Holiday Decorations... Bah Humbug!

Ah, the holidays! Festive Food. Presents. Parties. Presents. NBA. College Football. Presents. School Vacations. Days off work. Presents. Family. Friends. Presents. Religion (for some). Presents. Snow (for some). Holiday Songs. Good will to all (for some). And let's not forget... Presents! Oh yeah, and DECORATIONS.

And so, as has become popular in recent years (I swear it did not exist when I was young) we have a debate on what sort of decorations, if any, we're ALLOWED to display.

Obviously this discussion is tied up around religious beliefs (as many ridiculous topics are). So, let's get this out of the way to start. According to Wikipedia I am what's considered an AGNOSTIC ATHEIST. This is different from a straight Atheist, straight Agnostic, or any of the gajillions of sub denominations that occur out there. On a side note, I just discovered this about myself fairly recently. By which I mean that I've known for a long time this is how I felt, but never realized there was an actual term that identified it so clearly. I love Wikipedia! OK, for those who don't know what this means or are too lazy to look it up here's the websites' definition: The view of those who do not believe in the existence of any deity, but do not claim to know if a deity does or does not exist.

On the other hand I thoroughly identify CULTURALLY as Jewish. It's how I was brought up and though I disregard the religious aspects, it is an important part of my life. Now you say I can't possibly reconcile those two ideas. How can I answer that? Hmmm. Oh yeah: Fuck off! I will not live by your weird rules and parameters so don't try to force me.

So, as an Agnostic Atheistic Jew what are my thoughts on holiday decorations? I imagine you're just dying to know.

Well here it is: Decorate as you please! Anywhere! Anything! Anyhow! I don't care. I love decorations. Any decorations. None offend me in any way. If you choose to have Satanic style decorations at your place, I think that is just freaking awesome! I would pay to see a plastic display of baby Satan in a manger surrounded by orgiastic animals engaging in blood sacrifice while three fire breathing demons reenacted the giving of gold, frankenstein, and mud (as long as it was all completely safe and the flames from the fire breathing demons aimed to the sky without any possibility of damage or injury).

And furthermore I don't care if this is staged at a house, school, church, government center, park, or mall (again, as long as it is all completely safe).

The idea that anyone takes issue with holiday decorations be they public or private is simply beyond my comprehension.

What I'm reading is that Christians feel they should be able to put up extremely religious based decorations basically anywhere they please because "America is a Christian nation at heart".

Non Christian religionists feel offended because they're having Christmas "Rammed down their throats and slighted because no one ever puts out their religious ornamentations".

Non-Religionists are threatened by the religious aspects that they feel are dangerous as well as the feeling that "Public places such as Schools, Parks, or Government Buildings should fall under separation of church and state".

I think I've covered all the angles. And because groups of people left without guidance can almost never come to an intelligent conclusion I often read stories about places where the people have decided that there will be no decorations of any kind so as not to offend anyone. There's always follow ups to this that mentions the Christians feel like Christmas is being taken away from them (usually by evil Jews or Muslims (shiver)).

Ya'll are just crazy!

Anyone should be free to decorate his or her private place however he or she wants (as long as it's not PHYSICALLY dangerous). I'm fairly certain there's something in our constitution that decrees this. If you don't want yourself or your family to see it, then don't look.

Ok, but what about public areas? Places we all HAVE to go? Why should we be forced to see these vile ornamental props when we're out and about since a baby jesus or a dressed up tree offends some to their very core? Why should we be forced to put up silver and blue crap when we only want to see green and red crap and GOD FORBID someone make us look at whatever crap it is that those Kwanzaa people use to celebrate their heathen religion!?!?

Well, I'll tell you: It's because America is a melting pot that promotes Freedom of Religion and Expression! I honestly feel that if you have a community of all Christians and they decorate their entire city to celebrate Christmas, this should be completely fine and it's none of your freaking business if you don't live there! However, if they have one African who wants to have Kwanzaa decorations, the city should do it's best to accommodate him. Period. Thus, any public spot that has one style should have both. Or more if there is a more diverse community and those members request it. And why not? Is there truly no room to celebrate all these holidays publicly?

And if non-religionists have a problem with this, I feel it's simply too bad for them. If they live in a town where EVERYONE wants no decorations in public spots, then so be it! Otherwise I think they need to get over it.

I grew up in a very multi-ethnic community. I always felt accepted (religiously speaking), but I do recall as a youngster only very rarely ever seeing Hanukkah decorations outside of personal abodes. It simply didn't bother me. In fact, I never thought about it at all. My house was always decorated Jewishly (if that' a word) and it was fine by me. Look, if I was truly upset by this, then as an adult I would have worked toward making sure there were Hanukkah decorations displayed around my city every year along with the Christmas ones. And believe me, it could have been done. There was (and is) a HUGE Jewish population where I grew up in South Florida. If you feel the need to do this, fine. It simply didn't matter to me and still doesn't.

Seeing Christmas, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus, or (I don't know) Ramadan decorations does not offend or threaten me. I never feel they're being rammed down my throat, belittling my own beliefs, or causing myself or my children (if I had children) to be confused about religion in any way.

I'm guessing this is because 1. I'm an incredibly well adjusted person and 2. I'm very confident in who I am and in my beliefs. If someone tells me their religion is better than mine I don't take them at face value or feel threatened. I can make educated decisions for myself and if my children have any questions arising from holiday decorations I feel perfectly competent to be able to discuss these rationally with them so they too will be able to only feel joy at seeing them.... As I do.

Because in the end, that's what they're for. Oh sure, some people are truly moved by the religious aspects of holiday decorations and that's awesome. They should be if they want. While others should be able to enjoy them simply for the beauty or joyful feelings seeing them brings. If for some reason a particular decoration doesn't bring you happiness, perhaps you should figure out why. Maybe it's you who has an issue and not the decoration. Or maybe you can simply ignore that particular spot and check out some others. If all decorations upset you... You're the fucking Grinch, go slink off to a cave with your dog until Christmas is over. (On second thought, don't take your dog, he probably likes the decorations).

Either way, I sincerely wish, for everyone out there in the world to be able to enjoy ALL the decorations and have a HAPPY HOLIDAY!!!

First 1/3 Of Untitled Comedy

INT. CAVE

This is an Indiana Jones’ type cave; dark and creepy. JULES
BLIX, (mid 20’s blonde who’s hot in a quirky sort of way)
dressed as a 40’s adventurer and her INDIAN GUIDE (dark,
muscular, handsome man) dressed in turban and loincloth are
carefully exploring. They both hold TORCHES.

Jules illuminates a series of tiny statuettes with her flame.

JULES
What are these?

INDIAN GUIDE
Traps. Don’t touch them.

JULES
How do they work?

INDIAN GUIDE
If you try to lift one, poison
spikes will shoot at you from out
of nowhere.

He shines his light on DEAD BODIES that lie nearby to prove
his point.

INDIAN GUIDE
To deter thieves.

JULES
Poison, you say? The secret ginju
poison? The only known substance
that can kill the great and evil
Kaliram?

INDIAN GUIDE
I suppose so, but...

Jules begins grabbing dead bodies and leaning them against
her, effectively creating a shield.

INDIAN GUIDE
What are you doing?

Suddenly, in quick succession she grabs three statues in a
row. A dozen poison darts shoot out from various angles; all
striking the corpses.

The Indian Guide leaps back and makes the sign of warding off
evil spirits at her.

Jules has already dropped the bodies and has retrieved
SUPPLIES from her PACK.

CLOSE UP - ON A DART

There is a viscous green fluidy gunk on the shaft. With a
SWAB and TONGS Jules is filling a small receptacle with GINJU
POISON.

JULES
It seems the great and evil Kaliram
was generous enough to supply us
with a method to kill him after all.

INDIAN GUIDE
You’re crazy.

JULES
Crazy like a beaver!

