First 1/3 Of Untitled Comedy

INT. CAVE

This is an Indiana Jones’ type cave; dark and creepy. JULES
BLIX, (mid 20’s blonde who’s hot in a quirky sort of way)
dressed as a 40’s adventurer and her INDIAN GUIDE (dark,
muscular, handsome man) dressed in turban and loincloth are
carefully exploring. They both hold TORCHES.

Jules illuminates a series of tiny statuettes with her flame.

JULES
What are these?

INDIAN GUIDE
Traps. Don’t touch them.

JULES
How do they work?

INDIAN GUIDE
If you try to lift one, poison
spikes will shoot at you from out
of nowhere.

He shines his light on DEAD BODIES that lie nearby to prove
his point.

INDIAN GUIDE
To deter thieves.

JULES
Poison, you say? The secret ginju
poison? The only known substance
that can kill the great and evil
Kaliram?

INDIAN GUIDE
I suppose so, but...

Jules begins grabbing dead bodies and leaning them against
her, effectively creating a shield.

INDIAN GUIDE
What are you doing?

Suddenly, in quick succession she grabs three statues in a
row. A dozen poison darts shoot out from various angles; all
striking the corpses.

The Indian Guide leaps back and makes the sign of warding off
evil spirits at her.

Jules has already dropped the bodies and has retrieved
SUPPLIES from her PACK.

CLOSE UP - ON A DART

There is a viscous green fluidy gunk on the shaft. With a
SWAB and TONGS Jules is filling a small receptacle with GINJU
POISON.

JULES
It seems the great and evil Kaliram
was generous enough to supply us
with a method to kill him after all.

INDIAN GUIDE
You’re crazy.

JULES
Crazy like a beaver!

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE HUNTER

Kenzie’s in her late 20’s or early 30’s. She’s a cute blonde
who, if you squinted at her while looking through a strobe
light in an otherwise dark room would look strikingly similar
to Jules Blix.

KENZIE
(softly, to herself)
Crazy like a beaver!

INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS

Jules stands and puts the collected poison in her pack.

JULES
Can you find the Kaliram in this
ridiculous maze?

INDIAN GUIDE
I think so.

JULES
Then let’s go Gunga Din. It’s
payback time!

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE

KENZIE
(softly to herself)
It’s payback time!

Reveal: We are actually in Kenzie’s living room and she’s
enrapt in the Jules Blix film on the TV. She would be in
heaven if it weren’t for the fact that her date TODD LIPSCOMB
was at DEFCON 5 doing some serious necking while attempting
unsuccessfully to remove her bra.

KENZIE
Oh! Great idea!

TODD
What? What was that?

Kenzie realizes for the first time in a bit that she’s not
alone.

KENZIE
Hey Todd, this has been a wonderful
first date, but I just remembered
that I have to go to work now.

Todd leans back, shocked.

TODD
At midnight?

KENZIE
Yeah.

TODD
Stella said you were cool.

KENZIE
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

TODD
Look Kenzie, I spent almost twenty
dollars on dinner. I think that
should get me some quality time
with you.

He dives back in at her neck and bra.

Kenzie can only roll her eyes. She waits a moment
impatiently and then reaches a decision.

She pushes him off, but before he can object she GOES DOWN ON
HIM.

TODD
Oh ok. (Pause) WOW! I’ve never
felt anything like that! Holy shit
you’re amazing. (Pause... heavy
breathing) No wait... If you keep
that up I’m gonna... I’m gonna...
I’m gonna--

CUT TO:

EXT. KENZIE’S FRONT DOOR

Todd is on the outside. Kenzie is inside.

KENZIE
Come again.

She tosses him his jacket and keys.

TODD
I’d love to! And maybe next time I
could do it in your--

SLAM goes the door!

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Office is probably overstating it a bit. Kenzie’s bedroom
closet (not a walk-in, but a regular closet) has been
converted to a workspace complete with PC and all the
accoutrements.

Her Keyboard and mouse are on a tray table.
On the monitor, obvious by its unique format is a SCREENPLAY.
In the background Kenzie is gargling. She spits, rinses,
wipes, and comes to her makeshift desk to sit. She cracks
her knuckles and begins typing up a storm.

CUT TO:

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - MORNING

Kenzie is still seated, slumped over, cradling her keyboard
like a pillow. The monitor shows a bunch of gobblygook that
her cheeks typed while she slept.

KENZIE
Oh man.

She starts a rapid fire of the back space button until she
notices the time. She’s late for work!

KENZIE
Shit!

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - LATER

This is an upscale boutique in BEVERLY HILLS.

Kenzie pins on her name tag while sneaking to her station in
KEEPSAKES.

STELLA (Kenzie’s best friend whose only interest in life is
finding a husband before menopause), who works in FINE
CRYSTAL strolls by.

STELLA
Kenzie’s late again.

KENZIE
Kenzie overslept. Did Mr. Pinkston notice?

STELLA
Oh yes. But Kenzies’ wonderful
friend Stella covered for her yet again.

KENZIE
As per usual, Kenzie owes her
wonderful friend Stella. Anything
I should know if Mr. Pinkston asks?

STELLA
Yes. It’s that time of the month again.

KENZIE
It’s always that time of the month.

STELLA
Don’t I know it. So Todd said you
guys had quite the eventful date
last night.

KENZIE
Todd’s a dick. He took me to
Quizno’s for dinner.

STELLA
He said you were all over him.

KENZIE
Hardly. He forced my hand.

STELLA
I heard it was your mouth, not your
hand and there was no forcing
necessary.

KENZIE
He wouldn’t leave and I wanted to
get back to my script.

STELLA
You and your script. If I could
give head like you I’d use it to
get men to stay, not to get them to leave.

KENZIE
What man do I want to stay?
Someone like Peter?

STELLA
What was wrong with Peter?

KENZIE
He was a douche! I still have no
idea why you accepted his proposal.

STELLA
He got me pregnant.

KENZIE
He wouldn’t have gotten you
pregnant if you hadn’t poked holes
in all his condoms.

STELLA
He might have.

KENZIE
You’re just lucky he ended up
getting 20 to life before it was
too late to get an abortion.

STELLA
(sigh) I suppose so.

An elderly CUSTOMER approaches Kenzie.

CUSTOMER
Excuse me Miss? Can I get some help?

KENZIE
Of course. What can I do for you?

The customer points to an expensive, one of a kind, beautiful
CANDLESTICK HOLDER in a locked case.

CUSTOMER
I’d like to see that candle stick
holder. I think it might be
perfect for my daughter-in-law.

KENZIE
What? This one? Oh, you don’t
want that one.

CUSTOMER
Why not? It’s a Fulston original.
It’s gorgeous.

KENZIE
No, no, no. (whispering) It’s fake.

CUSTOMER
What?

KENZIE
Yeah. It’s not even a good copy.
Don’t tell anyone, but we have a
whole case of them in the back.
Let me show you something over here
that I’m sure your daughter-in-law
will love.

She leads the customer away.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

It’s her lunch break so Kenzie is eating while she drives her
HYUNDAI. The radio is on. As the current song ends:

RADIO DJ
And tonight Brit rocker Langdon
Spritzer will be performing before
a sold out crowd. So to get you
all started, here’s his newest
megahit... Wash my socks and do me!

An incredibly tasteless, tuneless, power chord laden song
begins. Kenzie switches the radio off.

KENZIE
How did that no talent idiot get so
famous and I can’t get a script sold?

Kenzie parks on the street and as she’s paying the meter a
bus pulls directly in front of her forcing her to view the
huge picture on its side. It’s LANGDON SPRITZER’S new album
cover entitled GROWL. Naturally it’s a picture of Spritzer
in the midst of a ridiculous growl.

Underneath reads: Includes new hit “Wash My Socks And Do Me!”

KENZIE
Jesus...

INT. IVAN’S OFFICE

IVAN is a big, fat, smarmy Russian who is also Kenzie’s
LITERARY AGENT.

IVAN
Ah Kenzie! How is my favorite
screenwriter?

KENZIE
Ah Ivan. How is my favorite
completely useless agent?

IVAN
Useless? I’m out there every day
slugging away just for you.

KENZIE
Well, maybe you should think about
taking people out to lunch instead
of punching them. It might help
you sell a script.

IVAN
Lunches cost money. You paying for
them with boutique job?

KENZIE
I can’t even pay my rent with my
boutique job. That’s why I need
you to sell my screenplays.

IVAN
Ya, ya, ya. How is new script coming?

KENZIE
Good. I had a great idea and was
writing all last night. But what
about the old script? The one I
finished months ago that you’ve
done nothing with?

