Cigarettes: The Rant

WARNING: the following rant may be offense to some and I really don't care...

I have often wondered why people smoke cigarettes. Aside from the fact that anyone who smokes is an inconsiderate asshole who is polluting my world and ME SPECIFICALLY whenever that person smokes in my presence, why would anyone want to smoke in general.

There aren’t too many reasons that I can think of why people begin smoking. There are those who saw it at some point and thought it was cool. Maybe your parents or someone you thought of as glamorous as a child. And that’s a totally understandable reason for a person to take up smoking. Well, anyone that’s under the age of twelve and still has posters of rock stars and teen idols on his or her walls. Then there’s peer pressure; those who were ‘forced’ to smoke because their friends do it and they don’t want to feel left out or get razzed. Sheep, basically. The last thing that comes to mind is someone who just wants to experiment. Again, understandable. Hey, I’ve experimented with heroin, but I didn’t decide to continue doing it on a regular basis for the rest of my life. Whereas many cigarette experimenters do indeed continue smoking straight up until death; sometimes even due to those very cigarettes.

I honestly can’t think of any other reason.

It’s not like when you smoke that first ever cigarette you go, “God DAMN that was good! That was the best FUCKING experience of my life!”. Yes, I have smoked cigarettes as well as other substances and I can say from my own experience that the first cigarette is not a pleasure. In fact, I’ve spoken to MANY cigarette smokers and just about all of them said that their first experience with smoking was particularly NOT pleasurable. They had to go back and do it again… And again… Until they were addicted.

ADDICTED, you say? No smokers are addicted. Every one of them can quit whenever he wants. He just doesn’t want to. Um, yeah, you’re addicted. No, no, any time I get busy I totally forget about smoking altogether. In fact, I’ve gone for days even weeks without a cigarette when I get busy. Uh-huh. Well, let me tell you something. I run. I hate it. The minutes drag. The SECONDS freaking drag. It makes me want to freak out sometimes. However, I’ve found that when I keep my mind occupied with music, or even daydreaming, the minutes can fly by without notice. See the correlation? Keep busy and you can forget about what your body wants you to do. Sorry, smokers, you’re addicted.

To say it’s your “CHOICE’ to smoke is ridiculous. YOU’RE ADDICTED. Therefore, by definition, you have NO CHOICE.

And thusly, I feel about you the same as I feel about all addicts. You’re weak; physically and mentally. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean I personally couldn’t totally love you despite your addiction. Hell, my own mother was a HEAVY smoker for over 40 years and if you tell me I don’t love my mother I’ll tell you to your face to go fuck yourself.

Still, I see a smoker as exactly the same as I see an alcoholic. Come to think of it, every alcoholic I’ve known has been a smoker. That’s not to say that every drinker smokes or that every smoker drinks. I’m sure that’s not the case.

Now we must add to this argument I’m drawing up the point that there is now SO MUCH evidence that shows how detrimental cigarettes are to people who use them that if you WEREN’T addicted you would have to be literally STUPID to want to smoke.

Ok, then. I’m sure I’ve offended many people with my rant. And people who I consider my friends may 1) think I don’t like them as much as they thought and/or 2) might no longer like ME as much as THEY thought. I hope that’s not the case. I don’t hate anyone because he or she smokes, but I do hate the fact THAT he or she smokes.

I’ve heard all sorts of bullshit arguments from people who smoke on why they should be able to not only smoke, but do it anywhere they want. None of their logic has stuck with me. The most basic conviction is that it’s a persons right as a free individual. On this, I do agree. People have the right to be as stupid as they want. However, they do not and should not have the right to force me or anyone who does not want to be associated with that vileness to have to deal with it.

I know many smokers who would say, “Fine, stay the fuck away from me then.”

They may or may not know it, but I do. However, there are others I know who can’t get away from those foul smokers as easily. Know any smokers with children? I truly feel awful for those kids. I always have the option to walk out the door when someone lights up. I also have the option to smack the offending asshole up the side of the head with a brick and then crush out the smoldering butt on his butt. A child does not have these options. And truthfully, many others don’t either. Say, you’re at a party and people are smoking in the house. Sure, you COULD leave the party. Or maybe you can’t. Maybe you got a ride there and have to wait. Now you can no longer stay in the house where your good friends are watching something cool on the tube, or singing songs, or playing guitar. You have to go out in the fresh air where there’s only a stray dog to keep you company and it keeps farting whenever you go to pet it! Or you could just deal with not being able to breathe. I mean really, is oxygen that important to anyone?

