Born Romantic

Inspired by the script "Born Romantic" by Joshua Friedlander

You call me a born romantic
And if what you say is true
Then you could run away forever
And I’d always be next to you

Although we met as strangers
With our own specific plot
We walked away true lovers
Whether you’ll admit it or not

And nothing can stop a born romantic
Nothing can stop a born romantic
No, nothing can stop a born romantic
When it comes to love

You fought to regain my honor
I’d fight for yours as well
You fed me lies and French food
We played some kiss and tell

We talked until the cab came
I wanted you so bad
We kissed before you left forever
At least that’s the dream I had


Cause nothing can stop a born romantic
Nothing can stop a born romantic
No, nothing can stop a born romantic
When it comes to love

It was something out of Shakespeare
A tragedy exposed
You played the role of Macbeth
And made me Banquo’s ghost

Now we’re a few years older
Perhaps we’re wiser too
Perhaps you’ll hear this wherever you are
And still feel what I feel for you


Cause nothing can stop a born romantic
Nothing can stop a born romantic
Nothing can stop a born romantic
When it comes to love

No, nothing can stop a born romantic
Nothing can stop a born romantic
Even if you cross the blue Atlantic
When it comes to love

No, nothing can stop a born romantic
Nothing can stop a born romantic
Even when the distance seems gigantic
When it comes to love

Communion

One hundred years is a long life; but not so long as some. Today I turn one hundred years old and I feel I must unburden myself of the terrible secret I’ve been keeping since I was a teenager. Perhaps with this letter I can stop the horror that has been going on for thousands of years.

Twelve months ago, at the age of ninety-nine I was relieved of my duties and brought here to this hospital to live out my remaining time. My body quickly began to fail, but I have spent every moment possible of this last year learning the skills that would allow me to tell my tale. I learned to read and write. Now, finally, I can give my confession.

I was born without vocal chords and am therefore mute. Growing up, many people equated this inability to speak with stupidity as if one who can not talk must be dumb. I personally feel I’m quite the opposite, but truly, what does any man really know? Perhaps the only thing one can know for sure is that he knows nothing. Was that Socrates? Or Plato… I can’t recall all those Greeks. And what does it matter in the end?

As you may know I’m Roman and though Rome joined the unified State of Italy forty years before my birth there were still many around who considered themselves Romans before Italians while I was growing up. My father was one of these and he instilled in me a great pride of my heritage and my native town and its ties with my religion: Catholicism.

My family was one of zookeepers for many generations. After the first great war there were many who enjoyed peaceful days in the sun, gazing at the likes of caged majestic lions and playful monkeys. I took care of these sorts of animals and many others. I suppose it was this skill as much as the fact of my inability to utter a sound that made me desirable to the Vatican.

It was shortly after Vatican City forged its autonomy in 1929 that my father was approached about my services. He was, of course, quite honored by the fact that his only son was chosen to carry out secret duties inside the consecrated walls and basically sold my life to the Holy See for but a few Lira.

Under the catacombs of Saint Peters’ Cathedral I was to spend the vast majority of the next eighty-three years of my life tending to the most holy, or should I say most unholy of secrets.

I can still vividly recall the first day I was led underground. There was a string hung sparsely with tiny uncovered light bulbs; each one illuminating an area just wide enough that one must pass through meters of pitch black before arriving at the next glowing spot. I walked the labyrinthine corridors amidst the smell of dirt and sulphur, passing niches filled with the bones of those long dead and my heart raced with fear and excitement. Few were allowed entrance to these passages. Fewer still survived to tell of it.
I was given my own quarters down there. Modest by some standards, I considered them luxurious compared to my home in Ciampino where my family had lived for over four hundred years before all that land was taken away by the military. But, these are things I’ve only heard through gossip during my years of service. I have not left the walls of the Vatican since I arrived some eighty-three years ago.

I was given a day to orient myself to my new surroundings and the following morning I was introduced to my charge. Again, I was led through the maze dug out by ancient personages. This time however, I was blindfolded. Four times a day I was brought in this manner back and forth from my room to the cells of the one I was to tend to.

He was huge and at first I thought he was a leper and crossed myself repeated praying to God that this was not truly my fate. The wounds all across his body I later discovered were man made and not the ravishments of any known disease. He was chained to the floor and ceiling, but spent the majority of his time lying upon a kingly bed. He had fouled the bed and himself and would thousands of times over in the eighty plus years I would care for him.

That was my job.

When I saw him on the second day he was much smaller. The wounds were far larger and covered most of his body as if someone had cut the majority of his flesh out from under his skin.

What were they doing and why? Who was this man? A demon? An enemy of Christ?

I cleaned and bathed him as was my obligation. Dressed his wounds. Tidied his room and changed his linen. I was also directed to catch any excess blood that oozed from him in bowls and jars that were always kept nearby. I made sure never to let it touch my skin believing it must be cursed if they were so intent on removing it. There was also a time when one of my chores was the try to get him to eat. They wanted him to eat more and more. They wanted him as fat as possible so they might continue to take of his flesh and blood. Later, when the technology arrived they force fed him with tubes. Each time, within a day or two he would heal and then plump up like a sow prepared for slaughter. This daily transformation never ceased to amaze me.

How he continued to live through these tortures was beyond me, but live he did.

I always had a hard time understanding why he was restrained. As big as he was he could never in a million years squeeze through the door of his chamber, nor could he waddle along the corridors of the catacombs even if they were lined with melted butter except in the day or so after his surgeries and then he was far too weak. Only a miracle could free him, but it seemed miracles were the norm for this one.

A few of his escapes were spoken of by various people in my presence over the years. Of course one of the worst drawbacks of being mute combined with the inability to write is being unable to easily ask questions. I had become adept at making myself understood through gestures, but questions about this prisoner were difficult. I discovered much by simply listening to the gossip of those few I met during my days.

There were two girls who brought meals down from the surface; one each for days and nights. The meals for the prisoner seemed to never stop coming. I never once heard the daytime woman speak and came to believe that she was as mute as I. The night shift girl was slow in the head, but she did often chatter with the guard who stood outside the caged mans cell. I imagine that after she delivered her bounty and stood outside the closed door pattering on a bit with the guard they probably never guessed that I could hear them clear as crystal while spoon-feeding the captive, or tidying his room, or bathing him.

As the years went by the people changed. The day shift woman became a hunchbacked boy who eventually grew into middle and old age. The guard was always a young strong Italian lad who wore the raiment of the Swiss Guard with an insignia I did not recognize. Instead of gold or silver stars on a blue background, he wore a single black star on the traditional blue. I saw at least thirty guards in my time. Then there was the gentleman who blindfolded me and led me through the tunnels. Finally, there were those who dealt with the prisoner. I rarely saw them, but knew they visited him often.

The prisoner never spoke to me though sometimes I heard him mumbling to himself in a language that I did not recognize. It was certainly not Italian. The noises he made most often were tortuous moans whilst I tended his wounds or when I touched him in any way.

His eyes were a deep grey and he always gazed at me with the most curious of expressions; sad, resentful, fearful, compassionate, angry, wise, and somehow forgiving all at once. I often thought of what a horrible existence this poor soul had and wondered why the Pope allowed this monstrousness to go on. Did the Pope even know? And what exactly was going on?

Often times I arrived for my duties as the doctors were leaving. Men in white smocks rolling cart after cart filled with deep pans of what could only be the prisoners flesh and buckets of his blood. It wasn’t until I had been working there for nearly fifty years that I found out where all the extractions went.

The guide who brought me back and forth from my chamber and covered my eyes with clothe usually made sure I could not see at all. But, in the thousands of times I was escorted back and forth there were hundreds of occasions when my blindfold allowed me a glimpse of my surroundings. It wasn’t like I could mention this to anyone…

Once, when my blindfold was too loose to be any real impediment to sight, the doctors asked my guide for some assistance. I was taken along with them into what I guessed must be some kind of factory. It was at this location that the gallons and gallons of the prisoners blood was diluted with wine and bottled. There were cases upon cases of the stuff all loaded into boxes labeled to be sent off to thousands of exotic locations.

I saw the huge hunks of flesh sliced down to tiny pieces and fed into ovens. Finally I glimpsed the result of what these Catholics were achieving as they packaged and loaded it into similar shipping boxes. It was all I could do not to fall to my knees and weep.

I understood everything at that moment and heaven help me but I did nothing to stop it. Though I did my duties with the utmost reverence and care it doesn’t change the fact that I DID continue doing my small part in their ungodly design for the next thirty years or more.

But, I prayed every night that the prisoner would be released from bondage and wondered how this could possibly be his fate. Was god really that cruel? How could the church do such a thing, especially to this most revered of people?

And now as I write this letter and devise a way to get it to the public without those from the Vatican finding out in the hopes that exposing them will end this abomination, the priest has arrived to sit with me as is the practice here. Since learning to read and write I am expected to give weekly confessions. This I do, but I omit anything about what I know of the secrets of the Vatican.

Father Gimello asks if I’d like to take communion and I become so violently repulsed that he leaves to hail a nurse. When he exits I hide my note under my pillow and wait for their return that I may refuse the Father his offer. Though to my undying shame I used to do it before I knew the truth, never again will I eat Christs’ flesh, nor drink his blood!

First 1/3 Of Untitled Comedy

INT. CAVE

This is an Indiana Jones’ type cave; dark and creepy. JULES
BLIX, (mid 20’s blonde who’s hot in a quirky sort of way)
dressed as a 40’s adventurer and her INDIAN GUIDE (dark,
muscular, handsome man) dressed in turban and loincloth are
carefully exploring. They both hold TORCHES.

Jules illuminates a series of tiny statuettes with her flame.

JULES
What are these?

INDIAN GUIDE
Traps. Don’t touch them.

JULES
How do they work?

INDIAN GUIDE
If you try to lift one, poison
spikes will shoot at you from out
of nowhere.

He shines his light on DEAD BODIES that lie nearby to prove
his point.

INDIAN GUIDE
To deter thieves.

JULES
Poison, you say? The secret ginju
poison? The only known substance
that can kill the great and evil
Kaliram?