IVAN
Nothing? I show it all over town.
No actress wants to play role.
They all turn it down.

KENZIE
That’s because you’re showing it to
the wrong actresses.

IVAN
I just heard back from actress from
Twilight.

KENZIE
What did she say?

IVAN
She said no.

KENZIE
Good! Because if she’d have said
yes I would have stuck a gun up my
vagina and pulled the trigger! I
don’t want the girl from Twilight
in my movie. The Naked Corpse is a
Jules Blix movie. I wrote it for
Jules Blix and only Jules Blix can
play the lead. She’s perfect. No
one else is right for the part, so
of course these other actresses are
turning it down.

IVAN
Jules Blix! Jules Blix! Jules
Blix is big star. How you expect
me to get her script?

KENZIE
You got it to the girl from Twilight.

Ivan grunts.

KENZIE
You’re an agent. You’re supposed
to have connections. Why do you
think I signed with you?

IVAN
Because no one else in the city
would represent you. Look, Kenzie,
go home. Finish new script. Let
me worry about Naked Corpse. I
have cousin whose girlfriends
mother has manicurist whose
astrologist does reading for Jules
Blix’s mother. I’ve been working
connection for little while. But,
don’t hold breath.

KENZIE
Manicurist... Girlfriend... What?

IVAN
Go home. Type, type, type. I call
when I have news.

INT. KENZIE’S APARTMENT HALLWAY - LATER

Kenzie is clomping dejectedly down the hallway. As she
passes her neighbor MARK’s door it opens and a guy who looks
like the dad from Father Knows Best leans out.

MARK
Kenzie... How are you today?

KENZIE
Fine Mark. Just frustrated by my
agent again. How are you?

MARK
Fine... Are you sure you’ve no
other problems?

He inclines his head toward her door where there’s a PINK
NOTICE taped. Kenzie yanks it off.

KENZIE
Sonofabitch! My paycheck must not
have cleared in time.

MARK
Anything I can help with?

KENZIE
No, no. I’m sure it’s cleared by
now. I’ll just have to write
another rent check and pay the
bouncing fee... And the late
charge... Oh man.

MARK
If you change your mind don’t be
afraid to ask. I can help. It
would just be a loan. I know
you’re good for it.

KENZIE
No help needed, but thanks. Unless
you can find me a husband.

MARK
As you know, I’ve already been
married and divorced and the sort
of men I’m interested in these days
aren’t the marrying type if you
know what I mean. But, I’ll keep
an eye out for you.

KENZIE
Thanks.

Mark’s door has closed during the chat and when he tries to
open it, it’s stuck.

MARK
Damned door keeps sticking.

He jerks it open.

MARK
Thanks god. Last time I had to get
the maintenance man to get it open.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kenzie plays her answering machine messages as she strolls
about her place unwinding.

Message #1:

PHIL
Hi Kenzie. It’s Phil... Phil
Shazinsky... From high school...
Again... Um... I’ve called a few
times... Look, I’ll say it again, I have not
been able to get you out of my head
for the last 15 years! Please...
Call me.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL BLEACHERS - FLASH BACK

As the message plays a much younger Kenzie is making out with
a young Phil on the bleachers. After a moment she goes down
on him.

CLOSE UP - PHIL’S FACE

Phil’s face contorts in extreme pleasure.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT - FLASH BACK

Oafish RALPH talks on and on and on at his car as Kenzie,
bored out of her mind listens while wracking her brain for a
method of escape. She tries to open the car door, but Ralph
casually leans on it, still talking.

Finally, Kenzie looks around and drops to her knees.

Ralph goes ramrod straight as if he’s been struck by
lightening. His eyes go wide.

As this little scene plays out in pantomime Message #2:

RALPH
Hey, it’s Ralph. Remember me?
Stella’s friend? We went out last
month. I don’t know why you won’t
call me back. We had such a great
time talking that night and then
you... Well, we obviously had some
chemistry if you know what I mean.
I’d love to do that again. So call me.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - FLASH BACK

RICHARD is sprawled out, spent in sheer bliss on a big comfy
chair as Kenzie rises up from between his legs with a DIAMOND
RING in her hand, NODDING “YES”.

Message #3:

RICHARD
Kenzie. It’s Richard... Look, I
know you turned me down when I
proposed to you that time... I
mean when you eventually found out
I was already married...

INT. RICHARDS HOUSE - FLASH BACK

Richard, his wife and three young children are eating dinner
as Kenzie bursts in. She throws the ring at Richard and
stalks out. Richards wife is not happy.

Message #3 (continued):

RICHARD
But, I’m single now and that
marriage proposal still stands...
I really, really want to see you
again. Call me.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM

Message #4:

JOE
Kenzie baby! It’s Joe-

Kenzie, now dressed in a comfy robe stops the machine. She
notices there are 12 more messages.

KENZIE
I get it! I give a great blowjob!
Christ people!

She presses delete over and over until the machine is clear.

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER

Kenzie sits before her work, glancing at her surroundings for
inspiration.

On the wall of the inside of her closet are various posters
of Jules Blix movies. Each has her with a wicked smile and a
handsome guy.

After a moment she starts typing.

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER

Kenzie is still working. She has a bowl of cereal that she’s
crunching away on.

The phone rings and Kenzie answers while continuing to type
with her free hand.

KENZIE
I’m working on my screenplay, Stella.

STELLA
Did I ever introduce you to my
cousin Rob?

KENZIE
Short and prematurely bald with a
lousy comb over?

STELLA
He’s gonna be in town next week.
You two should go out.

KENZIE
Um... He short and prematurely
bald with a lousy comb over.

STELLA
If you only look for the bad in
people you’ll never see any of the
good. Rob’s a really nice guy,
Kenzie. You know, one day you need
to realize that there are no men
like the ones you make up in your
little movie scripts. Come back to
the real world.

KENZIE
One day... I gotta go Stella, I’m
right in the middle of a pivotal scene.

She hangs up and looks back toward the pictures of Jules Blix
who is still all smiles with various gorgeous guys.

And she’s sad.

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - NEXT DAY

Kenzie has the same sad and wistful expression on her face as
she watches a couple shop. Neither is perfect in any way,
but they seem genuinely happy and in love with each other.
As she turns her head, standing directly before her is
LANGDON SPRITZER. He is every inch the Rock God. He’s
wearing dark shades and staring silently at her.

She recognizes him, but looks back blankly.

He continues to stares until it’s uncomfortable.

KENZIE
Can I help you?

Langdon stares a bit longer and then makes a ridiculous
growling noise.

KENZIE
Are you having some kind of seizure?

LANGDON
It’s my signature growl... It’s
famous... I’m Langdon Spritzer...
The rock star... I’m very famous.

KENZIE
(shrugs) Sorry.

LANGDON
That’s actually very refreshing.

KENZIE
Can I help you?

LANGDON
Yeah. I got me a first date
tonight and I wanna get her
something that makes me look
thoughtful and charming. You know,
something that’ll get me in her
knickers.

KENZIE
Ah. Well, I imagine you’re going
to ply her with alcohol?

LANGDON
Hell yeah.

KENZIE
Then you might want to try this.

She leads him to a very stylized whiskey flask.

KENZIE
And fill it with the poison of your
choice. You can even get it
engraved. Something tasteful like,
“Wash my socks and do me”.

LANGDON
Ha! See! You have heard of me and
you didn’t even know it! That’s my
song. I sing it.

KENZIE
Really. Wow. What a coincidence.

LANGDON
You know, I wrote it too.

KENZIE
Oh yeah? So, what about that flask.

LANGDON
I love it! I’ll take 50.

KENZIE
Fifty?!?

LANGDON
Yeah. Oh, not for the girl. I
think I might mail them out as
like, Christmas cards or some such.
No, for the girl I was thinking of
something a little more subtle
(mispronounced).

KENZIE
Sub-tell?

LANGDON
Yeah.

KENZIE
Well, we don’t sell condoms here.

LANGDON
That’s ok I don’t use them. I make
girls I sleep with sign a waiver.
(pause) Hey, what about that?

He points to the Fulston Candle Stick Holder.

KENZIE
No. No, I doubt she would
appreciate that.

LANGDON
Five thousand dollars for a candle
stick holder; she’d better
appreciate it.

KENZIE
Maybe if you’re dating Jules Blix.

LANGDON
Jules Blix?

KENZIE
Jules Blix. She’s an actress.
She’s very famous... Never mind.

LANGDON
Why is it good for her?

