences.

Thus, if we voted that to own a business you are legally not allowed to deny anyone service, then that is how you must run your business. That's not a law and I feel it never should be. Hell, if I want to open a business and serve no one, it should be my right. I mean it's not like you HAVE TO BUY from me if I own a business. Why should I HAVE TO SELL to you? I honestly believe if I wanted to place a sign in my store reading, "I do not serve minorities of ANY kind", that should be perfectly legal. I mean, if you saw that sign, why would you want to patronize the place anyway, and if no one did, it would go out of business as quickly as the shop that denied service to everyone.

So how do I feel about the RFRA in Indiana? I feel it SHOULD be unnecessary. I feel large businesses, defined as those with over 500 employees, should probably have to abide by SOME CERTAIN anti-discriminatory laws. Though really, if I own a multi-billion dollar corporation why shouldn't I be allowed to hire those I feel are best equipped to handle the different positions within it as opposed to a certain amount of minorities and handicapped who may not be the most capable or qualified? Or why shouldn't I be allowed to staff it with only my friends whether they're good at the jobs they hold or not. It's my damned company!

As for small businesses, I feel they should be able to hire whomever they choose and serve whomever they please with no fear of a court beyond the court of public opinion whose rulings, as we all know can be just as harsh, fickle, and illogical as those from any Supreme Court...

Holiday Decorations... Bah Humbug!

Ah, the holidays! Festive Food. Presents. Parties. Presents. NBA. College Football. Presents. School Vacations. Days off work. Presents. Family. Friends. Presents. Religion (for some). Presents. Snow (for some). Holiday Songs. Good will to all (for some). And let's not forget... Presents! Oh yeah, and DECORATIONS.

And so, as has become popular in recent years (I swear it did not exist when I was young) we have a debate on what sort of decorations, if any, we're ALLOWED to display.

Obviously this discussion is tied up around religious beliefs (as many ridiculous topics are). So, let's get this out of the way to start. According to Wikipedia I am what's considered an AGNOSTIC ATHEIST. This is different from a straight Atheist, straight Agnostic, or any of the gajillions of sub denominations that occur out there. On a side note, I just discovered this about myself fairly recently. By which I mean that I've known for a long time this is how I felt, but never realized there was an actual term that identified it so clearly. I love Wikipedia! OK, for those who don't know what this means or are too lazy to look it up here's the websites' definition: The view of those who do not believe in the existence of any deity, but do not claim to know if a deity does or does not exist.

On the other hand I thoroughly identify CULTURALLY as Jewish. It's how I was brought up and though I disregard the religious aspects, it is an important part of my life. Now you say I can't possibly reconcile those two ideas. How can I answer that? Hmmm. Oh yeah: Fuck off! I will not live by your weird rules and parameters so don't try to force me.

So, as an Agnostic Atheistic Jew what are my thoughts on holiday decorations? I imagine you're just dying to know.

Well here it is: Decorate as you please! Anywhere! Anything! Anyhow! I don't care. I love decorations. Any decorations. None offend me in any way. If you choose to have Satanic style decorations at your place, I think that is just freaking awesome! I would pay to see a plastic display of baby Satan in a manger surrounded by orgiastic animals engaging in blood sacrifice while three fire breathing demons reenacted the giving of gold, frankenstein, and mud (as long as it was all completely safe and the flames from the fire breathing demons aimed to the sky without any possibility of damage or injury).

And furthermore I don't care if this is staged at a house, school, church, government center, park, or mall (again, as long as it is all completely safe).

The idea that anyone takes issue with holiday decorations be they public or private is simply beyond my comprehension.

What I'm reading is that Christians feel they should be able to put up extremely religious based decorations basically anywhere they please because "America is a Christian nation at heart".

Non Christian religionists feel offended because they're having Christmas "Rammed down their throats and slighted because no one ever puts out their religious ornamentations".

Non-Religionists are threatened by the religious aspects that they feel are dangerous as well as the feeling that "Public places such as Schools, Parks, or Government Buildings should fall under separation of church and state".

I think I've covered all the angles. And because groups of people left without guidance can almost never come to an intelligent conclusion I often read stories about places where the people have decided that there will be no decorations of any kind so as not to offend anyone. There's always follow ups to this that mentions the Christians feel like Christmas is being taken away from them (usually by evil Jews or Muslims (shiver)).

Ya'll are just crazy!

Anyone should be free to decorate his or her private place however he or she wants (as long as it's not PHYSICALLY dangerous). I'm fairly certain there's something in our constitution that decrees this. If you don't want yourself or your family to see it, then don't look.

Ok, but what about public areas? Places we all HAVE to go? Why should we be forced to see these vile ornamental props when we're out and about since a baby jesus or a dressed up tree offends some to their very core? Why should we be forced to put up silver and blue crap when we only want to see green and red crap and GOD FORBID someone make us look at whatever crap it is that those Kwanzaa people use to celebrate their heathen religion!?!?

Well, I'll tell you: It's because America is a melting pot that promotes Freedom of Religion and Expression! I honestly feel that if you have a community of all Christians and they decorate their entire city to celebrate Christmas, this should be completely fine and it's none of your freaking business if you don't live there! However, if they have one African who wants to have Kwanzaa decorations, the city should do it's best to accommodate him. Period. Thus, any public spot that has one style should have both. Or more if there is a more diverse community and those members request it. And why not? Is there truly no room to celebrate all these holidays publicly?

And if non-religionists have a problem with this, I feel it's simply too bad for them. If they live in a town where EVERYONE wants no decorations in public spots, then so be it! Otherwise I think they need to get over it.

I grew up in a very multi-ethnic community. I always felt accepted (religiously speaking), but I do recall as a youngster only very rarely ever seeing Hanukkah decorations outside of personal abodes. It simply didn't bother me. In fact, I never thought about it at all. My house was always decorated Jewishly (if that' a word) and it was fine by me. Look, if I was truly upset by this, then as an adult I would have worked toward making sure there were Hanukkah decorations displayed around my city every year along with the Christmas ones. And believe me, it could have been done. There was (and is) a HUGE Jewish population where I grew up in South Florida. If you feel the need to do this, fine. It simply didn't matter to me and still doesn't.

Seeing Christmas, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus, or (I don't know) Ramadan decorations does not offend or threaten me. I never feel they're being rammed down my throat, belittling my own beliefs, or causing myself or my children (if I had children) to be confused about religion in any way.

I'm guessing this is because 1. I'm an incredibly well adjusted person and 2. I'm very confident in who I am and in my beliefs. If someone tells me their religion is better than mine I don't take them at face value or feel threatened. I can make educated decisions for myself and if my children have any questions arising from holiday decorations I feel perfectly competent to be able to discuss these rationally with them so they too will be able to only feel joy at seeing them.... As I do.

Because in the end, that's what they're for. Oh sure, some people are truly moved by the religious aspects of holiday decorations and that's awesome. They should be if they want. While others should be able to enjoy them simply for the beauty or joyful feelings seeing them brings. If for some reason a particular decoration doesn't bring you happiness, perhaps you should figure out why. Maybe it's you who has an issue and not the decoration. Or maybe you can simply ignore that particular spot and check out some others. If all decorations upset you... You're the fucking Grinch, go slink off to a cave with your dog until Christmas is over. (On second thought, don't take your dog, he probably likes the decorations).