INDIAN GUIDE
I suppose so, but...

Jules begins grabbing dead bodies and leaning them against
her, effectively creating a shield.

INDIAN GUIDE
What are you doing?

Suddenly, in quick succession she grabs three statues in a
row. A dozen poison darts shoot out from various angles; all
striking the corpses.

The Indian Guide leaps back and makes the sign of warding off
evil spirits at her.

Jules has already dropped the bodies and has retrieved
SUPPLIES from her PACK.

CLOSE UP - ON A DART

There is a viscous green fluidy gunk on the shaft. With a
SWAB and TONGS Jules is filling a small receptacle with GINJU
POISON.

JULES
It seems the great and evil Kaliram
was generous enough to supply us
with a method to kill him after all.

INDIAN GUIDE
You’re crazy.

JULES
Crazy like a beaver!

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE HUNTER

Kenzie’s in her late 20’s or early 30’s. She’s a cute blonde
who, if you squinted at her while looking through a strobe
light in an otherwise dark room would look strikingly similar
to Jules Blix.

KENZIE
(softly, to herself)
Crazy like a beaver!

INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS

Jules stands and puts the collected poison in her pack.

JULES
Can you find the Kaliram in this
ridiculous maze?

INDIAN GUIDE
I think so.

JULES
Then let’s go Gunga Din. It’s
payback time!

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE

KENZIE
(softly to herself)
It’s payback time!

Reveal: We are actually in Kenzie’s living room and she’s
enrapt in the Jules Blix film on the TV. She would be in
heaven if it weren’t for the fact that her date TODD LIPSCOMB
was at DEFCON 5 doing some serious necking while attempting
unsuccessfully to remove her bra.

KENZIE
Oh! Great idea!

TODD
What? What was that?

Kenzie realizes for the first time in a bit that she’s not
alone.

KENZIE
Hey Todd, this has been a wonderful
first date, but I just remembered
that I have to go to work now.

Todd leans back, shocked.

TODD
At midnight?

KENZIE
Yeah.

TODD
Stella said you were cool.

KENZIE
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

TODD
Look Kenzie, I spent almost twenty
dollars on dinner. I think that
should get me some quality time
with you.

He dives back in at her neck and bra.

Kenzie can only roll her eyes. She waits a moment
impatiently and then reaches a decision.

She pushes him off, but before he can object she GOES DOWN ON
HIM.

TODD
Oh ok. (Pause) WOW! I’ve never
felt anything like that! Holy shit
you’re amazing. (Pause... heavy
breathing) No wait... If you keep
that up I’m gonna... I’m gonna...
I’m gonna--

CUT TO:

EXT. KENZIE’S FRONT DOOR

Todd is on the outside. Kenzie is inside.

KENZIE
Come again.

She tosses him his jacket and keys.

TODD
I’d love to! And maybe next time I
could do it in your--

SLAM goes the door!

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Office is probably overstating it a bit. Kenzie’s bedroom
closet (not a walk-in, but a regular closet) has been
converted to a workspace complete with PC and all the
accoutrements.

Her Keyboard and mouse are on a tray table.
On the monitor, obvious by its unique format is a SCREENPLAY.
In the background Kenzie is gargling. She spits, rinses,
wipes, and comes to her makeshift desk to sit. She cracks
her knuckles and begins typing up a storm.

CUT TO:

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - MORNING

Kenzie is still seated, slumped over, cradling her keyboard
like a pillow. The monitor shows a bunch of gobblygook that
her cheeks typed while she slept.

KENZIE
Oh man.

She starts a rapid fire of the back space button until she
notices the time. She’s late for work!

KENZIE
Shit!

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - LATER

This is an upscale boutique in BEVERLY HILLS.

Kenzie pins on her name tag while sneaking to her station in
KEEPSAKES.

STELLA (Kenzie’s best friend whose only interest in life is
finding a husband before menopause), who works in FINE
CRYSTAL strolls by.

STELLA
Kenzie’s late again.

KENZIE
Kenzie overslept. Did Mr. Pinkston notice?

STELLA
Oh yes. But Kenzies’ wonderful
friend Stella covered for her yet again.

KENZIE
As per usual, Kenzie owes her
wonderful friend Stella. Anything
I should know if Mr. Pinkston asks?

STELLA
Yes. It’s that time of the month again.

KENZIE
It’s always that time of the month.

STELLA
Don’t I know it. So Todd said you
guys had quite the eventful date
last night.

KENZIE
Todd’s a dick. He took me to
Quizno’s for dinner.

STELLA
He said you were all over him.

KENZIE
Hardly. He forced my hand.

STELLA
I heard it was your mouth, not your
hand and there was no forcing
necessary.

KENZIE
He wouldn’t leave and I wanted to
get back to my script.

STELLA
You and your script. If I could
give head like you I’d use it to
get men to stay, not to get them to leave.

KENZIE
What man do I want to stay?
Someone like Peter?

STELLA
What was wrong with Peter?

KENZIE
He was a douche! I still have no
idea why you accepted his proposal.

STELLA
He got me pregnant.

KENZIE
He wouldn’t have gotten you
pregnant if you hadn’t poked holes
in all his condoms.

STELLA
He might have.

KENZIE
You’re just lucky he ended up
getting 20 to life before it was
too late to get an abortion.

STELLA
(sigh) I suppose so.

An elderly CUSTOMER approaches Kenzie.

CUSTOMER
Excuse me Miss? Can I get some help?

KENZIE
Of course. What can I do for you?

The customer points to an expensive, one of a kind, beautiful
CANDLESTICK HOLDER in a locked case.

CUSTOMER
I’d like to see that candle stick
holder. I think it might be
perfect for my daughter-in-law.

KENZIE
What? This one? Oh, you don’t
want that one.

CUSTOMER
Why not? It’s a Fulston original.
It’s gorgeous.

KENZIE
No, no, no. (whispering) It’s fake.

CUSTOMER
What?

KENZIE
Yeah. It’s not even a good copy.
Don’t tell anyone, but we have a
whole case of them in the back.
Let me show you something over here
that I’m sure your daughter-in-law
will love.

She leads the customer away.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

It’s her lunch break so Kenzie is eating while she drives her
HYUNDAI. The radio is on. As the current song ends:

RADIO DJ
And tonight Brit rocker Langdon
Spritzer will be performing before
a sold out crowd. So to get you
all started, here’s his newest
megahit... Wash my socks and do me!

An incredibly tasteless, tuneless, power chord laden song
begins. Kenzie switches the radio off.

KENZIE
How did that no talent idiot get so
famous and I can’t get a script sold?

Kenzie parks on the street and as she’s paying the meter a
bus pulls directly in front of her forcing her to view the
huge picture on its side. It’s LANGDON SPRITZER’S new album
cover entitled GROWL. Naturally it’s a picture of Spritzer
in the midst of a ridiculous growl.

Underneath reads: Includes new hit “Wash My Socks And Do Me!”

KENZIE
Jesus...

INT. IVAN’S OFFICE

IVAN is a big, fat, smarmy Russian who is also Kenzie’s
LITERARY AGENT.

IVAN
Ah Kenzie! How is my favorite
screenwriter?

KENZIE
Ah Ivan. How is my favorite
completely useless agent?

IVAN
Useless? I’m out there every day
slugging away just for you.

KENZIE
Well, maybe you should think about
taking people out to lunch instead
of punching them. It might help
you sell a script.

IVAN
Lunches cost money. You paying for
them with boutique job?

KENZIE
I can’t even pay my rent with my
boutique job. That’s why I need
you to sell my screenplays.

IVAN
Ya, ya, ya. How is new script coming?

KENZIE
Good. I had a great idea and was
writing all last night. But what
about the old script? The one I
finished months ago that you’ve
done nothing with?

IVAN
Nothing? I show it all over town.
No actress wants to play role.
They all turn it down.

KENZIE
That’s because you’re showing it to
the wrong actresses.

IVAN
I just heard back from actress from
Twilight.

KENZIE
What did she say?

IVAN
She said no.

KENZIE
Good! Because if she’d have said
yes I would have stuck a gun up my
vagina and pulled the trigger! I
don’t want the girl from Twilight
in my movie. The Naked Corpse is a
Jules Blix movie. I wrote it for
Jules Blix and only Jules Blix can
play the lead. She’s perfect. No
one else is right for the part, so
of course these other actresses are
turning it down.

IVAN
Jules Blix! Jules Blix! Jules
Blix is big star. How you expect
me to get her script?

KENZIE
You got it to the girl from Twilight.

Ivan grunts.

KENZIE
You’re an agent. You’re supposed
to have connections. Why do you
think I signed with you?

IVAN
Because no one else in the city
would represent you. Look, Kenzie,
go home. Finish new script. Let
me worry about Naked Corpse. I
have cousin whose girlfriends
mother has manicurist whose
astrologist does reading for Jules
Blix’s mother. I’ve been working
connection for little while. But,
don’t hold breath.

KENZIE
Manicurist... Girlfriend... What?

IVAN
Go home. Type, type, type. I call
when I have news.

INT. KENZIE’S APARTMENT HALLWAY - LATER

Kenzie is clomping dejectedly down the hallway. As she
passes her neighbor MARK’s door it opens and a guy who looks
like the dad from Father Knows Best leans out.

MARK
Kenzie... How are you today?

KENZIE
Fine Mark. Just frustrated by my
agent again. How are you?

MARK
Fine... Are you sure you’ve no
other problems?

He inclines his head toward her door where there’s a PINK
NOTICE taped. Kenzie yanks it off.

KENZIE
Sonofabitch! My paycheck must not
have cleared in time.

MARK
Anything I can help with?

KENZIE
No, no. I’m sure it’s cleared by
now. I’ll just have to write
another rent check and pay the
bouncing fee... And the late
charge... Oh man.

MARK
If you change your mind don’t be
afraid to ask. I can help. It
would just be a loan. I know
you’re good for it.

KENZIE
No help needed, but thanks. Unless
you can find me a husband.

