First 1/3 Of Untitled Comedy

INT. CAVE

This is an Indiana Jones’ type cave; dark and creepy. JULES
BLIX, (mid 20’s blonde who’s hot in a quirky sort of way)
dressed as a 40’s adventurer and her INDIAN GUIDE (dark,
muscular, handsome man) dressed in turban and loincloth are
carefully exploring. They both hold TORCHES.

Jules illuminates a series of tiny statuettes with her flame.

JULES
What are these?

INDIAN GUIDE
Traps. Don’t touch them.

JULES
How do they work?

INDIAN GUIDE
If you try to lift one, poison
spikes will shoot at you from out
of nowhere.

He shines his light on DEAD BODIES that lie nearby to prove
his point.

INDIAN GUIDE
To deter thieves.

JULES
Poison, you say? The secret ginju
poison? The only known substance
that can kill the great and evil
Kaliram?

INDIAN GUIDE
I suppose so, but...

Jules begins grabbing dead bodies and leaning them against
her, effectively creating a shield.

INDIAN GUIDE
What are you doing?

Suddenly, in quick succession she grabs three statues in a
row. A dozen poison darts shoot out from various angles; all
striking the corpses.

The Indian Guide leaps back and makes the sign of warding off
evil spirits at her.

Jules has already dropped the bodies and has retrieved
SUPPLIES from her PACK.

CLOSE UP - ON A DART

There is a viscous green fluidy gunk on the shaft. With a
SWAB and TONGS Jules is filling a small receptacle with GINJU
POISON.

JULES
It seems the great and evil Kaliram
was generous enough to supply us
with a method to kill him after all.

INDIAN GUIDE
You’re crazy.

JULES
Crazy like a beaver!

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE HUNTER

Kenzie’s in her late 20’s or early 30’s. She’s a cute blonde
who, if you squinted at her while looking through a strobe
light in an otherwise dark room would look strikingly similar
to Jules Blix.

KENZIE
(softly, to herself)
Crazy like a beaver!

INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS

Jules stands and puts the collected poison in her pack.

JULES
Can you find the Kaliram in this
ridiculous maze?

INDIAN GUIDE
I think so.

JULES
Then let’s go Gunga Din. It’s
payback time!

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE

KENZIE
(softly to herself)
It’s payback time!

Reveal: We are actually in Kenzie’s living room and she’s
enrapt in the Jules Blix film on the TV. She would be in
heaven if it weren’t for the fact that her date TODD LIPSCOMB
was at DEFCON 5 doing some serious necking while attempting
unsuccessfully to remove her bra.

KENZIE
Oh! Great idea!

TODD
What? What was that?

Kenzie realizes for the first time in a bit that she’s not
alone.

KENZIE
Hey Todd, this has been a wonderful
first date, but I just remembered
that I have to go to work now.

Todd leans back, shocked.

TODD
At midnight?

KENZIE
Yeah.

TODD
Stella said you were cool.

KENZIE
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

TODD
Look Kenzie, I spent almost twenty
dollars on dinner. I think that
should get me some quality time
with you.

He dives back in at her neck and bra.

Kenzie can only roll her eyes. She waits a moment
impatiently and then reaches a decision.

She pushes him off, but before he can object she GOES DOWN ON
HIM.

TODD
Oh ok. (Pause) WOW! I’ve never
felt anything like that! Holy shit
you’re amazing. (Pause... heavy
breathing) No wait... If you keep
that up I’m gonna... I’m gonna...
I’m gonna--

CUT TO:

EXT. KENZIE’S FRONT DOOR

Todd is on the outside. Kenzie is inside.

KENZIE
Come again.

She tosses him his jacket and keys.

TODD
I’d love to! And maybe next time I
could do it in your--

SLAM goes the door!

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Office is probably overstating it a bit. Kenzie’s bedroom
closet (not a walk-in, but a regular closet) has been
converted to a workspace complete with PC and all the
accoutrements.

Her Keyboard and mouse are on a tray table.
On the monitor, obvious by its unique format is a SCREENPLAY.
In the background Kenzie is gargling. She spits, rinses,
wipes, and comes to her makeshift desk to sit. She cracks
her knuckles and begins typing up a storm.

CUT TO:

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - MORNING

Kenzie is still seated, slumped over, cradling her keyboard
like a pillow. The monitor shows a bunch of gobblygook that
her cheeks typed while she slept.

KENZIE
Oh man.

She starts a rapid fire of the back space button until she
notices the time. She’s late for work!

KENZIE
Shit!

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - LATER

This is an upscale boutique in BEVERLY HILLS.

Kenzie pins on her name tag while sneaking to her station in
KEEPSAKES.

STELLA (Kenzie’s best friend whose only interest in life is
finding a husband before menopause), who works in FINE
CRYSTAL strolls by.

STELLA
Kenzie’s late again.

KENZIE
Kenzie overslept. Did Mr. Pinkston notice?

STELLA
Oh yes. But Kenzies’ wonderful
friend Stella covered for her yet again.

KENZIE
As per usual, Kenzie owes her
wonderful friend Stella. Anything
I should know if Mr. Pinkston asks?

STELLA
Yes. It’s that time of the month again.

KENZIE
It’s always that time of the month.

STELLA
Don’t I know it. So Todd said you
guys had quite the eventful date
last night.

KENZIE
Todd’s a dick. He took me to
Quizno’s for dinner.

STELLA
He said you were all over him.

KENZIE
Hardly. He forced my hand.

STELLA
I heard it was your mouth, not your
hand and there was no forcing
necessary.

KENZIE
He wouldn’t leave and I wanted to
get back to my script.

STELLA
You and your script. If I could
give head like you I’d use it to
get men to stay, not to get them to leave.

KENZIE
What man do I want to stay?
Someone like Peter?

STELLA
What was wrong with Peter?

KENZIE
He was a douche! I still have no
idea why you accepted his proposal.

STELLA
He got me pregnant.

KENZIE
He wouldn’t have gotten you
pregnant if you hadn’t poked holes
in all his condoms.

STELLA
He might have.

KENZIE
You’re just lucky he ended up
getting 20 to life before it was
too late to get an abortion.

STELLA
(sigh) I suppose so.

An elderly CUSTOMER approaches Kenzie.

CUSTOMER
Excuse me Miss? Can I get some help?

KENZIE
Of course. What can I do for you?

The customer points to an expensive, one of a kind, beautiful
CANDLESTICK HOLDER in a locked case.

CUSTOMER
I’d like to see that candle stick
holder. I think it might be
perfect for my daughter-in-law.

KENZIE
What? This one? Oh, you don’t
want that one.

CUSTOMER
Why not? It’s a Fulston original.
It’s gorgeous.

KENZIE
No, no, no. (whispering) It’s fake.

CUSTOMER
What?

KENZIE
Yeah. It’s not even a good copy.
Don’t tell anyone, but we have a
whole case of them in the back.
Let me show you something over here
that I’m sure your daughter-in-law
will love.

She leads the customer away.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

It’s her lunch break so Kenzie is eating while she drives her
HYUNDAI. The radio is on. As the current song ends:

RADIO DJ
And tonight Brit rocker Langdon
Spritzer will be performing before
a sold out crowd. So to get you
all started, here’s his newest
megahit... Wash my socks and do me!

An incredibly tasteless, tuneless, power chord laden song
begins. Kenzie switches the radio off.

KENZIE
How did that no talent idiot get so
famous and I can’t get a script sold?

Kenzie parks on the street and as she’s paying the meter a
bus pulls directly in front of her forcing her to view the
huge picture on its side. It’s LANGDON SPRITZER’S new album
cover entitled GROWL. Naturally it’s a picture of Spritzer
in the midst of a ridiculous growl.

Underneath reads: Includes new hit “Wash My Socks And Do Me!”

KENZIE
Jesus...

INT. IVAN’S OFFICE

IVAN is a big, fat, smarmy Russian who is also Kenzie’s
LITERARY AGENT.

IVAN
Ah Kenzie! How is my favorite
screenwriter?

KENZIE
Ah Ivan. How is my favorite
completely useless agent?

IVAN
Useless? I’m out there every day
slugging away just for you.

KENZIE
Well, maybe you should think about
taking people out to lunch instead
of punching them. It might help
you sell a script.

IVAN
Lunches cost money. You paying for
them with boutique job?

KENZIE
I can’t even pay my rent with my
boutique job. That’s why I need
you to sell my screenplays.

IVAN
Ya, ya, ya. How is new script coming?

KENZIE
Good. I had a great idea and was
writing all last night. But what
about the old script? The one I
finished months ago that you’ve
done nothing with?

IVAN
Nothing? I show it all over town.
No actress wants to play role.
They all turn it down.

KENZIE
That’s because you’re showing it to
the wrong actresses.

IVAN
I just heard back from actress from
Twilight.

KENZIE
What did she say?

IVAN
She said no.

KENZIE
Good! Because if she’d have said
yes I would have stuck a gun up my
vagina and pulled the trigger! I
don’t want the girl from Twilight
in my movie. The Naked Corpse is a
Jules Blix movie. I wrote it for
Jules Blix and only Jules Blix can
play the lead. She’s perfect. No
one else is right for the part, so
of course these other actresses are
turning it down.

IVAN
Jules Blix! Jules Blix! Jules
Blix is big star. How you expect
me to get her script?

KENZIE
You got it to the girl from Twilight.

Ivan grunts.

KENZIE
You’re an agent. You’re supposed
to have connections. Why do you
think I signed with you?

IVAN
Because no one else in the city
would represent you. Look, Kenzie,
go home. Finish new script. Let
me worry about Naked Corpse. I
have cousin whose girlfriends
mother has manicurist whose
astrologist does reading for Jules
Blix’s mother. I’ve been working
connection for little while. But,
don’t hold breath.

KENZIE
Manicurist... Girlfriend... What?

IVAN
Go home. Type, type, type. I call
when I have news.