Either way, I sincerely wish, for everyone out there in the world to be able to enjoy ALL the decorations and have a HAPPY HOLIDAY!!!

CP3, The Machine, My Continuing Disgust With Lebron Haters, And A Possible Fix To Free Agency

Like most basketball fans yesterday, I watched in fascination as the Chris Paul trade evolved, transpired, and finally dissolved in a League Veto. And I’ll admit, I was a bit shocked by the situation as I agree with many commentaries I’ve read in that the league owning the Hornets is clearly a conflict of interest. At least to my untrained eye (though I do fancy myself to be someone with a healthy dose of sports acumen) the Chris Paul trade seemed pretty fair all around. New Orleans, who the league is and should be trying to protect, got a rather nice haul of players as well as an extra draft choice for a single guy.

But what no one is mentioning at all is the fact that Chris Paul, much like Carmelo Anthony did last year and Dwight Howard is in the process of doing now, has completely hijacked his team and is forcing it to trade him where he wants regardless of what it gets in return or other consequences. How does this not bring down the wrath of societal morality in the same way it did on the head of Lebron James last year? Actually, there’s really no comparison between the two trios because Lebron (and Wade and Bosh) were free agents. Let me repeat that: Lebron James was an unrestricted free agent. In other words he had completely fulfilled his contract and had NO more obligations toward the team he’d formerly been signed by. He was free and unrestricted and therefore allowed to play WHEREVER he so chose.

That’s the way the system is set up and I see nothing wrong with that. Take it from a guy who sees his favorite players walk away EVERY off season in free agency to the Nets (Alonzo Mourning), Red Sox (Manny Ramirez), Phillies (Jim Thome). Pretty much every good player the Indians or Browns develop either leaves via free agency after three to five years (or is traded away before he gets the chance) to the best teams in their respective leagues every off season. That’s sports. Sure it sucks, but do I hate those players who decided to leave? Of course not, that’s freaking stupid. The only players I hate are the ones who did horrible things to my favorite teams on the field: John Elway (actually, I hate the Broncos altogether), Michael Jordan, Dirk Nowitzki, The ‘97 Marlins, and ‘95 Braves. But, I don’t really HATE these people or teams, I only hate them in respect to my teams that they beat in key games/series. So, why do people hate Lebron? They feel betrayed? Well, anyone outside of Cleveland is certainly not allowed to use that as an excuse, but honestly, its laughable for Clevelanders too. Hell, the only reason Lebron was even on the Cavs (despite the fact that he’s from Ohio and grew up a fan) was because Cleveland was lucky enough to not only SUCK the year Lebron came out, but also win the draft lottery and get the #1 pick. If they hadn’t, James would have gone to a different team, hometown Ohio hero or not. He played for the Cavs for money. I’m sure he was happy to be there and genuinely wanted to bring a title to Cleveland, but he was/is first and foremost an employee. He owes nothing to the city of Cleveland, the Cavaliers as a team, and most especially the Cleveland fans. Why should he? Please tell me why? Do you owe this loyalty to the place where you work? If you had a better opportunity elsewhere you’re telling me you wouldn’t go? Why do you Clevelanders and all Lebron haters feel this weird entitlement??? Which only leaves the decision show. If that’s your reason for hating Lebron James, you’re fooling yourself and I can prove it. Ask yourself this: if Lebron had made his ‘Decision’ and it was to “Keep his talents on Lake Erie” would you still hate him? That's right, you WOULDN'T. Thus, it wasn’t the show itself, but only the fact that he headed to Miami. If Lebron had used the show to inform us he was staying in Cleveland the only thing that would be remembered about it was that it raised a few hundred thousand for underprivileged kids.

Thus, if you liked Lebron before he went to Miami, (unless you’re a Cavs fan) you’re pretty stupid for suddenly hating him after. And to the Cavs fans, you kinda need to get over it. Take a page from the St. Louis Cardinals who just lost a player to free agency that critics are calling the best to have played in the last 50 years. I bet there won’t be any Cavs type backlash. I’d further bet that when Pujols returns to play a game against the Cards (interleague of course), that the fans give him a standing O for his wonderful time there. Even though his team was sure they would resign him right until the moment he blindsided them by heading elsewhere. Even though he was on a championship team and left for no reason other then money (and Lebron took less money to have his best shot at a title).

But, of course all this is beside the point because Pujols and James were unrestricted free agents with the ability to sigh wherever they desired. And they used that freedom. Chris Paul and Dwight Howard on the other hand have not played out their contracts yet. They are the property of their respective teams for one more year. However, they are manipulating the system in a far more devious and malicious manner (much like Carmelo did last year) and no one seems to have a problem with it. We even forget that despite the fact that James and Bosh were free agents they did sign-and-trades with their respective teams so that the Cavs and the Raptors got a bunch of draft choices. Yes, it allowed the Heat to get the players for an extra contract year, but they didn’t have to do that. They didn’t have to give those former teams a single thing. But, the players and the Heat are class acts. Howard, Melo, and CP3? Not so classy. Yet, no one has any problem with them. In fact, we feel bad for Chris Paul because the League vetoed his trade! Niether he nor the others will be booed when they come to town with their new team. They won’t be despised (probably not even by people in Denver, Orlando, or New Orleans). No one will burn their jerseys or make signs with language that can’t be displayed on TV. Actually, I think I should stop for a moment and ask “What is fucking wrong with people?”.

Does anyone even REMEMBER the above photo???

But, I’m not simply someone who will bitch about things without offering suggestions on how to fix them.

What if the only way a player can sign a max contract or even a near max (say anything over 12 million a year) is with the guarantee that he has to stay with the team he’s on and re-up every time his contract expires. If that player decides he wants to leave he has to inform the team during the off season before his last year and at that time the contract reverts to 40% of its value (but not in trade value (meaning that in a trade the other team would still have to give up the full value of the original contract)) and they’re allowed to become unrestricted free agents at years end. This way, the team knows a full year in advance that they have to make arrangements for either replacing him after that year or trading him AND the teams gets the 60% in cap space to use to help them out immediately. Star players will REALLY have to want to leave their team (which is fine) but owners are at least somewhat protected. Maybe the teams even get a sandwich draft choice (and cap allowance for signing) when those types of players leave as well? Perhaps not a perfect idea, but maybe a good start.

Ok, rant over…
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The Office Air Conditioner, or Stupid People Abound!

Now, I know from experience that rarely if ever is everyone happy with the temperature in any given room. I grew up in South Florida; the hottest, muggiest, most insect ridden swatch of swampland outside of a rainforest. I was ALWAYS hot. The fact that my folks were ALWAYS cold and kept the thermostat at a sweltering (to me at least) 78 degrees all year round (except when the bastards opened the windows to my undying hatred) helped to give me a very unhappy childhood (temperature-wise at least). Still, it didn’t matter if the air was on and everyone around me was cold. I became a master at finding available objects to make fans out of and if you spotted me I was invariably fanning myself with one of them.