MARK
As you know, I’ve already been
married and divorced and the sort
of men I’m interested in these days
aren’t the marrying type if you
know what I mean. But, I’ll keep
an eye out for you.

KENZIE
Thanks.

Mark’s door has closed during the chat and when he tries to
open it, it’s stuck.

MARK
Damned door keeps sticking.

He jerks it open.

MARK
Thanks god. Last time I had to get
the maintenance man to get it open.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kenzie plays her answering machine messages as she strolls
about her place unwinding.

Message #1:

PHIL
Hi Kenzie. It’s Phil... Phil
Shazinsky... From high school...
Again... Um... I’ve called a few
times... Look, I’ll say it again, I have not
been able to get you out of my head
for the last 15 years! Please...
Call me.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL BLEACHERS - FLASH BACK

As the message plays a much younger Kenzie is making out with
a young Phil on the bleachers. After a moment she goes down
on him.

CLOSE UP - PHIL’S FACE

Phil’s face contorts in extreme pleasure.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT - FLASH BACK

Oafish RALPH talks on and on and on at his car as Kenzie,
bored out of her mind listens while wracking her brain for a
method of escape. She tries to open the car door, but Ralph
casually leans on it, still talking.

Finally, Kenzie looks around and drops to her knees.

Ralph goes ramrod straight as if he’s been struck by
lightening. His eyes go wide.

As this little scene plays out in pantomime Message #2:

RALPH
Hey, it’s Ralph. Remember me?
Stella’s friend? We went out last
month. I don’t know why you won’t
call me back. We had such a great
time talking that night and then
you... Well, we obviously had some
chemistry if you know what I mean.
I’d love to do that again. So call me.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - FLASH BACK

RICHARD is sprawled out, spent in sheer bliss on a big comfy
chair as Kenzie rises up from between his legs with a DIAMOND
RING in her hand, NODDING “YES”.

Message #3:

RICHARD
Kenzie. It’s Richard... Look, I
know you turned me down when I
proposed to you that time... I
mean when you eventually found out
I was already married...

INT. RICHARDS HOUSE - FLASH BACK

Richard, his wife and three young children are eating dinner
as Kenzie bursts in. She throws the ring at Richard and
stalks out. Richards wife is not happy.

Message #3 (continued):

RICHARD
But, I’m single now and that
marriage proposal still stands...
I really, really want to see you
again. Call me.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM

Message #4:

JOE
Kenzie baby! It’s Joe-

Kenzie, now dressed in a comfy robe stops the machine. She
notices there are 12 more messages.

KENZIE
I get it! I give a great blowjob!
Christ people!

She presses delete over and over until the machine is clear.

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER

Kenzie sits before her work, glancing at her surroundings for
inspiration.

On the wall of the inside of her closet are various posters
of Jules Blix movies. Each has her with a wicked smile and a
handsome guy.

After a moment she starts typing.

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER

Kenzie is still working. She has a bowl of cereal that she’s
crunching away on.

The phone rings and Kenzie answers while continuing to type
with her free hand.

KENZIE
I’m working on my screenplay, Stella.

STELLA
Did I ever introduce you to my
cousin Rob?

KENZIE
Short and prematurely bald with a
lousy comb over?

STELLA
He’s gonna be in town next week.
You two should go out.

KENZIE
Um... He short and prematurely
bald with a lousy comb over.

STELLA
If you only look for the bad in
people you’ll never see any of the
good. Rob’s a really nice guy,
Kenzie. You know, one day you need
to realize that there are no men
like the ones you make up in your
little movie scripts. Come back to
the real world.

KENZIE
One day... I gotta go Stella, I’m
right in the middle of a pivotal scene.

She hangs up and looks back toward the pictures of Jules Blix
who is still all smiles with various gorgeous guys.

And she’s sad.

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - NEXT DAY

Kenzie has the same sad and wistful expression on her face as
she watches a couple shop. Neither is perfect in any way,
but they seem genuinely happy and in love with each other.
As she turns her head, standing directly before her is
LANGDON SPRITZER. He is every inch the Rock God. He’s
wearing dark shades and staring silently at her.

She recognizes him, but looks back blankly.

He continues to stares until it’s uncomfortable.

KENZIE
Can I help you?

Langdon stares a bit longer and then makes a ridiculous
growling noise.

KENZIE
Are you having some kind of seizure?

LANGDON
It’s my signature growl... It’s
famous... I’m Langdon Spritzer...
The rock star... I’m very famous.

KENZIE
(shrugs) Sorry.

LANGDON
That’s actually very refreshing.

KENZIE
Can I help you?

LANGDON
Yeah. I got me a first date
tonight and I wanna get her
something that makes me look
thoughtful and charming. You know,
something that’ll get me in her
knickers.

KENZIE
Ah. Well, I imagine you’re going
to ply her with alcohol?

LANGDON
Hell yeah.

KENZIE
Then you might want to try this.

She leads him to a very stylized whiskey flask.

KENZIE
And fill it with the poison of your
choice. You can even get it
engraved. Something tasteful like,
“Wash my socks and do me”.

LANGDON
Ha! See! You have heard of me and
you didn’t even know it! That’s my
song. I sing it.

KENZIE
Really. Wow. What a coincidence.

LANGDON
You know, I wrote it too.

KENZIE
Oh yeah? So, what about that flask.

LANGDON
I love it! I’ll take 50.

KENZIE
Fifty?!?

LANGDON
Yeah. Oh, not for the girl. I
think I might mail them out as
like, Christmas cards or some such.
No, for the girl I was thinking of
something a little more subtle
(mispronounced).

KENZIE
Sub-tell?

LANGDON
Yeah.

KENZIE
Well, we don’t sell condoms here.

LANGDON
That’s ok I don’t use them. I make
girls I sleep with sign a waiver.
(pause) Hey, what about that?

He points to the Fulston Candle Stick Holder.

KENZIE
No. No, I doubt she would
appreciate that.

LANGDON
Five thousand dollars for a candle
stick holder; she’d better
appreciate it.

KENZIE
Maybe if you’re dating Jules Blix.

LANGDON
Jules Blix?

KENZIE
Jules Blix. She’s an actress.
She’s very famous... Never mind.

LANGDON
Why is it good for her?

Kenzie isn’t sure she wants to tell this story, but then she
confides:

KENZIE
A few months ago Jules Blix came
in. I was helping her and we
became really friendly and...
Anyway, she totally fell in love
with that candle stick holder. She
was gonna buy it but she forgot her
wallet and said she’d come back for
it. So, I’m sort of unofficially
holding it for her.

LANGDON
I’ll take it.

KENZIE
No. Didn’t you hear what I just
said? I’m holding it for Jules Blix.

LANGDON
Unofficially... And after a few
months I highly doubt she’s coming back.

KENZIE
I don’t care what you doubt you
pompous asshole.

LANGDON
Ooooh. Spunky.

KENZIE
Ooooh. Slimy.

LANGDON
I think you’re just my type.

KENZIE
I think you’re just an idiot.

Kenzie’s officious boss Mr. PINKSTON walks over.

MR. PINKSTON
And what’s going on here?

KENZIE
Nothing Mr. Pinkston.

LANGDON
Nothing? This very beautiful and
very modest sales clerk of yours
just sold me that five thousand
dollar candle stick holder. I’d
say that’s something alright.
Quite a feather in her cap, in fact.

MR. PINKSTON
I’m so glad Miss Hunter was able to
help you. Ah, the Fulston
original. Excellent choice.
Kenzie, why don’t you wrap that
for Mr. Spritzer and I’ll ring him up.

LANGDON
You know who I am?

MR. PINKSTON
Of course, Mr. Spritzer. I’m a big fan.

LANGDON
Please, call me Langdon.

Livid, Kenzie grabs the piece from the case and takes it to

INT. STOREROOM - CONTINUOUS

Angrily, she gets material to box and wrap it. She notices a
very vulgar African Statuette with a huge PHALLUS that is
about the same size as the candlestick holder and gets a
wicked idea.

This new piece gets wrapped up and the Fulston is hidden away
on a back shelf.

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - MOMENTS LATER

Kenzie puts the wrapped package on the counter.

KENZIE
Here you go.

Langdon hands her a slip of paper.

LANGDON
And here you go.

KENZIE
What’s this?

LANGDON
That’s my personal cell phone
number. I have a concert tonight
and then I’m going out with candle
stick girl. But maybe we can go
out tomorrow. Call me. Eh, not
too early, you know. I’ll need
time to get rid of candle stick
girl and ah, maybe grab a shower.

KENZIE
You’re scum.

LANGDON
You’re so cute.

He grabs the package and waggles his hand by his head in the
international sign for ‘call me’ and exits.

KENZIE
What an ass.

She flicks the paper with his number in the garbage.

Stella shuffles over from Fine Crystal

STELLA
Wasn’t that Langdon Spritzer?

KENZIE
I guess.

STELLA
He’s so cute... And you know what
the women call him, right?

KENZIE
No.

STELLA
Instead of Langdon, it’s Long Dong.

KENZIE
Why? Is he Chinese?

STELLA
Huh?

Kenzie’s cell rings. It’s Ivan.

KENZIE
It’s my agent. Cover for me for a
sec, ok? Hello?

A jumble of excited Russian comes out of the ear piece.

KENZIE
What? Ivan? Calm down. I can’t
understand you. Speak English.

IVAN
Astrologist! Astrologist! (more
Russian)

KENZIE
What? Ivan. What’s the matter?

IVAN
Naked Corpse! I got Jules Blix to
read Naked Corpse!

KENZIE
What? Oh my god!

IVAN
(Russian, Russian) She loved it!
She wants her personal production
company to option it so it can be
her next movie! She offered one
million dollars!

KENZIE
Are you sure?

IVAN
I talk to her myself. Paperwork
will be here first thing in
morning. (Russian, Russian)
Remember, 15% off top for agent!
(laughing) 15%! (more laughing)
Happy days are here! I call when I
need you sign papers! (laughing)

He hangs up.

STELLA
What’s the matter?

KENZIE
I sold my script! I sold my script
for a million dollars!

The two women scream, jump up and down, and hug.