INT. KENZIE’S APARTMENT HALLWAY - LATER

Kenzie is clomping dejectedly down the hallway. As she
passes her neighbor MARK’s door it opens and a guy who looks
like the dad from Father Knows Best leans out.

MARK
Kenzie... How are you today?

KENZIE
Fine Mark. Just frustrated by my
agent again. How are you?

MARK
Fine... Are you sure you’ve no
other problems?

He inclines his head toward her door where there’s a PINK
NOTICE taped. Kenzie yanks it off.

KENZIE
Sonofabitch! My paycheck must not
have cleared in time.

MARK
Anything I can help with?

KENZIE
No, no. I’m sure it’s cleared by
now. I’ll just have to write
another rent check and pay the
bouncing fee... And the late
charge... Oh man.

MARK
If you change your mind don’t be
afraid to ask. I can help. It
would just be a loan. I know
you’re good for it.

KENZIE
No help needed, but thanks. Unless
you can find me a husband.

MARK
As you know, I’ve already been
married and divorced and the sort
of men I’m interested in these days
aren’t the marrying type if you
know what I mean. But, I’ll keep
an eye out for you.

KENZIE
Thanks.

Mark’s door has closed during the chat and when he tries to
open it, it’s stuck.

MARK
Damned door keeps sticking.

He jerks it open.

MARK
Thanks god. Last time I had to get
the maintenance man to get it open.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kenzie plays her answering machine messages as she strolls
about her place unwinding.

Message #1:

PHIL
Hi Kenzie. It’s Phil... Phil
Shazinsky... From high school...
Again... Um... I’ve called a few
times... Look, I’ll say it again, I have not
been able to get you out of my head
for the last 15 years! Please...
Call me.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL BLEACHERS - FLASH BACK

As the message plays a much younger Kenzie is making out with
a young Phil on the bleachers. After a moment she goes down
on him.

CLOSE UP - PHIL’S FACE

Phil’s face contorts in extreme pleasure.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT - FLASH BACK

Oafish RALPH talks on and on and on at his car as Kenzie,
bored out of her mind listens while wracking her brain for a
method of escape. She tries to open the car door, but Ralph
casually leans on it, still talking.

Finally, Kenzie looks around and drops to her knees.

Ralph goes ramrod straight as if he’s been struck by
lightening. His eyes go wide.

As this little scene plays out in pantomime Message #2:

RALPH
Hey, it’s Ralph. Remember me?
Stella’s friend? We went out last
month. I don’t know why you won’t
call me back. We had such a great
time talking that night and then
you... Well, we obviously had some
chemistry if you know what I mean.
I’d love to do that again. So call me.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - FLASH BACK

RICHARD is sprawled out, spent in sheer bliss on a big comfy
chair as Kenzie rises up from between his legs with a DIAMOND
RING in her hand, NODDING “YES”.

Message #3:

RICHARD
Kenzie. It’s Richard... Look, I
know you turned me down when I
proposed to you that time... I
mean when you eventually found out
I was already married...

INT. RICHARDS HOUSE - FLASH BACK

Richard, his wife and three young children are eating dinner
as Kenzie bursts in. She throws the ring at Richard and
stalks out. Richards wife is not happy.

Message #3 (continued):

RICHARD
But, I’m single now and that
marriage proposal still stands...
I really, really want to see you
again. Call me.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM

Message #4:

JOE
Kenzie baby! It’s Joe-

Kenzie, now dressed in a comfy robe stops the machine. She
notices there are 12 more messages.

KENZIE
I get it! I give a great blowjob!
Christ people!

She presses delete over and over until the machine is clear.

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER

Kenzie sits before her work, glancing at her surroundings for
inspiration.

On the wall of the inside of her closet are various posters
of Jules Blix movies. Each has her with a wicked smile and a
handsome guy.

After a moment she starts typing.

INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER

Kenzie is still working. She has a bowl of cereal that she’s
crunching away on.

The phone rings and Kenzie answers while continuing to type
with her free hand.

KENZIE
I’m working on my screenplay, Stella.

STELLA
Did I ever introduce you to my
cousin Rob?

KENZIE
Short and prematurely bald with a
lousy comb over?

STELLA
He’s gonna be in town next week.
You two should go out.

KENZIE
Um... He short and prematurely
bald with a lousy comb over.

STELLA
If you only look for the bad in
people you’ll never see any of the
good. Rob’s a really nice guy,
Kenzie. You know, one day you need
to realize that there are no men
like the ones you make up in your
little movie scripts. Come back to
the real world.

KENZIE
One day... I gotta go Stella, I’m
right in the middle of a pivotal scene.

She hangs up and looks back toward the pictures of Jules Blix
who is still all smiles with various gorgeous guys.

And she’s sad.

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - NEXT DAY

Kenzie has the same sad and wistful expression on her face as
she watches a couple shop. Neither is perfect in any way,
but they seem genuinely happy and in love with each other.
As she turns her head, standing directly before her is
LANGDON SPRITZER. He is every inch the Rock God. He’s
wearing dark shades and staring silently at her.

She recognizes him, but looks back blankly.

He continues to stares until it’s uncomfortable.

KENZIE
Can I help you?

Langdon stares a bit longer and then makes a ridiculous
growling noise.

KENZIE
Are you having some kind of seizure?

LANGDON
It’s my signature growl... It’s
famous... I’m Langdon Spritzer...
The rock star... I’m very famous.

KENZIE
(shrugs) Sorry.

LANGDON
That’s actually very refreshing.

KENZIE
Can I help you?

LANGDON
Yeah. I got me a first date
tonight and I wanna get her
something that makes me look
thoughtful and charming. You know,
something that’ll get me in her
knickers.

KENZIE
Ah. Well, I imagine you’re going
to ply her with alcohol?

LANGDON
Hell yeah.

KENZIE
Then you might want to try this.

She leads him to a very stylized whiskey flask.

KENZIE
And fill it with the poison of your
choice. You can even get it
engraved. Something tasteful like,
“Wash my socks and do me”.

LANGDON
Ha! See! You have heard of me and
you didn’t even know it! That’s my
song. I sing it.

KENZIE
Really. Wow. What a coincidence.

LANGDON
You know, I wrote it too.

KENZIE
Oh yeah? So, what about that flask.

LANGDON
I love it! I’ll take 50.

KENZIE
Fifty?!?

LANGDON
Yeah. Oh, not for the girl. I
think I might mail them out as
like, Christmas cards or some such.
No, for the girl I was thinking of
something a little more subtle
(mispronounced).

KENZIE
Sub-tell?

LANGDON
Yeah.

KENZIE
Well, we don’t sell condoms here.

LANGDON
That’s ok I don’t use them. I make
girls I sleep with sign a waiver.
(pause) Hey, what about that?

He points to the Fulston Candle Stick Holder.

KENZIE
No. No, I doubt she would
appreciate that.

LANGDON
Five thousand dollars for a candle
stick holder; she’d better
appreciate it.

KENZIE
Maybe if you’re dating Jules Blix.

LANGDON
Jules Blix?

KENZIE
Jules Blix. She’s an actress.
She’s very famous... Never mind.

LANGDON
Why is it good for her?

Kenzie isn’t sure she wants to tell this story, but then she
confides:

KENZIE
A few months ago Jules Blix came
in. I was helping her and we
became really friendly and...
Anyway, she totally fell in love
with that candle stick holder. She
was gonna buy it but she forgot her
wallet and said she’d come back for
it. So, I’m sort of unofficially
holding it for her.

LANGDON
I’ll take it.

KENZIE
No. Didn’t you hear what I just
said? I’m holding it for Jules Blix.

LANGDON
Unofficially... And after a few
months I highly doubt she’s coming back.

KENZIE
I don’t care what you doubt you
pompous asshole.

LANGDON
Ooooh. Spunky.

KENZIE
Ooooh. Slimy.

LANGDON
I think you’re just my type.

KENZIE
I think you’re just an idiot.

Kenzie’s officious boss Mr. PINKSTON walks over.

MR. PINKSTON
And what’s going on here?

KENZIE
Nothing Mr. Pinkston.

LANGDON
Nothing? This very beautiful and
very modest sales clerk of yours
just sold me that five thousand
dollar candle stick holder. I’d
say that’s something alright.
Quite a feather in her cap, in fact.

MR. PINKSTON
I’m so glad Miss Hunter was able to
help you. Ah, the Fulston
original. Excellent choice.
Kenzie, why don’t you wrap that
for Mr. Spritzer and I’ll ring him up.

LANGDON
You know who I am?

MR. PINKSTON
Of course, Mr. Spritzer. I’m a big fan.

LANGDON
Please, call me Langdon.

Livid, Kenzie grabs the piece from the case and takes it to

INT. STOREROOM - CONTINUOUS

Angrily, she gets material to box and wrap it. She notices a
very vulgar African Statuette with a huge PHALLUS that is
about the same size as the candlestick holder and gets a
wicked idea.

This new piece gets wrapped up and the Fulston is hidden away
on a back shelf.

INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - MOMENTS LATER

Kenzie puts the wrapped package on the counter.

KENZIE
Here you go.

Langdon hands her a slip of paper.

LANGDON
And here you go.

KENZIE
What’s this?

LANGDON
That’s my personal cell phone
number. I have a concert tonight
and then I’m going out with candle
stick girl. But maybe we can go
out tomorrow. Call me. Eh, not
too early, you know. I’ll need
time to get rid of candle stick
girl and ah, maybe grab a shower.

KENZIE
You’re scum.

LANGDON
You’re so cute.

He grabs the package and waggles his hand by his head in the
international sign for ‘call me’ and exits.

KENZIE
What an ass.

She flicks the paper with his number in the garbage.

Stella shuffles over from Fine Crystal

STELLA
Wasn’t that Langdon Spritzer?

KENZIE
I guess.

STELLA
He’s so cute... And you know what
the women call him, right?

KENZIE
No.

STELLA
Instead of Langdon, it’s Long Dong.