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE HUNTER

Kenzie’s in her late 20’s or early 30’s. She’s a cute blonde
who, if you squinted at her while looking through a strobe
light in an otherwise dark room would look strikingly similar
to Jules Blix.

KENZIE
(softly, to herself)
Crazy like a beaver!

INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS

Jules stands and puts the collected poison in her pack.

JULES
Can you find the Kaliram in this
ridiculous maze?

INDIAN GUIDE
I think so.

JULES
Then let’s go Gunga Din. It’s
payback time!

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE

KENZIE
(softly to herself)
It’s payback time!

Reveal: We are actually in Kenzie’s living room and she’s
enrapt in the Jules Blix film on the TV. She would be in
heaven if it weren’t for the fact that her date TODD LIPSCOMB
was at DEFCON 5 doing some serious necking while attempting
unsuccessfully to remove her bra.

KENZIE
Oh! Great idea!

TODD
What? What was that?

Kenzie realizes for the first time in a bit that she’s not
alone.

KENZIE
Hey Todd, this has been a wonderful
first date, but I just remembered
that I have to go to work now.

Todd leans back, shocked.

TODD
At midnight?

KENZIE
Yeah.

TODD
Stella said you were cool.

KENZIE
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

TODD
Look Kenzie, I spent almost twenty
dollars on dinner. I think that
should get me some quality time
with you.

He dives back in at her neck and bra.

Kenzie can only roll her eyes. She waits a moment
impatiently and then reaches a decision.

She pushes him off, but before he can object she GOES DOWN ON
HIM.

TODD
Oh ok. (Pause) WOW! I’ve never
felt anything like that! Holy shit
you’re amazing. (Pause... heavy
breathing) No wait... If you keep
that up I’m gonna... I’m gonna...
I’m gonna--

CUT TO:

EXT. KENZIE’S FRONT DOOR

Todd is on the outside. Kenzie is inside.

KENZIE
Come again.

She tosses him his jacket and keys.

TODD
I’d love to! And maybe next time I
could do it in your--

SLAM goes the door!

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Office is probably overstating it a bit. Kenzie’s bedroom
closet (not a walk-in, but a regular closet) has been
converted to a workspace complete with PC and all the
accoutrements.

Her Keyboard and mouse are on a tray table.
On the monitor, obvious by its unique format is a SCREENPLAY.
In the background Kenzie is gargling. She spits, rinses,
wipes, and comes to her makeshift desk to sit. She cracks
her knuckles and begins typing up a storm.

CUT TO:

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - MORNING

Kenzie is still seated, slumped over, cradling her keyboard
like a pillow. The monitor shows a bunch of gobblygook that
her cheeks typed while she slept.

KENZIE
Oh man.

She starts a rapid fire of the back space button until she
notices the time. She’s late for work!

KENZIE
Shit!

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - LATER

This is an upscale boutique in BEVERLY HILLS.

Kenzie pins on her name tag while sneaking to her station in
KEEPSAKES.

STELLA (Kenzie’s best friend whose only interest in life is
finding a husband before menopause), who works in FINE
CRYSTAL strolls by.

STELLA
Kenzie’s late again.

KENZIE
Kenzie overslept. Did Mr. Pinkston notice?

STELLA
Oh yes. But Kenzies’ wonderful
friend Stella covered for her yet again.

KENZIE
As per usual, Kenzie owes her
wonderful friend Stella. Anything
I should know if Mr. Pinkston asks?

STELLA
Yes. It’s that time of the month again.

KENZIE
It’s always that time of the month.

STELLA
Don’t I know it. So Todd said you
guys had quite the eventful date
last night.

KENZIE
Todd’s a dick. He took me to
Quizno’s for dinner.

STELLA
He said you were all over him.

KENZIE
Hardly. He forced my hand.

STELLA
I heard it was your mouth, not your
hand and there was no forcing
necessary.

KENZIE
He wouldn’t leave and I wanted to
get back to my script.

STELLA
You and your script. If I could
give head like you I’d use it to
get men to stay, not to get them to leave.

KENZIE
What man do I want to stay?
Someone like Peter?

STELLA
What was wrong with Peter?

KENZIE
He was a douche! I still have no
idea why you accepted his proposal.

STELLA
He got me pregnant.

KENZIE
He wouldn’t have gotten you
pregnant if you hadn’t poked holes
in all his condoms.

STELLA
He might have.

KENZIE
You’re just lucky he ended up
getting 20 to life before it was
too late to get an abortion.

STELLA
(sigh) I suppose so.

An elderly CUSTOMER approaches Kenzie.

CUSTOMER
Excuse me Miss? Can I get some help?

KENZIE
Of course. What can I do for you?

The customer points to an expensive, one of a kind, beautiful
CANDLESTICK HOLDER in a locked case.

CUSTOMER
I’d like to see that candle stick
holder. I think it might be
perfect for my daughter-in-law.

KENZIE
What? This one? Oh, you don’t
want that one.

CUSTOMER
Why not? It’s a Fulston original.
It’s gorgeous.

KENZIE
No, no, no. (whispering) It’s fake.

CUSTOMER
What?

KENZIE
Yeah. It’s not even a good copy.
Don’t tell anyone, but we have a
whole case of them in the back.
Let me show you something over here
that I’m sure your daughter-in-law
will love.

She leads the customer away.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

It’s her lunch break so Kenzie is eating while she drives her
HYUNDAI. The radio is on. As the current song ends:

RADIO DJ
And tonight Brit rocker Langdon
Spritzer will be performing before
a sold out crowd. So to get you
all started, here’s his newest
megahit... Wash my socks and do me!

An incredibly tasteless, tuneless, power chord laden song
begins. Kenzie switches the radio off.

KENZIE
How did that no talent idiot get so
famous and I can’t get a script sold?

Kenzie parks on the street and as she’s paying the meter a
bus pulls directly in front of her forcing her to view the
huge picture on its side. It’s LANGDON SPRITZER’S new album
cover entitled GROWL. Naturally it’s a picture of Spritzer
in the midst of a ridiculous growl.

Underneath reads: Includes new hit “Wash My Socks And Do Me!”

KENZIE
Jesus...

INT. IVAN’S OFFICE

IVAN is a big, fat, smarmy Russian who is also Kenzie’s
LITERARY AGENT.

IVAN
Ah Kenzie! How is my favorite
screenwriter?

KENZIE
Ah Ivan. How is my favorite
completely useless agent?

IVAN
Useless? I’m out there every day
slugging away just for you.

KENZIE
Well, maybe you should think about
taking people out to lunch instead
of punching them. It might help
you sell a script.

IVAN
Lunches cost money. You paying for
them with boutique job?

KENZIE
I can’t even pay my rent with my
boutique job. That’s why I need
you to sell my screenplays.

IVAN
Ya, ya, ya. How is new script coming?

KENZIE
Good. I had a great idea and was
writing all last night. But what
about the old script? The one I
finished months ago that you’ve
done nothing with?

IVAN
Nothing? I show it all over town.
No actress wants to play role.
They all turn it down.

KENZIE
That’s because you’re showing it to
the wrong actresses.

IVAN
I just heard back from actress from
Twilight.

KENZIE
What did she say?

IVAN
She said no.

KENZIE
Good! Because if she’d have said
yes I would have stuck a gun up my
vagina and pulled the trigger! I
don’t want the girl from Twilight
in my movie. The Naked Corpse is a
Jules Blix movie. I wrote it for
Jules Blix and only Jules Blix can
play the lead. She’s perfect. No
one else is right for the part, so
of course these other actresses are
turning it down.

IVAN
Jules Blix! Jules Blix! Jules
Blix is big star. How you expect
me to get her script?

KENZIE
You got it to the girl from Twilight.

Ivan grunts.

KENZIE
You’re an agent. You’re supposed
to have connections. Why do you
think I signed with you?

IVAN
Because no one else in the city
would represent you. Look, Kenzie,
go home. Finish new script. Let
me worry about Naked Corpse. I
have cousin whose girlfriends
mother has manicurist whose
astrologist does reading for Jules
Blix’s mother. I’ve been working
connection for little while. But,
don’t hold breath.