KENZIE
Oh my god. Cover for me. I’ve
gotta get out of here.

STELLA
Screw that. I’m coming with you.
Let’s party!

INSERT MONTAGE OF INCREDIBLY WILD AND FUNNY PARTYING IN
TIJUANA

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Kenzie’s place looks even worse then the hotel room in The
Hangover after the drugs wore off (perhaps minus the
chicken). Kenzie, lying half on and half off the couch,
wakes up just in time to fall to the floor.

She gets up and staggers to her

INT. KENZIE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Past the gorgeous, COMPLETELY NAKED MAN sitting on her bed,
and over to the toilet where she relieves herself.

When she’s done she staggers back toward the living room when
she finally notices the man, RUDOLPHO and his HUGE PENIS.

KENZIE
Ah! Hi.

RUDOLPHO
Hello. Hey, thanks again for last night.

KENZIE
Oh, it was... It was... My pleasure.

RUDOLPHO
Sorry if I was annoying. I can get
a little loud. You weren’t
uncomfortable, were you?

KENZIE
(Staring at his dick)
Uncomfortable? Um. Not that I remember.

There’s a knock at the front door.

KENZIE
Um, I have to... Uh...

She bolts for the door and answers it. It’s her neighbor
Mark.

MARK
They finally got the door unstuck.
The landlord said it shouldn’t
happen again, but I’m not holding
my breath.

KENZIE
Who cares. I have problems.
There’s a gorgeous naked man in my
bedroom with a HUGE... Thing.

MARK
By thing, I’m guessing you’re
talking about a penis?

KENZIE
Yes!

MARK
Obviously, you mean Rudolpho.

KENZIE
Rudolpho?

MARK
Wow, you were more drunk last night
then I thought. I picked up
Rudolpho at a club and when we got
back here you were sprawled half
naked, asleep in your open doorway,
snoring, with your hand still on
the doorknob. My damned door got
stuck again and you graciously
offered us your bed for out carnal
delight. I’d apologize for keeping
you up all night, but it’s clear
that we didn’t.

KENZIE
Oh, I’m not sure if I’m relieved or
disappointed.

They’ve made their way into the living room where Rudolpho
has now joined them, still naked as a jay.

He kisses Mark good morning.

MARK
Why don’t you cover yourself up
before you hurt someone with that thing.

RUDOLPHO
K.

KENZIE
(Quickly) No, it’s ok, you don’t
have to cover up on my account.

Too late. He’s gone.

KENZIE
Oh, my head. I need some aspirin.

MARK
Might wanna check your answering
machine. Your phone was ringing
off the hook all night.

KENZIE
Probably just a bunch of jerks from
Tijuana who want to propose.

She glances at the machine after downing some drugs. There
are 158 messages.

KENZIE
Holy shit! What did I do last night?

She presses play.

IVAN
(message #1) Kenzie? You hear
news? Call me immediately.

IVAN
(message #2) Kenzie, is Ivan.
Where are you? Call me back.

IVAN
(message #3) Kenzie? I hope you
not do anything stupid. Is Ivan.
Call me when you get this.

KENZIE
Uh-oh.

IVAN
(message #4) Is Ivan again. Call
me.

Kenzie stops the player and dials Ivan.

KENZIE
Ivan. It’s Kenzie. What... What?... WHAT?

CUT TO:

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Kenzie, Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are lounging. Stella is
reading from a laptop while everyone else has a newspaper or
magazine.

There are a stack of them scattered on the floor all with
photos of Jules Blix and Langdon Spritzer.

STELLA
(Reading) After a twenty-four hour
whirlwind romance superstar actress
Jules Blix and rock icon Langdon
Spritzer have announced their
engagement. Said Blix, “Langdon
gave me this amazing African statue
on our first date and I knew I was
completely smitten”. Awww.

KENZIE
I do not believe that... But why
quit acting.

MARK
(Reading) Blix and Spritzer have
decided that she will give up her
successful career in film to become
a housewife and raise little
Jules’s and Langdon’s to the dismay
of many production companies that
she’d signed deals with.

KENZIE
And one poor screenwriter that she
didn’t quite yet. I think I’m
gonna be sick. Well, at least I
still have my job at the boutique.

STELLA
Um... You don’t remember telling
Mr. Pinkston he could shove his job
up his wife’s fat ass and then suck
it out with a straw?

KENZIE
Please tell me you’re kidding...
Why didn’t you stop me? You’re
supposed to be my best friend.

STELLA
At the time I thought you were a
millionaire. It was all I could do
not to cheer you on. I mean, I
didn’t want to loose my job too.

KENZIE
Oh, God. Mark, remember when you
offered me that loan?

MARK
Yeah. But, that was when I knew
you were good for it. Now you’re
unemployed and a bad credit risk.

KENZIE
Christ. What am I gonna do?

The phone rings.

STELLA
Want me to get that?

KENZIE
Let the machine get it.

Message:

TODD
Hi Kenzie. It’s Todd. We went out
a few nights ago. I would really,
really like to see you again. Give
me a call and let’s set something up.

MARK
Well there you go. The answer to
your problems. That boy sounds
like he’s ready to propose over the
phone. Get married real quick and
then divorce him and take all his money.

STELLA
He doesn’t have any money or I
would have already married him
myself instead of fixing him up
with Kenzie.

KENZIE
And he’s a jerk. I had to give him
a sympathy blowjob just to get him
to leave.

RUDOLPHO
Wouldn’t it be nice if giving
blowjobs could make all our
troubles go away.

After a moment to ponder this thought:

STELLA
Actually, maybe it could.

KENZIE
What, you think I should become a prostitute?

STELLA
No. Although you’d probably do
well... No, I meant it’s too bad
you couldn’t just give Langdon
Spritzer a Kenzie special. He’d
dump Jules Blix. She’d go back to
acting and you’d get your script sold.

KENZIE
That’s awful. (Hold up photo of
Blix) Look at how happy she is.
Even though Spritzer is a scumbag,
I really like Jules. I wouldn’t
want to see her hurt.

STELLA
Oh, come on Kenzie. She might be
happy now, but you really think
he’s right for her? He’s already
made her give up her career. He’s
gonna keep her barefoot and
pregnant and while she’s all fat
and unhappy he’ll be off screwing
groupies while he’s on tour. You
said it yourself; he sleeps with so
many girls he makes them sign
waivers. You think that’s gonna change?

KENZIE
Probably not. But, I can’t...
He’s so slimy.

STELLA
Excuse me, Miss ‘I’ll blow a corpse
if it’ll save me three dollars at
Macy’s’. You wouldn’t suffer for
two minutes to sell your script for
a million bucks?

Kenzie is just about sold on the idea.

MARK
You’re not serious about this are
you? It’s a ridiculous idea.

STELLA
Why?

MARK
First, how could Kenzie get close
enough to even attempt it?

STELLA
You’ve got a point there.

KENZIE
He gave me his private cell number.

STELLA & MARK
What???

KENZIE
At the boutique. I threw it away,
but I imagine it’s still there.

MARK
Ok, but really... Really. As much
as guys love blowjobs, I highly
doubt you’re so orally talented
that two minutes with you could
make him dump Jules Blix.

KENZIE
I might have to dispute you on that one.

RUDOLPHO
Oh please. Every girl thinks she
gives the best head in the world,
but the truth is that no girl even
holds a candle to the least
talented guy. I mean how can a
girl, who obviously doesn’t have a
penis, fully understand how to
pleasure one as well as a man who’s
had one every day of his life?

MARK
That has been my experience too.

KENZIE
What do you want me to do? Prove
it by blowing you?

MARK
I am a connoisseur of receiving
fellatio, but I could never... I
mean I feel like your father...

STELLA
What would you do? Close your eyes
and pretend she’s a man?

MARK
Worked for twenty years with my
wife. But, really Kenzie, I’m
starting to feel uncomfortable even
talking about this.

She has already grabbed his hand and is pulling him
grudgingly off the couch and leading him to the bedroom.

KENZIE
Come on Kimo Sabi. It’ll be over
before you know it.

MARK
Kenzie, really... I can’t...
Really, no...

The bedroom door closes.

RUDOLPHO
No offense to your friend, but
after last night I doubt Mark will
even be able to get it up.

Stella continues reading on her laptop.

Rudolpho grabs a magazine and opens it.

A moment passes.

The bedroom door flies open and Mark storms out zipping up
his pants.

MARK
Come on. I’ll drive.

RUDOLPHO
Where are we going.

MARK
To the boutique to find that number.

Stella jumps up and Kenzie comes out of the bedroom wiping
her mouth.

MARK
And Rudolpho, maybe you could chat
with Kenzie some time and get some
pointers.

EXT. DUMPSTER BEHIND THE BOUTIQUE - LATER

Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are digging through garbage cans
beside the dumpster when Kenzie pops up from inside of it
waving a scrap of paper.

KENZIE
Got it!

INT. CAR - LATER

Kenzie is dialing Langdon on her cell.

KENZIE
Hello, is Langdon Spritzer there?
Who is this? It’s Ke-

She quickly hangs up.

STELLA
Was it him? What happened?

KENZIE
I almost told him my name.

STELLA
You’re not gonna tell him your name?

KENZIE
If Langdon Spritzer knows my name,
then Jules Blix will know my name.
And if Jules Blix knows that Kenzie
Hunter stole her fiance I doubt
Jules Blix will want to purchase
Kenzie Hunter’s script for a
million dollars.

STELLA
You have a point there.

MARK
Didn’t he see your name tag at the
boutique.

KENZIE
Hopefully he won’t remember.

RUDOLPHO
You know, Jules Blix should never
see you at all until Spritzer is
completely out of the picture.

KENZIE
Yes.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

KENZIE
Ok. I need to plan this out. From
a fake name and background to some
dialogue to act out on the phone.
It’s just like writing a script. I
can do this. I just need a little time.

MARK
Well, don’t take too much time.
Look at this.

He tosses her a newspaper.

KENZIE
(Reading) The US leg of Spritzers’
tour finished on Sunday night in
Los Angeles, the same night as his
first date with Blix that ended in
a marriage proposal... So?