KENZIE
Why? Is he Chinese?

STELLA
Huh?

Kenzie’s cell rings. It’s Ivan.

KENZIE
It’s my agent. Cover for me for a
sec, ok? Hello?

A jumble of excited Russian comes out of the ear piece.

KENZIE
What? Ivan? Calm down. I can’t
understand you. Speak English.

IVAN
Astrologist! Astrologist! (more
Russian)

KENZIE
What? Ivan. What’s the matter?

IVAN
Naked Corpse! I got Jules Blix to
read Naked Corpse!

KENZIE
What? Oh my god!

IVAN
(Russian, Russian) She loved it!
She wants her personal production
company to option it so it can be
her next movie! She offered one
million dollars!

KENZIE
Are you sure?

IVAN
I talk to her myself. Paperwork
will be here first thing in
morning. (Russian, Russian)
Remember, 15% off top for agent!
(laughing) 15%! (more laughing)
Happy days are here! I call when I
need you sign papers! (laughing)

He hangs up.

STELLA
What’s the matter?

KENZIE
I sold my script! I sold my script
for a million dollars!

The two women scream, jump up and down, and hug.

KENZIE
Oh my god. Cover for me. I’ve
gotta get out of here.

STELLA
Screw that. I’m coming with you.
Let’s party!

INSERT MONTAGE OF INCREDIBLY WILD AND FUNNY PARTYING IN
TIJUANA

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Kenzie’s place looks even worse then the hotel room in The
Hangover after the drugs wore off (perhaps minus the
chicken). Kenzie, lying half on and half off the couch,
wakes up just in time to fall to the floor.

She gets up and staggers to her

INT. KENZIE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Past the gorgeous, COMPLETELY NAKED MAN sitting on her bed,
and over to the toilet where she relieves herself.

When she’s done she staggers back toward the living room when
she finally notices the man, RUDOLPHO and his HUGE PENIS.

KENZIE
Ah! Hi.

RUDOLPHO
Hello. Hey, thanks again for last night.

KENZIE
Oh, it was... It was... My pleasure.

RUDOLPHO
Sorry if I was annoying. I can get
a little loud. You weren’t
uncomfortable, were you?

KENZIE
(Staring at his dick)
Uncomfortable? Um. Not that I remember.

There’s a knock at the front door.

KENZIE
Um, I have to... Uh...

She bolts for the door and answers it. It’s her neighbor
Mark.

MARK
They finally got the door unstuck.
The landlord said it shouldn’t
happen again, but I’m not holding
my breath.

KENZIE
Who cares. I have problems.
There’s a gorgeous naked man in my
bedroom with a HUGE... Thing.

MARK
By thing, I’m guessing you’re
talking about a penis?

KENZIE
Yes!

MARK
Obviously, you mean Rudolpho.

KENZIE
Rudolpho?

MARK
Wow, you were more drunk last night
then I thought. I picked up
Rudolpho at a club and when we got
back here you were sprawled half
naked, asleep in your open doorway,
snoring, with your hand still on
the doorknob. My damned door got
stuck again and you graciously
offered us your bed for out carnal
delight. I’d apologize for keeping
you up all night, but it’s clear
that we didn’t.

KENZIE
Oh, I’m not sure if I’m relieved or
disappointed.

They’ve made their way into the living room where Rudolpho
has now joined them, still naked as a jay.

He kisses Mark good morning.

MARK
Why don’t you cover yourself up
before you hurt someone with that thing.

RUDOLPHO
K.

KENZIE
(Quickly) No, it’s ok, you don’t
have to cover up on my account.

Too late. He’s gone.

KENZIE
Oh, my head. I need some aspirin.

MARK
Might wanna check your answering
machine. Your phone was ringing
off the hook all night.

KENZIE
Probably just a bunch of jerks from
Tijuana who want to propose.

She glances at the machine after downing some drugs. There
are 158 messages.

KENZIE
Holy shit! What did I do last night?

She presses play.

IVAN
(message #1) Kenzie? You hear
news? Call me immediately.

IVAN
(message #2) Kenzie, is Ivan.
Where are you? Call me back.

IVAN
(message #3) Kenzie? I hope you
not do anything stupid. Is Ivan.
Call me when you get this.

KENZIE
Uh-oh.

IVAN
(message #4) Is Ivan again. Call
me.

Kenzie stops the player and dials Ivan.

KENZIE
Ivan. It’s Kenzie. What... What?... WHAT?

CUT TO:

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Kenzie, Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are lounging. Stella is
reading from a laptop while everyone else has a newspaper or
magazine.

There are a stack of them scattered on the floor all with
photos of Jules Blix and Langdon Spritzer.

STELLA
(Reading) After a twenty-four hour
whirlwind romance superstar actress
Jules Blix and rock icon Langdon
Spritzer have announced their
engagement. Said Blix, “Langdon
gave me this amazing African statue
on our first date and I knew I was
completely smitten”. Awww.

KENZIE
I do not believe that... But why
quit acting.

MARK
(Reading) Blix and Spritzer have
decided that she will give up her
successful career in film to become
a housewife and raise little
Jules’s and Langdon’s to the dismay
of many production companies that
she’d signed deals with.

KENZIE
And one poor screenwriter that she
didn’t quite yet. I think I’m
gonna be sick. Well, at least I
still have my job at the boutique.

STELLA
Um... You don’t remember telling
Mr. Pinkston he could shove his job
up his wife’s fat ass and then suck
it out with a straw?

KENZIE
Please tell me you’re kidding...
Why didn’t you stop me? You’re
supposed to be my best friend.

STELLA
At the time I thought you were a
millionaire. It was all I could do
not to cheer you on. I mean, I
didn’t want to loose my job too.

KENZIE
Oh, God. Mark, remember when you
offered me that loan?

MARK
Yeah. But, that was when I knew
you were good for it. Now you’re
unemployed and a bad credit risk.

KENZIE
Christ. What am I gonna do?

The phone rings.

STELLA
Want me to get that?

KENZIE
Let the machine get it.

Message:

TODD
Hi Kenzie. It’s Todd. We went out
a few nights ago. I would really,
really like to see you again. Give
me a call and let’s set something up.

MARK
Well there you go. The answer to
your problems. That boy sounds
like he’s ready to propose over the
phone. Get married real quick and
then divorce him and take all his money.

STELLA
He doesn’t have any money or I
would have already married him
myself instead of fixing him up
with Kenzie.

KENZIE
And he’s a jerk. I had to give him
a sympathy blowjob just to get him
to leave.

RUDOLPHO
Wouldn’t it be nice if giving
blowjobs could make all our
troubles go away.

After a moment to ponder this thought:

STELLA
Actually, maybe it could.

KENZIE
What, you think I should become a prostitute?

STELLA
No. Although you’d probably do
well... No, I meant it’s too bad
you couldn’t just give Langdon
Spritzer a Kenzie special. He’d
dump Jules Blix. She’d go back to
acting and you’d get your script sold.

KENZIE
That’s awful. (Hold up photo of
Blix) Look at how happy she is.
Even though Spritzer is a scumbag,
I really like Jules. I wouldn’t
want to see her hurt.

STELLA
Oh, come on Kenzie. She might be
happy now, but you really think
he’s right for her? He’s already
made her give up her career. He’s
gonna keep her barefoot and
pregnant and while she’s all fat
and unhappy he’ll be off screwing
groupies while he’s on tour. You
said it yourself; he sleeps with so
many girls he makes them sign
waivers. You think that’s gonna change?

KENZIE
Probably not. But, I can’t...
He’s so slimy.

STELLA
Excuse me, Miss ‘I’ll blow a corpse
if it’ll save me three dollars at
Macy’s’. You wouldn’t suffer for
two minutes to sell your script for
a million bucks?

Kenzie is just about sold on the idea.

MARK
You’re not serious about this are
you? It’s a ridiculous idea.

STELLA
Why?

MARK
First, how could Kenzie get close
enough to even attempt it?

STELLA
You’ve got a point there.

KENZIE
He gave me his private cell number.

STELLA & MARK
What???

KENZIE
At the boutique. I threw it away,
but I imagine it’s still there.

MARK
Ok, but really... Really. As much
as guys love blowjobs, I highly
doubt you’re so orally talented
that two minutes with you could
make him dump Jules Blix.

KENZIE
I might have to dispute you on that one.

RUDOLPHO
Oh please. Every girl thinks she
gives the best head in the world,
but the truth is that no girl even
holds a candle to the least
talented guy. I mean how can a
girl, who obviously doesn’t have a
penis, fully understand how to
pleasure one as well as a man who’s
had one every day of his life?

MARK
That has been my experience too.

KENZIE
What do you want me to do? Prove
it by blowing you?

MARK
I am a connoisseur of receiving
fellatio, but I could never... I
mean I feel like your father...

STELLA
What would you do? Close your eyes
and pretend she’s a man?

MARK
Worked for twenty years with my
wife. But, really Kenzie, I’m
starting to feel uncomfortable even
talking about this.

She has already grabbed his hand and is pulling him
grudgingly off the couch and leading him to the bedroom.

KENZIE
Come on Kimo Sabi. It’ll be over
before you know it.

MARK
Kenzie, really... I can’t...
Really, no...

The bedroom door closes.

RUDOLPHO
No offense to your friend, but
after last night I doubt Mark will
even be able to get it up.

Stella continues reading on her laptop.

Rudolpho grabs a magazine and opens it.

A moment passes.

The bedroom door flies open and Mark storms out zipping up
his pants.

MARK
Come on. I’ll drive.

RUDOLPHO
Where are we going.

MARK
To the boutique to find that number.

Stella jumps up and Kenzie comes out of the bedroom wiping
her mouth.

MARK
And Rudolpho, maybe you could chat
with Kenzie some time and get some
pointers.

EXT. DUMPSTER BEHIND THE BOUTIQUE - LATER

Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are digging through garbage cans
beside the dumpster when Kenzie pops up from inside of it
waving a scrap of paper.