So, naturally I expect whatever office I work at to be difficult environment for me to be comfortable in. I have a simple theory about keeping it cold in public places and it goes something like this: If it’s too cold for you, put on more clothes. If it’s too warm, there are only so many clothes you can take off. Right?

The office I work in is actually a converted duplex. When the weather was chillier a few months ago, I had no problems. However, of late, as we enter the dog days of August I’ve been wanting to peel my skin off to stay cool. The average day is something like: When I arrive in the morning it’s usually somewhat cool outside, though it’s already too warm inside for me. The front door is wide open and sometimes the metal screen door is shut, sometimes it’s not. I mention this because we have such a horrible time with flies in the office it pisses me off to no end that people can’t keep the damned screen shut. Seriously, the folks I work with must have been raised in barn! Anyway, as the sun creep higher in the sky and things heat up, someone (usually either Duckface or I) flips on the A/C and shut the front door. It immediately becomes rather Arctic and everyone complains. I will often times raise the thermostat a few degrees to appease everyone, but every time I look it’s lowered back to a bone-chilling 70 degrees.

Now, I simply put on my jacket and am fine, but others will do stupid things like, prop the front door open even though the heat from outside, while intense, will not reach anyone’s desk enough for him or her to feel it. And then, of course, the rooms are buzzing with flies. The Filipino chick who sits in the main room is shivering in her mini-dress and mumbling how cold it is. It’s been this way for about 6 weeks and I’m guessing it’ll stay like this for at least another 6 before the weather changes outside. But, she’s pretty steadfast about wearing skimpy clothes and sandals and NOT bringing a jacket or sweater to work.

So, I go into the other room where Duckface sits with my boss, a really cool Armenian woman with the beautiful name of Ripsime (which of course no one can pronounce so she’s solely called Rita at work). I’m wearing a jacket and have to remove it immediately because it’s crazy hot in there. I mention this and they both complain about how warm it is. Now how is this possible? It’s one A/C unit supplying conditioned air to all 3 rooms in the office. Well, I go poking around a bit and discover that their vent is almost completely closed! There’s barely a trickle of wind puffing out and it’s aimed directly toward the ground. When I inform them and offer to open it they both scream, “No! It’ll get too cold!”. It seems they hate the cold. Of course, I don’t have to open the vent all the way and a happy medium COULD be achieved, but apparently they’re not open to this.

Then I find out it’s Duckface who keeps cranking the thermostat down! I don’t even have words to relate…

So, in the end, I’m the only one who enjoys the temperature at work. When it’s too hot in the morning I flip on the air (or Duckface does it first) and when it’s too cold for me I put on my jacket. Everyone else complains most of the day and I really have no sympathy because one main rule that I abide by has always been: STUPID PEOPLE DON’T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

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Cigarettes: The Rant

WARNING: the following rant may be offense to some and I really don't care...

I have often wondered why people smoke cigarettes. Aside from the fact that anyone who smokes is an inconsiderate asshole who is polluting my world and ME SPECIFICALLY whenever that person smokes in my presence, why would anyone want to smoke in general.

There aren’t too many reasons that I can think of why people begin smoking. There are those who saw it at some point and thought it was cool. Maybe your parents or someone you thought of as glamorous as a child. And that’s a totally understandable reason for a person to take up smoking. Well, anyone that’s under the age of twelve and still has posters of rock stars and teen idols on his or her walls. Then there’s peer pressure; those who were ‘forced’ to smoke because their friends do it and they don’t want to feel left out or get razzed. Sheep, basically. The last thing that comes to mind is someone who just wants to experiment. Again, understandable. Hey, I’ve experimented with heroin, but I didn’t decide to continue doing it on a regular basis for the rest of my life. Whereas many cigarette experimenters do indeed continue smoking straight up until death; sometimes even due to those very cigarettes.

I honestly can’t think of any other reason.

It’s not like when you smoke that first ever cigarette you go, “God DAMN that was good! That was the best FUCKING experience of my life!”. Yes, I have smoked cigarettes as well as other substances and I can say from my own experience that the first cigarette is not a pleasure. In fact, I’ve spoken to MANY cigarette smokers and just about all of them said that their first experience with smoking was particularly NOT pleasurable. They had to go back and do it again… And again… Until they were addicted.

ADDICTED, you say? No smokers are addicted. Every one of them can quit whenever he wants. He just doesn’t want to. Um, yeah, you’re addicted. No, no, any time I get busy I totally forget about smoking altogether. In fact, I’ve gone for days even weeks without a cigarette when I get busy. Uh-huh. Well, let me tell you something. I run. I hate it. The minutes drag. The SECONDS freaking drag. It makes me want to freak out sometimes. However, I’ve found that when I keep my mind occupied with music, or even daydreaming, the minutes can fly by without notice. See the correlation? Keep busy and you can forget about what your body wants you to do. Sorry, smokers, you’re addicted.

To say it’s your “CHOICE’ to smoke is ridiculous. YOU’RE ADDICTED. Therefore, by definition, you have NO CHOICE.

And thusly, I feel about you the same as I feel about all addicts. You’re weak; physically and mentally. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean I personally couldn’t totally love you despite your addiction. Hell, my own mother was a HEAVY smoker for over 40 years and if you tell me I don’t love my mother I’ll tell you to your face to go fuck yourself.

Still, I see a smoker as exactly the same as I see an alcoholic. Come to think of it, every alcoholic I’ve known has been a smoker. That’s not to say that every drinker smokes or that every smoker drinks. I’m sure that’s not the case.

Now we must add to this argument I’m drawing up the point that there is now SO MUCH evidence that shows how detrimental cigarettes are to people who use them that if you WEREN’T addicted you would have to be literally STUPID to want to smoke.

Ok, then. I’m sure I’ve offended many people with my rant. And people who I consider my friends may 1) think I don’t like them as much as they thought and/or 2) might no longer like ME as much as THEY thought. I hope that’s not the case. I don’t hate anyone because he or she smokes, but I do hate the fact THAT he or she smokes.

I’ve heard all sorts of bullshit arguments from people who smoke on why they should be able to not only smoke, but do it anywhere they want. None of their logic has stuck with me. The most basic conviction is that it’s a persons right as a free individual. On this, I do agree. People have the right to be as stupid as they want. However, they do not and should not have the right to force me or anyone who does not want to be associated with that vileness to have to deal with it.

I know many smokers who would say, “Fine, stay the fuck away from me then.”

They may or may not know it, but I do. However, there are others I know who can’t get away from those foul smokers as easily. Know any smokers with children? I truly feel awful for those kids. I always have the option to walk out the door when someone lights up. I also have the option to smack the offending asshole up the side of the head with a brick and then crush out the smoldering butt on his butt. A child does not have these options. And truthfully, many others don’t either. Say, you’re at a party and people are smoking in the house. Sure, you COULD leave the party. Or maybe you can’t. Maybe you got a ride there and have to wait. Now you can no longer stay in the house where your good friends are watching something cool on the tube, or singing songs, or playing guitar. You have to go out in the fresh air where there’s only a stray dog to keep you company and it keeps farting whenever you go to pet it! Or you could just deal with not being able to breathe. I mean really, is oxygen that important to anyone?