Kenzie isn’t sure she wants to tell this story, but then she
confides:

KENZIE
A few months ago Jules Blix came
in. I was helping her and we
became really friendly and...
Anyway, she totally fell in love
with that candle stick holder. She
was gonna buy it but she forgot her
wallet and said she’d come back for
it. So, I’m sort of unofficially
holding it for her.

LANGDON
I’ll take it.

KENZIE
No. Didn’t you hear what I just
said? I’m holding it for Jules Blix.

LANGDON
Unofficially... And after a few
months I highly doubt she’s coming back.

KENZIE
I don’t care what you doubt you
pompous asshole.

LANGDON
Ooooh. Spunky.

KENZIE
Ooooh. Slimy.

LANGDON
I think you’re just my type.

KENZIE
I think you’re just an idiot.

Kenzie’s officious boss Mr. PINKSTON walks over.

MR. PINKSTON
And what’s going on here?

KENZIE
Nothing Mr. Pinkston.

LANGDON
Nothing? This very beautiful and
very modest sales clerk of yours
just sold me that five thousand
dollar candle stick holder. I’d
say that’s something alright.
Quite a feather in her cap, in fact.

MR. PINKSTON
I’m so glad Miss Hunter was able to
help you. Ah, the Fulston
original. Excellent choice.
Kenzie, why don’t you wrap that
for Mr. Spritzer and I’ll ring him up.

LANGDON
You know who I am?

MR. PINKSTON
Of course, Mr. Spritzer. I’m a big fan.

LANGDON
Please, call me Langdon.

Livid, Kenzie grabs the piece from the case and takes it to

INT. STOREROOM - CONTINUOUS

Angrily, she gets material to box and wrap it. She notices a
very vulgar African Statuette with a huge PHALLUS that is
about the same size as the candlestick holder and gets a
wicked idea.

This new piece gets wrapped up and the Fulston is hidden away
on a back shelf.

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - MOMENTS LATER

Kenzie puts the wrapped package on the counter.

KENZIE
Here you go.

Langdon hands her a slip of paper.

LANGDON
And here you go.

KENZIE
What’s this?

LANGDON
That’s my personal cell phone
number. I have a concert tonight
and then I’m going out with candle
stick girl. But maybe we can go
out tomorrow. Call me. Eh, not
too early, you know. I’ll need
time to get rid of candle stick
girl and ah, maybe grab a shower.

KENZIE
You’re scum.

LANGDON
You’re so cute.

He grabs the package and waggles his hand by his head in the
international sign for ‘call me’ and exits.

KENZIE
What an ass.

She flicks the paper with his number in the garbage.

Stella shuffles over from Fine Crystal

STELLA
Wasn’t that Langdon Spritzer?

KENZIE
I guess.

STELLA
He’s so cute... And you know what
the women call him, right?

KENZIE
No.

STELLA
Instead of Langdon, it’s Long Dong.

KENZIE
Why? Is he Chinese?

STELLA
Huh?

Kenzie’s cell rings. It’s Ivan.

KENZIE
It’s my agent. Cover for me for a
sec, ok? Hello?

A jumble of excited Russian comes out of the ear piece.

KENZIE
What? Ivan? Calm down. I can’t
understand you. Speak English.

IVAN
Astrologist! Astrologist! (more
Russian)

KENZIE
What? Ivan. What’s the matter?

IVAN
Naked Corpse! I got Jules Blix to
read Naked Corpse!

KENZIE
What? Oh my god!

IVAN
(Russian, Russian) She loved it!
She wants her personal production
company to option it so it can be
her next movie! She offered one
million dollars!

KENZIE
Are you sure?

IVAN
I talk to her myself. Paperwork
will be here first thing in
morning. (Russian, Russian)
Remember, 15% off top for agent!
(laughing) 15%! (more laughing)
Happy days are here! I call when I
need you sign papers! (laughing)

He hangs up.

STELLA
What’s the matter?

KENZIE
I sold my script! I sold my script
for a million dollars!

The two women scream, jump up and down, and hug.

KENZIE
Oh my god. Cover for me. I’ve
gotta get out of here.

STELLA
Screw that. I’m coming with you.
Let’s party!

INSERT MONTAGE OF INCREDIBLY WILD AND FUNNY PARTYING IN
TIJUANA

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Kenzie’s place looks even worse then the hotel room in The
Hangover after the drugs wore off (perhaps minus the
chicken). Kenzie, lying half on and half off the couch,
wakes up just in time to fall to the floor.

She gets up and staggers to her

INT. KENZIE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Past the gorgeous, COMPLETELY NAKED MAN sitting on her bed,
and over to the toilet where she relieves herself.

When she’s done she staggers back toward the living room when
she finally notices the man, RUDOLPHO and his HUGE PENIS.

KENZIE
Ah! Hi.

RUDOLPHO
Hello. Hey, thanks again for last night.

KENZIE
Oh, it was... It was... My pleasure.

RUDOLPHO
Sorry if I was annoying. I can get
a little loud. You weren’t
uncomfortable, were you?

KENZIE
(Staring at his dick)
Uncomfortable? Um. Not that I remember.

There’s a knock at the front door.

KENZIE
Um, I have to... Uh...

She bolts for the door and answers it. It’s her neighbor
Mark.

MARK
They finally got the door unstuck.
The landlord said it shouldn’t
happen again, but I’m not holding
my breath.

KENZIE
Who cares. I have problems.
There’s a gorgeous naked man in my
bedroom with a HUGE... Thing.

MARK
By thing, I’m guessing you’re
talking about a penis?

KENZIE
Yes!

MARK
Obviously, you mean Rudolpho.

KENZIE
Rudolpho?

MARK
Wow, you were more drunk last night
then I thought. I picked up
Rudolpho at a club and when we got
back here you were sprawled half
naked, asleep in your open doorway,
snoring, with your hand still on
the doorknob. My damned door got
stuck again and you graciously
offered us your bed for out carnal
delight. I’d apologize for keeping
you up all night, but it’s clear
that we didn’t.

KENZIE
Oh, I’m not sure if I’m relieved or
disappointed.

They’ve made their way into the living room where Rudolpho
has now joined them, still naked as a jay.

He kisses Mark good morning.

MARK
Why don’t you cover yourself up
before you hurt someone with that thing.

RUDOLPHO
K.

KENZIE
(Quickly) No, it’s ok, you don’t
have to cover up on my account.

Too late. He’s gone.

KENZIE
Oh, my head. I need some aspirin.

MARK
Might wanna check your answering
machine. Your phone was ringing
off the hook all night.

KENZIE
Probably just a bunch of jerks from
Tijuana who want to propose.

She glances at the machine after downing some drugs. There
are 158 messages.

KENZIE
Holy shit! What did I do last night?

She presses play.

IVAN
(message #1) Kenzie? You hear
news? Call me immediately.

IVAN
(message #2) Kenzie, is Ivan.
Where are you? Call me back.

IVAN
(message #3) Kenzie? I hope you
not do anything stupid. Is Ivan.
Call me when you get this.

KENZIE
Uh-oh.

IVAN
(message #4) Is Ivan again. Call
me.

Kenzie stops the player and dials Ivan.

KENZIE
Ivan. It’s Kenzie. What... What?... WHAT?

CUT TO:

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Kenzie, Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are lounging. Stella is
reading from a laptop while everyone else has a newspaper or
magazine.

There are a stack of them scattered on the floor all with
photos of Jules Blix and Langdon Spritzer.

STELLA
(Reading) After a twenty-four hour
whirlwind romance superstar actress
Jules Blix and rock icon Langdon
Spritzer have announced their
engagement. Said Blix, “Langdon
gave me this amazing African statue
on our first date and I knew I was
completely smitten”. Awww.

KENZIE
I do not believe that... But why
quit acting.

MARK
(Reading) Blix and Spritzer have
decided that she will give up her
successful career in film to become
a housewife and raise little
Jules’s and Langdon’s to the dismay
of many production companies that
she’d signed deals with.

KENZIE
And one poor screenwriter that she
didn’t quite yet. I think I’m
gonna be sick. Well, at least I
still have my job at the boutique.

STELLA
Um... You don’t remember telling
Mr. Pinkston he could shove his job
up his wife’s fat ass and then suck
it out with a straw?

KENZIE
Please tell me you’re kidding...
Why didn’t you stop me? You’re
supposed to be my best friend.

STELLA
At the time I thought you were a
millionaire. It was all I could do
not to cheer you on. I mean, I
didn’t want to loose my job too.

KENZIE
Oh, God. Mark, remember when you
offered me that loan?

MARK
Yeah. But, that was when I knew
you were good for it. Now you’re
unemployed and a bad credit risk.