KENZIE
Got it!

INT. CAR - LATER

Kenzie is dialing Langdon on her cell.

KENZIE
Hello, is Langdon Spritzer there?
Who is this? It’s Ke-

She quickly hangs up.

STELLA
Was it him? What happened?

KENZIE
I almost told him my name.

STELLA
You’re not gonna tell him your name?

KENZIE
If Langdon Spritzer knows my name,
then Jules Blix will know my name.
And if Jules Blix knows that Kenzie
Hunter stole her fiance I doubt
Jules Blix will want to purchase
Kenzie Hunter’s script for a
million dollars.

STELLA
You have a point there.

MARK
Didn’t he see your name tag at the
boutique.

KENZIE
Hopefully he won’t remember.

RUDOLPHO
You know, Jules Blix should never
see you at all until Spritzer is
completely out of the picture.

KENZIE
Yes.

INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER

KENZIE
Ok. I need to plan this out. From
a fake name and background to some
dialogue to act out on the phone.
It’s just like writing a script. I
can do this. I just need a little time.

MARK
Well, don’t take too much time.
Look at this.

He tosses her a newspaper.

KENZIE
(Reading) The US leg of Spritzers’
tour finished on Sunday night in
Los Angeles, the same night as his
first date with Blix that ended in
a marriage proposal... So?

MARK
Keep reading.

KENZIE
What? Blah, blah, blah... And
then... Wait... The wedding has
been planned for Saturday after
which Blix will be joining Spritzer
on the next leg of his
international tour beginning in
Australia on Sunday... Australia
on Sunday??? That give me four days!

Stella hands over her cell phone. Kenzie dials again.

KENZIE
Hi, is this Langdon Spritzer?
Ah... Me? I’m... (Cue on laptop)
Dell... Della... (Cue on water
bottle) Nestle... Yep, Della
Nestle. Uh-huh, like the candy
bar. Um, don’t you remember me? I
sold you that African statue at the
Chic Boutique the other day... Uh,
yeah, I heard... Well, you’re
welcome... Yes...
Congratulations... But, I was
thinking that since you’re going to
be married soon... Um, very
soon... That... Ah... You might
wanna have one last little fling
before you tie the knot.... You
and Jules have discussed it? She’s
ok with that?... You’re what?...
Accepting applications?... You
prefer multiple women?... At least
three?... Do I have... Well, um,
I could get a few friends... I
suppose... No, I don’t mind
signing a waiver... Call back when
I’m ready?... Slots are going
fast?... Well, alright... I...
Hello? Hello? (Pause) I might
need to rethink this.

Adaptation Of Neil Gaiman's "Murder Mysteries"

INT. CELL - TIMELESS

The CELL is small, closet like. It's walls look like glowing frosted white glass.
What appears to be a man, stands UNMOVING inside.

The DOOR OPENS and the ANGEL (LUCIFER) appears. Lucifer is radiantly beautiful, male in appearance, and like all angels has WINGS and seems to GLOW FROM WITHIN.

LUCIFER
I am Lucifer, Captain of the Host.
I have been sent to call you into being.
You are Raguel. Vengeance of the Lord.

The NEWLY NAMED (RAGUEL) moves for the first time; bowing his head.

LUCIFER
There has been a... a wrong thing. The first of its
kind. You are needed.

Lucifer turns and exits. Raguel follows.

EXT. CELL - CONTINUOUS

Apparently MILLIONS of these cells are stacked upon each other with the figure of an angel in each one. The one Raguel just left is now empty.

EXT. STREET AT THE EDGE OF THE SILVER CITY - TIMELESS

Lucifer and Raguel land beside the body of a DEAD ANGEL (CARASEL). The body is mostly dark, but there is a tiny bit of ANGEL GLOW within him that falls completely dark by the end of the scene. He lays on his back, a bloody hole is in the middle of his chest.

Beside the street where the three are is a tall building (THE HALL OF BEING) and on the other side is NOTHING. This nothing is referred to as THE DARK or THE DARKNESS.

LUCIFER
You must find who is responsible, and how; and take the
Vengeance of the Name on whosoever caused this
thing to happen. (pause) I have work to attend to.

Lucifer exits.

Raguel begins examining the body from all angles. He bends down and puts his finger in the hole in Carasels chest. It enters easily. He rolls the body onto its side and discovers it is all bloody underneath and then puts it back.

He looks up into the sky toward the top windows of the building.

INT. HALL OF BEING - TIMELESS

This great hall has a HUGE DIAGRAM on one wall that is basically the BLUEPRINTS OF CREATION

A short, balding, fussy, managerial looking angel stands in the center of the hall. This is the ANGEL PHANUEL. There is a line of angels waiting to speak to Phanuel. In turn he listens, advises, commands, questions and sends them back to work.

Raguel goes straight to the front of the line and confronts Phanuel.

With a glance from Phanuel, the other angels disperse.

PHANUEL
Raguel is it not? What need have you of me?

RAGUEL
You are Phanuel. You found the body?

PHANUEL
Ah, poor Carasel. Indeed I did. I was leaving the Silver City
to ponder a work Concept, Regret, by name- Not into the
DARKNESS, of course. No one goes out there, just out
above the city and... Poor Carasel. How could he do that to
himself? How?

RAGUEL
You think his destruction was self-inflicted?

PHANUEL
But of course. Carasel was working under me developing
a number of concepts that shall be intrinsic to the
universe when it's Name shall be Spoken. He was working
on a major project, one that I myself, or even Zephkiel
would normally handle. But he's done such sterling
work. His last project was so remarkable; a trivial emotion
that he and Saraquael elevated into... But that is
unimportant as it was this project that forced him into non-being.

RAGUEL
What was this project?

PHANUEL
I'm not sure I ought to tell you. All new concepts
are highly sensitive until their Names are Spoken.

Suddenly Raguel's ASPECT arises and he becomes larger and more commanding.

RAGUEL
I am Raguel, who is the Vengeance of the Lord.
I serve the Name directly. My questions are to be answered.

Phanuel becomes very frightened.

PHANUEL
Carasel and his partner were researching Death. Cessation
of life. An end to physical, animated existence. But Carasel
always went too far in his work. We had a terrible time
when he designed Agitation or any of the Emotions he worked on.

RAGUEL
You think Carasel died to - research the phenomenon?

PHANUEL
Or because it intrigued him. Or because he followed it
too far. Yes. (pause) I trust that you will repeat none of
this to any unauthorized persons.

RAGUEL
What did you do when you found the body?

PHANUEL
I was scared. I did not know what to do. The Angel
Lucifer came up behind me. I told him, showed him
the body and then... His Aspect came upon him and he
communed with the Name. He burned so bright. Then he said
he must go to fetch the one whose functions embrace such
as this. You, I imagine.

Raguel is now lost in thought.

PHANUEL (CONTINUING)
I suppose I should take Death away from Carasel's
partner. Perhaps give it to Zephkiel, the senior designer. If he'll take it.

RAGUEL
Who was Carasel's partner? Would he have been
the last to see him alive?

PHANUEL
That would be Saraquael. But you'd have to
ask him. Now if you'll excuse me.

Raguel exits the Hall as the other angels line up again to speak with Phanuel.

INT. SARAQUAELS OFFICE - TIMELESS

SARAQUAEL is a youngish looking Angel working diligently in his office with papers strewn about.

Raguel enters.

RAGUEL
I've Come about Carasel.

SARAQUAEL
Carasel isn't here at this time. I expect
him to return shortly.

RAGUEL
Carasel won't be coming back. He's ceased
to exist as a spiritual entity.

SARAQUAEL
He's dead?

RAGUEL
Yes. Do you know what might have happened?

SARAQUAEL
No, I mean he's been talking about it,
but I had no idea.

RAGUEL
Slowly.

Saraquael walks to the open air window where the wind rustles his long hair. Beyond the window is THE DARKNESS.

SARAQUAEL
Carasel is... No, was. That's right isn't it? He was
always so involved. He always wanted to understand
more. It was never enough for him. Of course that
was never a problem with properties of matter, but
when we began emotions... He would get too
involved with his work. Our latest project was Death.
It's a hard one. A big one. Perhaps the biggest. It
could arguably define the Creation and the Created. If
not for Death, they'd be content to simply exist. But
with Death, their lives will have meaning - a boundary
beyond which the living can not cross.

RAGUEL
Do you think he killed himself?

SARAQUAEL
He must have.

RAGUEL
How?

Saraquael shrugs. He looks out into the DARKNESS.

RAGUEL
Did you know him well?

SARAQUAEL
As well as any of us know each other I suppose.
We saw each other here. We worked side by side.

RAGUEL
Tell me about Phanuel.

SARAQUAEL
Phanuel? He's officious. Doesn't do much - farms
the work out to others and takes all the credit.
(lowers his voice) To hear him talk you'd think Love
was all his own work. Still, he does make sure
the work gets done. Zephkiel's the real thinker of the
two senior designers. But, he never leaves his
office in the city center. Only Phanuel is allowed to see him-

RAGUEL
How about Lucifer? Tell me about him.

SARAQUAEL
The Captain of the Host? He doesn't work here.
I've seen him visit the Hall a few times, inspecting
Creation. They say he reports directly to the Name.
I've never spoken to him.

RAGUEL
Did he know Carasel?

SARAQUAEL
I doubt it. He's only been here twice as far as
I know. Though I have seen him pass by. In flight.

He motions out the window toward THE DARKNESS.

RAGUEL
Going where?

SARAQUAEL
I don't know.

RAGUEL
I may want to talk to you some more later.

SARAQUAEL
Very well. (pause) Do you know if they will
be assigning me another partner? For Death?

RAGUEL
No, I don’t.

EXT. PARK IN THE CENTER OF THE SILVER CITY - TIMELESS

There is a STREAM in this PARK and Lucifer stands watching it flow.

Raguel enters, watching him.

