Driving On The Highway

I’ve been wanting to write this article for a long time, but have always felt it to be a bit daunting as there’s so much information I’d like it to include and wouldn’t want to leave anything off. However, I think about it so often (every time I drive) that I’ve decided to just get something down on paper in the hopes of educating a few to possibly help the many. I suppose I can always go back and add more salient points as they come to mind.

And so without further ado: How To Drive On The Highway by Heath Russell

First, it needs to be pointed out that 99.9 percent of people, no matter what sort of person he may be, become self-centered, inconsiderate assholes when behind the wheel. Oh, I know you’re all nodding your heads in agreement with me, but at 99.9 percent, you’re more then likely one of those people. I totally understand why, but it’s crazy to me that people become so inconsiderate when driving. Here’s the thing; When a person is driving he feels isolated. He’s alone in his car. It doesn’t matter that there are so many other people on the road that it’s probably when he is dealing with more people at a time than at any other point during the day, hell maybe even in his lifetime! The frame of an automobile may as well be a computer monitor. We can yell, make lewd hand gestures, make maneuvers detrimental to others, piss people off with a variety of actions and inactions all without worry of repercussions. It’s sort of like playing online games with strangers. As long as you don’t get into an accident, you’re completely safe AND you know it’s less then likely because the LAST thing anyone else on the road wants is to have an accident. People will do everything in their power to avoid one instead of just crashing into you so a person can get out of his car and really give you a piece of him mind.

Driving should be the time when you are thinking MOST about those around you and LEAST about yourself, the music you’re listening to, the food you’re stuffing down your throats, the make up you’re applying, or whoever you’re chatting with or (God-for-fucking-bid) texting on your stupid fucking phone.

This should be the GOLDEN RULE of driving : Be considerate of those around you FIRST!

If everyone followed this, then YOU would have a much more pleasant driving experience because a hundred other people would be ACTUALLY TRYING to make your life easier. But it only works if YOU do it.

I must digress for a moment. Ok, remember back on who taught you to drive. Hmmm. For me, it was…. ME. My dad taught me to parallel park and my mother took me out once and cowered and shrieked for the ten minutes it took to get to the mall. Neither of them explained rules of driving, lane courtesy, etc. The driving manual you need to know to pass your test is great, but it doesn’t educate on what is proper in dealing with other drivers. So, I understand that it is not really your fault that you’re clueless on how to drive. I’m gonna give you a few simple rules that if everyone followed would make driving for EVERYONE more tolerable.

Getting on the Highway. One would think this would be so simple. Ok, whether you have a meter to navigate through or not, it’s the same thing. You get on the ramp and you must SPEED THE FUCK UP! Look, if you’re one of those people who drives slow and by that I mean AT THE POSTED SPEED LIMIT OR SLOWER, then quite honestly you probably shouldn’t be on the highway. I’m very serious. At the speed you’re traveling you won’t get anywhere that much quicker and you’ll piss off everyone else on the road. I know your first thought: Fuck them. Again, remember the golden rule. But, if you really need to take a highway to get where you’re going then please follow the rules. You need to get to the speed limit by the time you’re at the end of the ramp: that’s 55 to 70 mph. If you’re not there then how do you expect to get on? Everyone else is flying past you and the people behind you are totally fucked!

The Merge Lane. It seems to me that very few people understand what the merge lane is. I will now explain. The merge lane is ONLY for merging onto or off of the highway. That’s it. It’s pretty fucking simple. Let me make it even clearer. If you didn’t just get on THE PREVIOUS entrance OR are not getting off at THE NEXT exit, YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN THE MERGE LANE!!!! I can’t be more clear. The merge lane is for merging. When you’re entering the highway and the whole fucking lane is blocked up so you can’t get on it, it can drive you crazy. Why is it so crowded? Because more then half the cars shouldn’t be there. And you’re trying to get off and you can’t switch lanes because not only is the merge lane filled but they’re all going 3 miles an hour. Of course those in the merge lane are going a little slower then the rest of the lanes. I mean they’re slowing down to get off (though they shouldn’t start slowing until they are ON THE RAMP), or speeding up to get on. But, they’d be able to go A LOT faster if those who should not be in the lane WERE NOT IN IT! I really can’t understand these god damned timid drivers, most of them in minivans who drive ten miles under the speed limit and stay in the merge lane for the entire 40 miles of their commute. Yes, I know that sometimes the highway is empty enough that you can stay in the merge lane without impeding anyone else’s progress. But, if it’s so empty, how difficult is it to get into the second lane? And you just never know when someone will be getting on at any given entrance and need to get around you when you shouldn’t be there. RUDE, INCONSIDERATE BASTARD.