MARK
Keep reading.

KENZIE
What? Blah, blah, blah... And
then... Wait... The wedding has
been planned for Saturday after
which Blix will be joining Spritzer
on the next leg of his
international tour beginning in
Australia on Sunday... Australia
on Sunday??? That give me four days!

Stella hands over her cell phone. Kenzie dials again.

KENZIE
Hi, is this Langdon Spritzer?
Ah... Me? I’m... (Cue on laptop)
Dell... Della... (Cue on water
bottle) Nestle... Yep, Della
Nestle. Uh-huh, like the candy
bar. Um, don’t you remember me? I
sold you that African statue at the
Chic Boutique the other day... Uh,
yeah, I heard... Well, you’re
welcome... Yes...
Congratulations... But, I was
thinking that since you’re going to
be married soon... Um, very
soon... That... Ah... You might
wanna have one last little fling
before you tie the knot.... You
and Jules have discussed it? She’s
ok with that?... You’re what?...
Accepting applications?... You
prefer multiple women?... At least
three?... Do I have... Well, um,
I could get a few friends... I
suppose... No, I don’t mind
signing a waiver... Call back when
I’m ready?... Slots are going
fast?... Well, alright... I...
Hello? Hello? (Pause) I might
need to rethink this.

My Views On Tim Tebow

Yes, I know Tim Tebow is 7-1 as a starter for the Broncos and I completely respect the fact that he DOES win, as well as the WAY that he wins. I really loved this guy in College, despite that I'm an Ohio State guy.

So, why am I not on the bandwagon?

I’ll tell ya. Look at who he’s beaten so far.

#1 Miami Dolphins - a team that was WINLESS when they played and actively searched out ways to lose at the time.

#2 Oakland Raiders - I don’t think the Raiders are particularly good, period. BUT, their starting QB was done for the year and this was Carson Palmers first start since 2010 and their star RB (McPhaden) did not play.

#3 KC Chiefs - We all agree the Chiefs suck, right? Oh yeah and their star RB (Charles) and SS (Berry) as well as a bunch of other defenders were out that game.

#4 NY Jets - Perhaps the best team they’ve beaten was 5-4 coming into this game. 5 AND 4. They were a .500 team after this game. Do you consider that good? And they’d just had their asses handed to them by New England.

#5 San Diego Chargers - Losers of FIVE IN ROW coming into this game. Yeah, the Chargers are a legitimate threat… Please.

#6 Minnesota Vikings - The Vikings are 2-11, need I write more?

#7 Chicago Bears - Finally a good team… Before they lost their starting QB (Cutler) and star RB (Forte). Do you really think the Bears score 10 points if those two guys play? Really?

Now, again, you still have to win the games and Tebow and his Broncos have accomplished that. Oh, wait a minute, that’s only 7 games. They did play one other.

#8 Detroit Lions - Though the Lions don’t look nearly as good now, they were playing great when they met up with Denver in week 8 and trounced them 45-10. This is the only good team Denver has played.

Yet despite this I see a very clear path for them to a Super Bowl win; almost as if it was preordained by a supreme being that I totally don't believe in. Here's why:

This Sunday it’s the Patriots. Yes, Tom Brady and his awesome Patriots… Who tote in the LAST RANKED defense in the league. I’m not saying Denver will win. I don’t think they will, but it would not totally surprise me. However, they will beat the crappy Bills the following week and the pathetic Chiefs again in the final Sunday.

They’ll be 10-6 (possibly 11-5 if they can take out New England), win the division and play a wild card team at home in the playoffs. At the moment I think they’d be playing the NY Jets in that game. A team they’ve already beaten. Could they beat them again. Of course. In which case Tebow will be lauded as a Superhero if he’s not already and hey if Denver wins a playoff game that would be a MAJOR accomplishment.

Second round. I have no idea how these match ups are made, but if they play Baltimore, they’d be playing against a team whose offense completely disappears at times. Could they defeat the Ravens if Tebows offense only needs to score 10 or 14 points? Hell yeah they could, especially if seven of them are supplied by a pick-six from Flacco (something Flacco does a lot).

Third Round would be a legitimately good team. If they could win against Pittsburgh, Houston, or New England in the playoffs, I think I’d finally have to tip my cap to Tim Tebow, but I don't think it'll happen. Of course if there's a key injury or two on any of those teams before Denver plays them... That would mean…

Denver would play Green Bay (guessing, of course) in the Super Bowl.
The Pack would have then won a whopping 24 straight games!!! Could they finally be due for a plain out horrible performance across the board? Hmmm. It’s not that far fetched.

So here we have a scenario where Tebow wins a Super Bowl in his rookie season; something that has never been done by a rookie QB. Yet, if the perfect storm occurs….

I don’t think it will, but even if it does, I’d still bet on Denver not even making the playoffs next year.

I have nothing against Tim Tebow (even though he’s a religious zealot, which kinda creeps me out). I simply don’t think he’s that good of a QB. But, I’m an open minded guy. He could change my mind. He DOES get a little better every game. But, really, even if he continues to be an average Quarterback at best (83.9 QBR (#14 of 32 basically middle of the pack)), does it really matter as long as he keeps on winning?

I’m not sure that it does….

Any way we can get him on my Browns????

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Comments are also MOST WELCOME

CP3, The Machine, My Continuing Disgust With Lebron Haters, And A Possible Fix To Free Agency

Like most basketball fans yesterday, I watched in fascination as the Chris Paul trade evolved, transpired, and finally dissolved in a League Veto. And I’ll admit, I was a bit shocked by the situation as I agree with many commentaries I’ve read in that the league owning the Hornets is clearly a conflict of interest. At least to my untrained eye (though I do fancy myself to be someone with a healthy dose of sports acumen) the Chris Paul trade seemed pretty fair all around. New Orleans, who the league is and should be trying to protect, got a rather nice haul of players as well as an extra draft choice for a single guy.

But what no one is mentioning at all is the fact that Chris Paul, much like Carmelo Anthony did last year and Dwight Howard is in the process of doing now, has completely hijacked his team and is forcing it to trade him where he wants regardless of what it gets in return or other consequences. How does this not bring down the wrath of societal morality in the same way it did on the head of Lebron James last year? Actually, there’s really no comparison between the two trios because Lebron (and Wade and Bosh) were free agents. Let me repeat that: Lebron James was an unrestricted free agent. In other words he had completely fulfilled his contract and had NO more obligations toward the team he’d formerly been signed by. He was free and unrestricted and therefore allowed to play WHEREVER he so chose.

That’s the way the system is set up and I see nothing wrong with that. Take it from a guy who sees his favorite players walk away EVERY off season in free agency to the Nets (Alonzo Mourning), Red Sox (Manny Ramirez), Phillies (Jim Thome). Pretty much every good player the Indians or Browns develop either leaves via free agency after three to five years (or is traded away before he gets the chance) to the best teams in their respective leagues every off season. That’s sports. Sure it sucks, but do I hate those players who decided to leave? Of course not, that’s freaking stupid. The only players I hate are the ones who did horrible things to my favorite teams on the field: John Elway (actually, I hate the Broncos altogether), Michael Jordan, Dirk Nowitzki, The ‘97 Marlins, and ‘95 Braves. But, I don’t really HATE these people or teams, I only hate them in respect to my teams that they beat in key games/series. So, why do people hate Lebron? They feel betrayed? Well, anyone outside of Cleveland is certainly not allowed to use that as an excuse, but honestly, its laughable for Clevelanders too. Hell, the only reason Lebron was even on the Cavs (despite the fact that he’s from Ohio and grew up a fan) was because Cleveland was lucky enough to not only SUCK the year Lebron came out, but also win the draft lottery and get the #1 pick. If they hadn’t, James would have gone to a different team, hometown Ohio hero or not. He played for the Cavs for money. I’m sure he was happy to be there and genuinely wanted to bring a title to Cleveland, but he was/is first and foremost an employee. He owes nothing to the city of Cleveland, the Cavaliers as a team, and most especially the Cleveland fans. Why should he? Please tell me why? Do you owe this loyalty to the place where you work? If you had a better opportunity elsewhere you’re telling me you wouldn’t go? Why do you Clevelanders and all Lebron haters feel this weird entitlement??? Which only leaves the decision show. If that’s your reason for hating Lebron James, you’re fooling yourself and I can prove it. Ask yourself this: if Lebron had made his ‘Decision’ and it was to “Keep his talents on Lake Erie” would you still hate him? That's right, you WOULDN'T. Thus, it wasn’t the show itself, but only the fact that he headed to Miami. If Lebron had used the show to inform us he was staying in Cleveland the only thing that would be remembered about it was that it raised a few hundred thousand for underprivileged kids.

Thus, if you liked Lebron before he went to Miami, (unless you’re a Cavs fan) you’re pretty stupid for suddenly hating him after. And to the Cavs fans, you kinda need to get over it. Take a page from the St. Louis Cardinals who just lost a player to free agency that critics are calling the best to have played in the last 50 years. I bet there won’t be any Cavs type backlash. I’d further bet that when Pujols returns to play a game against the Cards (interleague of course), that the fans give him a standing O for his wonderful time there. Even though his team was sure they would resign him right until the moment he blindsided them by heading elsewhere. Even though he was on a championship team and left for no reason other then money (and Lebron took less money to have his best shot at a title).

But, of course all this is beside the point because Pujols and James were unrestricted free agents with the ability to sigh wherever they desired. And they used that freedom. Chris Paul and Dwight Howard on the other hand have not played out their contracts yet. They are the property of their respective teams for one more year. However, they are manipulating the system in a far more devious and malicious manner (much like Carmelo did last year) and no one seems to have a problem with it. We even forget that despite the fact that James and Bosh were free agents they did sign-and-trades with their respective teams so that the Cavs and the Raptors got a bunch of draft choices. Yes, it allowed the Heat to get the players for an extra contract year, but they didn’t have to do that. They didn’t have to give those former teams a single thing. But, the players and the Heat are class acts. Howard, Melo, and CP3? Not so classy. Yet, no one has any problem with them. In fact, we feel bad for Chris Paul because the League vetoed his trade! Niether he nor the others will be booed when they come to town with their new team. They won’t be despised (probably not even by people in Denver, Orlando, or New Orleans). No one will burn their jerseys or make signs with language that can’t be displayed on TV. Actually, I think I should stop for a moment and ask “What is fucking wrong with people?”.