RAGUEL
Lucifer?

LUCIFER
Raguel. Are you making progress?

RAGUEL
Maybe. I need to ask you a
few questions? Do you mind?

LUCIFER
Not at all.

RAGUEL
How did you come upon the body?

LUCIFER
I saw Phanuel standing in the street. He looked
distressed and he showed me the dead angel. And
I fetched you.

RAGUEL
I see.

Lucifer bends down and puts his hand in the moving stream.

LUCIFER
Is that all?

RAGUEL
Not quite. What were you
doing in that part of the city?

LUCIFER
I don’t see what business that is of yours.

RAGUEL
It is my business Lucifer.
What were you doing there?

LUCIFER
I was... walking. Sometimes I just walk
and think. And try to understand.

RAGUEL
You walk on the edge of the city?

LUCIFER
(beat)
Yes.

RAGUEL
That’s all I wanted to know. For now.

LUCIFER
Who else have you spoken to?

RAGUEL
Carasel’s boss and his partner. They
both think he ended his own life.

LUCIFER
Who else are you going to talk to?

RAGUEL
Maybe everyone.

LUCIFER
Everyone?

RAGUEL
If I need to. It’s my function. I cannot rest until I
understand what happened and until the Vengeance
of the Name has been taken on whosoever
is responsible. But, I’ll tell you something I do know.

LUCIFER
What would that be?

RAGUEL
Carasel did not kill himself.

LUCIFER
How would you know that?

RAGUEL
I am Vengeance. If Carasel had died by his
own hand there would have been no call for me.
Would there?

Lucifer does not answer. Only stares at the stream.

EXT. SILVER CITY - TIMELESS

A huge beautiful SILVER CITY. Seen from above. It’s perfectly circular and beyond the circle is THE DARKNESS.

Raguel is making his way to the exact center.

INT. ZEPHKIEL’S CELL - TIMELESS

Raguel enters the large cell through the open air window.

(ZEPHKIEL) is seated in a chair head on fist, eyes closed. He is as radiant as any other Angel, but very old looking. Also, he has NO WINGS.

Zephkiel’s eyes open.

ZEPHKIEL
Welcome Raguel.

RAGUEL
You are Zephkiel?

ZEPHKIEL
Indeed. You’re staring, Raguel. I have no wings,
it’s true, but then my function does not call for me to
leave this cell. Phanuel reports to me with problems.
I think about them and occasionally make myself useful
by making some small suggestions. That is my
function, just as yours is Vengeance.

RAGUEL
Yes.

ZEPHKIEL
You are here about the death of the Angel Carasel.

RAGUEL
Yes.

ZEPHKIEL
I did not kill him.

RAGUEL
Do you know who did?

ZEPHKIEL
That is your function, is it not?

RAGUEL
Yes.

ZEPHKIEL
What do you want to know?

RAGUEL
Do you know what Lucifer was doing in that
part of the city before the body was found?

ZEPHKIEL
I can hazard a guess.

RAGUEL
Yes?

ZEPHKIEL
He was walking in the DARK.

Understanding is dawning on Raguel and he nods his head.

RAGUEL
I see. Then I suppose I have only one last
question for you; What can you tell me about LOVE.

INT. SARAQUAELS OFFICE - TIMELESS

Saraquael has a small mannequin of a wingless Angel inside of a rectangular box.

Again Raguel enters through the window.

SARAQUAEL
Oh, it’s you. Hello. Say, if you were to die do
you think you’d want to be placed inside a box and
put into the earth or perhaps set on fire and burned
to ashes?

RAGUEL
I don’t know.

SARAQUAEL
Neither do I. There’s just so much to do Raguel.
And we only get one chance at it you know. There’s
only going to be one Universe. I wish I understood why this
is all so important to Him.

RAGUEL
Do you know where Zephkiel’s cell is?

SARAQUAEL
Yes. I mean I’ve never been there, but
I know where it is.

RAGUEL
Good. Go there. He’ll be expecting you and
I’ll meet you there.

SARAQUAEL
I have work to do. I can’t just-

Raguel’s ASPECT comes upon him and he becomes frightening to behold.

RAGUEL
You will be there. Go now!

Saraquael backs away from Raguel, toward the window without a word and leaps, flapping his wings.

Raguel opens the door and steps into the HALL.

INT. HALL OF BEING - CONTINUOUS

He FLOATS down past the enormous diagram of Creation to land beside Phanuel who is in discussion with another Angel (ANGEL #1) . Angel #1 hands Phanuel a paper and Phanuel gazes at it.

PHANUEL
So that’s Green? It’s not exactly how I’d imagined
it, but. Hmm. Leave it with me and I’ll get back to you.

Phanuel notices Raguel and turns to him brusquely.

PHANUEL
Yes?

RAGUEL
I have to talk to you?

PHANUEL
Mm? Well make it quick. I have much work to do.
If this is about Carasel’s death I told you all I know about it.

RAGUEL
This IS about Carasel’s death. And you will speak
to me. In Zephkiel’s cell. Go now and I will meet you there.

Phanuel seems about to say something, but thinks better of it, nods, and exits the HALL.

Angel #1 stands gape mouthed, staring at Raguel, who turns to him.

RAGUEL
Tell me something.

ANGEL #1
If I can, sir.

Raguel motions toward the DIAGRAM.

RAGUEL
What’s it for?

ANGEL #1
For? Why, it’s the Universe.

RAGUEL
I know what it’s called, but
what purpose will it serve?

ANGEL #1
It is part of THE PLAN. The NAME wishes it and it’s our
function to bring it into existence according to HIS wishes.
I’m sure HE knows it’s function, but HE has not revealed it to me.

RAGUEL
Yes, I see.

EXT. SKY ABOVE THE SILVER CITY - TIMELESS

Lucifer floats in the air watching a BATTALION of angels maneuver before him.

Raguel hovers beside him.

LUCIFER
Raguel. Have you solved the mystery?

RAGUEL
I believe so. Will you accompany me to Zephkiel’s cell?
There are others waiting and I will explain everything there.

LUCIFER
Certainly. Azazel!

An Angel from the formation (AZAZEL) breaks away and comes toward Lucifer.

LUCIFER
Please take over for me and continue drilling.
They still have much to perfect.

Without waiting, Lucifer heads away with Raguel.

RAGUEL
What are you training them for?

LUCIFER
War.

RAGUEL
With whom?

LUCIFER
How do you mean?

RAGUEL
Who are they going to fight? Who else is there?

LUCIFER
I do not know. But HE has NAMED us to be HIS
army and we will be perfect. For HIM. The NAME
is infallible and all-just and all-wise, Raguel.
It can not be otherwise. No matter what they-

RAGUEL
What‘s that?

LUCIFER
No matter what.

RAGUEL
Ah.

CUT TO:

INT. ZEPHKIEL’S CELL - CONTINUOUS

Everyone has gathered in the large room. All standing except for Zephkiel.

RAGUEL
I am the Vengeance of the Name. The arm of the Lord.
I am Raguel. The Angel Carasel is dead. It was given to
me to find out why he died and who killed him. This
I have done. Now, the Angel Carasel was a designer
in the Hall of Being. He was very good, or so I am told...
Lucifer, tell me what you were doing before you came upon
Phanuel, and the body.

LUCIFER
I told you already. I was walking.

RAGUEL
Where were you walking?

LUCIFER
I do not see what business that is of yours.

RAGUEL
Tell me.

LUCIFER
Very well. I was walking in the DARK. I have been
walking in the DARKNESS for some time now. It helps me
gain perspective of the City, being outside of it.

RAGUEL
And what do you do in the DARK, Lucifer?

LUCIFER
I walk. And... There are voices in the DARK. I listen to
the voices. They promise me things, ask me questions,
whisper, and plead. And I ignore them. I steel myself and I
gaze at the City. It is the only way I have of testing myself.
I am Captain of the Host; I am first among Angels and I must
prove myself.

RAGUEL
Why did you not tell me this before?

LUCIFER
Because I am the only Angel who walks in the DARK.
Because I do not want others to walk in the DARK.
I am strong enough to challenge the voices. Others may
not be so strong. Others may stumble, or fall. And
I do not want this.

RAGUEL
Thank you Lucifer. Phanuel, how long have you
been taking credit for Carasel’s work?

Phanuel opens his mouth, but says nothing.

RAGUEL
Well?

PHANUEL
I... I would not take credit for another’s work.

RAGUEL
But you did take credit for Love.

PHANUEL
Yes I did.

RAGUEL
Please explain to us all what Love is.

Phanuel is uncomfortable. He speaks as if reciting a mathematical equation.

PHANUEL
It’s a feeling of deep affection and attraction to another
being, often combined with passion or desire- a need
to be with another. The feelings we have for the Name,
that is Love... Amongst other things. We are... We
are very proud of it.

RAGUEL
Zephkiel, when Phanuel passed the details of
Love on to you for approval, who did he tell you was
responsible for it?

ZEPHKIEL
He told me it was his project.

RAGUEL
Thank you. Now Saraquael, whose is Love?

SARAQUAEL
Mine. Mine and Carasel’s.
We worked on it together.

RAGUEL
You knew Phanuel was claiming credit for it?

SARAQUAEL
... Yes.

RAGUEL
And you permitted this?

SARAQUAEL
He promised he would give us a great project of
our own and if we said nothing we would have many
great projects. And he was true to his word.
He gave us Death.

RAGUEL
(to Phanuel)
Well?

PHANUEL
It is true that I claimed Love as mine.
But it was actually Carasel’s. And Saraquael’s.

Raguel walks to the window and looks out at the City.

RAGUEL
Carasel was a remarkable designer. If he had
one failing it was that he threw himself too
deeply into his work. Saraquael? While working
on Love, who did Carasel love? Who was his lover?

SARAQUAEL
I was.

Raguel turns around.

RAGUEL
Do you want to tell me about it?