KENZIE
Christ. What am I gonna do?

The phone rings.

STELLA
Want me to get that?

KENZIE
Let the machine get it.

Message:

TODD
Hi Kenzie. It’s Todd. We went out
a few nights ago. I would really,
really like to see you again. Give
me a call and let’s set something up.

MARK
Well there you go. The answer to
your problems. That boy sounds
like he’s ready to propose over the
phone. Get married real quick and
then divorce him and take all his money.

STELLA
He doesn’t have any money or I
would have already married him
myself instead of fixing him up
with Kenzie.

KENZIE
And he’s a jerk. I had to give him
a sympathy blowjob just to get him
to leave.

RUDOLPHO
Wouldn’t it be nice if giving
blowjobs could make all our
troubles go away.

After a moment to ponder this thought:

STELLA
Actually, maybe it could.

KENZIE
What, you think I should become a prostitute?

STELLA
No. Although you’d probably do
well... No, I meant it’s too bad
you couldn’t just give Langdon
Spritzer a Kenzie special. He’d
dump Jules Blix. She’d go back to
acting and you’d get your script sold.

KENZIE
That’s awful. (Hold up photo of
Blix) Look at how happy she is.
Even though Spritzer is a scumbag,
I really like Jules. I wouldn’t
want to see her hurt.

STELLA
Oh, come on Kenzie. She might be
happy now, but you really think
he’s right for her? He’s already
made her give up her career. He’s
gonna keep her barefoot and
pregnant and while she’s all fat
and unhappy he’ll be off screwing
groupies while he’s on tour. You
said it yourself; he sleeps with so
many girls he makes them sign
waivers. You think that’s gonna change?

KENZIE
Probably not. But, I can’t...
He’s so slimy.

STELLA
Excuse me, Miss ‘I’ll blow a corpse
if it’ll save me three dollars at
Macy’s’. You wouldn’t suffer for
two minutes to sell your script for
a million bucks?

Kenzie is just about sold on the idea.

MARK
You’re not serious about this are
you? It’s a ridiculous idea.

STELLA
Why?

MARK
First, how could Kenzie get close
enough to even attempt it?

STELLA
You’ve got a point there.

KENZIE
He gave me his private cell number.

STELLA & MARK
What???

KENZIE
At the boutique. I threw it away,
but I imagine it’s still there.

MARK
Ok, but really... Really. As much
as guys love blowjobs, I highly
doubt you’re so orally talented
that two minutes with you could
make him dump Jules Blix.

KENZIE
I might have to dispute you on that one.

RUDOLPHO
Oh please. Every girl thinks she
gives the best head in the world,
but the truth is that no girl even
holds a candle to the least
talented guy. I mean how can a
girl, who obviously doesn’t have a
penis, fully understand how to
pleasure one as well as a man who’s
had one every day of his life?

MARK
That has been my experience too.

KENZIE
What do you want me to do? Prove
it by blowing you?

MARK
I am a connoisseur of receiving
fellatio, but I could never... I
mean I feel like your father...

STELLA
What would you do? Close your eyes
and pretend she’s a man?

MARK
Worked for twenty years with my
wife. But, really Kenzie, I’m
starting to feel uncomfortable even
talking about this.

She has already grabbed his hand and is pulling him
grudgingly off the couch and leading him to the bedroom.

KENZIE
Come on Kimo Sabi. It’ll be over
before you know it.

MARK
Kenzie, really... I can’t...
Really, no...

The bedroom door closes.

RUDOLPHO
No offense to your friend, but
after last night I doubt Mark will
even be able to get it up.

Stella continues reading on her laptop.

Rudolpho grabs a magazine and opens it.

A moment passes.

The bedroom door flies open and Mark storms out zipping up
his pants.

MARK
Come on. I’ll drive.

RUDOLPHO
Where are we going.

MARK
To the boutique to find that number.

Stella jumps up and Kenzie comes out of the bedroom wiping
her mouth.

MARK
And Rudolpho, maybe you could chat
with Kenzie some time and get some
pointers.

EXT. DUMPSTER BEHIND THE BOUTIQUE - LATER

Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are digging through garbage cans
beside the dumpster when Kenzie pops up from inside of it
waving a scrap of paper.

KENZIE
Got it!

INT. CAR - LATER

Kenzie is dialing Langdon on her cell.

KENZIE
Hello, is Langdon Spritzer there?
Who is this? It’s Ke-

She quickly hangs up.

STELLA
Was it him? What happened?

KENZIE
I almost told him my name.

STELLA
You’re not gonna tell him your name?

KENZIE
If Langdon Spritzer knows my name,
then Jules Blix will know my name.
And if Jules Blix knows that Kenzie
Hunter stole her fiance I doubt
Jules Blix will want to purchase
Kenzie Hunter’s script for a
million dollars.

STELLA
You have a point there.

MARK
Didn’t he see your name tag at the
boutique.

KENZIE
Hopefully he won’t remember.

RUDOLPHO
You know, Jules Blix should never
see you at all until Spritzer is
completely out of the picture.

KENZIE
Yes.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

KENZIE
Ok. I need to plan this out. From
a fake name and background to some
dialogue to act out on the phone.
It’s just like writing a script. I
can do this. I just need a little time.

MARK
Well, don’t take too much time.
Look at this.

He tosses her a newspaper.

KENZIE
(Reading) The US leg of Spritzers’
tour finished on Sunday night in
Los Angeles, the same night as his
first date with Blix that ended in
a marriage proposal... So?

MARK
Keep reading.

KENZIE
What? Blah, blah, blah... And
then... Wait... The wedding has
been planned for Saturday after
which Blix will be joining Spritzer
on the next leg of his
international tour beginning in
Australia on Sunday... Australia
on Sunday??? That give me four days!

Stella hands over her cell phone. Kenzie dials again.

KENZIE
Hi, is this Langdon Spritzer?
Ah... Me? I’m... (Cue on laptop)
Dell... Della... (Cue on water
bottle) Nestle... Yep, Della
Nestle. Uh-huh, like the candy
bar. Um, don’t you remember me? I
sold you that African statue at the
Chic Boutique the other day... Uh,
yeah, I heard... Well, you’re
welcome... Yes...
Congratulations... But, I was
thinking that since you’re going to
be married soon... Um, very
soon... That... Ah... You might
wanna have one last little fling
before you tie the knot.... You
and Jules have discussed it? She’s
ok with that?... You’re what?...
Accepting applications?... You
prefer multiple women?... At least
three?... Do I have... Well, um,
I could get a few friends... I
suppose... No, I don’t mind
signing a waiver... Call back when
I’m ready?... Slots are going
fast?... Well, alright... I...
Hello? Hello? (Pause) I might
need to rethink this.

A New Way

You told me yesterday that my love is not sufficient
Cause I didn't say those words you want enough
I swore up and down it's not the phrase that proves my deep commitment
But you simply left and said, "I call your bluff"













Now, I'm romantic and creative, I think this is understood
And I don't give up too easy when I can't succeed
And often times my scheming mind will lead me to no good
But for this task it's exactly what I need

(Chorus)
I'll find a new way to say that I love you
I get tired of repeating the same old line
So I'll tell you through my action
I'll be adding by subtraction
And the things I do are sure to make you mine

I followed you and stole your car when you were at the store
And filled it full of chocolates hood to tail
I parked it so you'd see the moment you walked out the door
Before the candy melted and I ended up in jail

I write you poems and leave you notes in lip stick on the glass
And I clean the house before you get home from work
And I've lately found that leaving the room on days that I have gas
Has made you think me far less of a jerk

Yes, it's a new way to say that I love you
I get tired of repeating the same old line
So I'll tell you through my action
I'll be adding by subtraction
And the things I do are sure to make you mine

I tape your favorite shows when you're not at home to see them
And I make you music mixes for your daily commute
I've stopped complaining when you make me have dinner with your folks
And sometimes I even give you the remote

I've been taking the time to work out and be healthy
Cause I know you like me svelt instead of stout
And I've even started saving cash though I know I'll never be wealthy
But it'll help me get that ring that I've picked out

Yes, it's a new way to say that I love you
I get tired of repeating the same old line
So I'll tell you through my action
I'll be adding by subtraction
And the things I do are sure to keep you mine






















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The Cemetery - Part 3

Genie was incredulous on the phone later that night.

“You practically threw yourself at him. He just wants to get in your panties.”

“I’m telling you, it wasn’t like that at all.” Kristen was snuggling down to sleep, but she had to tell Genie all about her chance encounter with Joe. “He was sweet and so cute.”