One last thing about the merge lane and any other spot where cars must merge like when a lane closes. When there really is a bottleneck for some reason and traffic is backed up. Always remember to merge with the zipper principle. One lane, then the other. Then the first. Then the second. There should never be hesitation. EVER. It should run smoothly and quickly. Like a zipper. Be polite. Remember the GOLDEN RULE. Let the person who should go next go. KEEP ALERT FOR YOUR TURN. Don’t make anyone honk at you. I personally don’t believe in honking. There should never be a reason and there never would if you follow the rules.

The Second Lane. Ok, all you slow driving wusses, listen up. This is your lane! Do with it as you will. Yes, the rest of us will need to get though you to get where we’re going on time, but it’s a small price to pay if we know you’ll all stay where you belong! Now this is legally the truck driving lane and if you’re going to drive like a truck driver then you deserve to be in it. Hell, most of you pussies are driving SUV’s and minivans anyway. They’re practically small trucks. I still assert that if you’re driving below the speed limit you should not be on this road at all, so stick with 55 here please!

This might be the proper time to point out something that seems infinitely obvious to me, but which clearly eludes most drivers: The second lane is THE SLOW LANE. Cars in the third lane must drive FASTER THEN THOSE IN THE SECOND. Cars in the fourth lane must drive FASTER THEN THOSE IN THE THIRD. And those in the fifth lane or (fast lane) are OBLIGATED to go the fastest. If your highway has fewer lanes then whatever the last lane on the left is, it’s your fast lane and you may lop off middle lanes from the list as necessary. If, no matter what lane you’re driving in, you find cars passing you, GET INTO THE NEXT LANE ON THE RIGHT. And keep doing this until you’re either in the second lane or you realize you shouldn’t be on the highway. Alternately, if you find there’s always someone going too slow in front of you, move to the left hand lane until you’re in the fast lane. If people are still too slow for you, that will be covered in the fast lane section.

Passing In The Left Lane. This section is for all those crazy lane changers of which I count myself. People shouldn’t do that. It’s dangerous. Still, if everyone drove in his appropriate lane people wouldn’t feel the need to go from the fifth lane ALL THE WAY over to the second to get around the car in front. Not much needs to be said here. If someone is going too slow for you 1. Decide if you need to get into and stay in the next faster lane and if not 2. Get into the next faster lane (the one to your left) pass the slower car and get back into the proper lane. Do it quickly and remember THE GOLDEN RULE.

Use Your Blinkers. Alright, you inconsiderate fucks, listen up: Blinkers are not for your benefit. They are for the benefit of EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD! Now, of course there aren’t as many reasons to use blinkers on the highway as on city streets, so it’s doubly important that you use them here. They’re pretty much only for lane changes. So, when you want to change lanes, USE YOUR FUCKING BLINKERS. This let’s the person in the lane you’re getting into AND getting out of know your intentions so that he can decide what HE wants to do. Yes, stop thinking about yourself for a fucking second. Ever been thinking about passing some Slow Poke Gonzalez and just as you’re about to switch lanes, he changes into the lane you want to get into without using his blinker? If he had used it, you wouldn’t have changed lane, would you? Of course if he read the above paragraph he wouldn’t be getting into that lane anyway, right? But, the point being, BLINKERS people. Use them. Again, they’re not for you, they’re for everybody else. I’m not a blinker Nazi though. If there’s no one within range behind you or in front of you in the lane you’re getting out of or getting into, then there’s no real need to turn them on. But really, how hard is it to use them anyway? It’s good to be in the habit.

Also, don’t forget to turn off your blinkers when you’re finished using them. There’s nothing worse then being behind some idiot with his blinkers on for no reason. You’re not sure what you should do; you think he’s getting out of your lane, hell, his blinkers are on, he must be, right? But, it’s been like SIX MILES!

Here’s a little section for motorcycle driver because my only beef with them is that they like to drive on the white lines between the lanes. I don’t think I’m alone in hating motorcyclists for this. They always seem like they’re a whisker away from hitting your car and I’m personally constantly on edge when they’re near. All I can say to you rude motherfuckers is this, “Please drive like the rest of us. Choose a lane and stay in it. If you must change lanes use your blinkers as stated above.” I realize that there’s not much else I can do to stop these cocksuckers so I can at least take solace in the knowledge that they are riding on borrowed time. The stats on motorcycling deaths are pretty clear. I wonder if it has something to do with the dangerous weaving ya’ll do? Think about it.