Does anyone even REMEMBER the above photo???

But, I’m not simply someone who will bitch about things without offering suggestions on how to fix them.

What if the only way a player can sign a max contract or even a near max (say anything over 12 million a year) is with the guarantee that he has to stay with the team he’s on and re-up every time his contract expires. If that player decides he wants to leave he has to inform the team during the off season before his last year and at that time the contract reverts to 40% of its value (but not in trade value (meaning that in a trade the other team would still have to give up the full value of the original contract)) and they’re allowed to become unrestricted free agents at years end. This way, the team knows a full year in advance that they have to make arrangements for either replacing him after that year or trading him AND the teams gets the 60% in cap space to use to help them out immediately. Star players will REALLY have to want to leave their team (which is fine) but owners are at least somewhat protected. Maybe the teams even get a sandwich draft choice (and cap allowance for signing) when those types of players leave as well? Perhaps not a perfect idea, but maybe a good start.

Ok, rant over…
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Strange Things Are Afoot In Happy Valley

I think about the outrage with which people are responding to the Sandusky-Penn State molestation scandal and am for the most part disgusted. I have always felt that most people go out of their way to find reasons to be outraged, heavy handed, and morally superior to those around them.

We want to see people we respect brought low; especially those in the entertainment industry of which any sport, even college sports belongs. Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson, Alex Rodriguez, and countless others.

Look, I’m not defending Sandusky in this even though he professes his innocence and there has been no trial yet. But, most of the articles I’m reading have nothing to do with him and instead are damning a school with a near flawless record and a beloved coach in Joe Paterno.

Check out this quote from an article I just read, “This isn’t about Sandusky“… “If the allegations are true, Joe Paterno should be instructed to take his 46 years and 409 wins and leave in disgrace.”

It isn’t about Sandusky? If a man Paterno KNEW committed a crime, he should be fired in disgrace? Now I suppose the central question is whether or not JoePa knew if Sandusky was/is a child molester. If he did, that’s pretty fucked up. No complaints there from me.

But, come on. Think for a minute. Just one fucking minute. Look past your moral outrage, cause god knows you (every one of you people reading this article (that’s right all three of you (if I’m lucky that many))) have every right to be outraged. Fucking please. Wasn’t there a line in the Bible about he who is above guilt should be the first one casting stones? Don’t get me wrong, guilty people should be punished, but enough with the being superior bullshit. What is this display for? Who benefits from you being outraged at terrible acts? Why are you outraged about this scandal, but don’t even think about genocide going on in other countries RIGHT THIS SECOND? Or if that’s too far away, about the other cases of child molestation that are in the paper, but weren’t perpetrated by someone as famous--- EXCUSE ME, not perpetrated by someone famous, but perpetrated by someone who WORKED for someone famous? Hey, I know when you hear about those things you say, "That's horrible" and really mean it, but then it's forgotten. There's none of this moral superiority.

But, back to my point. Let’s for a moment hypothesize about that day nine years ago when a ‘distraught’ and ‘traumatized’ grad student went to coach Joe Paterno’s house to inform him that he saw Sandusky rape a 10 year old in the football team shower.

“Are ya sure?” asks Joe. I don’t know the student’s answer, but most college kids know what fucking looks like and if one of the participants is a 10 year old, it’s rape no matter what.
“Ya, I’m sure.”

Now, I’m Joe Paterno. I’m gonna ask the kid why he didn’t go to the police, but instead came to me first. I’ll give the kid the benefit of the doubt. He’s confused. He just didn’t know what to do.

“Are you sure?” asks Joe again. Hey, he’s known this guy and been friends with him for like 40 YEARS. You can’t discount that. Imagine someone who is a friend of yours for 40 years. A good friend. A person who you would NEVER think could POSSIBLY be a pedophile.

Ok, look. Joe doesn’t want his college implicated whether it’s true about Sandusky or not and hey, I can’t fault him for thinking this. So he tells the student to go home and then calls his bosses. Now this is following PROPER CHAIN OF COMMAND for wrongdoings at a college.

What happened at THIS meeting? I mean, seriously, what do you think the President of the college told Paterno? Don’t worry Joe. I can’t believe it either. We’ll talk to Sandusky. We’ll talk to the grad student. Hell. We’ll talk to the kid. We’ll get to the bottom of this and by George if there was a crime committed we’ll go straight to the cops.

Good, thinks JoePa. Great. Gather all the facts and make a decision. That’s smart. I still don’t believe it’s true. It’s Sandusky for Christ sake. He’s not a pedophile!

Meanwhile, Joe’s an incredibly busy guy who goes back to his life. Trust me, he didn’t forget about this. Maybe a week or two passes. Maybe more before he asks the President what happened with that ‘incident’.

We talked to everyone involved. There was no rape. It was all a misunderstanding. Just to make sure that no more misunderstandings happen we’ve told Sandusky he can’t bring kids onto campus anymore.

Ah, ok. I KNEW it. I’ve known Sandusky for 40 YEARS!
You’re sure? There’s no need to go to the cops?

Positive! Trust me, if he’s molesting children I’d go straight to the authorities.

Would you have gone to the police to turn in your friend? With no evidence whatsoever? Maybe you’d even question the guy yourself. I have to assume he’d flatly deny it. Hell, he’d probably be morally outraged that you’d even think such a thing.

Meanwhile, six more years go by without incident.
Is Paterno to blame? Should be fired in disgrace?

Obviously, in this fictional dramatization the college President is somewhat of the bad guy, but that doesn’t have to be the case either. Maybe he really did question everyone involved and HONESTLY felt it was a misunderstanding and there was no reason to go to the police. I mean, what if that one episode had been the only one and it turned out to really not be any sort of crime. You’d drag his name, the college, and everyone else involved through the mud on a MAYBE.

Now, it’s looking like it’s way more then just a maybe at this point, but 9 years ago we couldn’t say that.

Could future crimes have been prevented if something had been done back then? Maybe. Possibly. Probably. Can you really blame people for not doing more? Do you REALLY think they knew Sandusky was raping children and they shielded him to protect the college? These are intelligent men. I kinda doubt they would do that. Perhaps these men, who also knew Sandusky as a person, probably couldn’t believe these allegations either. I know from having been personally accused of a crime I did not commit, it’s nice to know your friends will stand by you. And it’s terribly scary when people you’ve never met look at you as if you’re complete scum even though you’re innocent and they don’t know fact one about your case.

But it’s ok for them to be morally outraged…

If the guy is guilty he deserves to be punished to the full extent of the law, same as any other criminal. In the end this is about those alleged crimes that he committed against those young victims. It’s not about bringing down a famous person or institution because YOU decided he or it’s to blame because of association AND because, fuck it, we like seeing our heros abased.

http://sports.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/blog/dr_saturday/post/Former-Penn-State-LB-Matt-Millen-gets-emotional-?urn=ncaaf-wp9465 (Sorry, couldn't figure out how to embed it)

I'm all for punishing ANYONE who is guilty, but check out this video of Matt Millen, a former Penn State linebacker (Sandusky was the linebackers coach) explain his thoughts. He's SPOT ON in my estimation.

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Adaptation Of Neil Gaiman's "Murder Mysteries"

INT. CELL - TIMELESS

The CELL is small, closet like. It's walls look like glowing frosted white glass.
What appears to be a man, stands UNMOVING inside.

The DOOR OPENS and the ANGEL (LUCIFER) appears. Lucifer is radiantly beautiful, male in appearance, and like all angels has WINGS and seems to GLOW FROM WITHIN.

LUCIFER
I am Lucifer, Captain of the Host.
I have been sent to call you into being.
You are Raguel. Vengeance of the Lord.

The NEWLY NAMED (RAGUEL) moves for the first time; bowing his head.

LUCIFER
There has been a... a wrong thing. The first of its
kind. You are needed.

Lucifer turns and exits. Raguel follows.

EXT. CELL - CONTINUOUS

Apparently MILLIONS of these cells are stacked upon each other with the figure of an angel in each one. The one Raguel just left is now empty.

EXT. STREET AT THE EDGE OF THE SILVER CITY - TIMELESS

Lucifer and Raguel land beside the body of a DEAD ANGEL (CARASEL). The body is mostly dark, but there is a tiny bit of ANGEL GLOW within him that falls completely dark by the end of the scene. He lays on his back, a bloody hole is in the middle of his chest.

Beside the street where the three are is a tall building (THE HALL OF BEING) and on the other side is NOTHING. This nothing is referred to as THE DARK or THE DARKNESS.

LUCIFER
You must find who is responsible, and how; and take the
Vengeance of the Name on whosoever caused this
thing to happen. (pause) I have work to attend to.

Lucifer exits.

Raguel begins examining the body from all angles. He bends down and puts his finger in the hole in Carasels chest. It enters easily. He rolls the body onto its side and discovers it is all bloody underneath and then puts it back.

He looks up into the sky toward the top windows of the building.

INT. HALL OF BEING - TIMELESS

This great hall has a HUGE DIAGRAM on one wall that is basically the BLUEPRINTS OF CREATION

A short, balding, fussy, managerial looking angel stands in the center of the hall. This is the ANGEL PHANUEL. There is a line of angels waiting to speak to Phanuel. In turn he listens, advises, commands, questions and sends them back to work.

Raguel goes straight to the front of the line and confronts Phanuel.

With a glance from Phanuel, the other angels disperse.

PHANUEL
Raguel is it not? What need have you of me?

RAGUEL
You are Phanuel. You found the body?

PHANUEL
Ah, poor Carasel. Indeed I did. I was leaving the Silver City
to ponder a work Concept, Regret, by name- Not into the
DARKNESS, of course. No one goes out there, just out
above the city and... Poor Carasel. How could he do that to
himself? How?