Certainly, people who know me and know that I’m deathly allergic to cigarette smoke and become physically ill when confronted with it probably think I’m overreacting. I know smokers who have said to my face that second-hand smoke has absolutely no effect on anyone; that’s all bullshit made up by the MAN to try to take my heroin away (excuse me, cigarette). To that I can only say ‘FUCK YOU’ and I only wish there was some way to make you as sick as I feel when forced to breathe smoke.

Well, I’m not sure if there was a point to this rant, but it always feels good to write down my thoughts and as I’ve been experiencing a little writers block the last week, it feels doubly good.

I hope I haven’t upset any of my friends, cause I truly didn’t mean to. You should realize how much I care for you by the fact that despite my strong beliefs I still want to hang with you.

However, I stand by every word I’ve written and if you have a reply you know where to find me.
I never hide.

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Another Short Rant On Stupid People

This one doesn’t have a point as much as it’s simply me throwing my hands in the air, begging “Why God, why?” much like Willem DaFoe in Platoon just before he’s shot down by the VietKong, and voicing my frustration and lack of understanding at a society of people I simply can’t comprehend.

So, let me set the scene. At the present I have a very short commute to work, for which I’m quite thankful. Most of that ride has me along the Chandler Bike Path. I really like this bike path; It’s like this big sidewalk all to itself beside the road. There’s a wide grass swale with an even wider paved trail painted with lines to section it for cyclists as well as pedestrians. I have personally enjoyed both walking and riding upon it and often people watch while driving along its length. Folks walk their dogs on it and children play; it’s really a patch of heaven in an otherwise boring swatch of city.

Chandler itself is a narrow two lane road; one lane going in each direction, with cars normally parked along the side opposite the bikepath. The parked cars allowed for very little room on the street for passing motorists. When a large truck is parked sometimes it may stick out far enough that one will have to swerve into the oncoming lane to pass. Luckily, this road is usually fairly empty. I drive it often and rarely have problems manuevering.

And then come the STUPID PEOPLE.

So, I’m on my merry way to wherever, chugging down Chandler Boulevard, enjoying the day and watching a hot chick jog on the path beside me when all of a sudden I’m forced to slow down to a near crawl because there’s a guy riding his bike down the middle of my lane. WHAT?!?! Why is he doing this? Doesn’t he see that there’s a bike path RIGHT THERE?!?! It’s scant feet away from him and virtually empty beside the hot running girl.

I can’t for the life of me imagine what must be going through this idiots head. I wait for a car to pass going the other way and then I pull around him while rolling down my window and I inform him (in case he didn’t know) in a voice well above a yell (I am driving by and need to be heard), “There’s a bike path RIGHT THERE!”

He simply gives me the finger and continues pedaling on without even glancing in my direction. Now why would he do that? Is he angry with me? What did I do wrong? What am I missing here? Am I not seeing clearly? Am I at fault? Is this person NOT stupid? And this isn’t an isolated incident! This has happened multiple times.

Now, I’ve wracked my brain trying to figure out what the logic may possibly be behind this course of action and I can’t think of a single thing. Can any of my nonexistant readers supply some ideas cause I’m totally at a loss. However, I do know that if there weren’t laws against killing people (even stupid people, we’re not supposed to kill them either… Really) the next time I come across one of these assholes I’d plow my car right through him and continue on my merry way while keeping my eyes glued to the hot chick jogging safely on the bike path fifteen feet away. Ya think she’d give me her number if I asked?

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My Horrible Experience With Time Warner Cable - The RANT

100% true experience related from a while back - Only the names are changed to protect the GUILTY!

So my computer was giving me these annoying pop-ups which is unusual because my CA-Security Suite provided by Time Warner with my cable works pretty well blocking spy-ware and such. I didn’t think much of it as they were fairly infrequent and went along with my business until I went to burn a copy of the DVD ‘Class‘, an old Rob Lowe movie that I have a fondness for. My burning software wouldn’t work which upset me to no end. I tried all sorts of things and continued to get the same error message. As a last resort I did a Yahoo search on that error message and was told repeatedly from many sites that it was due to a virus. I opened up my CA Security Suite and was informed that my spy-ware protection was not enabled. Sonofabitch. I tried to enable it, but no, error messages abounded. Sonofabitch.
So, I made the mistake of calling Time Warner to get them to fix things for me and here’s what happened…

First of all you have to go through a terrible automated system to get to the correct extension. The last but one option asks what sort of problem do you have (Connectivity, pass word, something I can’t remember, or anything else). Mine was ‘anything else’ so I pushed 4 and was greeted with a sickly sweet woman’s voice explaining to me that I can’t reset my password without my modem mac address which she then told me very slowly THREE fucking times (It’s a 12 digit sequence) and then reminded me that I CAN NOT fix password issues without this number which she then repeated again. It goes without saying that since my problem was NOT with my password, I had no need of this message. And you might think that sure, it’s a nuisance, but it’s only about three or four more minutes wasted, so big deal, right? Well, if you actually finish reading this rant and count the number of times I had to call and be subjected to this stupidity you’d be somewhere near realizing my irritation.

It’s the middle of the night and I get someone with an Indian accent whose name I couldn’t pronounce. It may have been Guacamole. I’m normally very nice to tech support people. I know what a suck ass job it is. I’ve had telephone jobs myself. I tried, I mean really tried to explain my problems to this guy, but he was so clueless and I had such a difficult time understanding every word he spoke because of his accent that in the end I just hung up on him and called again to get someone else. (The automated system) and then I get a new guy who was also Indian. Tampex, I think was his name. He was better. It took nearly ten minutes for him to understand what I was getting at, but eventually he suggested a solution. Before I was able to try it however I got a call on my other line. Now, it’s probably 3:30 in the morning and I’m not expecting anyone so I do what comes natural and ignore it. But, whoever it is hangs up after getting my machine and calls right back. My line keeps beeping and if you’ve ever spoken to me on my phone when I get a second call, you’d know that the connection goes completely out for about two or three seconds per beep making conversation impossible until the call goes to voice mail or hangs up. The person calls back a third time and now I decide to answer it if for no other reason then to yell at whoever it is. I don’t recognize the number and of course it ends up being none other then Guacamole. I tried not to be angry and explain that yes, we must have gotten disconnected and yes I called back and am with someone else. Naturally by the time he let me go I had lost the call with Tampex and needed to call back a third time.

