So my computer was giving me these annoying pop-ups which is unusual because my CA-Security Suite provided by Time Warner with my cable works pretty well blocking spy-ware and such. I didn’t think much of it as they were fairly infrequent and went along with my business until I went to burn a copy of the DVD ‘Class‘, an old Rob Lowe movie that I have a fondness for. My burning software wouldn’t work which upset me to no end. I tried all sorts of things and continued to get the same error message. As a last resort I did a Yahoo search on that error message and was told repeatedly from many sites that it was due to a virus. I opened up my CA Security Suite and was informed that my spy-ware protection was not enabled. Sonofabitch. I tried to enable it, but no, error messages abounded. Sonofabitch.
So, I made the mistake of calling Time Warner to get them to fix things for me and here’s what happened…
First of all you have to go through a terrible automated system to get to the correct extension. The last but one option asks what sort of problem do you have (Connectivity, pass word, something I can’t remember, or anything else). Mine was ‘anything else’ so I pushed 4 and was greeted with a sickly sweet woman’s voice explaining to me that I can’t reset my password without my modem mac address which she then told me very slowly THREE fucking times (It’s a 12 digit sequence) and then reminded me that I CAN NOT fix password issues without this number which she then repeated again. It goes without saying that since my problem was NOT with my password, I had no need of this message. And you might think that sure, it’s a nuisance, but it’s only about three or four more minutes wasted, so big deal, right? Well, if you actually finish reading this rant and count the number of times I had to call and be subjected to this stupidity you’d be somewhere near realizing my irritation.
It’s the middle of the night and I get someone with an Indian accent whose name I couldn’t pronounce. It may have been Guacamole. I’m normally very nice to tech support people. I know what a suck ass job it is. I’ve had telephone jobs myself. I tried, I mean really tried to explain my problems to this guy, but he was so clueless and I had such a difficult time understanding every word he spoke because of his accent that in the end I just hung up on him and called again to get someone else. (The automated system) and then I get a new guy who was also Indian. Tampex, I think was his name. He was better. It took nearly ten minutes for him to understand what I was getting at, but eventually he suggested a solution. Before I was able to try it however I got a call on my other line. Now, it’s probably 3:30 in the morning and I’m not expecting anyone so I do what comes natural and ignore it. But, whoever it is hangs up after getting my machine and calls right back. My line keeps beeping and if you’ve ever spoken to me on my phone when I get a second call, you’d know that the connection goes completely out for about two or three seconds per beep making conversation impossible until the call goes to voice mail or hangs up. The person calls back a third time and now I decide to answer it if for no other reason then to yell at whoever it is. I don’t recognize the number and of course it ends up being none other then Guacamole. I tried not to be angry and explain that yes, we must have gotten disconnected and yes I called back and am with someone else. Naturally by the time he let me go I had lost the call with Tampex and needed to call back a third time.
After getting through the automated system I was put on hold, which was normal, but got promptly disconnected again just before the Time Warner music should have chimed in. Fourth call. Automated system. I know my fucking modem mac address by heart already and am way tired of having it repeated to me (it’s 00e06f7704a4 just in case any or you care). I am now speaking to Punjab who is ultra nice and terribly sorry for all the problems I’ve had so far this evening. I can only imagine the abuse these poor people must take on a nightly basis. Well, Punjab goes through his little list of all the possible fixes to my spy-ware woes and it’s discovered that the software won’t update and that’s why it stopped working. I believe a virus got in and caused this, but I’m keeping my mouth shut and hoping I’ll just get it fixed and forget about it. But, no, nothing we try works and eventually Punjab informs me that I need to completely uninstall CA Security Suite and reinstall, as it has become corrupted somehow. I’m a little dubious of this suggestion, but what the hell, he’s the expert, right? I’m mostly worried because not only am I getting rid of my anti-spy ware, but also my anti-virus protection, my fire-wall, and my anti-spam. Still, it should only be for as long as it takes download and reinstall the program. I uninstall CA Security Suite. Now Punjab tells me that the new software is waiting for me in my Roadrunner emailbox. Well. I’ve never ever used my Roadrunner emailbox. I don’t even know what web page it’s on. He directs me to it, but I can’t get in because the password has never been set. AHA! I can set it cause I know my modem mac address!!! Well, no I can’t because the reason that message is on the automated system is that Time Warner is having password issues across the country and they are having to reset everyone’s passwords. That’s fine, but it seems my specific area is still out of service and unable to reset so I’m shit out of luck. I not only have no anti-spy-ware protection on my computer, but I have NO protection AT ALL on my computer until… when exactly Punjab? Oh, sir, says Punjy (my pet name for him, we’re old friends by now), email is very important. And when it’s up you can reset your password yourself and install without me. It should be up in an hour or so. We’re working very hard. Oh I’m sure they are, but I ask, as an old friend who deserves a straight answer, will it really be a few hours or will it be more like a few days. Cause, ya see, if it’s really a few hours I’ll probably go back to the site often and check whereas if it’s a few days I’ll try maybe once a day so as not be regularly pissed off every few hours. Oh sir, email is very important, it should only be a few hours. REALLY Punjy? Cause I have no protection, so… Oh sir, I would recommend when going on line not to go to any web sites. Oh yeah? Don’t go to any web sites while I’m on line? That should be easy. And hey, it’s only a few hours.