SARAQUAEL
No (pause) But, I suppose I must. It was his idea
to become lovers. We would go back to his cell
whenever we could snatch the time. There we touched
each other, held each other, whispered endearments and
protestations of eternal devotion. His welfare mattered
more to me then my own. When I was alone I would
repeat his name and think of nothing but him. When
I was with him... Nothing else mattered.

Raguel crosses the room to him.

RAGUEL
Then why did you kill him?

SARAQUAEL
Because he would no longer love me. When we began
to work on Death... He lost interest. He was no
longer mine. He belonged to Death. I could not bear
his presence. I could not endure to have him near
me and know that he felt nothing. I thought... I hoped...
That if he was gone, then I would no longer care for him...
That the pain would stop. So, I killed him. I stabbed
him and I threw his body from out our window in
the Hall of Being. But the pain has not stopped.

Upset, Saraquael looks down at the floor, but Raguel lifts his chin with his hand.

SARAQUAEL
Now what?

Raguel’s ASPECT comes upon him once more and he embraces Saraquael almost like a mother comforting a tiny child. He glows fiercely like fire and this fire begins to spread through his body into Saraquael’s.

It’s clear that the fiery light is painful to Saraquael and it begins to burn away at him until there is nothing left at all.

Lucifer and Phanuel avert their eyes, though it’s unclear if it is because of the blinding light or the horror of the spectacle.

Only Zephkiel watches with deep sadness.

When the light fades there is no trace of Saraquael. Raguel turns back to the others.

RAGUEL
You have seen the Vengeance of the
Lord. Let it act as a warning to you both.

PHANUEL
It has. Oh, it has. I... I will be on my way, sir.
I will return to my appointed post. If that is all right
with you?

RAGUEL
Go.

Phanuel practically runs for the open window and stumbling, exits.

Lucifer crosses to where Saraquael had stood and kneels down there, bowing his head, inspecting the floor.

LUCIFER
That was not right. That was not just.

Lucifer is crying.

RAGUEL
It is justice. He killed another and was killed
in his turn. You called me to my function and I
performed it.

LUCIFER
But... He Loved. He should have been forgiven.
He should have been helped. He should not have been
destroyed like that. That was wrong.

RAGUEL
It is HIS will.

LUCIFER
Then perhaps HIS will is unjust. Perhaps the
voices in the Darkness speak truly, after all. How
can this be right?

RAGUEL
It is right. It is HIS will.

LUCIFER
No. I must think on this. I will go now.

And Lucifer walks to the window and steps into the sky.

ZEPHKIEL
You have performed your function well, Raguel.
Shouldn’t you return to your cell and await your next call.

Raguel is about to leave, but then he kneels just as Lucifer did and lowers his head.

RAGUEL
No, Lord. Not yet.

ZEPHKIEL
Get up. It’s not fitting for one Angel
to act this way to another. Get up!

RAGUEL
Father, you are no Angel.

Zephkiel says nothing and Raguel continues.

RAGUEL
Father, I was charged to find out who was
responsible for Carasel’s death and I do know.

ZEPHKIEL
You have taken your Vengeance, Raguel.

RAGUEL
Your Vengeance, Lord.

ZEPHKIEL
Ah, Raguel. The problem with creating things is
that they perform so much better then one ever
plans. Shall I ask how you recognized me?

RAGUEL
I’m not certain, Lord. You have no wings. You sit
at the Center, supervising Creation directly. When I
destroyed Saraquael, you did not look away. You
know too many things... You... As you say, you
created me well. But I only just understood when Lucifer left.

ZEPHKIEL
Understood what, child?

RAGUEL
Who killed Carasel. Or at least,
who was pulling the strings.

ZEPHKIEL
Why should anyone have ‘pulled strings’, Raguel?

RAGUEL
Because nothing occurs without reason and all
the reasons are yours. You set Saraquael up. Yes, he
killed Carasel, but he did it so that I could destroy him.

ZEPHKIEL
And were you wrong to destroy him?

RAGUEL
It was my function. But I do not think it was just.
I think it was needed that I destroy Saraquael, in
order to demonstrate to Lucifer the Injustice of the Lord.

ZEPHKIEL
And whatever reason would I have for doing that?

RAGUEL
I do not know. I do not understand that anymore then
I understand why you created The DARKNESS and
the voices within it. But you did. You caused all of this to occur.

ZEPHKIEL
Yes, I did. Lucifer must brood on the unfairness of
Saraquael’s destruction. And that - amongst other things - will
precipitate him into certain actions. Poor sweet Lucifer.
His way will be the hardest of all my children, for there
is a part he must play in the drama that is to unfold,
and it is a grand role.

RAGUEL
I must return to my cell. My function is fulfilled, but...

ZEPHKIEL
Yes, Raguel?

RAGUEL
I feel... Tarnished. Perhaps it is true that Your Will
is always good, but sometimes you leave blood on
your instruments.

ZEPHKIEL
If you wish Raguel, you may forget all that has
happened this day. However, whether you do or not,
you will not be able to speak about this with any other Angel.

RAGUEL
I will remember.

ZEPHKIEL
It is your choice. But sometimes you will
find it easier by far not to remember. Now
if you don’t mind, I have much work to get on with.

Raguel bows low and exits through the window, leaving Zephkiel alone.

He rests his head on his fist and closes his eyes.

INT. RAGUEL’S CELL - TIMELESS

The door to the empty frosted cell opens and Raguel walks in. He turns around to face the door as it closes and then becomes

COMPLETELY IMMOBILE.

CLOSE UP:

RAGUEL’S FACE

As a single tear rolls down his cheek.

THE END

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Short Script #3 - Soulless

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

A man gets ready for work. Doing up his tie; loosening his belt one notch because it looks too tight, tying his laces on his black dress shoes.

He looks at himself in the mirror, trying to get his swoop just right. He is DANIEL WITHERS: balding, aging, door to door salesman who lives a life of quiet desperation selling vitamins. He checks his briefcase to count the bottles one last time before he walks out the door.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
I am so lonely. I can’t seem to make a connection
with anybody. I didn’t have this problem when I was a
young. I wish I was a child again.

EXT. DOORWAY - DAY

The door opens up and Daniel stands politely in the doorway.

DANIEL
Good morning ma’am. How are you doing today?

EXT. DOORWAY #2

DANIEL
My name is Daniel Withers,...

EXT. DOORWAY #3

DANIEL
...and I represent Hubbard Vitamins,...

EXT. DOORWAY

DANIEL
...have you heard of us before?..

EXT. DOORWAY #3

The door slams in Daniel’s face.

EXT. DOORWAY #2

And another door slams in Daniels’s face.

EXT. DOORWAY

And another door slams in Daniel’s face.

INT. SUBWAY RESTROOM

Daniel looks at himself in the mirror. Deep into his own soul. Notices his hair is unruly. And takes precise measures to put it back in place.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
I hate my hair. I wish I could keep it combed
all the time. I’m so jealous of people with perfect hair.

A guy with perfect hair walks up to the mirror, flicks his hair once and walks off. Daniels eyes narrow.

EXT. SUBWAY STATION ENTRANCE/EXIT

Daniel walks out the doors and moves with the crowd into the street.

INT. BUS

Daniel sits in a post work trance in the back of the bus. A GUY sits next to him chatting away. Every so often Daniel nods.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
It’s funny that even though I’m so lonely I hate people.
In 38 years I’ve yet to meet anyone I’ve wanted to
spend more then a ten minute bus ride with.
And usually I can’t stand even that long.

INT. DANIEL’S FRONT ENTERANCE

Daniel walks up the drive to his house and spies a long rectangular box left by the mailman. This gets him excited as he unlocks his door and enters with the package.

DANIEL
Finally!

INT. DANIEL’S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Daniel closes the microwave and punches in the time. The unit lights up and hums.


INT. DANIEL’S DINING AREA - NIGHT

He reaches in and lights candles with a match. The microwave beeps its completion.

INT. DANIEL’S DINING AREA - LATER

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
When I was a boy there were times I was so happy
I would cry. (pause)
I really think I’ve found exactly what I need.

Daniel sits at the end of the table. He swirls his glass of wine above his finished dinner in a box. Music lingers.

DANIEL
That was lovely. (beat)
You look so beautiful tonight.

At the other end of the table sits a motionless woman.

DANIEL
Well, thank you. But I didn’t give you a
compliment only to get one back.

Daniel smiles. And it’s different. He takes a sip of his wine and listens to the light music that is playing in the background.

DANIEL
May I have this dance?

He smiles and gets up.

MONTAGE SEQUENCE.

INT. DANIEL’S BEDROOM

Daniel undoes his tie.
Daniel runs his fingers through her hair.
The woman’s dress is thrown across the room and lands on the box Daniel carried earlier. The box reads ‘...NYOMI’S LEFT LEG...’
Daniel slows his dancing down. He looks into her eyes, and moves in for a deep kiss.
Daniel’s hand slowly moves up her body. Feeling every curve.
His lips gently press against hers. He pulls away.

END MONTAGE

DANIEL
Nyomi, you make me so happy. I
couldn’t ask for more in a woman.

Her lifeless eyes stare straight ahead. She is a MANNEQUIN.

DANIEL
You are so damn beautiful.

He moves in for another kiss. His hands move around her. His body thrusts into hers.

FADE OUT.

INT. DANIEL’S BEDROOM - MORNING
Daniel gets ready for work; doing up his tie, loosening his belt one notch because it looks too tight, tying his laces on his black dress shoes.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
I truly envy her. She always looks great. She
doesn’t have to work or deal with people and
all her needs are taken care of. (pause) Like a child.

He looks at himself in the mirror, trying to get his swoop just right.
In the mirror he sees Nyomi sitting in bed gazing back at him.

DANIEL
See ya tonight, honey.