KENZIE
Manicurist... Girlfriend... What?

IVAN
Go home. Type, type, type. I call
when I have news.

INT. KENZIE’S APARTMENT HALLWAY - LATER

Kenzie is clomping dejectedly down the hallway. As she
passes her neighbor MARK’s door it opens and a guy who looks
like the dad from Father Knows Best leans out.

MARK
Kenzie... How are you today?

KENZIE
Fine Mark. Just frustrated by my
agent again. How are you?

MARK
Fine... Are you sure you’ve no
other problems?

He inclines his head toward her door where there’s a PINK
NOTICE taped. Kenzie yanks it off.

KENZIE
Sonofabitch! My paycheck must not
have cleared in time.

MARK
Anything I can help with?

KENZIE
No, no. I’m sure it’s cleared by
now. I’ll just have to write
another rent check and pay the
bouncing fee... And the late
charge... Oh man.

MARK
If you change your mind don’t be
afraid to ask. I can help. It
would just be a loan. I know
you’re good for it.

KENZIE
No help needed, but thanks. Unless
you can find me a husband.

MARK
As you know, I’ve already been
married and divorced and the sort
of men I’m interested in these days
aren’t the marrying type if you
know what I mean. But, I’ll keep
an eye out for you.

KENZIE
Thanks.

Mark’s door has closed during the chat and when he tries to
open it, it’s stuck.

MARK
Damned door keeps sticking.

He jerks it open.

MARK
Thanks god. Last time I had to get
the maintenance man to get it open.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kenzie plays her answering machine messages as she strolls
about her place unwinding.

Message #1:

PHIL
Hi Kenzie. It’s Phil... Phil
Shazinsky... From high school...
Again... Um... I’ve called a few
times... Look, I’ll say it again, I have not
been able to get you out of my head
for the last 15 years! Please...
Call me.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL BLEACHERS - FLASH BACK

As the message plays a much younger Kenzie is making out with
a young Phil on the bleachers. After a moment she goes down
on him.

CLOSE UP - PHIL’S FACE

Phil’s face contorts in extreme pleasure.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT - FLASH BACK

Oafish RALPH talks on and on and on at his car as Kenzie,
bored out of her mind listens while wracking her brain for a
method of escape. She tries to open the car door, but Ralph
casually leans on it, still talking.

Finally, Kenzie looks around and drops to her knees.

Ralph goes ramrod straight as if he’s been struck by
lightening. His eyes go wide.

As this little scene plays out in pantomime Message #2:

RALPH
Hey, it’s Ralph. Remember me?
Stella’s friend? We went out last
month. I don’t know why you won’t
call me back. We had such a great
time talking that night and then
you... Well, we obviously had some
chemistry if you know what I mean.
I’d love to do that again. So call me.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - FLASH BACK

RICHARD is sprawled out, spent in sheer bliss on a big comfy
chair as Kenzie rises up from between his legs with a DIAMOND
RING in her hand, NODDING “YES”.

Message #3:

RICHARD
Kenzie. It’s Richard... Look, I
know you turned me down when I
proposed to you that time... I
mean when you eventually found out
I was already married...

INT. RICHARDS HOUSE - FLASH BACK

Richard, his wife and three young children are eating dinner
as Kenzie bursts in. She throws the ring at Richard and
stalks out. Richards wife is not happy.

Message #3 (continued):

RICHARD
But, I’m single now and that
marriage proposal still stands...
I really, really want to see you
again. Call me.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM

Message #4:

JOE
Kenzie baby! It’s Joe-

Kenzie, now dressed in a comfy robe stops the machine. She
notices there are 12 more messages.

KENZIE
I get it! I give a great blowjob!
Christ people!

She presses delete over and over until the machine is clear.

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER

Kenzie sits before her work, glancing at her surroundings for
inspiration.

On the wall of the inside of her closet are various posters
of Jules Blix movies. Each has her with a wicked smile and a
handsome guy.

After a moment she starts typing.

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER

Kenzie is still working. She has a bowl of cereal that she’s
crunching away on.

The phone rings and Kenzie answers while continuing to type
with her free hand.

KENZIE
I’m working on my screenplay, Stella.

STELLA
Did I ever introduce you to my
cousin Rob?

KENZIE
Short and prematurely bald with a
lousy comb over?

STELLA
He’s gonna be in town next week.
You two should go out.

KENZIE
Um... He short and prematurely
bald with a lousy comb over.

STELLA
If you only look for the bad in
people you’ll never see any of the
good. Rob’s a really nice guy,
Kenzie. You know, one day you need
to realize that there are no men
like the ones you make up in your
little movie scripts. Come back to
the real world.

KENZIE
One day... I gotta go Stella, I’m
right in the middle of a pivotal scene.

She hangs up and looks back toward the pictures of Jules Blix
who is still all smiles with various gorgeous guys.

And she’s sad.

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - NEXT DAY

Kenzie has the same sad and wistful expression on her face as
she watches a couple shop. Neither is perfect in any way,
but they seem genuinely happy and in love with each other.
As she turns her head, standing directly before her is
LANGDON SPRITZER. He is every inch the Rock God. He’s
wearing dark shades and staring silently at her.

She recognizes him, but looks back blankly.

He continues to stares until it’s uncomfortable.

KENZIE
Can I help you?

Langdon stares a bit longer and then makes a ridiculous
growling noise.

KENZIE
Are you having some kind of seizure?

LANGDON
It’s my signature growl... It’s
famous... I’m Langdon Spritzer...
The rock star... I’m very famous.

KENZIE
(shrugs) Sorry.

LANGDON
That’s actually very refreshing.

KENZIE
Can I help you?

LANGDON
Yeah. I got me a first date
tonight and I wanna get her
something that makes me look
thoughtful and charming. You know,
something that’ll get me in her
knickers.

KENZIE
Ah. Well, I imagine you’re going
to ply her with alcohol?

LANGDON
Hell yeah.

KENZIE
Then you might want to try this.

She leads him to a very stylized whiskey flask.

KENZIE
And fill it with the poison of your
choice. You can even get it
engraved. Something tasteful like,
“Wash my socks and do me”.

LANGDON
Ha! See! You have heard of me and
you didn’t even know it! That’s my
song. I sing it.

KENZIE
Really. Wow. What a coincidence.

LANGDON
You know, I wrote it too.

KENZIE
Oh yeah? So, what about that flask.

LANGDON
I love it! I’ll take 50.

KENZIE
Fifty?!?

LANGDON
Yeah. Oh, not for the girl. I
think I might mail them out as
like, Christmas cards or some such.
No, for the girl I was thinking of
something a little more subtle
(mispronounced).

KENZIE
Sub-tell?

LANGDON
Yeah.

KENZIE
Well, we don’t sell condoms here.

LANGDON
That’s ok I don’t use them. I make
girls I sleep with sign a waiver.
(pause) Hey, what about that?

He points to the Fulston Candle Stick Holder.

KENZIE
No. No, I doubt she would
appreciate that.

LANGDON
Five thousand dollars for a candle
stick holder; she’d better
appreciate it.

KENZIE
Maybe if you’re dating Jules Blix.

LANGDON
Jules Blix?

KENZIE
Jules Blix. She’s an actress.
She’s very famous... Never mind.

LANGDON
Why is it good for her?

Kenzie isn’t sure she wants to tell this story, but then she
confides:

KENZIE
A few months ago Jules Blix came
in. I was helping her and we
became really friendly and...
Anyway, she totally fell in love
with that candle stick holder. She
was gonna buy it but she forgot her
wallet and said she’d come back for
it. So, I’m sort of unofficially
holding it for her.

LANGDON
I’ll take it.

KENZIE
No. Didn’t you hear what I just
said? I’m holding it for Jules Blix.

LANGDON
Unofficially... And after a few
months I highly doubt she’s coming back.