RAGUEL
You think his destruction was self-inflicted?

PHANUEL
But of course. Carasel was working under me developing
a number of concepts that shall be intrinsic to the
universe when it's Name shall be Spoken. He was working
on a major project, one that I myself, or even Zephkiel
would normally handle. But he's done such sterling
work. His last project was so remarkable; a trivial emotion
that he and Saraquael elevated into... But that is
unimportant as it was this project that forced him into non-being.

RAGUEL
What was this project?

PHANUEL
I'm not sure I ought to tell you. All new concepts
are highly sensitive until their Names are Spoken.

Suddenly Raguel's ASPECT arises and he becomes larger and more commanding.

RAGUEL
I am Raguel, who is the Vengeance of the Lord.
I serve the Name directly. My questions are to be answered.

Phanuel becomes very frightened.

PHANUEL
Carasel and his partner were researching Death. Cessation
of life. An end to physical, animated existence. But Carasel
always went too far in his work. We had a terrible time
when he designed Agitation or any of the Emotions he worked on.

RAGUEL
You think Carasel died to - research the phenomenon?

PHANUEL
Or because it intrigued him. Or because he followed it
too far. Yes. (pause) I trust that you will repeat none of
this to any unauthorized persons.

RAGUEL
What did you do when you found the body?

PHANUEL
I was scared. I did not know what to do. The Angel
Lucifer came up behind me. I told him, showed him
the body and then... His Aspect came upon him and he
communed with the Name. He burned so bright. Then he said
he must go to fetch the one whose functions embrace such
as this. You, I imagine.

Raguel is now lost in thought.

PHANUEL (CONTINUING)
I suppose I should take Death away from Carasel's
partner. Perhaps give it to Zephkiel, the senior designer. If he'll take it.

RAGUEL
Who was Carasel's partner? Would he have been
the last to see him alive?

PHANUEL
That would be Saraquael. But you'd have to
ask him. Now if you'll excuse me.

Raguel exits the Hall as the other angels line up again to speak with Phanuel.

INT. SARAQUAELS OFFICE - TIMELESS

SARAQUAEL is a youngish looking Angel working diligently in his office with papers strewn about.

Raguel enters.

RAGUEL
I've Come about Carasel.

SARAQUAEL
Carasel isn't here at this time. I expect
him to return shortly.

RAGUEL
Carasel won't be coming back. He's ceased
to exist as a spiritual entity.

SARAQUAEL
He's dead?

RAGUEL
Yes. Do you know what might have happened?

SARAQUAEL
No, I mean he's been talking about it,
but I had no idea.

RAGUEL
Slowly.

Saraquael walks to the open air window where the wind rustles his long hair. Beyond the window is THE DARKNESS.

SARAQUAEL
Carasel is... No, was. That's right isn't it? He was
always so involved. He always wanted to understand
more. It was never enough for him. Of course that
was never a problem with properties of matter, but
when we began emotions... He would get too
involved with his work. Our latest project was Death.
It's a hard one. A big one. Perhaps the biggest. It
could arguably define the Creation and the Created. If
not for Death, they'd be content to simply exist. But
with Death, their lives will have meaning - a boundary
beyond which the living can not cross.

RAGUEL
Do you think he killed himself?

SARAQUAEL
He must have.

RAGUEL
How?

Saraquael shrugs. He looks out into the DARKNESS.

RAGUEL
Did you know him well?

SARAQUAEL
As well as any of us know each other I suppose.
We saw each other here. We worked side by side.

RAGUEL
Tell me about Phanuel.

SARAQUAEL
Phanuel? He's officious. Doesn't do much - farms
the work out to others and takes all the credit.
(lowers his voice) To hear him talk you'd think Love
was all his own work. Still, he does make sure
the work gets done. Zephkiel's the real thinker of the
two senior designers. But, he never leaves his
office in the city center. Only Phanuel is allowed to see him-

RAGUEL
How about Lucifer? Tell me about him.

SARAQUAEL
The Captain of the Host? He doesn't work here.
I've seen him visit the Hall a few times, inspecting
Creation. They say he reports directly to the Name.
I've never spoken to him.

RAGUEL
Did he know Carasel?

SARAQUAEL
I doubt it. He's only been here twice as far as
I know. Though I have seen him pass by. In flight.

He motions out the window toward THE DARKNESS.

RAGUEL
Going where?

SARAQUAEL
I don't know.

RAGUEL
I may want to talk to you some more later.

SARAQUAEL
Very well. (pause) Do you know if they will
be assigning me another partner? For Death?

RAGUEL
No, I don’t.

EXT. PARK IN THE CENTER OF THE SILVER CITY - TIMELESS

There is a STREAM in this PARK and Lucifer stands watching it flow.

Raguel enters, watching him.

RAGUEL
Lucifer?

LUCIFER
Raguel. Are you making progress?

RAGUEL
Maybe. I need to ask you a
few questions? Do you mind?

LUCIFER
Not at all.

RAGUEL
How did you come upon the body?

LUCIFER
I saw Phanuel standing in the street. He looked
distressed and he showed me the dead angel. And
I fetched you.

RAGUEL
I see.

Lucifer bends down and puts his hand in the moving stream.

LUCIFER
Is that all?

RAGUEL
Not quite. What were you
doing in that part of the city?

LUCIFER
I don’t see what business that is of yours.

RAGUEL
It is my business Lucifer.
What were you doing there?

LUCIFER
I was... walking. Sometimes I just walk
and think. And try to understand.

RAGUEL
You walk on the edge of the city?

LUCIFER
(beat)
Yes.

RAGUEL
That’s all I wanted to know. For now.

LUCIFER
Who else have you spoken to?

RAGUEL
Carasel’s boss and his partner. They
both think he ended his own life.

LUCIFER
Who else are you going to talk to?

RAGUEL
Maybe everyone.

LUCIFER
Everyone?

RAGUEL
If I need to. It’s my function. I cannot rest until I
understand what happened and until the Vengeance
of the Name has been taken on whosoever
is responsible. But, I’ll tell you something I do know.

LUCIFER
What would that be?

RAGUEL
Carasel did not kill himself.

LUCIFER
How would you know that?

RAGUEL
I am Vengeance. If Carasel had died by his
own hand there would have been no call for me.
Would there?

Lucifer does not answer. Only stares at the stream.

EXT. SILVER CITY - TIMELESS

A huge beautiful SILVER CITY. Seen from above. It’s perfectly circular and beyond the circle is THE DARKNESS.

Raguel is making his way to the exact center.

INT. ZEPHKIEL’S CELL - TIMELESS

Raguel enters the large cell through the open air window.

(ZEPHKIEL) is seated in a chair head on fist, eyes closed. He is as radiant as any other Angel, but very old looking. Also, he has NO WINGS.

Zephkiel’s eyes open.

ZEPHKIEL
Welcome Raguel.

RAGUEL
You are Zephkiel?

ZEPHKIEL
Indeed. You’re staring, Raguel. I have no wings,
it’s true, but then my function does not call for me to
leave this cell. Phanuel reports to me with problems.
I think about them and occasionally make myself useful
by making some small suggestions. That is my
function, just as yours is Vengeance.

RAGUEL
Yes.

ZEPHKIEL
You are here about the death of the Angel Carasel.

RAGUEL
Yes.

ZEPHKIEL
I did not kill him.

RAGUEL
Do you know who did?

ZEPHKIEL
That is your function, is it not?

RAGUEL
Yes.

ZEPHKIEL
What do you want to know?

RAGUEL
Do you know what Lucifer was doing in that
part of the city before the body was found?

ZEPHKIEL
I can hazard a guess.

RAGUEL
Yes?

ZEPHKIEL
He was walking in the DARK.

Understanding is dawning on Raguel and he nods his head.

RAGUEL
I see. Then I suppose I have only one last
question for you; What can you tell me about LOVE.

INT. SARAQUAELS OFFICE - TIMELESS

Saraquael has a small mannequin of a wingless Angel inside of a rectangular box.

Again Raguel enters through the window.

SARAQUAEL
Oh, it’s you. Hello. Say, if you were to die do
you think you’d want to be placed inside a box and
put into the earth or perhaps set on fire and burned
to ashes?

RAGUEL
I don’t know.

SARAQUAEL
Neither do I. There’s just so much to do Raguel.
And we only get one chance at it you know. There’s
only going to be one Universe. I wish I understood why this
is all so important to Him.

RAGUEL
Do you know where Zephkiel’s cell is?

SARAQUAEL
Yes. I mean I’ve never been there, but
I know where it is.

RAGUEL
Good. Go there. He’ll be expecting you and
I’ll meet you there.

SARAQUAEL
I have work to do. I can’t just-

Raguel’s ASPECT comes upon him and he becomes frightening to behold.

RAGUEL
You will be there. Go now!

Saraquael backs away from Raguel, toward the window without a word and leaps, flapping his wings.

Raguel opens the door and steps into the HALL.

INT. HALL OF BEING - CONTINUOUS

He FLOATS down past the enormous diagram of Creation to land beside Phanuel who is in discussion with another Angel (ANGEL #1) . Angel #1 hands Phanuel a paper and Phanuel gazes at it.

PHANUEL
So that’s Green? It’s not exactly how I’d imagined
it, but. Hmm. Leave it with me and I’ll get back to you.

Phanuel notices Raguel and turns to him brusquely.

PHANUEL
Yes?

RAGUEL
I have to talk to you?

PHANUEL
Mm? Well make it quick. I have much work to do.
If this is about Carasel’s death I told you all I know about it.

RAGUEL
This IS about Carasel’s death. And you will speak
to me. In Zephkiel’s cell. Go now and I will meet you there.

Phanuel seems about to say something, but thinks better of it, nods, and exits the HALL.

Angel #1 stands gape mouthed, staring at Raguel, who turns to him.

RAGUEL
Tell me something.

ANGEL #1
If I can, sir.

Raguel motions toward the DIAGRAM.

RAGUEL
What’s it for?

ANGEL #1
For? Why, it’s the Universe.