The Fast Lane. Um, this is for people who drive fast… I’ll never forget when a moron who shall remain anonymous (Caulette King) once said in my presence (not to me actually) “I hate it when I’m in the fast lane and someone comes up behind me really fast and flashes his brights at me. I slow down a lot so he has to go around me. I like watching him cuss and scream.” If this happens to you often, then maybe you don’t drive fast enough to be in the fast lane! Quick news flash for those who do not know this: When you are in the fast lane and you’re coming up to someone driving slower who may not see you in his rear view mirror, the polite thing to do is to flash your brights briefly to get his attention so that he can quickly get out of your way that you may pass without having to slow down. This is the POLITE thing to do. The CORRECT thing. I suppose if you didn’t know this, then that person flashing his brights at you may seem like a dick. Anyway, people who drive at the speed limit should NOT be in the fast lane. NEVER. This lane is for people who drive well above the speed limit. If you have a problem with this, fuck you! Stay out of their way. If you find people are passing you a lot when you’re in this lane, hell when you’re in any lane, it’s your OBLIGATION to move over into a slower lane. However, there are a few people who are real speed demons. I don’t agree with them. I feel anyone going over 80-85 on a busy highway or in excess of 100 on an emptier one may be dangerous to himself and others, but that is what the police are for. However, these people should stay in the fast lane and when they come up behind you, jump over for a second while they pass and then get back in and go along your merry way. Just stick to THE GOLDEN RULE and realize that they deserve consideration too. Just because I may personally disagree with the way someone drives doesn’t mean I have to be an asshole. Hey, for all I know maybe that lady is rushing a kidney to a small child in need.

Stopping On The Highway. This one is easy. DON’T DO IT! YOU FUCK! There are no street lights on a highway. I constantly find myself completely at a standstill wondering how I could possibly be stopped. I’d love to go up in a helicopter and find the point where that first car came to a halt. There must be a point. Why did he do it? Is there a brick wall in front of him that suddenly disappears when he takes his foot off the brake? I can only guess that it’s someone being timid. Slowing down way too much to change lanes and creating a chain reaction behind him. Here’s another tip. Since the lane to your right should ALWAYS be going slower then you… SPEED UP and get in the lane. Then slow down to the new lane’s average speed. Why is this so confusing to people??? Or bottlenecks occurring on ramps between highways, or exit ramps. All I can say is that if people followed the above guidelines and traffic ran smoother then there would be way fewer stoppages or even slow downs in traffic. I don’t think you should EVER have to slow down unless you’re getting off the highway no matter how many cars are on the road with you.

Stopping On The Highway: Accidents And Such. This one REALLY pisses me off and most of you have done it. Why do you feel the need to slow down to look at accidents? To look at cars pulled over by cops? To look at anything, really? Do you even think about the effect it has on the rest of traffic? Do you? Seriously, do you? How many times I’ve been in stop and go traffic for an hour only to arrive at the scene of an accident. And I mean stop and go. I’m talking I haven’t tipped five miles an hour for sixty minutes because you rubber-necking assholes need to see a wrecker toeing a car away, some cops milling about, possibly an ambulance on the side of the road, and maybe, just maybe a bloody sheet on top of a body. What the fuck is wrong with you people??? If you don’t slow down, you can get home quicker so you can get on the internet and look up really gory pictures of the accident on the internet. REMEMBER THE GOLDEN RULE!!! Think about all the people who do not want to be stuck in traffic. Now don’t get me wrong, we should definitely slow down to the speed limit until we pass the commotion, but that IS ALL. Same goes with passing cops giving tickets. Hell, as far as I’m concerned that’s a free pass to speed. Do you think he’s going to stop in the middle of writing out his fine to jump in his car and chase your ass? Maybe if you’re racing at 150 or above, but otherwise probably not. And there just aren’t that many cops per square mile. If one is stopped somewhere you don’t have to worry as much about another one nearby!

So, what have we learned? If nothing else I hope it’s to be more considerate of others while you drive. If I’ve offended you because you’re one of the culprits in my tirade I hope at the very least you will ask yourself if maybe, just maybe, I’m right and you may think about changing your ways.

To me though, the saddest part is this. No one will change. Not because he or she doesn’t believe that everything I’ve written is accurate and SHOULD be the way to drive, it’s because we know that no one else will change, so why should I? And to be honest, that’s one of the main reasons why the human race in it’s entirety is so fucked up. Why should I do things right is no one else does?

Hmmm. If everyone constantly thinks about being considerate to everyone else the roads would be a pleasure to drive on.

Change “being considerate” to “loving” and “roads” and “drive” to “world” and “live” and I might just sound like someone else whose message has been irrevocably lost.

I quote John Lennon, “The way things are going, they’re gonna crucify me!”


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