“The cute ones always have girls falling all over them. The way you described it, it seemed like that was what he was expecting from you.”

“Well, you can see why he might have and it was kinda awkward the way I asked him to coffee.”

That was when the call waiting clicked in. Kristen peered at the caller ID box on the night stand beside the phone. She didn’t recognize the number and felt creeping annoyance at being bothered so late by a stranger.

But it was Joe. It took her a moment to register who he was, but when she did she was veritably choking down her excitement. When she told him she had to get rid of a friend on the other line he apologized and offered to call back at a more opportune time, but Kristen refused to let him go.

After some awkwardness, an elongated second batch of hello’s, and Joe explaining that he had only called to chat the two settled into easy conversation very different to their earlier meeting. It was as if he had reached some sort of conclusion about her. Whatever it was, Kristen liked it.

Despite his tight lips that afternoon it was clear Joe liked to talk. And talk he did on a score of subjects, all the while deftly keeping Kristen involved by asking her opinions on everything and gently prodding her to choose topics to discuss.

She learned quite a lot about who Joe was and all of it was marvelous. Kristen wasn’t exactly sure where it happened, but after a while she found she was doing most of the talking as he displayed excellent listening abilities.

Laughter was abundant when stories of friends and family were told and there were a few intense moments as politics and religion came into the exchange, but things never got strained nor were there any uncomfortable pauses. It was as if two friends who had known each other for a lifetime were catching up after an absence.

The next thing they knew it was pushing two in the morning and both noticed this fact at the same exact moment.

“Whoa, did you see the time?” said Joe at the precise moment Kristen said, “Jeez, it’s two o’clock!”

They decided to call it quits for the night, promising to talk more soon. Kristen hung up and lay back down on the pillow that might as well have been a cloud supporting her head. She smiled broadly and regardless of the time and her physical exhaustion had a difficult time getting back to sleep thinking only of speaking with Joe again.

And speak again they would. Joe called right about the same time every night for the next seven days straight. Kristen found herself waiting for his calls each evening; salivating like Pavlov’s dogs. If by chance the voice on the other end of the receiver turned out to be her mother, Genie, or Phil, her gay friend from across the street her disappointment would be palpable. She would rush to clear the line so it would be free for Joe. And if she was bothered by call-waiting during her chats with him, she would comment that, ‘if it was really important whoever it was would call back tomorrow’ and would usually ad, ‘people know not to phone me this late anyway” as they waited for whomever it was to hang up.

Despite all these hours of conversation, Kristen was still never able to get around to asking him about the time he spent in the cemetery, nor confess she had watched him there. What they mostly spoke about was what happened to each of them during their respective day. Joe, it turned out was an unemployed actor; very very common in Los Angeles. Though ‘between jobs’ as he put it, he wasn’t as poorly off as some of Kristen’s other friends and acquaintances who were in the same profession. Invariably they would chat for a while on what had been eaten for lunch and dinner, or even breakfast if it were a particularly fine one. Both of them enjoyed cooking and more especially eating and a score of times each offered to prepare a favored dish for the other.

Tonight’s conversation began a bit differently, though. Joe was a little strained and stumbling. It didn’t take long for Kristen to find out why.

“I’ll bet you’ve already made plans to see “The Longing Heart” with that friend of yours, Jennie?”

“Genie”, she corrected, “Yeah, we’re set for opening night this Friday. Hey would you like to come with us? I’ve told Genie all about you and she’s dying to meet you.”

“Well, I…”

Kristen could imagine that last thing Joe might want was to see a chick flick with two crazy girls who would be sobbing all the way through it.

“Actually, I kinda scored tickets to the premiere on Wednesday and thought maybe you’d like to go. “ He was clearly disappointed, “But if you already have plans…”

“The premiere! Wednesday? You mean like tomorrow?” Kristen had been praying for Joe to get around to asking her out for the better part of the week they’d been chatting. She’d dropped a few subtle hints with no success. But could she really stand up her best friend who’s been dying to see this movie since she found out it had been made months ago. “Hell, yeah, I’ll go to the premiere with you!”

The rest of the nights chitchat was more typical. They laughed until two in the morning again the conversation ranging all over, but always returning to discuss their ‘date’ set for Wednesday night.

Kristen considered all sorts of inventive lies to tell Genie, but decided to just not mention anything and go on Friday to see the movie as though for the first time. However, when her friend phoned the next afternoon she confessed in a gush before Genie even had a chance to say hello.

“Are ya mad?” Kristen sat on her bed beside a dozen different outfits she had been deciding between, twirling the phone cord around her finger nervously.

“No, not really. I know how much you like the guy. Hell, you haven’t shut up about him since you met him a week ago.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be”, said Genie, “It’s good to hear you so happy again. I hope things work out.”

“Thanks.” She’d thought it before and knew it was true; Genie was such a good friend.

“But there is one thing,” Uh-oh, that was a catch phase Genie used which always led to sorrow for Kristen. Genie was good at getting favors from people in circumstances just like this. There had been times when Kristen had been forced into some pretty crappy double dates, an all night drive to Vegas, and a few essays she’d written on the fly during their college days because of these situations, but today she felt that no matter what was asked of her it would be worth it. “I do want to go again with you on Friday whether you like the movie or not…”

“Absolutely, definitely…” Kristen kicked out quickly hoping this was all there was.

“And… You can’t ruin it for me at all.”

“I promise.” Kristen was cheerful again and put her attention back on your clothes.

“That’s not the ‘One Thing’”, continued Genie, “It’s that I’ll be cool with you seeing the movie before me as long as you promise to tell Joe about seeing him in the cemetery before we see the movie on Friday.”

Whoa. Harsh. But, it only took a moment to realize that Genie was again only being a good friend and truth be told Kristen really had wanted to tell him already anyway.

“Deal.”

“Good. Then enjoy the show and if ya get lucky tonight, you have to tell me every last detail!”

Kristen stayed off her legs the entire day so they would be strong enough to carry her the entire evening without crutches. She dressed simply, but elegantly beginning her routine well earlier then she normally would so Joe wouldn’t have to wait on her. A dab of perfume. Classic black dress. Pearl earrings. She was ready for a Hollywood escapade.

Joe arrived promptly at seven with a bouquet of multicolored daisies and seemingly couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He made repeated complements almost to the point of making Kristen blush with happiness. She returned them as Joe looked spectacular in his evening clothes.

He opened all the apartment doors for her as well as the car door, bowling her over with chivalry as they left to see the show. Once seated and off, Kristen couldn’t control herself.

“Is this act just for the first date or are you always this sweet?” she asked with a wink.

“I guess you’ll just have to spend some time with me and find out.”

They arrived at the theatre and Joe surprised her by leading her to a back door. He knocked discreetly and waited, flicking Kristen a nervous grin. Momentarily, the door opened and a uniformed usher who couldn’t have been older then nineteen opened it and motioned the couple inside.

“Right this way.” The usher smirked and led them through a back alley that ran the length of all the theatre houses. He opened a door and suddenly they were standing beside the screen before row upon row of stadium seating.

“Thank you sir”, Joe quickly handed the usher a bill of a denomination Kristen wasn’t able to catch. The door closed and Kristen and Joe were alone in the huge room.

“I thought you said you had tickets to this.” She said wryly.

“I do.” Joe shrugged.

“Then why are we sneaking in like we’re performing a bank heist?”

He looked bashful, “Cause, it’s more exciting this way?” he grabbed her hand and they made off down the aisle. “Come on. The doors are gonna open any second.”

And indeed no sooner had they reached their seats then the guests poured inside. It was a very large theatre, perhaps the biggest Kristen had ever been to, but in no time every seat was taken. Joe had brought her to a back corner and sat her against the wall. He sat next to her, turned his back to the crowd and flashed that shudder-inducing smile.

“Well?”

Well? Kristen had to admit this was pretty cool. Though she wasn’t into the whole Hollywood glitz thing she had already noticed a few celebrities over Joes’ shoulder and it was all she could do not to point them out to him in amazement and keep her jaw attached to the rest of her skull.

“This is really awesome, thank you.”

She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. It came as a surprise to both of them, but Joe looked as he might burst from bliss. His grin became wider still and his dimples practically engulfed his cheeks.

“But I need to confess something to you.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” Joe was now glancing about himself, checking out who was in attendance in the audience.

“You remember when I met you at the Laundromat?” Kristen stumbled about, just wanting to tell him, find out about the dead girl in the cemetery, and forget the subject. She really liked Joe and had concluded that his past didn’t mean as much to her as she had thought.

“Of course, what about it?”