After getting through the automated system I was put on hold, which was normal, but got promptly disconnected again just before the Time Warner music should have chimed in. Fourth call. Automated system. I know my fucking modem mac address by heart already and am way tired of having it repeated to me (it’s 00e06f7704a4 just in case any or you care). I am now speaking to Punjab who is ultra nice and terribly sorry for all the problems I’ve had so far this evening. I can only imagine the abuse these poor people must take on a nightly basis. Well, Punjab goes through his little list of all the possible fixes to my spy-ware woes and it’s discovered that the software won’t update and that’s why it stopped working. I believe a virus got in and caused this, but I’m keeping my mouth shut and hoping I’ll just get it fixed and forget about it. But, no, nothing we try works and eventually Punjab informs me that I need to completely uninstall CA Security Suite and reinstall, as it has become corrupted somehow. I’m a little dubious of this suggestion, but what the hell, he’s the expert, right? I’m mostly worried because not only am I getting rid of my anti-spy ware, but also my anti-virus protection, my fire-wall, and my anti-spam. Still, it should only be for as long as it takes download and reinstall the program. I uninstall CA Security Suite. Now Punjab tells me that the new software is waiting for me in my Roadrunner emailbox. Well. I’ve never ever used my Roadrunner emailbox. I don’t even know what web page it’s on. He directs me to it, but I can’t get in because the password has never been set. AHA! I can set it cause I know my modem mac address!!! Well, no I can’t because the reason that message is on the automated system is that Time Warner is having password issues across the country and they are having to reset everyone’s passwords. That’s fine, but it seems my specific area is still out of service and unable to reset so I’m shit out of luck. I not only have no anti-spy-ware protection on my computer, but I have NO protection AT ALL on my computer until… when exactly Punjab? Oh, sir, says Punjy (my pet name for him, we’re old friends by now), email is very important. And when it’s up you can reset your password yourself and install without me. It should be up in an hour or so. We’re working very hard. Oh I’m sure they are, but I ask, as an old friend who deserves a straight answer, will it really be a few hours or will it be more like a few days. Cause, ya see, if it’s really a few hours I’ll probably go back to the site often and check whereas if it’s a few days I’ll try maybe once a day so as not be regularly pissed off every few hours. Oh sir, email is very important, it should only be a few hours. REALLY Punjy? Cause I have no protection, so… Oh sir, I would recommend when going on line not to go to any web sites. Oh yeah? Don’t go to any web sites while I’m on line? That should be easy. And hey, it’s only a few hours.

Four days later the site is fixed and I reset my password. By now I’m having serious problems with my computer. The moment I turn it on I get pop-ups and when I finally get them all closed commercials start blaring out my speakers. No picture. Nothing I can turn off, just sound coming from nowhere apparently. Many of these commercials are not in English. Whenever I do a search and chose a link it goes to the same four or five sites trying to sell me various crappy products. Then, when I got into my roadrunner mailbox I couldn’t download the software. I found thereafter that I couldn’t download any sort of anti-spy ware software. I either got error messages or timed out screens.

Back to the phone where I was forced to navigate the auto system again and listen to my modem mac address for the umpteenth time. Now the person to answer was a woman and she was Hispanic. Her name might have been Charo. It took at least twenty minutes to explain my problems to Charo who wanted to retry all the same possible solutions that the previous customer service techs had. By now I was pretty frustrated and just wanted this fixed. As I tried to be nice she kept me on the phone for nearly an hour before bumping me up to Tier 2 Tech Support as they call it and Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez. Tuco was much more knowledgeable, but alas just as clueless on how to solve my problems. Another hour of following his instructions. I was actually able to download the CA software, but it would not install. Tuco was at a loss and eventually he told me to hold while he transferred me to Tier 3. Now I’m getting freaking high. By this time I wish I was high as of course, I was disconnected enroute. It was late so I decided to call back another time which turned out to be a few days later.

I gave Maria Conchita my reference number (I got a different one with each call) to get straight back to Tier 3 but lovely Maria wanted to fix my problems herself though I promised her that I’d been through a score of Tier 1 people. But if I would only explain my troubles, she promised she could help me. When I abjectly refused and demanded, she said she would have to read all the notes from the other Techs before she could decide what to do and put me on hold without asking if it was alright. There must have been a lot of notes cause she was gone for a LOOOONG time and when she came back she began by asking me to try doing something that I’d tried with those before her multiple times. I must admit that I snapped at this point and told her I would not do that. I HAD done it and it didn’t work. AND I didn’t intend to say another word until she transferred me to Tier 3. She attempted to conversate me a few times but I only responded with ‘transfer me to Tier 3’. Finally, she did.

Tier 3 was Alice. She was ridiculously nice. I can only assume that while throwing apologies and pleasantries at me she was constantly crossing herself and praying to the Virgin Mary that I didn’t fly to Argentina to do a Black Dahlia on her. I can only imagine that Alice gets only the most pissed off of all the Time Warner customers routed to her. And that’s saying something! She reminded me of the Jewish maids in Ralph Fienes house in Schindler’s List and it made me feel kinda bad for being so angry. Still, after a half hour with her I was no nearer to a solution. Alice gave up (actually quicker then some of the others I’d spoken to) and told me that I would need to speak to the CA Tech people themselves. AHA! Now we’re getting somewhere. No we’re not. You see, she could not contact them directly so she was going to send them my info and they would call me within the next 24 hours. What the FUCK?!?! It was Saturday evening about 6 and I was preparing to head out and Alice just told me that these people might call tonight or any time until 6 pm Sunday. So, what? I’m supposed to sit at home and wait? OH my fucking god was Alice sorry for his inconvenience. I mean REALLY FUCKING SORRY.

Well, screw that. I wasn’t gonna let them ruin my weekend. I did the things I needed to and when I got home I checked my messages. Absolutely no one had phoned by the time I went to sleep Saturday night (which was actually well into Sunday morning). And hey, no one from CA called Sunday either. Nor did they call Monday or Tuesday.

Wednesday, I found some time and scraped up the gumption to phone back yet again. Oh that damned automated system with my modem mac address. Tier 1, some Hispanic chick. Her name might have been Chiquita Banana. It only took about ten to fifteen minutes to get her to understand that I wanted to be transferred to the CA Tech people. She told me that apparently though Alice put the ticket through to have them call me, every ticket for CA has to be approved and mine wasn’t. Therefore no call. And of course no one bothered to mention this to me before or after I was told to expect their call in twenty four hours. She said she would put me on hold and get a supervisor to approve the ticket while I waited. That’s more like it. She put me on hold and disconnected me. FUCKING BITCH!!! Called back again. Automated freaking system. Tier 1, Emmanuel. That’s his real name. I hate him so much he deserves to be outed. Emmanuel refused to do as I asked and approve the ticket to CA. He felt the need to fix my problems himself and since I was being belligerent he was forced to read the entire five volume leather bound set of notes on my case file offering me the most insane advice on how to fix things. By now I was totally fuming. We probably spoke for about ten minutes or so, but it seemed like hours of him asking me questions and me sort of telling him the answers, but also telling him “I’ve been through all this and I need to speak to the CA people”. Eventually he says to me, “You’re right, you have a problem if you can’t reinstall CA.” No shit Sherlock! “Well, there’s only one thing you can do”, he continues, “You only have one option and nothing else.” Oh yeah, what’s that? “Do you have some sort of hardware to back up your file?”, he asks. WHAT? WHY? “Oh, you’re going to have to reformat your computer.”
I went ballistic. Yo, dude, just put your manager on right now. Well, we don’t need that sir. Put him on NOW! I want to speak to him NOW! Well, why sir? I mean what should I tell him? Tell him I want to speak to him NOW!
I was placed on hold and was quite sure I’d be disconnected, but alas on came Angel, a very sweet young girl who I’m sure had been duly warned of my condition. I could barely speak by the time she answered and I felt the need to tell her that her idiot assistant had just advised me to reformat my drive. Even she said, “What? Why?” I tried to explain briefly to her all that had transpired and she also refused to help me saying that she could not transfer me to the CA people without first going through all the options available to the three Tiers to fix the problems themselves. She just couldn’t seem to understand that I had been through those Tiers multiple times. She was pissing me off even more. Finally, she said, ok, she would see what she could do and she put me on hold. Oh, you guessed it all right. Click. Dial tone!!!!