INT. WORK WAITING ROOM - DAY

Many workers wait in line. All with briefcases in their right hand. A bell dings and an arrow points to the right. The woman in the front of the line moves to the open stall. The line steps forward with its left foot. Daniel is second in line. His fingers tap on the cases’ handle. He glances at his watch, impatient to get home.
The bell dings and the person in front of him steps forward. The line follows.
The bell dings and Daniel steps forward.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
I hate my job. I could get another one I suppose…
But I hate looking for work even more then I hate my job.

INT. WORK WAITING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

The woman behind the thick glass pulls cash from her drawer. Her name is AURORA.

AURORA
20, 40, 60, 80, three, 20, 40, 60.

She pushes the cash under the glass.

AURORA
Another good day. You had a great week
Daniel.

Daniel grins at her.

DANIEL
Yes I did.

He turns to walk off. The bell dings and the arrow lights up.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Daniel walks down the hallway.

Five of the other workers stand huddled off to the side. BEN sees Daniel walk by.

BEN
Hey Daniel. Daniel!

Daniel stops, pulled out of his action. Ben comes over to him.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
Oh hell, not Ben Romano.

BEN
Hey. Heard about your great week.

DANIEL
Yes.

BEN
Why don’t you come out for a beer or
two with me and the boys.

Ben points to the other men. Daniel looks at them.

DANIEL
Well, I gotta…

The others are all talking. TED, one of the suits, looks over to Daniel and Ben and waves to Daniel to come along.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
Say no Dan. Say no Dan. Christ, say no.


DANIEL
Sure.

INT. DANIEL’S FRONT ENTERANCE - NIGHT

The sound of keys jingling and being dropped. Mumbled curses.
The front door opens with a crash. Daniel comes stumbling in dropping his keys and brief case. He makes his way back to the door and slams it shuts. He tries taking his clothes off.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
Well that was fun. I spent a hundred dollars to get
sick to my stomach, hang out with guys I hate
seeing during work, listen to noise they call
music that may have made me deaf and deal
with women who won’t give me the time of day.

Turning around he’s startled to see Nyomi.

DANIEL
(Gasp) Christ, you startled me. Sorry I’m late,
but I was out drinking with the guys and…

He looks past Nyomi and sees a beautiful candle lit meal on the table. But the candles have burned out and the food is obviously cold.

DANIEL
(Ashamed) Did you make a…? But I didn’t…?
The guys were…

Nyomi stares silently.

DANIEL
I’m sorry.

Beat.

NYOMI (O.S.)
Next time call.

Daniel is left alone listening to footsteps walk away. The bedroom door closes.
Daniel sits heavily on the sofa.

DANIEL
Oh god am I drunk.

INT. DANIEL’S FRONT ENTERANCE - NEXT MORNING

Daniel wakes on the sofa. There is no evidence of a meal on the table.
He stands, head aching and heads for the bedroom.

INT. DANIELS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Nyomi sits in bed in the same position we last saw her. He notices the clock beside her.

DANIEL
Oh! I’m late. Very late. Very very late.

Daniel rushes from the room.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

At the end of the isle a door remains closed. Light glows from the glass window next to it, outlining Daniel’s back sitting in a chair. In front of him is his boss, MR. MARCELLINO, a burly iconic Mafioso type. He is leaning forward with his arms resting on his desk, crossed.

MR. MARCELLINO
(soft spoken; calming) Is this the type behavior we should
be expecting from you now? You have a good week and
suddenly you can make your own hours? (beat)
We want people that respect themselves. Want to work and
make money. If you’re making money. Then we’re making
money. It’s a win-win situation.(beat) Three hours
late for work without a phone call is unacceptable.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF SPEECH)
This sucks. Maybe I should quit. I don’t really need the
money. The house is paid for and mom and
dad left me enough to retire on.

DANIEL
I know. I’m sorry.

Mr. Marcellino sits back in his chair and turns 45 degrees to the side.

MR. MARCELLINO
I know you’ve been doing well lately, but we can
not have this sort of thing continuing. That will be all.
Have a good weekend Withers.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER IN THE MIDDLE)
God I wish he would just shut his fat ass up.

DANIEL
Yes, sir.

Daniel gets up and moves to shake his hand. Mr. Marcellino has already turned his chair to look out his window. Daniel turns to the door.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Daniel waits for the bus, thinking. He sees a wine store and makes a decision.

INT. DANIEL’S DINING AREA - LATER

Daniel sits across from Nyomi. His dinner is finished and he’s drinking the wine he purchased near the bus stop. It’s practically empty.

DANIEL
I’m so sorry about last night Nyomi. You might not
believe this, but I’ve never been the most popular fellow.
When the guys asked me to go out with them, I kinda..
Well. What can I say, I thought it’d be fun. (pause) But the
truth is, I hate all that. I really had a terrible time and
all I wanted last night was to be with you. Can you
forgive me? Let’s enjoy the weekend together.

Daniel reaches across the table and takes Nyomi’s hand.


LONG SHOT

Daniel and Nyomi seated very still at the table in exactly the same position holding hands.

CLOSE UP - THEIR LINKED HANDS

Both are MANIQUIN HANDS.

LONG SHOT

Both are completely still, not moving a muscle.

NYOMI
I love you Daniel.

DANIEL
I love you too, Nyomi.

INT. DANIEL’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Daniel and Nyomi lie still together in bed in identical positions.
Nyomi has her MANIQUIN HAND at Daniels mouth and he kisses the fingers gently as they play with his lips.

DANIEL
This is wonderful. I’m so happy I could cry.
(pause) Aren’t you?

NYOMI
Uh-huh.

Daniel CLOSES HIS EYES and the MANIQUINS HAND slowly makes its way down Daniels chest and out of frame. A huge smile crosses Daniels face.

DANIEL
Oh Nyomi.

After a moment the hand comes back up and now it a REAL HAND. It makes its way to Daniels head.

DANIEL
(pouting) Why did you stop?

The hand begins stroking his hair.

DANIEL
Mmmm. That’s nice.

Nyomi has her hand on his head, fingers hiding all his sparse hair behind them.

NYOMI
That looks much better. Don’t you think?

Daniel opens his eyes and peers at the mirror by the bed.

DANIEL
What do you mean? (beat) You think I
should shave my head?

NYOMI
Mmmm. That’d be sexy.

Nyomi’s hand leaves his scalp and trails lovingly down him face. Daniels eyes close.

INT. DANIEL’S BATHROOM - NIGHT

Nyomi’s hand smooths out the shaving cream on Daniel’s head. Then she runs a razor in a line across it. They laugh together.

EXT. DOORWAY - DAY

The door opens up and Daniel stands politely in the doorway. Bald.

DANIEL
Good morning ma’am. I’m Daniel Withers.
I represent Hubbard Vitamins,...

INT. DOORWAY

A late 30 something woman stands at the door with that expression we reserve for door to door salespeople.

INT. WOMANS KITCHEN

The woman sits across from Daniel at her table, politely listening to his presentation. The bottles are out on the table.

DANIEL
This one here is what you need. It’s specifically for
women going into their thirties.

WOMAN
Into their thirties?

DANIEL
Yes. Women your age. I’m sure you know as a woman
approaches thirty her body changes in all sorts of ways.
These vitamins help you stay healthy as you go through
that even all the way into your forties and fifties.
(pause) They’re the real deal… For real people.

The woman smiles more at Daniel then at his spiel.

EXT. DOORWAY

The woman hands Daniel a check and he hands her his card.

DANIEL
If you have anymore questions, please call me anytime.

Daniel walks off, a huge smile on his face.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
God I hate this job. (pause) But I like my
shaved head. Don’t have to worry about my
damned hair anymore.

INT. DANIELS APARTMENT - NIGHT

Daniel opens the door to see clothing store bags. All different colors. All from women’s designer stores. He glances into a few, pulling out women’s garments of all kinds. In one bag he finds a bill and literally gasps when he sees the price.
He storms into his bedroom.

INT. DANIEL’S BEDROOM

Nyomi sits in bed as usual.

DANIEL
Did you…? I mean, where did all this…?
How, how? How did…?

Frustrated and confused Daniel turns his back on her and stares out at the packages in the living room. He CLOSES HIS EYES.

Nyomi’s hand slips under Daniels arm and caresses his chest. Her other hand lies on his face. Her blond hair sits on his shoulder.

NYOMI
I needed clothes honey. I only had the one dress.

DANIEL
But…? What…?

NYOMI
These things make me happy. You
want me to be happy, don’t you?

DANIEL
Of course.

NYOMI
I know how to make you happy, Daniel and I
promise you will be happy forever. You have
what it takes to make me happy forever too.
Let me show you how.

DANIEL
Yes Nyomi, yes.

Nyomi’s hand has taken hold of Daniels and she caresses it against his cheek. Her hand is real, his is a MANIQUIN!

Daniels eyes shoot open and he’s about to speak when Nyomi pulls away leaving Daniel in the doorway.

NYOMI
Come to bed. Let us both be happy forever.

And Daniel can’t resist. He goes to her.

INT. BEDROOM - NEXT DAY

Daniel sits up in bed. He is alone and very still. He’s waiting for Nyomi.
The clock ticks.
Time passes
Daniels sits unmoving.
The TV is on.
Time passes
Daniel sits unmoving, an empty tray of food beside him on the bed.
The clock ticks.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Daniel sits unmoving in the dark. The bedroom door opens and a woman enters, but it’s too dark to see her clearly.

DANIEL
Nyomi? Is that you?

NYOMI
Of course dear. I said I’d be back and
here I am. Is everything alright? Do you need anything?

DANIEL
I’m fine. I miss you.

NYOMI
I miss you too sweetie. (pause) I just came for a
few things.

Nyomi turns on a light and we see that she’s a real young woman. She opens the closet and grabs a suitcase. Then she goes into the bathroom to get things to pack.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
Am I pathetic? Is it so wrong to yearn to be free
from my loneliness? Is it strange to prefer missing
something I love to having something I hate? I’ve
given Nyomi what she needs and the truth is,
now she doesn’t need me anymore.