KENZIE
I don’t care what you doubt you
pompous asshole.

LANGDON
Ooooh. Spunky.

KENZIE
Ooooh. Slimy.

LANGDON
I think you’re just my type.

KENZIE
I think you’re just an idiot.

Kenzie’s officious boss Mr. PINKSTON walks over.

MR. PINKSTON
And what’s going on here?

KENZIE
Nothing Mr. Pinkston.

LANGDON
Nothing? This very beautiful and
very modest sales clerk of yours
just sold me that five thousand
dollar candle stick holder. I’d
say that’s something alright.
Quite a feather in her cap, in fact.

MR. PINKSTON
I’m so glad Miss Hunter was able to
help you. Ah, the Fulston
original. Excellent choice.
Kenzie, why don’t you wrap that
for Mr. Spritzer and I’ll ring him up.

LANGDON
You know who I am?

MR. PINKSTON
Of course, Mr. Spritzer. I’m a big fan.

LANGDON
Please, call me Langdon.

Livid, Kenzie grabs the piece from the case and takes it to

INT. STOREROOM - CONTINUOUS

Angrily, she gets material to box and wrap it. She notices a
very vulgar African Statuette with a huge PHALLUS that is
about the same size as the candlestick holder and gets a
wicked idea.

This new piece gets wrapped up and the Fulston is hidden away
on a back shelf.

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - MOMENTS LATER

Kenzie puts the wrapped package on the counter.

KENZIE
Here you go.

Langdon hands her a slip of paper.

LANGDON
And here you go.

KENZIE
What’s this?

LANGDON
That’s my personal cell phone
number. I have a concert tonight
and then I’m going out with candle
stick girl. But maybe we can go
out tomorrow. Call me. Eh, not
too early, you know. I’ll need
time to get rid of candle stick
girl and ah, maybe grab a shower.

KENZIE
You’re scum.

LANGDON
You’re so cute.

He grabs the package and waggles his hand by his head in the
international sign for ‘call me’ and exits.

KENZIE
What an ass.

She flicks the paper with his number in the garbage.

Stella shuffles over from Fine Crystal

STELLA
Wasn’t that Langdon Spritzer?

KENZIE
I guess.

STELLA
He’s so cute... And you know what
the women call him, right?

KENZIE
No.

STELLA
Instead of Langdon, it’s Long Dong.

KENZIE
Why? Is he Chinese?

STELLA
Huh?

Kenzie’s cell rings. It’s Ivan.

KENZIE
It’s my agent. Cover for me for a
sec, ok? Hello?

A jumble of excited Russian comes out of the ear piece.

KENZIE
What? Ivan? Calm down. I can’t
understand you. Speak English.

IVAN
Astrologist! Astrologist! (more
Russian)

KENZIE
What? Ivan. What’s the matter?

IVAN
Naked Corpse! I got Jules Blix to
read Naked Corpse!

KENZIE
What? Oh my god!

IVAN
(Russian, Russian) She loved it!
She wants her personal production
company to option it so it can be
her next movie! She offered one
million dollars!

KENZIE
Are you sure?

IVAN
I talk to her myself. Paperwork
will be here first thing in
morning. (Russian, Russian)
Remember, 15% off top for agent!
(laughing) 15%! (more laughing)
Happy days are here! I call when I
need you sign papers! (laughing)

He hangs up.

STELLA
What’s the matter?

KENZIE
I sold my script! I sold my script
for a million dollars!

The two women scream, jump up and down, and hug.

KENZIE
Oh my god. Cover for me. I’ve
gotta get out of here.

STELLA
Screw that. I’m coming with you.
Let’s party!

INSERT MONTAGE OF INCREDIBLY WILD AND FUNNY PARTYING IN
TIJUANA

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Kenzie’s place looks even worse then the hotel room in The
Hangover after the drugs wore off (perhaps minus the
chicken). Kenzie, lying half on and half off the couch,
wakes up just in time to fall to the floor.

She gets up and staggers to her

INT. KENZIE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Past the gorgeous, COMPLETELY NAKED MAN sitting on her bed,
and over to the toilet where she relieves herself.

When she’s done she staggers back toward the living room when
she finally notices the man, RUDOLPHO and his HUGE PENIS.

KENZIE
Ah! Hi.

RUDOLPHO
Hello. Hey, thanks again for last night.

KENZIE
Oh, it was... It was... My pleasure.

RUDOLPHO
Sorry if I was annoying. I can get
a little loud. You weren’t
uncomfortable, were you?

KENZIE
(Staring at his dick)
Uncomfortable? Um. Not that I remember.

There’s a knock at the front door.

KENZIE
Um, I have to... Uh...

She bolts for the door and answers it. It’s her neighbor
Mark.

MARK
They finally got the door unstuck.
The landlord said it shouldn’t
happen again, but I’m not holding
my breath.

KENZIE
Who cares. I have problems.
There’s a gorgeous naked man in my
bedroom with a HUGE... Thing.

MARK
By thing, I’m guessing you’re
talking about a penis?

KENZIE
Yes!

MARK
Obviously, you mean Rudolpho.

KENZIE
Rudolpho?

MARK
Wow, you were more drunk last night
then I thought. I picked up
Rudolpho at a club and when we got
back here you were sprawled half
naked, asleep in your open doorway,
snoring, with your hand still on
the doorknob. My damned door got
stuck again and you graciously
offered us your bed for out carnal
delight. I’d apologize for keeping
you up all night, but it’s clear
that we didn’t.

KENZIE
Oh, I’m not sure if I’m relieved or
disappointed.

They’ve made their way into the living room where Rudolpho
has now joined them, still naked as a jay.

He kisses Mark good morning.

MARK
Why don’t you cover yourself up
before you hurt someone with that thing.

RUDOLPHO
K.

KENZIE
(Quickly) No, it’s ok, you don’t
have to cover up on my account.

Too late. He’s gone.

KENZIE
Oh, my head. I need some aspirin.

MARK
Might wanna check your answering
machine. Your phone was ringing
off the hook all night.

KENZIE
Probably just a bunch of jerks from
Tijuana who want to propose.

She glances at the machine after downing some drugs. There
are 158 messages.

KENZIE
Holy shit! What did I do last night?

She presses play.

IVAN
(message #1) Kenzie? You hear
news? Call me immediately.

IVAN
(message #2) Kenzie, is Ivan.
Where are you? Call me back.

IVAN
(message #3) Kenzie? I hope you
not do anything stupid. Is Ivan.
Call me when you get this.

KENZIE
Uh-oh.

IVAN
(message #4) Is Ivan again. Call
me.

Kenzie stops the player and dials Ivan.

KENZIE
Ivan. It’s Kenzie. What... What?... WHAT?

CUT TO:

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Kenzie, Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are lounging. Stella is
reading from a laptop while everyone else has a newspaper or
magazine.

There are a stack of them scattered on the floor all with
photos of Jules Blix and Langdon Spritzer.

STELLA
(Reading) After a twenty-four hour
whirlwind romance superstar actress
Jules Blix and rock icon Langdon
Spritzer have announced their
engagement. Said Blix, “Langdon
gave me this amazing African statue
on our first date and I knew I was
completely smitten”. Awww.

KENZIE
I do not believe that... But why
quit acting.

MARK
(Reading) Blix and Spritzer have
decided that she will give up her
successful career in film to become
a housewife and raise little
Jules’s and Langdon’s to the dismay
of many production companies that
she’d signed deals with.

KENZIE
And one poor screenwriter that she
didn’t quite yet. I think I’m
gonna be sick. Well, at least I
still have my job at the boutique.

STELLA
Um... You don’t remember telling
Mr. Pinkston he could shove his job
up his wife’s fat ass and then suck
it out with a straw?

KENZIE
Please tell me you’re kidding...
Why didn’t you stop me? You’re
supposed to be my best friend.