Four days later the site is fixed and I reset my password. By now I’m having serious problems with my computer. The moment I turn it on I get pop-ups and when I finally get them all closed commercials start blaring out my speakers. No picture. Nothing I can turn off, just sound coming from nowhere apparently. Many of these commercials are not in English. Whenever I do a search and chose a link it goes to the same four or five sites trying to sell me various crappy products. Then, when I got into my roadrunner mailbox I couldn’t download the software. I found thereafter that I couldn’t download any sort of anti-spy ware software. I either got error messages or timed out screens.
Back to the phone where I was forced to navigate the auto system again and listen to my modem mac address for the umpteenth time. Now the person to answer was a woman and she was Hispanic. Her name might have been Charo. It took at least twenty minutes to explain my problems to Charo who wanted to retry all the same possible solutions that the previous customer service techs had. By now I was pretty frustrated and just wanted this fixed. As I tried to be nice she kept me on the phone for nearly an hour before bumping me up to Tier 2 Tech Support as they call it and Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez. Tuco was much more knowledgeable, but alas just as clueless on how to solve my problems. Another hour of following his instructions. I was actually able to download the CA software, but it would not install. Tuco was at a loss and eventually he told me to hold while he transferred me to Tier 3. Now I’m getting freaking high. By this time I wish I was high as of course, I was disconnected enroute. It was late so I decided to call back another time which turned out to be a few days later.
I gave Maria Conchita my reference number (I got a different one with each call) to get straight back to Tier 3 but lovely Maria wanted to fix my problems herself though I promised her that I’d been through a score of Tier 1 people. But if I would only explain my troubles, she promised she could help me. When I abjectly refused and demanded, she said she would have to read all the notes from the other Techs before she could decide what to do and put me on hold without asking if it was alright. There must have been a lot of notes cause she was gone for a LOOOONG time and when she came back she began by asking me to try doing something that I’d tried with those before her multiple times. I must admit that I snapped at this point and told her I would not do that. I HAD done it and it didn’t work. AND I didn’t intend to say another word until she transferred me to Tier 3. She attempted to conversate me a few times but I only responded with ‘transfer me to Tier 3’. Finally, she did.
Tier 3 was Alice. She was ridiculously nice. I can only assume that while throwing apologies and pleasantries at me she was constantly crossing herself and praying to the Virgin Mary that I didn’t fly to Argentina to do a Black Dahlia on her. I can only imagine that Alice gets only the most pissed off of all the Time Warner customers routed to her. And that’s saying something! She reminded me of the Jewish maids in Ralph Fienes house in Schindler’s List and it made me feel kinda bad for being so angry. Still, after a half hour with her I was no nearer to a solution. Alice gave up (actually quicker then some of the others I’d spoken to) and told me that I would need to speak to the CA Tech people themselves. AHA! Now we’re getting somewhere. No we’re not. You see, she could not contact them directly so she was going to send them my info and they would call me within the next 24 hours. What the FUCK?!?! It was Saturday evening about 6 and I was preparing to head out and Alice just told me that these people might call tonight or any time until 6 pm Sunday. So, what? I’m supposed to sit at home and wait? OH my fucking god was Alice sorry for his inconvenience. I mean REALLY FUCKING SORRY.
Well, screw that. I wasn’t gonna let them ruin my weekend. I did the things I needed to and when I got home I checked my messages. Absolutely no one had phoned by the time I went to sleep Saturday night (which was actually well into Sunday morning). And hey, no one from CA called Sunday either. Nor did they call Monday or Tuesday.