That’s right. I called back immediately. Automated system and then got to Pina Colada. I didn’t even want to waste words on her. I told her I needed to speak to Tier 3 and I gave her my reference number. She said, get this, she is Tier three. She’s Tier 1, 2, and 3. Uh-huh. I went through my shpiel and told her I wanted to speak with the manager who had hung up on me. I even remembered her name and gave it to Pina Colada who gave me some lame excuse that Angel worked in another department and so she had no way to reach her. Is that bullshit or what? I’ve worked in offices. That’s BULLSHIT. Pina Colada told me she had to read my notes before she could determine what needed to be done. I begged. I pleaded. I burst into tears and sobbed. Would she please start with the most recent note instead of the oldest? PLEASE??? She sounded skeptical, but agreed and asked me to hold. NO! GOD NO! I’ve been disconnected too many times while on hold and you actually sound intelligent. I don’t want to lose you!!! She promised that she wouldn’t lose me and on hold I went. I don’t think she only read the last note, but she definitely didn’t read them all as she was back with me after a few minutes. She sounded shaken as if she had actually lived through some of the telephone calls she had read about. She began by offering her sincerest apologies at my plight. It seemed in the interim my ticket to CA had been approved and once again they would call me within 24 hours. But that’s ridiculous, I said. And yet that’s all she could do. She swore up and down that they had no way to directly reach CA or transfer me to them. She asked if there was a good time to call so it wasn’t too large a window. I appreciated that a lot and asked for a slot between noon and midnight. I heard her typing away and that was the end of that.

As anyone who is acquainted with me knows I normally stay up all night and sleep all day. Even a call at noon will probably catch me in bed. And so, the phone rang promptly at 8am. I woke groggy and unable to tell what the hell was going on. By the time I tipped the receiver off the cradle to make that horrible noise stop the call had gone to voice mail.

I retrieved the message. It told me to call the cable company with a ticket number she provided and have them transfer me to CA. And so, I did… After getting through the damned automated system again of course. This time it was Oscar Torres and he couldn’t understand what I wanted at all. I said, I have a reference number and need to be transferred to the CA tech people please and he kept asking, “why, what is the matter with your computer?”. After having no less then five renditions of this same dialogue I was forced to hang up and call back, going through the automated system yet again to get someone with at least half a brain. This would be Carmen Miranda. Carmen too wanted to fix my problems for me but I only had to go through the dialogue three times with her before she decided to read my file notes instead of talking to me. It took a bit, but she too returned apologetic and informed me that no, neither she nor anyone there was able to transfer me to CA no matter what ticket number I had. However, she would personally send them a letter and have them call me right back. What does that mean, right back, I asked? A few hours at the most. And when, in a few hours I have had no call from them, what then, I asked? She had no response and I continued digging at her until she admitted I would need to call back and go through this exact exchange again.

That was this morning. It’s midnight and they never called. There is no end to this story, or at least not yet, but it’s made me feel better to write it. Before I began writing I found a number on line for Tech Support for CA. I’ll attempt to call it directly tomorrow and maybe I’ll let you know how things turned out.

If you read all this crap, I hope it was at least worth a chuckle to learn about my travails.


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Bathroom Door Ettiquette

So, I haven’t posted on my blog in a while and I’m not too happy about it. I realize it’s probably because I’ve been a little bit depressed. Normal stuff; Money problems, relationship problems, career problems, an overall sense of boredom with my life. You know, mid-life crisis things. Oh yeah, and a friend of mine killed himself recently. Still, it’s nothing that I’m too worried about. I mean, I’m not thinking of doing anything drastic, so there’s no need to talk me off a ledge or anything. I only bring it up because of one of the last things I told my buddy who commit suicide: “Buddy”, I said barely a week before he done the deed, “When you’re feeling like this one of the best things I’ve found is to channel your emotions into your writing. It will not only act as a type of therapy, but also help you accomplish something that you’ve wanted to do anyway!”

He didn’t take my advice.

But, I thought, hell, it would be pretty stupid of me not to take my own advice; especially since I feel it’s damned good advice.

The problem being that the reason I haven’t written in so long is lack of inspiration. Well, that’s a stupid reason. So, to get myself back on the horse I’ve decided to revert to the rant format I begun this blog with until the more creative stuff begins to flow again like it did the last time. There certainly isn’t a shortage of things in this wide world that piss me off. I just need to choose one. So, mundane as it may be, the first thing that came to mind after making the decision to write this was….

BATHROOM DOOR ETTIQUETTE

I know, it’s nothing the average person ever thinks about. I’m working in an office at the moment that is a converted house so the bathrooms are typical house bathrooms, not the industrial sort found in office buildings where there is no bathroom door ettiquette since those simply swing shut of their own accord and opening one wouldn’t cause anyone to need to quickly pull his pants up or cover her private bits.

So, here’s the deal: There are only four ways to leave a restroom when you’re finsihed with it and just one is correct. The four ways are: 1) Door open, light off 2)Door closed, light off 3) Door open, light on 4)Door closed, light on. Which is right? Number one, obviously! And I’ll explain why if you really need me to. It’s amazing to me how often I see the other three choices occur in my everyday life.

Let’s begin with number four shall we and work our way backward. Door closed, light on. This is the absolute worst and I can’t for the life of me figure out the logic of people who do this. First, it’s a waste of electricity to have a light on while a room is not in use. Second, it fools people who want to use the bathroom into believing someone is already inside! I mean, really, who wants to have to knock on the door and bother someone in the middle of taking a crap when you don’t have to. On the other hand who wants to be bothered while taking said crap. If everyone followed the rules, this little annoyance would be forever cut out of our lives.

Number three. Door open, light on. Well, if the door is open you immediately know if the room is in use or not. Again, a light on in an empty room is wasteful of electricity. I can sort of understand the concept if you’re having a party and you don’t want anyone stumbling into certain rooms while looking for the bathroom, but really, are your friends that stupid? No, don’t answer that! So, yes there are moments when it’s appropriate, but rarely.

Now to close the door when the light is off is still wrong. It forces a person to have to knock to find out if the room is occupied. A minor inconvienience to be sure, but if it’s not necessary at all… And I’ve already related the nuisance it is from the other side of the door. Or hey, maybe the person in the bathroom has his headphones on and can’t hear the knocking. Do you just barge in? Or if the door itself meets the floor or you have thick carpeting and can’t see if the light is on or off. Just too many damned variables that can cause embarrassment for all concerned.