STELLA
At the time I thought you were a
millionaire. It was all I could do
not to cheer you on. I mean, I
didn’t want to loose my job too.

KENZIE
Oh, God. Mark, remember when you
offered me that loan?

MARK
Yeah. But, that was when I knew
you were good for it. Now you’re
unemployed and a bad credit risk.

KENZIE
Christ. What am I gonna do?

The phone rings.

STELLA
Want me to get that?

KENZIE
Let the machine get it.

Message:

TODD
Hi Kenzie. It’s Todd. We went out
a few nights ago. I would really,
really like to see you again. Give
me a call and let’s set something up.

MARK
Well there you go. The answer to
your problems. That boy sounds
like he’s ready to propose over the
phone. Get married real quick and
then divorce him and take all his money.

STELLA
He doesn’t have any money or I
would have already married him
myself instead of fixing him up
with Kenzie.

KENZIE
And he’s a jerk. I had to give him
a sympathy blowjob just to get him
to leave.

RUDOLPHO
Wouldn’t it be nice if giving
blowjobs could make all our
troubles go away.

After a moment to ponder this thought:

STELLA
Actually, maybe it could.

KENZIE
What, you think I should become a prostitute?

STELLA
No. Although you’d probably do
well... No, I meant it’s too bad
you couldn’t just give Langdon
Spritzer a Kenzie special. He’d
dump Jules Blix. She’d go back to
acting and you’d get your script sold.

KENZIE
That’s awful. (Hold up photo of
Blix) Look at how happy she is.
Even though Spritzer is a scumbag,
I really like Jules. I wouldn’t
want to see her hurt.

STELLA
Oh, come on Kenzie. She might be
happy now, but you really think
he’s right for her? He’s already
made her give up her career. He’s
gonna keep her barefoot and
pregnant and while she’s all fat
and unhappy he’ll be off screwing
groupies while he’s on tour. You
said it yourself; he sleeps with so
many girls he makes them sign
waivers. You think that’s gonna change?

KENZIE
Probably not. But, I can’t...
He’s so slimy.

STELLA
Excuse me, Miss ‘I’ll blow a corpse
if it’ll save me three dollars at
Macy’s’. You wouldn’t suffer for
two minutes to sell your script for
a million bucks?

Kenzie is just about sold on the idea.

MARK
You’re not serious about this are
you? It’s a ridiculous idea.

STELLA
Why?

MARK
First, how could Kenzie get close
enough to even attempt it?

STELLA
You’ve got a point there.

KENZIE
He gave me his private cell number.

STELLA & MARK
What???

KENZIE
At the boutique. I threw it away,
but I imagine it’s still there.

MARK
Ok, but really... Really. As much
as guys love blowjobs, I highly
doubt you’re so orally talented
that two minutes with you could
make him dump Jules Blix.

KENZIE
I might have to dispute you on that one.

RUDOLPHO
Oh please. Every girl thinks she
gives the best head in the world,
but the truth is that no girl even
holds a candle to the least
talented guy. I mean how can a
girl, who obviously doesn’t have a
penis, fully understand how to
pleasure one as well as a man who’s
had one every day of his life?

MARK
That has been my experience too.

KENZIE
What do you want me to do? Prove
it by blowing you?

MARK
I am a connoisseur of receiving
fellatio, but I could never... I
mean I feel like your father...

STELLA
What would you do? Close your eyes
and pretend she’s a man?

MARK
Worked for twenty years with my
wife. But, really Kenzie, I’m
starting to feel uncomfortable even
talking about this.

She has already grabbed his hand and is pulling him
grudgingly off the couch and leading him to the bedroom.

KENZIE
Come on Kimo Sabi. It’ll be over
before you know it.

MARK
Kenzie, really... I can’t...
Really, no...

The bedroom door closes.

RUDOLPHO
No offense to your friend, but
after last night I doubt Mark will
even be able to get it up.

Stella continues reading on her laptop.

Rudolpho grabs a magazine and opens it.

A moment passes.

The bedroom door flies open and Mark storms out zipping up
his pants.

MARK
Come on. I’ll drive.

RUDOLPHO
Where are we going.

MARK
To the boutique to find that number.

Stella jumps up and Kenzie comes out of the bedroom wiping
her mouth.

MARK
And Rudolpho, maybe you could chat
with Kenzie some time and get some
pointers.

EXT. DUMPSTER BEHIND THE BOUTIQUE - LATER

Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are digging through garbage cans
beside the dumpster when Kenzie pops up from inside of it
waving a scrap of paper.

KENZIE
Got it!

INT. CAR - LATER

Kenzie is dialing Langdon on her cell.

KENZIE
Hello, is Langdon Spritzer there?
Who is this? It’s Ke-

She quickly hangs up.

STELLA
Was it him? What happened?

KENZIE
I almost told him my name.

STELLA
You’re not gonna tell him your name?

KENZIE
If Langdon Spritzer knows my name,
then Jules Blix will know my name.
And if Jules Blix knows that Kenzie
Hunter stole her fiance I doubt
Jules Blix will want to purchase
Kenzie Hunter’s script for a
million dollars.

STELLA
You have a point there.

MARK
Didn’t he see your name tag at the
boutique.

KENZIE
Hopefully he won’t remember.

RUDOLPHO
You know, Jules Blix should never
see you at all until Spritzer is
completely out of the picture.

KENZIE
Yes.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

KENZIE
Ok. I need to plan this out. From
a fake name and background to some
dialogue to act out on the phone.
It’s just like writing a script. I
can do this. I just need a little time.

MARK
Well, don’t take too much time.
Look at this.

He tosses her a newspaper.

KENZIE
(Reading) The US leg of Spritzers’
tour finished on Sunday night in
Los Angeles, the same night as his
first date with Blix that ended in
a marriage proposal... So?

MARK
Keep reading.

KENZIE
What? Blah, blah, blah... And
then... Wait... The wedding has
been planned for Saturday after
which Blix will be joining Spritzer
on the next leg of his
international tour beginning in
Australia on Sunday... Australia
on Sunday??? That give me four days!

Stella hands over her cell phone. Kenzie dials again.

KENZIE
Hi, is this Langdon Spritzer?
Ah... Me? I’m... (Cue on laptop)
Dell... Della... (Cue on water
bottle) Nestle... Yep, Della
Nestle. Uh-huh, like the candy
bar. Um, don’t you remember me? I
sold you that African statue at the
Chic Boutique the other day... Uh,
yeah, I heard... Well, you’re
welcome... Yes...
Congratulations... But, I was
thinking that since you’re going to
be married soon... Um, very
soon... That... Ah... You might
wanna have one last little fling
before you tie the knot.... You
and Jules have discussed it? She’s
ok with that?... You’re what?...
Accepting applications?... You
prefer multiple women?... At least
three?... Do I have... Well, um,
I could get a few friends... I
suppose... No, I don’t mind
signing a waiver... Call back when
I’m ready?... Slots are going
fast?... Well, alright... I...
Hello? Hello? (Pause) I might
need to rethink this.

Bathroom Door Ettiquette

So, I haven’t posted on my blog in a while and I’m not too happy about it. I realize it’s probably because I’ve been a little bit depressed. Normal stuff; Money problems, relationship problems, career problems, an overall sense of boredom with my life. You know, mid-life crisis things. Oh yeah, and a friend of mine killed himself recently. Still, it’s nothing that I’m too worried about. I mean, I’m not thinking of doing anything drastic, so there’s no need to talk me off a ledge or anything. I only bring it up because of one of the last things I told my buddy who commit suicide: “Buddy”, I said barely a week before he done the deed, “When you’re feeling like this one of the best things I’ve found is to channel your emotions into your writing. It will not only act as a type of therapy, but also help you accomplish something that you’ve wanted to do anyway!”

He didn’t take my advice.

But, I thought, hell, it would be pretty stupid of me not to take my own advice; especially since I feel it’s damned good advice.