Wednesday, I found some time and scraped up the gumption to phone back yet again. Oh that damned automated system with my modem mac address. Tier 1, some Hispanic chick. Her name might have been Chiquita Banana. It only took about ten to fifteen minutes to get her to understand that I wanted to be transferred to the CA Tech people. She told me that apparently though Alice put the ticket through to have them call me, every ticket for CA has to be approved and mine wasn’t. Therefore no call. And of course no one bothered to mention this to me before or after I was told to expect their call in twenty four hours. She said she would put me on hold and get a supervisor to approve the ticket while I waited. That’s more like it. She put me on hold and disconnected me. FUCKING BITCH!!! Called back again. Automated freaking system. Tier 1, Emmanuel. That’s his real name. I hate him so much he deserves to be outed. Emmanuel refused to do as I asked and approve the ticket to CA. He felt the need to fix my problems himself and since I was being belligerent he was forced to read the entire five volume leather bound set of notes on my case file offering me the most insane advice on how to fix things. By now I was totally fuming. We probably spoke for about ten minutes or so, but it seemed like hours of him asking me questions and me sort of telling him the answers, but also telling him “I’ve been through all this and I need to speak to the CA people”. Eventually he says to me, “You’re right, you have a problem if you can’t reinstall CA.” No shit Sherlock! “Well, there’s only one thing you can do”, he continues, “You only have one option and nothing else.” Oh yeah, what’s that? “Do you have some sort of hardware to back up your file?”, he asks. WHAT? WHY? “Oh, you’re going to have to reformat your computer.”
I went ballistic. Yo, dude, just put your manager on right now. Well, we don’t need that sir. Put him on NOW! I want to speak to him NOW! Well, why sir? I mean what should I tell him? Tell him I want to speak to him NOW!
I was placed on hold and was quite sure I’d be disconnected, but alas on came Angel, a very sweet young girl who I’m sure had been duly warned of my condition. I could barely speak by the time she answered and I felt the need to tell her that her idiot assistant had just advised me to reformat my drive. Even she said, “What? Why?” I tried to explain briefly to her all that had transpired and she also refused to help me saying that she could not transfer me to the CA people without first going through all the options available to the three Tiers to fix the problems themselves. She just couldn’t seem to understand that I had been through those Tiers multiple times. She was pissing me off even more. Finally, she said, ok, she would see what she could do and she put me on hold. Oh, you guessed it all right. Click. Dial tone!!!!
That’s right. I called back immediately. Automated system and then got to Pina Colada. I didn’t even want to waste words on her. I told her I needed to speak to Tier 3 and I gave her my reference number. She said, get this, she is Tier three. She’s Tier 1, 2, and 3. Uh-huh. I went through my shpiel and told her I wanted to speak with the manager who had hung up on me. I even remembered her name and gave it to Pina Colada who gave me some lame excuse that Angel worked in another department and so she had no way to reach her. Is that bullshit or what? I’ve worked in offices. That’s BULLSHIT. Pina Colada told me she had to read my notes before she could determine what needed to be done. I begged. I pleaded. I burst into tears and sobbed. Would she please start with the most recent note instead of the oldest? PLEASE??? She sounded skeptical, but agreed and asked me to hold. NO! GOD NO! I’ve been disconnected too many times while on hold and you actually sound intelligent. I don’t want to lose you!!! She promised that she wouldn’t lose me and on hold I went. I don’t think she only read the last note, but she definitely didn’t read them all as she was back with me after a few minutes. She sounded shaken as if she had actually lived through some of the telephone calls she had read about. She began by offering her sincerest apologies at my plight. It seemed in the interim my ticket to CA had been approved and once again they would call me within 24 hours. But that’s ridiculous, I said. And yet that’s all she could do. She swore up and down that they had no way to directly reach CA or transfer me to them. She asked if there was a good time to call so it wasn’t too large a window. I appreciated that a lot and asked for a slot between noon and midnight. I heard her typing away and that was the end of that.
As anyone who is acquainted with me knows I normally stay up all night and sleep all day. Even a call at noon will probably catch me in bed. And so, the phone rang promptly at 8am. I woke groggy and unable to tell what the hell was going on. By the time I tipped the receiver off the cradle to make that horrible noise stop the call had gone to voice mail.
I retrieved the message. It told me to call the cable company with a ticket number she provided and have them transfer me to CA. And so, I did… After getting through the damned automated system again of course. This time it was Oscar Torres and he couldn’t understand what I wanted at all. I said, I have a reference number and need to be transferred to the CA tech people please and he kept asking, “why, what is the matter with your computer?”. After having no less then five renditions of this same dialogue I was forced to hang up and call back, going through the automated system yet again to get someone with at least half a brain. This would be Carmen Miranda. Carmen too wanted to fix my problems for me but I only had to go through the dialogue three times with her before she decided to read my file notes instead of talking to me. It took a bit, but she too returned apologetic and informed me that no, neither she nor anyone there was able to transfer me to CA no matter what ticket number I had. However, she would personally send them a letter and have them call me right back. What does that mean, right back, I asked? A few hours at the most. And when, in a few hours I have had no call from them, what then, I asked? She had no response and I continued digging at her until she admitted I would need to call back and go through this exact exchange again.
That was this morning. It’s midnight and they never called. There is no end to this story, or at least not yet, but it’s made me feel better to write it. Before I began writing I found a number on line for Tech Support for CA. I’ll attempt to call it directly tomorrow and maybe I’ll let you know how things turned out.
If you read all this crap, I hope it was at least worth a chuckle to learn about my travails.
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