Nyomi comes to Daniels side and looks down at him. She’s smiling radiantly.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
And though it seems that she’s taken
everything from me; in reality she’s
given me my greatest wish.

NYOMI
I’ll be back my darling. You don’t have
to worry about anything any more.

DANIEL (VOICE OVER)
She’s given me my childhood back. I’m loved
and everything is taken care of for me forever.
(pause ) I’m so happy I could cry…

Nyomi grabs the suitcase and goes to the door. She turns back at the doorway to give one last look to Daniel who is now just a MANIQUIN lying in the bed… CRYING…

She flips off the light.

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Short Script #2 - Con Couple

EXT. STREET – DAY

Close up on JOE DENVER as he sits in his car that’s rolling down the street.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I’m Joe Denver… Professional Con-artist.

As we pull back we see that Joe’s car, a new model expensive one, is being towed by AAA.

EXT. STREET – DAY – CONTINUOUS

The AAA GUY finishes lowering Joe’s car to the ground, gets in his truck, and drives off. Joe stands by his car waving.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
For the 100$ gold triple A membership I get unlimited
tows at 50 miles a pop. (pause) I haven’t bought gas in years…

INT. APARTMENT LOBBY – MAIL BOX

Joe stands by the mailboxes and sorts through a stack marked “OUTGOING MAIL”. He takes a few marked ‘NETFLIX’ while glancing about to make sure no one sees him.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I prefer to think of myself as a gentleman of opportunity. And there are so many opportunities available if you know where to look.

INT. APARTMENT STAIRWAY

Joe is climbing his staircase toward his unit.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I’ve been in this apartment for over ten years. It’s rent control. $900 a month.

INT. JOE’S APARTMENT

As Joe enters his place, his young roommate DAVE COOGAN walks by, says hi, and leaves for the day.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
That’s my roommate Dave. He pays $800 plus half the utilities and for this size place in this location, he’s ecstatic about that.


Joe stands at his kitchen table unloading his haul for the day. A few wallets, a watch, his netflix movies, some cash, etc.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
My motto is quantity over quality.

Then he takes his bag and empties it on the table and loads of knick-knacks come pouring out!

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Because you’re never sure what you might get.

Joe is looking at the netflix films he swiped. They are mostly movies no one would want to see, but the last one is something good.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
But, I usually do ok.

INT. BEDROOM – LATER

Joe lays on the bed in the dark of his tiny room before a HUGE TV. The light of the Tele dances off his face as he watches the film he stole.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Yeah, life is pretty good. But there was always something missing.

INT. BEDROOM – NEXT DAY

Joe sits at his computer going through CRAIG’S LIST PERSONAL ADS.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
It’s so hard to weed out the good from the bad.

He looks bored, clicking through ads.
He suddenly lunges forward, grabs his keyboard and begins typing.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Screw it! I’ll write everybody. (Pause) Of course I need to send a picture, too.

On the screen, we see a photo of Joe beside a photo of a male swimsuit model on photo shop. Suddenly Joes head floats over and covers the head of the model.

Joe clicks his mouse and leans back in his chair.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Now, we wait.

It doesn’t take long before the email icon on his screen begins flashing and the number of new emails starts flying!

JOE
Let the dating begin.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Joe is walking to the local STREET CAFE to meet his date du jour.

EXT. STREET CAFE - CONTINUOUS

Joe is on his phone and as he reaches the outside tables, a YOUNG LADY, also on a phone, waves hello.
They both hang up, hug hello, and Joe sits across from her.
The two begin chatting and Joe reaches across the table and takes her hand.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I really do want to fall in love with the woman of my dreams… But… Old habits die hard…

BEGIN MONTAGE

This might even have some silly ‘Monkee’s’ type music accompanying it like "I'm A Believer"

CLOSE UP:

Joes’ hand. He has removed the ring from the young lady’s finger!

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Joe and YOUNG LADY #2 are necking on the couch. Joe is nibbling her ear. She pushes him off and steps into her bedroom. Her arm comes out, finger wiggling for him to join her.

As the smile widens on his lips he subtly withdraws the DIAMOND EARRINGS he has removed from her ears and puts them in his pocket before following her.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

Joe kisses YOUNG LADY #3 on the cheek and heads for the bathroom leaving her at a table with LOT’S of EMPTY PLATES.


TIME CUT:

The WAITER waives the check before young lady #3 and as she disgustedly searches her purse for her wallet to pay the bill. She realizes even more disgustedly that it’s not only her date that is missing.

CUT TO:

INT. YOUNG LADY #4 BEDROOM – NIGHT

Joe is dressing while YOUNG LADY #4 lies asleep on the bed. He grabs a couple of trinkets before exiting the room.

EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS

Joe walks to his car while dialing on his cell phone.

CLOSE UP:

AAA on the cell phone screen.

Joe leans against his car waiting while perusing his take for the night.

END MONTAGE

JOE (VOICE OVER)
But then, I met her.

EXT. STREET CAFE

Joe sits at a table with STEPHANIE. They are both laughing and having a great time.

CLOSE UP

Joe is fiddling with the WATCH on Stephanie's wrist, but then he sets her hand on the table, pats it, and leans back in his chair.

JOE
You are phenomenal. This is the best first date I've ever had.

Stephanie apparently agrees, but there's something she's holding back.

STEPHANIE
Yeah, I can't believe I feel such a
connection.

JOE
Me too. Can I... Can we...
I'd really like to see you again.

STEPHANIE
I'd really like to see you again.
But...

JOE
But?

She pauses, but then chuckles and gets up.

STEPHANIE
But, I have to go to the bathroom
I'll be back in a sec.

Joe watches her walk off while checking out her ass.

TIME CUT:

The waiter walks by and drops off the check.
Understanding has dawned on Joe.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I didn't need to check the bathroom to know she wasn't there. Just as I didn't need to check my back pocket to know my wallet was missing.

EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER

Joe is walking home.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
Well, it wasn't the first time I'd been bitten by a con. But... I really liked her... And despite the fact that I know she was acting... I really think she liked me too.

Joe turns a corner, stops and looks up, making a decision.

JOE (VOICE OVER)
I suppose I should just forget about this whole thing...

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Joe speaks with DOUG, his best friend in con.
He has a photo that he shows Doug.

JOE
Thanks for helping, Doug. If anyone can track her down, I know you can. This is the picture she emailed me when we first met.

DOUG
Very cute. Well, if she's running cons in this city, we're gonna find her. Let's do it!

BEGIN MONTAGE #2

ELO - Evil Woman

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

MAN #1 stands irate at a table where a waiter holds a check and argues with him.
Joe and Doug interrupt and Doug shows the Man the photo. He pulls it from Doug's hand and shows it to the waiter, pointing angrily.

Joe and Doug exchange a knowing glance.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK - DAY

Joe and Doug come across a man (MAN #2) who is beaming happy, holding a VIOLIN. Doug shows him the photo and he nods his head smiling and points to a spot on the instrument.

CLOSE UP:

The signature on the violin reads "STATOVARIUS".
Doug wets his thumb and rubs it and the signature starts to rub off.
Man#2 looks shocked, and about to cry.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

Joe and Doug come across MAN#3 who is holding a sheaf of papers.
They show him the photo and he nods happily.

CLOSE UP: THE PAPERS


They are a new title for THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE
Doug pats him on the back as he and Joe exit.

MAN#3 waves goodbye happily.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Joe and Doug find the room filled with JAPANESE BUSINESS MEN who are in their underwear, bound and gagged.

Doug is showing them the photo of Stephanie and they are all nodding franticly.
Joe sighs in frustration at still not being able to find her.

The two leave the room.

Doug spots a GOLD WATCH on the dresser as he leaves and slyly SWIPES IT.

END MONTAGE

EXT. PARK - LATER

Joe and Doug are walking through the park.

DOUG
Man, this chick is really bad.

JOE
I know.

DOUG
I mean the cons she's pulling are awful.

JOE
Yeah.

DOUG
(Pause) If I was every gonna get married, she'd be the one.

JOE
Back off bro, she's mine!

DOUG
Well, it might not matter. I'm out of ideas. I don't think we're ever gonna find her.

Just at that moment Stephanie backs into Joe.

STEPHANIE
Ooops, sorry... Joe?

JOE
Stephanie?

They stand for a moment, each full of desire for the other and then...

Stephanie BOLTS!

Joe runs after her.

JOE
Wait! Stephanie! I don't care about my wallet.

They're making their way across the park and Stephanie's lead is getting bigger.

JOE
Stephanie! Come on!

Near the street there is a bike. Stephanie grabs it and jumps on.
Realizing he's just about to loose her Joe plays his final card.

JOE
Wait! I love you!

This freezes Stephanie in her tracks.
Joe uses his opportunity and closes the distance. Stephanie turns, but she's ready to bolt on the bike.

STEPHANIE
What are you talking about?

JOE
I had such a great time with you on our date. I realized it then. Look if you don't feel the same about me, just say it and I'll go, but I just had to tell you.

STEPHANIE
You know Joe, you're not the first guy who's wallet I've snatched.

JOE
I know. I've been following you for the last few days. I know about the Brooklyn Bridge, the Stratovarius, the Japanese business men.

STEPHANIE
And you still think you love me?

JOE
More then ever!

It's so obvious she wants him... but...

STEPHANIE
No. It'll never work out. I'm a liar. A cheat. A theif. Joe, I'm a con artist!

JOE
I know. So am I.

STEPHANIE
WHAT?!?!

JOE
Well, yeah...

STEPHANIE
Why didn't you say so?

And with that she drops the bike and jumps into his arms for a nice long kiss.
We hear the strains of THE WEDDING MARCH

JUMP CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

CLOSE UP:

Sign on the back of Joe's car reading "JUST MARRIED"
As we pull back we see a trail of cans that begin rattling as the car pulls off...


BEING TOWED BY A TRIPLE A TRUCK!

The PRIEST waves as they drive off. Then notices HIS WATCH IS MISSING!

THE END


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