The problem being that the reason I haven’t written in so long is lack of inspiration. Well, that’s a stupid reason. So, to get myself back on the horse I’ve decided to revert to the rant format I begun this blog with until the more creative stuff begins to flow again like it did the last time. There certainly isn’t a shortage of things in this wide world that piss me off. I just need to choose one. So, mundane as it may be, the first thing that came to mind after making the decision to write this was….

BATHROOM DOOR ETTIQUETTE

I know, it’s nothing the average person ever thinks about. I’m working in an office at the moment that is a converted house so the bathrooms are typical house bathrooms, not the industrial sort found in office buildings where there is no bathroom door ettiquette since those simply swing shut of their own accord and opening one wouldn’t cause anyone to need to quickly pull his pants up or cover her private bits.

So, here’s the deal: There are only four ways to leave a restroom when you’re finsihed with it and just one is correct. The four ways are: 1) Door open, light off 2)Door closed, light off 3) Door open, light on 4)Door closed, light on. Which is right? Number one, obviously! And I’ll explain why if you really need me to. It’s amazing to me how often I see the other three choices occur in my everyday life.

Let’s begin with number four shall we and work our way backward. Door closed, light on. This is the absolute worst and I can’t for the life of me figure out the logic of people who do this. First, it’s a waste of electricity to have a light on while a room is not in use. Second, it fools people who want to use the bathroom into believing someone is already inside! I mean, really, who wants to have to knock on the door and bother someone in the middle of taking a crap when you don’t have to. On the other hand who wants to be bothered while taking said crap. If everyone followed the rules, this little annoyance would be forever cut out of our lives.

Number three. Door open, light on. Well, if the door is open you immediately know if the room is in use or not. Again, a light on in an empty room is wasteful of electricity. I can sort of understand the concept if you’re having a party and you don’t want anyone stumbling into certain rooms while looking for the bathroom, but really, are your friends that stupid? No, don’t answer that! So, yes there are moments when it’s appropriate, but rarely.

Now to close the door when the light is off is still wrong. It forces a person to have to knock to find out if the room is occupied. A minor inconvienience to be sure, but if it’s not necessary at all… And I’ve already related the nuisance it is from the other side of the door. Or hey, maybe the person in the bathroom has his headphones on and can’t hear the knocking. Do you just barge in? Or if the door itself meets the floor or you have thick carpeting and can’t see if the light is on or off. Just too many damned variables that can cause embarrassment for all concerned.

And finally we have our savior, number one. When you’re through with the lavatory, switch off the light and depart the premises leaving the door WIDE open (not slightly ajar which can possibly be mistaken for closed). It’s the right thing to do for ALL the reasons listed above. Also please remember, that huge smelly crap we’ve so benevolently allowed you to take without bother, the foul scent of it dissipates far quicker if the room isn’t closed up!

Ok, yes, I know that was a ridiculous post you just spent the last 10 minutes reading. Hey, remember it was more for me then for you. Hopefully, they will get more entertaining. Oh yeah, and if you disagree with anything within the confines of this blog, please note that there isn’t even the most minute part of me that cares whatsoever.

So, until next time peoples!

If you enjoyed this rant PLEASE subscribe to my blog.
Comments are also MOST WELCOME

Short Script #2 - Con Couple

EXT. STREET – DAY

Close up on JOE DENVER as he sits in his car that’s rolling down the street.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I’m Joe Denver… Professional Con-artist.

As we pull back we see that Joe’s car, a new model expensive one, is being towed by AAA.

EXT. STREET – DAY – CONTINUOUS

The AAA GUY finishes lowering Joe’s car to the ground, gets in his truck, and drives off. Joe stands by his car waving.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
For the 100$ gold triple A membership I get unlimited
tows at 50 miles a pop. (pause) I haven’t bought gas in years…

INT. APARTMENT LOBBY – MAIL BOX

Joe stands by the mailboxes and sorts through a stack marked “OUTGOING MAIL”. He takes a few marked ‘NETFLIX’ while glancing about to make sure no one sees him.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I prefer to think of myself as a gentleman of opportunity. And there are so many opportunities available if you know where to look.

INT. APARTMENT STAIRWAY

Joe is climbing his staircase toward his unit.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I’ve been in this apartment for over ten years. It’s rent control. $900 a month.

INT. JOE’S APARTMENT

As Joe enters his place, his young roommate DAVE COOGAN walks by, says hi, and leaves for the day.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
That’s my roommate Dave. He pays $800 plus half the utilities and for this size place in this location, he’s ecstatic about that.


Joe stands at his kitchen table unloading his haul for the day. A few wallets, a watch, his netflix movies, some cash, etc.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
My motto is quantity over quality.

Then he takes his bag and empties it on the table and loads of knick-knacks come pouring out!

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Because you’re never sure what you might get.

Joe is looking at the netflix films he swiped. They are mostly movies no one would want to see, but the last one is something good.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
But, I usually do ok.

INT. BEDROOM – LATER

Joe lays on the bed in the dark of his tiny room before a HUGE TV. The light of the Tele dances off his face as he watches the film he stole.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Yeah, life is pretty good. But there was always something missing.

INT. BEDROOM – NEXT DAY

Joe sits at his computer going through CRAIG’S LIST PERSONAL ADS.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
It’s so hard to weed out the good from the bad.

He looks bored, clicking through ads.
He suddenly lunges forward, grabs his keyboard and begins typing.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Screw it! I’ll write everybody. (Pause) Of course I need to send a picture, too.

On the screen, we see a photo of Joe beside a photo of a male swimsuit model on photo shop. Suddenly Joes head floats over and covers the head of the model.

Joe clicks his mouse and leans back in his chair.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Now, we wait.

It doesn’t take long before the email icon on his screen begins flashing and the number of new emails starts flying!

JOE
Let the dating begin.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Joe is walking to the local STREET CAFE to meet his date du jour.

EXT. STREET CAFE - CONTINUOUS

Joe is on his phone and as he reaches the outside tables, a YOUNG LADY, also on a phone, waves hello.
They both hang up, hug hello, and Joe sits across from her.
The two begin chatting and Joe reaches across the table and takes her hand.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I really do want to fall in love with the woman of my dreams… But… Old habits die hard…

BEGIN MONTAGE

This might even have some silly ‘Monkee’s’ type music accompanying it like "I'm A Believer"

CLOSE UP:

Joes’ hand. He has removed the ring from the young lady’s finger!

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Joe and YOUNG LADY #2 are necking on the couch. Joe is nibbling her ear. She pushes him off and steps into her bedroom. Her arm comes out, finger wiggling for him to join her.

As the smile widens on his lips he subtly withdraws the DIAMOND EARRINGS he has removed from her ears and puts them in his pocket before following her.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

Joe kisses YOUNG LADY #3 on the cheek and heads for the bathroom leaving her at a table with LOT’S of EMPTY PLATES.


TIME CUT:

The WAITER waives the check before young lady #3 and as she disgustedly searches her purse for her wallet to pay the bill. She realizes even more disgustedly that it’s not only her date that is missing.

CUT TO:

INT. YOUNG LADY #4 BEDROOM – NIGHT

Joe is dressing while YOUNG LADY #4 lies asleep on the bed. He grabs a couple of trinkets before exiting the room.

EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS

Joe walks to his car while dialing on his cell phone.

CLOSE UP:

AAA on the cell phone screen.

Joe leans against his car waiting while perusing his take for the night.

END MONTAGE

JOE (VOICE OVER)
But then, I met her.

EXT. STREET CAFE

Joe sits at a table with STEPHANIE. They are both laughing and having a great time.

CLOSE UP

Joe is fiddling with the WATCH on Stephanie's wrist, but then he sets her hand on the table, pats it, and leans back in his chair.

JOE
You are phenomenal. This is the best first date I've ever had.

Stephanie apparently agrees, but there's something she's holding back.

STEPHANIE
Yeah, I can't believe I feel such a
connection.

JOE
Me too. Can I... Can we...
I'd really like to see you again.