RAGUEL
I know what it’s called, but
what purpose will it serve?

ANGEL #1
It is part of THE PLAN. The NAME wishes it and it’s our
function to bring it into existence according to HIS wishes.
I’m sure HE knows it’s function, but HE has not revealed it to me.

RAGUEL
Yes, I see.

EXT. SKY ABOVE THE SILVER CITY - TIMELESS

Lucifer floats in the air watching a BATTALION of angels maneuver before him.

Raguel hovers beside him.

LUCIFER
Raguel. Have you solved the mystery?

RAGUEL
I believe so. Will you accompany me to Zephkiel’s cell?
There are others waiting and I will explain everything there.

LUCIFER
Certainly. Azazel!

An Angel from the formation (AZAZEL) breaks away and comes toward Lucifer.

LUCIFER
Please take over for me and continue drilling.
They still have much to perfect.

Without waiting, Lucifer heads away with Raguel.

RAGUEL
What are you training them for?

LUCIFER
War.

RAGUEL
With whom?

LUCIFER
How do you mean?

RAGUEL
Who are they going to fight? Who else is there?

LUCIFER
I do not know. But HE has NAMED us to be HIS
army and we will be perfect. For HIM. The NAME
is infallible and all-just and all-wise, Raguel.
It can not be otherwise. No matter what they-

RAGUEL
What‘s that?

LUCIFER
No matter what.

RAGUEL
Ah.

CUT TO:

INT. ZEPHKIEL’S CELL - CONTINUOUS

Everyone has gathered in the large room. All standing except for Zephkiel.

RAGUEL
I am the Vengeance of the Name. The arm of the Lord.
I am Raguel. The Angel Carasel is dead. It was given to
me to find out why he died and who killed him. This
I have done. Now, the Angel Carasel was a designer
in the Hall of Being. He was very good, or so I am told...
Lucifer, tell me what you were doing before you came upon
Phanuel, and the body.

LUCIFER
I told you already. I was walking.

RAGUEL
Where were you walking?

LUCIFER
I do not see what business that is of yours.

RAGUEL
Tell me.

LUCIFER
Very well. I was walking in the DARK. I have been
walking in the DARKNESS for some time now. It helps me
gain perspective of the City, being outside of it.

RAGUEL
And what do you do in the DARK, Lucifer?

LUCIFER
I walk. And... There are voices in the DARK. I listen to
the voices. They promise me things, ask me questions,
whisper, and plead. And I ignore them. I steel myself and I
gaze at the City. It is the only way I have of testing myself.
I am Captain of the Host; I am first among Angels and I must
prove myself.

RAGUEL
Why did you not tell me this before?

LUCIFER
Because I am the only Angel who walks in the DARK.
Because I do not want others to walk in the DARK.
I am strong enough to challenge the voices. Others may
not be so strong. Others may stumble, or fall. And
I do not want this.

RAGUEL
Thank you Lucifer. Phanuel, how long have you
been taking credit for Carasel’s work?

Phanuel opens his mouth, but says nothing.

RAGUEL
Well?

PHANUEL
I... I would not take credit for another’s work.

RAGUEL
But you did take credit for Love.

PHANUEL
Yes I did.

RAGUEL
Please explain to us all what Love is.

Phanuel is uncomfortable. He speaks as if reciting a mathematical equation.

PHANUEL
It’s a feeling of deep affection and attraction to another
being, often combined with passion or desire- a need
to be with another. The feelings we have for the Name,
that is Love... Amongst other things. We are... We
are very proud of it.

RAGUEL
Zephkiel, when Phanuel passed the details of
Love on to you for approval, who did he tell you was
responsible for it?

ZEPHKIEL
He told me it was his project.

RAGUEL
Thank you. Now Saraquael, whose is Love?

SARAQUAEL
Mine. Mine and Carasel’s.
We worked on it together.

RAGUEL
You knew Phanuel was claiming credit for it?

SARAQUAEL
... Yes.

RAGUEL
And you permitted this?

SARAQUAEL
He promised he would give us a great project of
our own and if we said nothing we would have many
great projects. And he was true to his word.
He gave us Death.

RAGUEL
(to Phanuel)
Well?

PHANUEL
It is true that I claimed Love as mine.
But it was actually Carasel’s. And Saraquael’s.

Raguel walks to the window and looks out at the City.

RAGUEL
Carasel was a remarkable designer. If he had
one failing it was that he threw himself too
deeply into his work. Saraquael? While working
on Love, who did Carasel love? Who was his lover?

SARAQUAEL
I was.

Raguel turns around.

RAGUEL
Do you want to tell me about it?

SARAQUAEL
No (pause) But, I suppose I must. It was his idea
to become lovers. We would go back to his cell
whenever we could snatch the time. There we touched
each other, held each other, whispered endearments and
protestations of eternal devotion. His welfare mattered
more to me then my own. When I was alone I would
repeat his name and think of nothing but him. When
I was with him... Nothing else mattered.

Raguel crosses the room to him.

RAGUEL
Then why did you kill him?

SARAQUAEL
Because he would no longer love me. When we began
to work on Death... He lost interest. He was no
longer mine. He belonged to Death. I could not bear
his presence. I could not endure to have him near
me and know that he felt nothing. I thought... I hoped...
That if he was gone, then I would no longer care for him...
That the pain would stop. So, I killed him. I stabbed
him and I threw his body from out our window in
the Hall of Being. But the pain has not stopped.

Upset, Saraquael looks down at the floor, but Raguel lifts his chin with his hand.

SARAQUAEL
Now what?

Raguel’s ASPECT comes upon him once more and he embraces Saraquael almost like a mother comforting a tiny child. He glows fiercely like fire and this fire begins to spread through his body into Saraquael’s.

It’s clear that the fiery light is painful to Saraquael and it begins to burn away at him until there is nothing left at all.

Lucifer and Phanuel avert their eyes, though it’s unclear if it is because of the blinding light or the horror of the spectacle.

Only Zephkiel watches with deep sadness.

When the light fades there is no trace of Saraquael. Raguel turns back to the others.

RAGUEL
You have seen the Vengeance of the
Lord. Let it act as a warning to you both.

PHANUEL
It has. Oh, it has. I... I will be on my way, sir.
I will return to my appointed post. If that is all right
with you?

RAGUEL
Go.

Phanuel practically runs for the open window and stumbling, exits.

Lucifer crosses to where Saraquael had stood and kneels down there, bowing his head, inspecting the floor.

LUCIFER
That was not right. That was not just.

Lucifer is crying.

RAGUEL
It is justice. He killed another and was killed
in his turn. You called me to my function and I
performed it.

LUCIFER
But... He Loved. He should have been forgiven.
He should have been helped. He should not have been
destroyed like that. That was wrong.

RAGUEL
It is HIS will.

LUCIFER
Then perhaps HIS will is unjust. Perhaps the
voices in the Darkness speak truly, after all. How
can this be right?

RAGUEL
It is right. It is HIS will.

LUCIFER
No. I must think on this. I will go now.

And Lucifer walks to the window and steps into the sky.

ZEPHKIEL
You have performed your function well, Raguel.
Shouldn’t you return to your cell and await your next call.

Raguel is about to leave, but then he kneels just as Lucifer did and lowers his head.

RAGUEL
No, Lord. Not yet.

ZEPHKIEL
Get up. It’s not fitting for one Angel
to act this way to another. Get up!

RAGUEL
Father, you are no Angel.

Zephkiel says nothing and Raguel continues.

RAGUEL
Father, I was charged to find out who was
responsible for Carasel’s death and I do know.

ZEPHKIEL
You have taken your Vengeance, Raguel.

RAGUEL
Your Vengeance, Lord.

ZEPHKIEL
Ah, Raguel. The problem with creating things is
that they perform so much better then one ever
plans. Shall I ask how you recognized me?

RAGUEL
I’m not certain, Lord. You have no wings. You sit
at the Center, supervising Creation directly. When I
destroyed Saraquael, you did not look away. You
know too many things... You... As you say, you
created me well. But I only just understood when Lucifer left.

ZEPHKIEL
Understood what, child?

RAGUEL
Who killed Carasel. Or at least,
who was pulling the strings.

ZEPHKIEL
Why should anyone have ‘pulled strings’, Raguel?

RAGUEL
Because nothing occurs without reason and all
the reasons are yours. You set Saraquael up. Yes, he
killed Carasel, but he did it so that I could destroy him.

ZEPHKIEL
And were you wrong to destroy him?

RAGUEL
It was my function. But I do not think it was just.
I think it was needed that I destroy Saraquael, in
order to demonstrate to Lucifer the Injustice of the Lord.

ZEPHKIEL
And whatever reason would I have for doing that?

RAGUEL
I do not know. I do not understand that anymore then
I understand why you created The DARKNESS and
the voices within it. But you did. You caused all of this to occur.

ZEPHKIEL
Yes, I did. Lucifer must brood on the unfairness of
Saraquael’s destruction. And that - amongst other things - will
precipitate him into certain actions. Poor sweet Lucifer.
His way will be the hardest of all my children, for there
is a part he must play in the drama that is to unfold,
and it is a grand role.

RAGUEL
I must return to my cell. My function is fulfilled, but...

ZEPHKIEL
Yes, Raguel?

RAGUEL
I feel... Tarnished. Perhaps it is true that Your Will
is always good, but sometimes you leave blood on
your instruments.

ZEPHKIEL
If you wish Raguel, you may forget all that has
happened this day. However, whether you do or not,
you will not be able to speak about this with any other Angel.

RAGUEL
I will remember.

ZEPHKIEL
It is your choice. But sometimes you will
find it easier by far not to remember. Now
if you don’t mind, I have much work to get on with.

Raguel bows low and exits through the window, leaving Zephkiel alone.

He rests his head on his fist and closes his eyes.

INT. RAGUEL’S CELL - TIMELESS

The door to the empty frosted cell opens and Raguel walks in. He turns around to face the door as it closes and then becomes

COMPLETELY IMMOBILE.

CLOSE UP:

RAGUEL’S FACE

As a single tear rolls down his cheek.

THE END

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