And finally we have our savior, number one. When you’re through with the lavatory, switch off the light and depart the premises leaving the door WIDE open (not slightly ajar which can possibly be mistaken for closed). It’s the right thing to do for ALL the reasons listed above. Also please remember, that huge smelly crap we’ve so benevolently allowed you to take without bother, the foul scent of it dissipates far quicker if the room isn’t closed up!

Ok, yes, I know that was a ridiculous post you just spent the last 10 minutes reading. Hey, remember it was more for me then for you. Hopefully, they will get more entertaining. Oh yeah, and if you disagree with anything within the confines of this blog, please note that there isn’t even the most minute part of me that cares whatsoever.

So, until next time peoples!

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Driving On The Highway

I’ve been wanting to write this article for a long time, but have always felt it to be a bit daunting as there’s so much information I’d like it to include and wouldn’t want to leave anything off. However, I think about it so often (every time I drive) that I’ve decided to just get something down on paper in the hopes of educating a few to possibly help the many. I suppose I can always go back and add more salient points as they come to mind.

And so without further ado: How To Drive On The Highway by Heath Russell

First, it needs to be pointed out that 99.9 percent of people, no matter what sort of person he may be, become self-centered, inconsiderate assholes when behind the wheel. Oh, I know you’re all nodding your heads in agreement with me, but at 99.9 percent, you’re more then likely one of those people. I totally understand why, but it’s crazy to me that people become so inconsiderate when driving. Here’s the thing; When a person is driving he feels isolated. He’s alone in his car. It doesn’t matter that there are so many other people on the road that it’s probably when he is dealing with more people at a time than at any other point during the day, hell maybe even in his lifetime! The frame of an automobile may as well be a computer monitor. We can yell, make lewd hand gestures, make maneuvers detrimental to others, piss people off with a variety of actions and inactions all without worry of repercussions. It’s sort of like playing online games with strangers. As long as you don’t get into an accident, you’re completely safe AND you know it’s less then likely because the LAST thing anyone else on the road wants is to have an accident. People will do everything in their power to avoid one instead of just crashing into you so a person can get out of his car and really give you a piece of him mind.

Driving should be the time when you are thinking MOST about those around you and LEAST about yourself, the music you’re listening to, the food you’re stuffing down your throats, the make up you’re applying, or whoever you’re chatting with or (God-for-fucking-bid) texting on your stupid fucking phone.

This should be the GOLDEN RULE of driving : Be considerate of those around you FIRST!

If everyone followed this, then YOU would have a much more pleasant driving experience because a hundred other people would be ACTUALLY TRYING to make your life easier. But it only works if YOU do it.

I must digress for a moment. Ok, remember back on who taught you to drive. Hmmm. For me, it was…. ME. My dad taught me to parallel park and my mother took me out once and cowered and shrieked for the ten minutes it took to get to the mall. Neither of them explained rules of driving, lane courtesy, etc. The driving manual you need to know to pass your test is great, but it doesn’t educate on what is proper in dealing with other drivers. So, I understand that it is not really your fault that you’re clueless on how to drive. I’m gonna give you a few simple rules that if everyone followed would make driving for EVERYONE more tolerable.

Getting on the Highway. One would think this would be so simple. Ok, whether you have a meter to navigate through or not, it’s the same thing. You get on the ramp and you must SPEED THE FUCK UP! Look, if you’re one of those people who drives slow and by that I mean AT THE POSTED SPEED LIMIT OR SLOWER, then quite honestly you probably shouldn’t be on the highway. I’m very serious. At the speed you’re traveling you won’t get anywhere that much quicker and you’ll piss off everyone else on the road. I know your first thought: Fuck them. Again, remember the golden rule. But, if you really need to take a highway to get where you’re going then please follow the rules. You need to get to the speed limit by the time you’re at the end of the ramp: that’s 55 to 70 mph. If you’re not there then how do you expect to get on? Everyone else is flying past you and the people behind you are totally fucked!

The Merge Lane. It seems to me that very few people understand what the merge lane is. I will now explain. The merge lane is ONLY for merging onto or off of the highway. That’s it. It’s pretty fucking simple. Let me make it even clearer. If you didn’t just get on THE PREVIOUS entrance OR are not getting off at THE NEXT exit, YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN THE MERGE LANE!!!! I can’t be more clear. The merge lane is for merging. When you’re entering the highway and the whole fucking lane is blocked up so you can’t get on it, it can drive you crazy. Why is it so crowded? Because more then half the cars shouldn’t be there. And you’re trying to get off and you can’t switch lanes because not only is the merge lane filled but they’re all going 3 miles an hour. Of course those in the merge lane are going a little slower then the rest of the lanes. I mean they’re slowing down to get off (though they shouldn’t start slowing until they are ON THE RAMP), or speeding up to get on. But, they’d be able to go A LOT faster if those who should not be in the lane WERE NOT IN IT! I really can’t understand these god damned timid drivers, most of them in minivans who drive ten miles under the speed limit and stay in the merge lane for the entire 40 miles of their commute. Yes, I know that sometimes the highway is empty enough that you can stay in the merge lane without impeding anyone else’s progress. But, if it’s so empty, how difficult is it to get into the second lane? And you just never know when someone will be getting on at any given entrance and need to get around you when you shouldn’t be there. RUDE, INCONSIDERATE BASTARD.

One last thing about the merge lane and any other spot where cars must merge like when a lane closes. When there really is a bottleneck for some reason and traffic is backed up. Always remember to merge with the zipper principle. One lane, then the other. Then the first. Then the second. There should never be hesitation. EVER. It should run smoothly and quickly. Like a zipper. Be polite. Remember the GOLDEN RULE. Let the person who should go next go. KEEP ALERT FOR YOUR TURN. Don’t make anyone honk at you. I personally don’t believe in honking. There should never be a reason and there never would if you follow the rules.

The Second Lane. Ok, all you slow driving wusses, listen up. This is your lane! Do with it as you will. Yes, the rest of us will need to get though you to get where we’re going on time, but it’s a small price to pay if we know you’ll all stay where you belong! Now this is legally the truck driving lane and if you’re going to drive like a truck driver then you deserve to be in it. Hell, most of you pussies are driving SUV’s and minivans anyway. They’re practically small trucks. I still assert that if you’re driving below the speed limit you should not be on this road at all, so stick with 55 here please!

This might be the proper time to point out something that seems infinitely obvious to me, but which clearly eludes most drivers: The second lane is THE SLOW LANE. Cars in the third lane must drive FASTER THEN THOSE IN THE SECOND. Cars in the fourth lane must drive FASTER THEN THOSE IN THE THIRD. And those in the fifth lane or (fast lane) are OBLIGATED to go the fastest. If your highway has fewer lanes then whatever the last lane on the left is, it’s your fast lane and you may lop off middle lanes from the list as necessary. If, no matter what lane you’re driving in, you find cars passing you, GET INTO THE NEXT LANE ON THE RIGHT. And keep doing this until you’re either in the second lane or you realize you shouldn’t be on the highway. Alternately, if you find there’s always someone going too slow in front of you, move to the left hand lane until you’re in the fast lane. If people are still too slow for you, that will be covered in the fast lane section.