STEPHANIE
I'd really like to see you again.
But...

JOE
But?

She pauses, but then chuckles and gets up.

STEPHANIE
But, I have to go to the bathroom
I'll be back in a sec.

Joe watches her walk off while checking out her ass.

TIME CUT:

The waiter walks by and drops off the check.
Understanding has dawned on Joe.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I didn't need to check the bathroom to know she wasn't there. Just as I didn't need to check my back pocket to know my wallet was missing.

EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER

Joe is walking home.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Well, it wasn't the first time I'd been bitten by a con. But... I really liked her... And despite the fact that I know she was acting... I really think she liked me too.

Joe turns a corner, stops and looks up, making a decision.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I suppose I should just forget about this whole thing...

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Joe speaks with DOUG, his best friend in con.
He has a photo that he shows Doug.

JOE
Thanks for helping, Doug. If anyone can track her down, I know you can. This is the picture she emailed me when we first met.

DOUG
Very cute. Well, if she's running cons in this city, we're gonna find her. Let's do it!

BEGIN MONTAGE #2

ELO - Evil Woman

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

MAN #1 stands irate at a table where a waiter holds a check and argues with him.
Joe and Doug interrupt and Doug shows the Man the photo. He pulls it from Doug's hand and shows it to the waiter, pointing angrily.

Joe and Doug exchange a knowing glance.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK - DAY

Joe and Doug come across a man (MAN #2) who is beaming happy, holding a VIOLIN. Doug shows him the photo and he nods his head smiling and points to a spot on the instrument.

CLOSE UP:

The signature on the violin reads "STATOVARIUS".
Doug wets his thumb and rubs it and the signature starts to rub off.
Man#2 looks shocked, and about to cry.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

Joe and Doug come across MAN#3 who is holding a sheaf of papers.
They show him the photo and he nods happily.

CLOSE UP: THE PAPERS


They are a new title for THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE
Doug pats him on the back as he and Joe exit.

MAN#3 waves goodbye happily.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Joe and Doug find the room filled with JAPANESE BUSINESS MEN who are in their underwear, bound and gagged.

Doug is showing them the photo of Stephanie and they are all nodding franticly.
Joe sighs in frustration at still not being able to find her.

The two leave the room.

Doug spots a GOLD WATCH on the dresser as he leaves and slyly SWIPES IT.

END MONTAGE

EXT. PARK - LATER

Joe and Doug are walking through the park.

DOUG
Man, this chick is really bad.

JOE
I know.

DOUG
I mean the cons she's pulling are awful.

JOE
Yeah.

DOUG
(Pause) If I was every gonna get married, she'd be the one.

JOE
Back off bro, she's mine!

DOUG
Well, it might not matter. I'm out of ideas. I don't think we're ever gonna find her.

Just at that moment Stephanie backs into Joe.

STEPHANIE
Ooops, sorry... Joe?

JOE
Stephanie?

They stand for a moment, each full of desire for the other and then...

Stephanie BOLTS!

Joe runs after her.

JOE
Wait! Stephanie! I don't care about my wallet.

They're making their way across the park and Stephanie's lead is getting bigger.

JOE
Stephanie! Come on!

Near the street there is a bike. Stephanie grabs it and jumps on.
Realizing he's just about to loose her Joe plays his final card.

JOE
Wait! I love you!

This freezes Stephanie in her tracks.
Joe uses his opportunity and closes the distance. Stephanie turns, but she's ready to bolt on the bike.

STEPHANIE
What are you talking about?

JOE
I had such a great time with you on our date. I realized it then. Look if you don't feel the same about me, just say it and I'll go, but I just had to tell you.

STEPHANIE
You know Joe, you're not the first guy who's wallet I've snatched.

JOE
I know. I've been following you for the last few days. I know about the Brooklyn Bridge, the Stratovarius, the Japanese business men.

STEPHANIE
And you still think you love me?

JOE
More then ever!

It's so obvious she wants him... but...

STEPHANIE
No. It'll never work out. I'm a liar. A cheat. A theif. Joe, I'm a con artist!

JOE
I know. So am I.

STEPHANIE
WHAT?!?!

JOE
Well, yeah...

STEPHANIE
Why didn't you say so?

And with that she drops the bike and jumps into his arms for a nice long kiss.
We hear the strains of THE WEDDING MARCH

JUMP CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

CLOSE UP:

Sign on the back of Joe's car reading "JUST MARRIED"
As we pull back we see a trail of cans that begin rattling as the car pulls off...


BEING TOWED BY A TRIPLE A TRUCK!

The PRIEST waves as they drive off. Then notices HIS WATCH IS MISSING!

THE END


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Short Story #1 - A Springfield Adventure

So, because of my deficiency in the art of short story writing I've been tasked by a friend to write 10 short stories (2,000 to 5,000 words) in the genres of her choosing over the next 10 days to two weeks or as long as it takes.

Hopefully you, my adoring public, will enjoy reading some of whatever gets dredged up and thrown down here. Comments and critiques are appreciated.

---Adult finds himself in a place he thought was fictional---

“OW~!”

Joe awoke with only the fuzziest recollection of what had occurred. Something had fallen off the shelf and struck him in the back of the head while he’d been bent over moving large cases of creamer. What had hit him? Was it Swiss cheese? Whatever it was had hurt like hell and knocked him unconscious.

“Bart, what happened?”

That voice was familiar. Except it wasn’t his assistant Hank. It was a girls voice.

“I didn’t do it.”

This one was a boy, also familiar, though Joe couldn’t place it either. Opening his eyes would probably clear the picture, but the thought of moving those particular muscles wasn’t working for him just that moment. One thing was certain; the two people hovering over his prone body were kids. They sounded somewhat younger then Hank who was seventeen and only working through the summer before he went away to college in Mississippi.

“Did you kill him?” The girl again.

“It’s a distinct possibility. Quick, you drag him home and get him in the bathtub. I’ll get a hacksaw and some lye and meet you there.”
Joe’s eyes fluttered open.

“Ahhhhh!”

“He’s not dead!” screeched the young blonde girl with the huge pearl necklace.

“Well quick! Kill him!” screeched the young blond boy with the spiky hair.

“Whoa. Hold on there kid”, said Joe sitting up. His hand crept to the base of his skull where a large painful lump was protruding.

The children lost all pretense of fear and the girl offered her hand to help Joe to his feet; which he accepted.

“You look fine now mister”, said the boy hopping on his skate board, “So, I guess it’s adios.”

With a deft hand the girl grabbed the boy by the shirt collar just as he was about to roll off. The board bounded down the sidewalk without it’s rider. “What my brother Bart is trying to say is that he’s sorry he almost accidentally killed you when he hit you with his skateboard”, and to her brother, “Say you’re sorry Bart.”

“You’re sorry Bart. Can I go now?”

The sour expression on the girls face explained everything her brother needed to know. His shoulders slumped as he realized he was there for the long haul and might end up getting in trouble over this situation to boot. “I’m sorry, mister.”

“It’s ok”, said Joe looking around quizzically, “Where am I?”

Bart’s eyes opened wide and he turned to his sister, “Lisa, he’s got that ambrosia thing where he can’t remember anything.”

“That’s amnesia, Bart”, corrected Lisa and then to Joe, “You can’t remember who you are?”

“I remember who I am”, answered Joe, “I’m Joe Patterson. It’s where I am or how I got here that I’m having a problem with.”

“That’s easy”, said Bart, “You’re in Springfield.” With that he freed himself of Lisa’s grasp and scurried after his skate board which had coasted to a stop a few houses down the block. “Well, my work here is done. Joe Patterson, I wish you all the best. Come on Lisa, we’re gonna be late for dinner.”

Lisa looked up at Joe, her enormous eyes nearly identical to her brothers. They were definitely siblings.

“He’s right Mr. Patterson”, Lisa began, “I do have to get home for dinner or I’ll get in trouble. But, my parents are having a dinner party tonight and I’m pretty sure Dr. Hibbert will be there. I’d feel much better if you came to my place and let the doctor take a look at you before I let you out of my sight.”

