Put The Child Down And Back Away Slowly

Children. Oh, I know what you think. But, I don’t hate children. I just hate yours. I’m not even gonna get into how annoying it is to hear stories about your kids that are SOOOO uninteresting to me it’s all I can to keep the ridiculous smile plastered on my face and not yawn at you. I don’t enjoy hearing them scream repeatedly, run around the room, and jump on me. And it’s not ‘cute’ listening to them sing songs or tell bad jokes even once let alone over and over and over.

No, this children’s article is about you. The psychotic parent. A while ago a friend posted the above article. Read it if you choose to, but it’s about a woman who is writing for advice. She sends emails and leaves phone messages for her girlfriends who are stay at home mothers and they are too ‘busy and exhausted’ to be polite enough to return them. She asks what it is these people do all day that has them so worn out. There’s no mention in the letter about not being able to hang out and do things with these young parents, simply why can’t they return messages.

The advice columnist, a young mother herself is completely self-righteous. She mentions her first thought is to ‘bang her forehead against the keyboard’ because of the stupidity of this letter. Then she divulges the average day of a stay at home mother. It goes something like this: “Constant attention, from getting them out of bed, cleaned, dressed, to keeping them out of harms way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of keys, and supplies, even for the quickest trips, including the latest to be declared essential piece of molded plastic gear; from keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired, or bored any one of which produces check out line screaming. It’s taking 45 minutes to do what takes others 15. It’s constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier… …It’s doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity, empathy. Everything!”

Ok, calm the fuck down Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post! I’m so sick and tired of hearing parents think their job is so hard. And I’m not belittling or demeaning what it takes to be a good parent. I feel it takes A LOT and unfortunately most parents are sorely lacking. But, come on, do you know how many people have kids? Many kids? Take care of kids all day long every day for years and still have time for themselves? Or time to return phone calls? Or emails? Or get a damned babysitter and go to the movies once in a while?

Let me tell you something Carolyn and other self-important parents out there: You give this constant 24/7, every waking and sleeping second of the day supervision because you CHOOSE to. It is not necessary AND some may say is detrimental to your child!!! My mother had two kids to deal with and she had quite a social life. My folks took yearly cruises in the Caribbean as well as went out at night all the time. My sister and I stayed with our grandparents or had babysitters. A very good friend of mine for a long time was a single father of a young boy (3 or 4 when I met them) who worked full time and still had time to hang with (at least) me on plenty of occasions. It didn’t stop him from having a social life, taking acting classes, and dating to eventually get married and have two more kids. AND, I respect the job he does as a father like no other. He never denied that boy anything and more importantly (for me anyway) his kids are incredibly well-behaved. Another friend was a single mother who went to college full time and worked a full time job. She once said to me that her friends thought her daughter would never learn to walk because she was always holding her. This woman had quite the active social life as well and told me that if she didn’t return a call or an email it’s because she didn’t want to, not because she was too busy.

You have to stay one step ahead of your child lest he become too hungry, tired, or bored? Really? I mean really? And if he achieves one of these states there will be a check out line scene? I’d say you need to teach your kids to behave or don’t take them to the store. And FUCK, please don’t take them to the movies if they haven’t learned how to view one with respect to other audience members! Which is, yes, your responsibility.

Constant vigilance, touch, use of your voice… Whoa there. Put down the child and back away slowly. Go in the other room for an hour. Your kid will live. And you will feel much better after you have a few freak outs and mental breakdowns and then come to the realization that, yes, your child will live.

Hey, guess what? You DON’T have to answer every question, coo, and cry. If your child can’t handle that he needs YOU to teach him how. It's OK for a kid to cry for a while until it stops on it's own. Children NEED to learn these things. When they have, THEN you will have begun succeeding at being a good parent.

I do agree with Hax’s last statement in that it is a parents job to teach children “language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity, empathy. Everything!” And if you do these things properly you’ll find that your children will be much easier to take care of, better people, and you’ll have more then enough time to respond to your friends emails!


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