Certainly, people who know me and know that I’m deathly allergic to cigarette smoke and become physically ill when confronted with it probably think I’m overreacting. I know smokers who have said to my face that second-hand smoke has absolutely no effect on anyone; that’s all bullshit made up by the MAN to try to take my heroin away (excuse me, cigarette). To that I can only say ‘FUCK YOU’ and I only wish there was some way to make you as sick as I feel when forced to breathe smoke.

Well, I’m not sure if there was a point to this rant, but it always feels good to write down my thoughts and as I’ve been experiencing a little writers block the last week, it feels doubly good.

I hope I haven’t upset any of my friends, cause I truly didn’t mean to. You should realize how much I care for you by the fact that despite my strong beliefs I still want to hang with you.

However, I stand by every word I’ve written and if you have a reply you know where to find me.
I never hide.

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Put The Child Down And Back Away Slowly

Children. Oh, I know what you think. But, I don’t hate children. I just hate yours. I’m not even gonna get into how annoying it is to hear stories about your kids that are SOOOO uninteresting to me it’s all I can to keep the ridiculous smile plastered on my face and not yawn at you. I don’t enjoy hearing them scream repeatedly, run around the room, and jump on me. And it’s not ‘cute’ listening to them sing songs or tell bad jokes even once let alone over and over and over.

No, this children’s article is about you. The psychotic parent. A while ago a friend posted the above article. Read it if you choose to, but it’s about a woman who is writing for advice. She sends emails and leaves phone messages for her girlfriends who are stay at home mothers and they are too ‘busy and exhausted’ to be polite enough to return them. She asks what it is these people do all day that has them so worn out. There’s no mention in the letter about not being able to hang out and do things with these young parents, simply why can’t they return messages.

The advice columnist, a young mother herself is completely self-righteous. She mentions her first thought is to ‘bang her forehead against the keyboard’ because of the stupidity of this letter. Then she divulges the average day of a stay at home mother. It goes something like this: “Constant attention, from getting them out of bed, cleaned, dressed, to keeping them out of harms way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of keys, and supplies, even for the quickest trips, including the latest to be declared essential piece of molded plastic gear; from keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired, or bored any one of which produces check out line screaming. It’s taking 45 minutes to do what takes others 15. It’s constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier… …It’s doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity, empathy. Everything!”

Ok, calm the fuck down Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post! I’m so sick and tired of hearing parents think their job is so hard. And I’m not belittling or demeaning what it takes to be a good parent. I feel it takes A LOT and unfortunately most parents are sorely lacking. But, come on, do you know how many people have kids? Many kids? Take care of kids all day long every day for years and still have time for themselves? Or time to return phone calls? Or emails? Or get a damned babysitter and go to the movies once in a while?

Let me tell you something Carolyn and other self-important parents out there: You give this constant 24/7, every waking and sleeping second of the day supervision because you CHOOSE to. It is not necessary AND some may say is detrimental to your child!!! My mother had two kids to deal with and she had quite a social life. My folks took yearly cruises in the Caribbean as well as went out at night all the time. My sister and I stayed with our grandparents or had babysitters. A very good friend of mine for a long time was a single father of a young boy (3 or 4 when I met them) who worked full time and still had time to hang with (at least) me on plenty of occasions. It didn’t stop him from having a social life, taking acting classes, and dating to eventually get married and have two more kids. AND, I respect the job he does as a father like no other. He never denied that boy anything and more importantly (for me anyway) his kids are incredibly well-behaved. Another friend was a single mother who went to college full time and worked a full time job. She once said to me that her friends thought her daughter would never learn to walk because she was always holding her. This woman had quite the active social life as well and told me that if she didn’t return a call or an email it’s because she didn’t want to, not because she was too busy.

You have to stay one step ahead of your child lest he become too hungry, tired, or bored? Really? I mean really? And if he achieves one of these states there will be a check out line scene? I’d say you need to teach your kids to behave or don’t take them to the store. And FUCK, please don’t take them to the movies if they haven’t learned how to view one with respect to other audience members! Which is, yes, your responsibility.

Constant vigilance, touch, use of your voice… Whoa there. Put down the child and back away slowly. Go in the other room for an hour. Your kid will live. And you will feel much better after you have a few freak outs and mental breakdowns and then come to the realization that, yes, your child will live.

Hey, guess what? You DON’T have to answer every question, coo, and cry. If your child can’t handle that he needs YOU to teach him how. It's OK for a kid to cry for a while until it stops on it's own. Children NEED to learn these things. When they have, THEN you will have begun succeeding at being a good parent.

I do agree with Hax’s last statement in that it is a parents job to teach children “language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity, empathy. Everything!” And if you do these things properly you’ll find that your children will be much easier to take care of, better people, and you’ll have more then enough time to respond to your friends emails!


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