“Well, that wasn’t the first time I’d seen you…”

Joe’s face fell completely slack. It turned from the crowd back toward her and she realized that maybe she had made a huge mistake by divulging this info.

“Oh yeah?” was all he could manage. Finally he composed himself and that same distrustful smirk he had worn at the Laundromat returned for the first time since then.

“I’ve wanted to tell you so many times while we spoke on the phone, but it just never seemed like the time was right.” Kristen pressed on. She wasn’t sure why he was so upset and figured it would only get far worse when she told him the circumstances of how she had previously seen him. She couldn’t stop now, so she related the whole story as best she could; covering the cast on her leg, the painkillers, watching him each day out her window, and how it made her feel; how she’d yearned to run down and be with him. Finally she told him of her shocked excitement at meeting him abroad and her sincere desire to hear his story.

For his part Joe listened with amazement as slowly the mistrust left him to be replaced with childlike wonder and even amusement. By the end his smile was sincere again and the sparkle in his eye genuine.

“That’s how you’d seen me before?” He was shaking his head in disbelief.

“Yes,” Kristen lowered her gaze in shame and pushed on through pauses and difficulty, “I’m really sorry I waited this long to tell you, but… I still would like to know about who she was… If it’s not too private…”

Joe took her chin in his hand and raised her eyes to his. She detected no anger whatsoever. In fact, there was something quite the opposite that she wasn’t able to distinguish clearly. He peered into her eyes for a long moment as the crowd about them, which had been quite loud, quieted and the lights dimmed.

“I’ll tell you all about it after the show.”

He released her chin and snuggled down into his seat. Kristen did the same while casting furtive glances sideways toward him. If she thought the film was going to be bad before she couldn’t imagine even paying attention to it now as all her thoughts were on Joe and what he might be thinking about her.

A spot light hit the floor before the screen and the director of the picture they were about to see stood in it receiving applause from the crowd. He gave a short speech of introduction and then took his seat. The spot light died and the curtains before the screen parted. The distinct hum of a projector began and the movie started. There were no previews, not before a premiere.

As the cast went by without Kristen even noticing, she felt Joes hand creeping down her forearm. It reached her hand and held it tenderly. Her heart leapt and she peeked over finding his attention fully on the screen. She relaxed and shifted hers to it also.

That was when, to her complete astonishment she noticed that it was Joe up there on the screen in the film. It didn’t take but a moment to find out that he was playing none other then Kyle’s part in the story. Her gaze whipped from the image to the real Joe beside her. He was staring at her playfully. Then he turned back, squeezed her hand, and said, “Enjoy the show.”

And she did.

It captured all the emotion and intensity of the book in a way Kristen never thought possible. Scenes she had read numerous times and had created in her head played out almost exactly as she had imagined. The actors were perfectly cast, the story wasn’t changed a smidgen, and the scenery was gorgeous. She and Joe laughed at jokes she’d read a hundred times with freshness and misted at all the poignant parts with her head on his shoulder as if she didn’t see them coming. Finally, when Emily died she was glad she’d had the forethought to bring tissues as Kyle’s grave scene played out.

It was only then that she made the connection. The scene was cut between a few different angles and one of them was a high crane shot from in front of Kyle as he faced Emily’s stone. It wasn’t exactly the same position as Kristen was in when she would watch Joe in the cemetery behind her apartment, but it was fairly close.

HE HAD BEEN REHEARSING.

Kyle moved about, read from a poetry book, fell to his knees, and cried just as Joe had all those times this past summer. Kristen was enrapt with the performance. When it ended she felt physically and emotionally exhausted and yet thoroughly exhilarated.

Joe quickly snuck them out before the throng of paparazzi could attack them and they ended up at a diner with burgers and shakes laid out before them.

“You were awesome and that movie was perfect in every way”, Kristen gushed

“You’re sweet”, Joe slurped his chocolate shake as he dabbed a fry in some ketchup. “I hate watching myself on screen. I only see things I wished I’d have done differently.”

“I’m glad you didn’t do anything different. Everything was perfect.”

“I can’t believe you were watching me practice this summer. It’s like…”

“Fate?” Kristen smiled. She liked Joe a lot and had begun wondering if he was feeling the same way.

“Maybe. You’ve no idea what’s it’s been like the last few months with all these people hanging all over me because of this film. When I first met you I figured you were some crazy groupie.”

She chuckled, fully understanding how he would perceive her actions that way.

“But to meet someone that I’ve come to like so much who seemed to be interested in me for me and not because of the Hollywood thing… The whole wondering about my rehearsals excluded… It’s made me pretty happy.”

She couldn’t help but catch onto the words that meant the most to her and repeat them back, “Someone you’ve come to like so much?”

“Well, yeah”, he said bashfully and then added, “And also you’re so god damned hot.”

She shook her head in mock disapproval, “You are just adorable.”

They gazed at each other a moment and then as one leaned in and kissed passionately for the first of what would be many many times in their long joyful lives together.


THE END

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The Cemetery - Part 2

Kristen sat waiting for her clothes to tumble dry. There had been a minor fire in her apartment; no injuries and things were contained pretty quickly and not allowed to spread from where they began in the laundry room. The landlord thought it was a problem with the old wiring in the water heater which was also housed in that spot. The one day it took without water as the unit was replaced wasn’t too much of a problem; the fact that the washers and dryers weren’t to be replaced and functioning for two months was a nuisance more than any real bother. However, it seemed the elevator mechanism was also in that part of the building and would thus not be serviceable for the same amount of time. That was far worse. Even the doctor agreed that her leg was progressing well, but climbing those stairs and more especially tramping up and down them with a full laundry basket was proving to be a royal pain in the butt, or more specifically in the fibula.

This was her third foray to WasherWorld and she liked it less each time. Today she was attempting to manage for the first time without her crutches and so far so good, but it just made her a little more aggravated with the situation. The only consolation was that it gave her time to finally finish reading her book while she waited. There was one more wash day scheduled before she and Genie planned to see the film on opening night. The book would be as fresh in her mind as the clothes would be on her body as she suffered through what she was sure to be the worst adaptation of the greatest work of literature ever written.


The buzz that signaled her garments were dry was timed perfectly. Kristen was finishing up the last paragraph of chapter 41. She had to remember to bring the tissues when she read the end next week. She slapped the novel on the folding table and hobbled to the dryer with her basket as she noticed some small commotion at the front door. The pain in her leg forced her to concentrate on the task at hand. She loaded up and shuffled back to the table. Her leg tired easily and she realized she should have brought her crutches. Oh well.

She stood there sorting her garments. She preferred to fold them shirts, pants, undergarments, and socks in that order. As she began the first blouse the front door opened and a scruffy guy practically leapt in. He glanced about the room, took in Kristen’s presence as the only patron at WasherWorld and peered out the glass door down the sidewalk.

Kristen tried to ignore him, but she was too curious. Was someone chasing him? Was he a criminal or something? She tried to be inconspicuous as she chugged through her folding.

After a bit he was satisfied because he abruptly turned and asked Kristen if he could sit for a while in one of the chairs near her as if it were her establishment. She shrugged as if to say, ‘You’re kidding, right.’

He sat apparently catching his breath, pulled out his cell and removed his shades.

OH MY GOD! It was Kyle from the cemetery. His hair was a bit longer, his face scruffy with a week of non-shaving, but it was definitely him. He chose just that moment to glance in her direction and she jerked her gaze away. When she found the courage to peer back she saw him bent over his phone with his free hand at his temple obscuring his eyes and face from her.

She tried desperately without success not to overhear his conversation. The party to whom he dialed wasn’t in and he left this message, “Hey, it’s Joe. You’re not gonna believe it, but it happened again. I slipped into some Laundromat. I’m gonna wait a few and then I’ll be on my way.”

Joe snapped the cell shut, slid it into his front pocket, and stood. He craned his neck toward the door sensing that the coast was clear, nodded at Kristen and walked off.

Damn! She can’t let him go just like that. Kristen was not one to allow opportunities to pass her by. She groped quickly for something to say, anything, she prayed the right thing.

“Everything ok now?”

Joe whipped his head toward the words. He took in Kristen again with something like surprise or maybe even fear. Then he relaxed and grinned almost in embarrassment as if the two were sharing an inside joke that he was the butt of.

“Yeah, I guess. You know how it can be.” He was still glancing out the door making sure the way was safe. Then he added quickly, “I mean you can imagine.”

She had no idea what he was talking about but she nodded knowingly wondering if she could keep him here talking and then somehow get him onto the subject that she craved to hear: His trips to the cemetery.

“Well, goodbye,” he nodded and turned again.