Passing In The Left Lane. This section is for all those crazy lane changers of which I count myself. People shouldn’t do that. It’s dangerous. Still, if everyone drove in his appropriate lane people wouldn’t feel the need to go from the fifth lane ALL THE WAY over to the second to get around the car in front. Not much needs to be said here. If someone is going too slow for you 1. Decide if you need to get into and stay in the next faster lane and if not 2. Get into the next faster lane (the one to your left) pass the slower car and get back into the proper lane. Do it quickly and remember THE GOLDEN RULE.

Use Your Blinkers. Alright, you inconsiderate fucks, listen up: Blinkers are not for your benefit. They are for the benefit of EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD! Now, of course there aren’t as many reasons to use blinkers on the highway as on city streets, so it’s doubly important that you use them here. They’re pretty much only for lane changes. So, when you want to change lanes, USE YOUR FUCKING BLINKERS. This let’s the person in the lane you’re getting into AND getting out of know your intentions so that he can decide what HE wants to do. Yes, stop thinking about yourself for a fucking second. Ever been thinking about passing some Slow Poke Gonzalez and just as you’re about to switch lanes, he changes into the lane you want to get into without using his blinker? If he had used it, you wouldn’t have changed lane, would you? Of course if he read the above paragraph he wouldn’t be getting into that lane anyway, right? But, the point being, BLINKERS people. Use them. Again, they’re not for you, they’re for everybody else. I’m not a blinker Nazi though. If there’s no one within range behind you or in front of you in the lane you’re getting out of or getting into, then there’s no real need to turn them on. But really, how hard is it to use them anyway? It’s good to be in the habit.

Also, don’t forget to turn off your blinkers when you’re finished using them. There’s nothing worse then being behind some idiot with his blinkers on for no reason. You’re not sure what you should do; you think he’s getting out of your lane, hell, his blinkers are on, he must be, right? But, it’s been like SIX MILES!

Here’s a little section for motorcycle driver because my only beef with them is that they like to drive on the white lines between the lanes. I don’t think I’m alone in hating motorcyclists for this. They always seem like they’re a whisker away from hitting your car and I’m personally constantly on edge when they’re near. All I can say to you rude motherfuckers is this, “Please drive like the rest of us. Choose a lane and stay in it. If you must change lanes use your blinkers as stated above.” I realize that there’s not much else I can do to stop these cocksuckers so I can at least take solace in the knowledge that they are riding on borrowed time. The stats on motorcycling deaths are pretty clear. I wonder if it has something to do with the dangerous weaving ya’ll do? Think about it.

The Fast Lane. Um, this is for people who drive fast… I’ll never forget when a moron who shall remain anonymous (Caulette King) once said in my presence (not to me actually) “I hate it when I’m in the fast lane and someone comes up behind me really fast and flashes his brights at me. I slow down a lot so he has to go around me. I like watching him cuss and scream.” If this happens to you often, then maybe you don’t drive fast enough to be in the fast lane! Quick news flash for those who do not know this: When you are in the fast lane and you’re coming up to someone driving slower who may not see you in his rear view mirror, the polite thing to do is to flash your brights briefly to get his attention so that he can quickly get out of your way that you may pass without having to slow down. This is the POLITE thing to do. The CORRECT thing. I suppose if you didn’t know this, then that person flashing his brights at you may seem like a dick. Anyway, people who drive at the speed limit should NOT be in the fast lane. NEVER. This lane is for people who drive well above the speed limit. If you have a problem with this, fuck you! Stay out of their way. If you find people are passing you a lot when you’re in this lane, hell when you’re in any lane, it’s your OBLIGATION to move over into a slower lane. However, there are a few people who are real speed demons. I don’t agree with them. I feel anyone going over 80-85 on a busy highway or in excess of 100 on an emptier one may be dangerous to himself and others, but that is what the police are for. However, these people should stay in the fast lane and when they come up behind you, jump over for a second while they pass and then get back in and go along your merry way. Just stick to THE GOLDEN RULE and realize that they deserve consideration too. Just because I may personally disagree with the way someone drives doesn’t mean I have to be an asshole. Hey, for all I know maybe that lady is rushing a kidney to a small child in need.

Stopping On The Highway. This one is easy. DON’T DO IT! YOU FUCK! There are no street lights on a highway. I constantly find myself completely at a standstill wondering how I could possibly be stopped. I’d love to go up in a helicopter and find the point where that first car came to a halt. There must be a point. Why did he do it? Is there a brick wall in front of him that suddenly disappears when he takes his foot off the brake? I can only guess that it’s someone being timid. Slowing down way too much to change lanes and creating a chain reaction behind him. Here’s another tip. Since the lane to your right should ALWAYS be going slower then you… SPEED UP and get in the lane. Then slow down to the new lane’s average speed. Why is this so confusing to people??? Or bottlenecks occurring on ramps between highways, or exit ramps. All I can say is that if people followed the above guidelines and traffic ran smoother then there would be way fewer stoppages or even slow downs in traffic. I don’t think you should EVER have to slow down unless you’re getting off the highway no matter how many cars are on the road with you.

Stopping On The Highway: Accidents And Such. This one REALLY pisses me off and most of you have done it. Why do you feel the need to slow down to look at accidents? To look at cars pulled over by cops? To look at anything, really? Do you even think about the effect it has on the rest of traffic? Do you? Seriously, do you? How many times I’ve been in stop and go traffic for an hour only to arrive at the scene of an accident. And I mean stop and go. I’m talking I haven’t tipped five miles an hour for sixty minutes because you rubber-necking assholes need to see a wrecker toeing a car away, some cops milling about, possibly an ambulance on the side of the road, and maybe, just maybe a bloody sheet on top of a body. What the fuck is wrong with you people??? If you don’t slow down, you can get home quicker so you can get on the internet and look up really gory pictures of the accident on the internet. REMEMBER THE GOLDEN RULE!!! Think about all the people who do not want to be stuck in traffic. Now don’t get me wrong, we should definitely slow down to the speed limit until we pass the commotion, but that IS ALL. Same goes with passing cops giving tickets. Hell, as far as I’m concerned that’s a free pass to speed. Do you think he’s going to stop in the middle of writing out his fine to jump in his car and chase your ass? Maybe if you’re racing at 150 or above, but otherwise probably not. And there just aren’t that many cops per square mile. If one is stopped somewhere you don’t have to worry as much about another one nearby!

So, what have we learned? If nothing else I hope it’s to be more considerate of others while you drive. If I’ve offended you because you’re one of the culprits in my tirade I hope at the very least you will ask yourself if maybe, just maybe, I’m right and you may think about changing your ways.

To me though, the saddest part is this. No one will change. Not because he or she doesn’t believe that everything I’ve written is accurate and SHOULD be the way to drive, it’s because we know that no one else will change, so why should I? And to be honest, that’s one of the main reasons why the human race in it’s entirety is so fucked up. Why should I do things right is no one else does?

Hmmm. If everyone constantly thinks about being considerate to everyone else the roads would be a pleasure to drive on.

Change “being considerate” to “loving” and “roads” and “drive” to “world” and “live” and I might just sound like someone else whose message has been irrevocably lost.

I quote John Lennon, “The way things are going, they’re gonna crucify me!”


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