Joe wasn’t too good at telling people’s ages. Certainly Lisa was no older then eight or nine, but her demeanor belied a much older woman as well as someone imminently trustable. And since he really didn’t know where the hell he was and the bump on his head was pretty painful, the thought of seeing a doctor seemed sound advice. He accepted Lisa’s invitation and the two began strolling down the sidewalk together just as Bart skated around the corner way ahead of them.

By the time Lisa had led Joe into her home a complete sense of unreality had overtaken him. Not only was he unsure of where he was and how he had arrived there, but his surroundings had begun to look and feel pretty strange. He’d heard of having problems with one’s sight after a head injury. Concussions can cause a person’s eyes to dilate and with the increased light everything would appear so much more bright and colorful. However ‘bright and colorful’ didn’t even begin to explain how the world looked to Joe. Almost cartoonish was more like it.

There were people milling about the living room of Lisa’s house and she wound her way around them with Joe tagging behind until she stood before a tall portly black man in a blue suit. She introduced him to Joe as Dr. Hibbert and then enlightened the doctor about the accident which had occurred moments before. In no time Dr. Hibbert was poking and prodding Joe with instruments from a leather satchel that had been stowed out of the way under the end table beside the couch.

“And you say you can’t recall Bart running you down with his skate board?” asked the doctor in a deep mellow voice. He was shining a flashlight into Joe’s eyes.

“It’s not true I tell ya!”, shouted Bart from across the room with a mouth full of hors d’oeuvres. “It’s his word against mine. I wasn’t even there.”

“Shut up, boy.” Bart’s dad Homer was in no mood for any guff. Apparently this wasn’t the first time his son had been up to mischievousness that had followed him home. He smacked a fat hand across his forehead and ran it over his balding pate before stuffing a deviled egg into his own mouth which made his next few words rather slurred, “And stop eating all the appetizers!”

Homer’s wife Marge had come out of the kitchen and made a huge fuss over Joe. She’d introduced him to all the guests and invited him to stay for dinner. Joe refused until the overall friendliness of the groups insistence won him over.

“All I remember is coming too on the sidewalk”, answered Joe.

“What do you recall?” Dr. Hibbert had finished his exam and began putting tools back in his bag. Marge suggested that Joe tell his story once they were seated at the table as dinner was ready.

“I was working at the restaurant, putting stock away in the walk in fridge when something must have fallen off a shelf and hit me in the head.”

“Which restaurant is that?” asked Dr. Hibbert’s wife Bernice.

“Luther’s Steak House.”

“I’ve never heard of that place”, Professor Frink chimed in while scooping mashed potatoes onto his plate, “Where is it?”

“Magnolia and Eversong.”

“I know every road in Springfield”, said Chief Wiggum around a mouthful of corn, “and those two streets aren’t in Springfield. Where are you from, Joe?”

“I live in Los Angeles.” The questions were starting to unnerve Joe. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together.

As if to illustrate the point Homer said, “You hit your head in a refrigerator in L.A. and woke up on the sidewalk in Springfield?” He was filling his mouth at an alarming rate and no one besides Joe seemed put off by the chomping noises he made while eating.

Everyone at the table was at a loss. No one spoke for a few minutes and the only sound, aside from eating, in the room was little Maggie sucking on her pacifier.

“Well, believe it or not”, said Professor Frink, “This isn’t the first time I’ve heard of something like this happening in Springfield.”

All heads turned in his direction except Homer and Chief Wiggum who appeared to have begun some sort of scarfing competition between themselves and the platter of ribs.

“A few years ago I met a strange bearded man leading a horse on the beach wearing nothing but a loin cloth”, Frink continued.

“Oh”, said Marge a little flustered at the image.

“He was babbling on about a city of apes and the statue of liberty buried in the sand and all sorts of craziness. His story was barely coherent. Needless to say I thought he was insane. However, the more I questioned him the more I came to the realization that he was from an alternate dimension.”

“You don’t really believe that, do you?” asked Hibbert with a laugh.

“Oh yes, doctor. It’s no laughing matter. Alternate dimensions do exist. In fact, it just may be where this unfortunate gentleman is from.”

“So, what happened to the bearded stranger”, asked Joe barely able to contain himself.

“Oh”, said Frink matter of factly, “I took him back to my laboratory and sent him home in my alternate dimension collation machine.”

“Alternate… Dimension… Collation… Machine?” Marge voiced the question on everyone’s lips.

“Basically it’s a machine that keeps track of all the alternate dimensions in existence. If you put ten different objects from ten different dimensions inside it and turn it on, each object will be sent back to the dimension it comes from.”

“That’s amazing Professor Frink!” exclaimed Marge, “How does it work?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It came with the laboratory.”

“What are we waiting for?” said Dr. Hibbert rising from his chair, “Let’s put Joe here in the collator and send him home!”

With the most pitiful expression ever before seen on the face of a human being Homer asked, “Does this mean we don’t get dessert?”
　
　

After it was agreed that dessert would be served the moment they returned home the entire group loaded up into a few cars and raced to Professor Frink’s lab at the other end of town. It was a cluttered mess of beakers and Bunsen burners, cages of white mice and vials of smoking liquids. Alone in one corner stood a machine that looked very much like one of those booths where you get inside and for a nominal fee it takes a few snap shots of you. Printed on the front just beside the maroon curtain that acted as a door were the words “Alternate Dimension Collation Machine”.

“And you say you don’t know how it works”, whispered Joe, his mouth suddenly dry.

“Nope”, said Frink with a little too much cheer, “But it sure does work. That bearded guy disappeared like that.” She snapped his fingers for effect.

There was crash accompanied with a hiss and smoke billowed out into the room.

“I didn’t do it!” called Bart.

“Bart! Don’t touch anything”, warned Marge.

“That’s ok Mrs. Simpson”, said Frink nearly choking on his words, “It was just an experiment that I’ll never be able to duplicate that may have been a cure for cancer.” He paused and added, “As they say. Back to the old drawing board.”

It was Chief Wiggum who got the ball rolling, “So, let’s get the show on the road. I can’t wait to get back and try some of Mrs. Simpson’s apple pie.”

“Apple pie”, intoned Homer as his eyes glazed over and a string of drool leaked from the corner of his mouth.

Professor Frink pulled back the curtain and ushered Joe Patterson into the device. There was a padded bench on one side and Joe took a seat. Frink whipped the curtain closed. He began patting down his white lab coat, a confused look stretching his face which suddenly cleared when he said, “Hey, does anyone have a quarter to turn this thing on?”

Mrs. Wiggum dug one out of her purse and so she was afforded the honor of dropping the coin into the proper slot on the machine.

There was a hum followed by a loud bang and bright light that caused everyone to be momentarily blinded. When vision returned Bart ran up to the collator and whipped back the curtain. The machine was empty.

The show was over. Everyone filed back to the cars for the trip back to the Simpson residence.

“But how do you know it sent him to the right place?” asked Bart. “I mean for all we know there was a trap door in the floor of that thing that opens up to an incinerator in the room below.”

“I suppose you're right”, said Frink over a slice of apple pie, “But I’m fifty percent sure that trap door was nailed shut.”
　
　

The Simpson’s theme song rang in Joe’s head until he opened his eyes and it stopped. Directly in front of him was the small TV in his office. An episode of South Park had just begun. Joe was lying on the couch. Hank must have found him knocked out in the fridge and carried him in here. The Simpson’s had been on the tube while he was unconscious and that was obviously the impetus for that ridiculous dream.

Joe sighed. Thank god he was awake now. Still, he should definitely see a doctor. He could hear someone approaching and he swung his legs to the floor and sat up just in time to see an obese little boy in a red parka with a blue beanie on his head enter.

“Oy! Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my room?” yelled Eric Cartman. “Get out of here or I’ll kick you in the nuts!”


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