“Wait.”

He looked again, the fear returning, maybe even deepening to dread. She wondered what was going on with him that he would regard her as such. Was she acting like some crazed Hollywood weirdo? She didn’t think so, but felt the longer she paused the more possibility it might appear so.

“Um…” Her eyes rolled to the side in thought and words just came out, “Can I ask a favor?”

The dread abated as he gazed at the floor obviously searching for an excuse to extricate himself from the situation. Still, he stood expectantly as if his mother wouldn’t let him go play football with his friends until he kissed Auntie Bertha on her mustachioed mouth.

“Sure”, he held his hand out toward her.

“Um”, she wasn’t sure if she should go over and shake it or what. He sure was acting strange, but then again she figured she must be a nut to him. She plunged on quickly.

“I wouldn’t normally ask a stranger-“

“It’s alright.”

“See, I broke my leg and I just got the cast off-“

“I understand.”

“And I didn’t take my painkiller this morning-“

“Really, I don’t mind.”

“So could you carry my laundry to the car for me?”

He looked like someone slapped him.

“What?” it came out almost angrily and Kristen flinched.

“No don’t worry, I can handle it. I see you’re in a hurry.”

Kristen gripped the handles of the basket and slipped it off the table thinking she had terribly misjudged the situation. Trying to avoid eye contact and weighted down by clean clothes she limped around Joe toward the front door, but no sooner had she taken two steps he was beside her and removing the load from her hands.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I’ll help you.”

He glanced into the basket and noticed the dog eared novel lying on top.
“Ah ha. You’re reading The Longing Heart, huh?”

“For about the hundredth time. It’s my favorite book. Have you ever read it?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Um, no.”

Kristen thought that was a strange question and this was turning out to be a strange encounter. She had previously envisioned meeting Kyle as she lie on her couch at home, leg elevated and wrapped in plaster. Certainly none of those daydreams had gone anything like this. The Kyle of her dreams was sweet and friendly. He didn’t swivel his eyes about shiftily as if he expected the cops to bust him at any second. He was charming and soft spoken, not alternately terse and snapping. Her Kyle smiled in a way that made her weak in the knees. This Joe fellow had yet to smile at all. In fact, he struck her as a Hollywood Player; the worst type of man available in the dating market of Los Angeles. Still he was capable of the sort of love so intense he could mourn for his lost loved one in the manner he had previously.

Kristen held the door open for Joe and pointed him toward her Honda which was pretty close. If she wanted to learn more about the story of Kyle, er Joe and Emily she’d better think quickly.

She unlocked the passenger side door and opened it wide for Joe to put his bundle inside. She smiled apprehensively and waited.

Joe was regarding her inquisitively; perhaps sizing her up. He looked her up and down as if really seeing her for the first time. Suddenly, he smiled warmly at her, playfully in a way that gave her the tingle she’d dreamed of for months. God damn, he was cute. She couldn’t really see his face in detail from her apartment window but there was something about the expressiveness of his eyes. They were almost a chestnut shade while inside the Laundromat, but outside as they walked to the car they were more hazel. Now as he placed the laundry basket in the car and turned to face her so the sun caught him full, his eyes sparkled a bursting bright green. Only upon further inspection did she notice the bands of golden yellow on the outside of his irises.

She came out of her reverie realizing she had been staring at him. He wasn’t uncomfortable about it and that shook her a bit.

It was do or die time and she had to act immediately or this encounter would either be over or could become horribly embarrassing. She took a deep breath.

“Would you like to get a cup of coffee?”

That shook him. He opened his mouth to say something, but slowly closed it into that bemused tingle inducing smile. She held her breath as he took his time weighing his decision. His head cocked to the side as he peered at her. His eyes narrowed.

For her part Kristen, though certainly no prude, had never been quite so forward with a man she’d never met. She was almost as shocked by her offer as he was. Well, what the hell was wrong with wanting to get to know someone who interested you, Kristen wondered. Wait a minute, she thought, is he checking out my body?

“Sure, we can get some coffee”, said Joe.

Kristen and Joe sat in the back corner of the coffee shop. The place was within walking distance of WasherWorld and the two chatted haltingly on the way over; mostly about the beautiful weather and how close to the Laundromat they both lived.

Now, with her heated cup of chai tea warming her hand she began conceiving a way to steer the conversation to the cemetery without blurting out how she had been watching him. For his part, Joe said very little. He didn’t get anything to drink for himself and indeed wouldn’t even go near the counter while she made her order. He seemed very off-put by the things she asked him as if he anticipated so much more then small talk. Kristen wondered exactly what he was expecting. She probed him gently discovering he was from the Midwest, which coincidentally was where she grew up. He was close to his family and had two sisters. He was way into music, played guitar, and had briefly been in a band in Ohio. She wondered if he was a wannabe musician. She’d dated a few and found them all emotionally crippled with the biggest egos she’d ever encountered.

Joe answered her questions with geniality, but without much substance and never asked any of his own. Kristen hoped this didn’t mean he was self absorbed. He didn’t appear to be.

She finally asked if he was married and got a little chuckle.

“I was wondering if you’d ask something like that.”

Joe elaborated on this subject with greater range then previous ones. It made Kristen self-conscious. Did he think she was trying to pick him up like some little airheaded groupie? Well, wasn’t she? Sort of: Only not the groupie part. No, of course not, she countered. She just wanted to hear about his version of Emily and get what promised to be a wonderfully emotional and poignant love story.

She watched his mouth as he spoke, his lips stretching over various words yet always pulling into wry smirks that were gorgeous. He had full red lips that practically begged to be kissed.

Ooops, she had gotten off track and glanced down at her drink that was now mostly empty.

Joe had finished speaking and sat silently waiting for another question, but was now looking about the shop as if ready to leave. And he confirmed her worst suspicions when he said, “So. You wanna come to my place?”

He must have seen the terror in her face for the confident smile he’d kept throughout had fallen and he sat up straight thinking of something to say to put her more at ease.

Perhaps this was the end of their acquaintance. Kristen took a deep breath and Joe sat reluctantly waiting her out.

“You know, we haven’t even been properly introduced. I’m Kristen.”

The grin began reemerging; at least half way.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Kristen.”

He stared at her. The amusement was still there as was the expectation. Still he said nothing more as they gazed at each other. Finally her brows rose as she queried with her eyes as forcefully as she could.

It took him another moment, then, “Oh, I’m Joe”, as if she should have known already.

That was it. Kristen didn’t know what else to say besides launching into an ‘I’m not that sort of girl’ speech she had memorized. On the one hand she was interested in him and there was definite attraction to boot, but she wasn’t now and had never been the type to go to a stranger’s home despite her prior knowledge of him.

He was staring intensely at her again, completely absorbed in some thought. When he completed the process it was as if he had become a completely different person. His attitude changed abruptly. He relaxed and she felt his presence far more then she had since she first spied him in the Laundromat. He was really there.

“I didn’t mean to presume…”

He let that hang for a moment, a precursor to his motives.

“You know they made a movie of “The Longing Heart”, right.” He waited for her nod of consent, “Have you seen the preview?”

“No.” Now it was her turn to size him up. She wasn’t sure where he was going but he was way more accessible now so she determined to continue. “I never watch TV.”

“Never? Not even the news or something.”

“I read the paper or get my news online.”

He was thinking again.

“I kinda have to go now,” he glanced at his watch and Kristen wasn’t sure if she was getting blown off or not, “Can I get your number so I can call you. Tonight maybe, or tomorrow. I’d really like to talk to you some more.”

It ended so abruptly. Joe practically dashed out the door. Kristen noticed a few girls staring at him and giggling behind their hands to each other as he left. Well, he IS extremely cute, Kristen thought, but, he’ll never call…

STAY TUNED FOR THE END - PART 3

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Short Script #2 - Con Couple

EXT. STREET – DAY

Close up on JOE DENVER as he sits in his car that’s rolling down the street.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I’m Joe Denver… Professional Con-artist.

As we pull back we see that Joe’s car, a new model expensive one, is being towed by AAA.

EXT. STREET – DAY – CONTINUOUS

The AAA GUY finishes lowering Joe’s car to the ground, gets in his truck, and drives off. Joe stands by his car waving.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
For the 100$ gold triple A membership I get unlimited
tows at 50 miles a pop. (pause) I haven’t bought gas in years…

INT. APARTMENT LOBBY – MAIL BOX

Joe stands by the mailboxes and sorts through a stack marked “OUTGOING MAIL”. He takes a few marked ‘NETFLIX’ while glancing about to make sure no one sees him.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I prefer to think of myself as a gentleman of opportunity. And there are so many opportunities available if you know where to look.

INT. APARTMENT STAIRWAY

Joe is climbing his staircase toward his unit.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I’ve been in this apartment for over ten years. It’s rent control. $900 a month.

INT. JOE’S APARTMENT

As Joe enters his place, his young roommate DAVE COOGAN walks by, says hi, and leaves for the day.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
That’s my roommate Dave. He pays $800 plus half the utilities and for this size place in this location, he’s ecstatic about that.


Joe stands at his kitchen table unloading his haul for the day. A few wallets, a watch, his netflix movies, some cash, etc.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
My motto is quantity over quality.

Then he takes his bag and empties it on the table and loads of knick-knacks come pouring out!

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Because you’re never sure what you might get.

Joe is looking at the netflix films he swiped. They are mostly movies no one would want to see, but the last one is something good.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
But, I usually do ok.

INT. BEDROOM – LATER

Joe lays on the bed in the dark of his tiny room before a HUGE TV. The light of the Tele dances off his face as he watches the film he stole.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Yeah, life is pretty good. But there was always something missing.

INT. BEDROOM – NEXT DAY

Joe sits at his computer going through CRAIG’S LIST PERSONAL ADS.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
It’s so hard to weed out the good from the bad.

He looks bored, clicking through ads.
He suddenly lunges forward, grabs his keyboard and begins typing.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Screw it! I’ll write everybody. (Pause) Of course I need to send a picture, too.

On the screen, we see a photo of Joe beside a photo of a male swimsuit model on photo shop. Suddenly Joes head floats over and covers the head of the model.

Joe clicks his mouse and leans back in his chair.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Now, we wait.

It doesn’t take long before the email icon on his screen begins flashing and the number of new emails starts flying!

JOE
Let the dating begin.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Joe is walking to the local STREET CAFE to meet his date du jour.

EXT. STREET CAFE - CONTINUOUS

Joe is on his phone and as he reaches the outside tables, a YOUNG LADY, also on a phone, waves hello.
They both hang up, hug hello, and Joe sits across from her.
The two begin chatting and Joe reaches across the table and takes her hand.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I really do want to fall in love with the woman of my dreams… But… Old habits die hard…

BEGIN MONTAGE

This might even have some silly ‘Monkee’s’ type music accompanying it like "I'm A Believer"

CLOSE UP:

Joes’ hand. He has removed the ring from the young lady’s finger!

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Joe and YOUNG LADY #2 are necking on the couch. Joe is nibbling her ear. She pushes him off and steps into her bedroom. Her arm comes out, finger wiggling for him to join her.

As the smile widens on his lips he subtly withdraws the DIAMOND EARRINGS he has removed from her ears and puts them in his pocket before following her.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

Joe kisses YOUNG LADY #3 on the cheek and heads for the bathroom leaving her at a table with LOT’S of EMPTY PLATES.


TIME CUT:

The WAITER waives the check before young lady #3 and as she disgustedly searches her purse for her wallet to pay the bill. She realizes even more disgustedly that it’s not only her date that is missing.

CUT TO:

INT. YOUNG LADY #4 BEDROOM – NIGHT

Joe is dressing while YOUNG LADY #4 lies asleep on the bed. He grabs a couple of trinkets before exiting the room.

EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS

Joe walks to his car while dialing on his cell phone.

CLOSE UP:

AAA on the cell phone screen.

Joe leans against his car waiting while perusing his take for the night.

END MONTAGE

JOE (VOICE OVER)
But then, I met her.

EXT. STREET CAFE

Joe sits at a table with STEPHANIE. They are both laughing and having a great time.

CLOSE UP

Joe is fiddling with the WATCH on Stephanie's wrist, but then he sets her hand on the table, pats it, and leans back in his chair.

JOE
You are phenomenal. This is the best first date I've ever had.

Stephanie apparently agrees, but there's something she's holding back.

STEPHANIE
Yeah, I can't believe I feel such a
connection.

JOE
Me too. Can I... Can we...
I'd really like to see you again.

STEPHANIE
I'd really like to see you again.
But...

JOE
But?

She pauses, but then chuckles and gets up.

STEPHANIE
But, I have to go to the bathroom
I'll be back in a sec.

Joe watches her walk off while checking out her ass.

TIME CUT:

The waiter walks by and drops off the check.
Understanding has dawned on Joe.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I didn't need to check the bathroom to know she wasn't there. Just as I didn't need to check my back pocket to know my wallet was missing.

EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER

Joe is walking home.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Well, it wasn't the first time I'd been bitten by a con. But... I really liked her... And despite the fact that I know she was acting... I really think she liked me too.

Joe turns a corner, stops and looks up, making a decision.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I suppose I should just forget about this whole thing...

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Joe speaks with DOUG, his best friend in con.
He has a photo that he shows Doug.

JOE
Thanks for helping, Doug. If anyone can track her down, I know you can. This is the picture she emailed me when we first met.

DOUG
Very cute. Well, if she's running cons in this city, we're gonna find her. Let's do it!

BEGIN MONTAGE #2

ELO - Evil Woman

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

MAN #1 stands irate at a table where a waiter holds a check and argues with him.
Joe and Doug interrupt and Doug shows the Man the photo. He pulls it from Doug's hand and shows it to the waiter, pointing angrily.

Joe and Doug exchange a knowing glance.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK - DAY

Joe and Doug come across a man (MAN #2) who is beaming happy, holding a VIOLIN. Doug shows him the photo and he nods his head smiling and points to a spot on the instrument.

CLOSE UP:

The signature on the violin reads "STATOVARIUS".
Doug wets his thumb and rubs it and the signature starts to rub off.
Man#2 looks shocked, and about to cry.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

Joe and Doug come across MAN#3 who is holding a sheaf of papers.
They show him the photo and he nods happily.

CLOSE UP: THE PAPERS


They are a new title for THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE
Doug pats him on the back as he and Joe exit.

MAN#3 waves goodbye happily.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Joe and Doug find the room filled with JAPANESE BUSINESS MEN who are in their underwear, bound and gagged.

Doug is showing them the photo of Stephanie and they are all nodding franticly.
Joe sighs in frustration at still not being able to find her.

The two leave the room.

Doug spots a GOLD WATCH on the dresser as he leaves and slyly SWIPES IT.

END MONTAGE

EXT. PARK - LATER

Joe and Doug are walking through the park.

DOUG
Man, this chick is really bad.

JOE
I know.

DOUG
I mean the cons she's pulling are awful.

JOE
Yeah.

DOUG
(Pause) If I was every gonna get married, she'd be the one.

JOE
Back off bro, she's mine!

DOUG
Well, it might not matter. I'm out of ideas. I don't think we're ever gonna find her.

Just at that moment Stephanie backs into Joe.

STEPHANIE
Ooops, sorry... Joe?

JOE
Stephanie?

They stand for a moment, each full of desire for the other and then...

Stephanie BOLTS!

Joe runs after her.

JOE
Wait! Stephanie! I don't care about my wallet.

They're making their way across the park and Stephanie's lead is getting bigger.

JOE
Stephanie! Come on!

Near the street there is a bike. Stephanie grabs it and jumps on.
Realizing he's just about to loose her Joe plays his final card.

JOE
Wait! I love you!

This freezes Stephanie in her tracks.
Joe uses his opportunity and closes the distance. Stephanie turns, but she's ready to bolt on the bike.

STEPHANIE
What are you talking about?

JOE
I had such a great time with you on our date. I realized it then. Look if you don't feel the same about me, just say it and I'll go, but I just had to tell you.

STEPHANIE
You know Joe, you're not the first guy who's wallet I've snatched.

JOE
I know. I've been following you for the last few days. I know about the Brooklyn Bridge, the Stratovarius, the Japanese business men.

STEPHANIE
And you still think you love me?

JOE
More then ever!

It's so obvious she wants him... but...

STEPHANIE
No. It'll never work out. I'm a liar. A cheat. A theif. Joe, I'm a con artist!

JOE
I know. So am I.

STEPHANIE
WHAT?!?!

JOE
Well, yeah...

STEPHANIE
Why didn't you say so?

And with that she drops the bike and jumps into his arms for a nice long kiss.
We hear the strains of THE WEDDING MARCH

JUMP CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

CLOSE UP:

Sign on the back of Joe's car reading "JUST MARRIED"
As we pull back we see a trail of cans that begin rattling as the car pulls off...


BEING TOWED BY A TRIPLE A TRUCK!

The PRIEST waves as they drive off. Then notices HIS WATCH IS MISSING!

THE END


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