INT. CAVE
This is an Indiana Jones’ type cave; dark and creepy. JULES
BLIX, (mid 20’s blonde who’s hot in a quirky sort of way)
dressed as a 40’s adventurer and her INDIAN GUIDE (dark,
muscular, handsome man) dressed in turban and loincloth are
carefully exploring. They both hold TORCHES.
Jules illuminates a series of tiny statuettes with her flame.
JULES
What are these?
INDIAN GUIDE
Traps. Don’t touch them.
JULES
How do they work?
INDIAN GUIDE
If you try to lift one, poison
spikes will shoot at you from out
of nowhere.
He shines his light on DEAD BODIES that lie nearby to prove
his point.
INDIAN GUIDE
To deter thieves.
JULES
Poison, you say? The secret ginju
poison? The only known substance
that can kill the great and evil
Kaliram?
INDIAN GUIDE
I suppose so, but...
Jules begins grabbing dead bodies and leaning them against
her, effectively creating a shield.
INDIAN GUIDE
What are you doing?
Suddenly, in quick succession she grabs three statues in a
row. A dozen poison darts shoot out from various angles; all
striking the corpses.
The Indian Guide leaps back and makes the sign of warding off
evil spirits at her.
Jules has already dropped the bodies and has retrieved
SUPPLIES from her PACK.
CLOSE UP - ON A DART
There is a viscous green fluidy gunk on the shaft. With a
SWAB and TONGS Jules is filling a small receptacle with GINJU
POISON.
JULES
It seems the great and evil Kaliram
was generous enough to supply us
with a method to kill him after all.
INDIAN GUIDE
You’re crazy.
JULES
Crazy like a beaver!
INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE HUNTER
Kenzie’s in her late 20’s or early 30’s. She’s a cute blonde
who, if you squinted at her while looking through a strobe
light in an otherwise dark room would look strikingly similar
to Jules Blix.
KENZIE
(softly, to herself)
Crazy like a beaver!
INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS
Jules stands and puts the collected poison in her pack.
JULES
Can you find the Kaliram in this
ridiculous maze?
INDIAN GUIDE
I think so.
JULES
Then let’s go Gunga Din. It’s
payback time!
INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE UP - ON KENZIE
KENZIE
(softly to herself)
It’s payback time!
Reveal: We are actually in Kenzie’s living room and she’s
enrapt in the Jules Blix film on the TV. She would be in
heaven if it weren’t for the fact that her date TODD LIPSCOMB
was at DEFCON 5 doing some serious necking while attempting
unsuccessfully to remove her bra.
KENZIE
Oh! Great idea!
TODD
What? What was that?
Kenzie realizes for the first time in a bit that she’s not
alone.
KENZIE
Hey Todd, this has been a wonderful
first date, but I just remembered
that I have to go to work now.
Todd leans back, shocked.
TODD
At midnight?
KENZIE
Yeah.
TODD
Stella said you were cool.
KENZIE
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
TODD
Look Kenzie, I spent almost twenty
dollars on dinner. I think that
should get me some quality time
with you.
He dives back in at her neck and bra.
Kenzie can only roll her eyes. She waits a moment
impatiently and then reaches a decision.
She pushes him off, but before he can object she GOES DOWN ON
HIM.
TODD
Oh ok. (Pause) WOW! I’ve never
felt anything like that! Holy shit
you’re amazing. (Pause... heavy
breathing) No wait... If you keep
that up I’m gonna... I’m gonna...
I’m gonna--
CUT TO:
EXT. KENZIE’S FRONT DOOR
Todd is on the outside. Kenzie is inside.
KENZIE
Come again.
She tosses him his jacket and keys.
TODD
I’d love to! And maybe next time I
could do it in your--
SLAM goes the door!
INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Office is probably overstating it a bit. Kenzie’s bedroom
closet (not a walk-in, but a regular closet) has been
converted to a workspace complete with PC and all the
accoutrements.
Her Keyboard and mouse are on a tray table.
On the monitor, obvious by its unique format is a SCREENPLAY.
In the background Kenzie is gargling. She spits, rinses,
wipes, and comes to her makeshift desk to sit. She cracks
her knuckles and begins typing up a storm.
CUT TO:
INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - MORNING
Kenzie is still seated, slumped over, cradling her keyboard
like a pillow. The monitor shows a bunch of gobblygook that
her cheeks typed while she slept.
KENZIE
Oh man.
She starts a rapid fire of the back space button until she
notices the time. She’s late for work!
KENZIE
Shit!
INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - LATER
This is an upscale boutique in BEVERLY HILLS.
Kenzie pins on her name tag while sneaking to her station in
KEEPSAKES.
STELLA (Kenzie’s best friend whose only interest in life is
finding a husband before menopause), who works in FINE
CRYSTAL strolls by.
STELLA
Kenzie’s late again.
KENZIE
Kenzie overslept. Did Mr. Pinkston notice?
STELLA
Oh yes. But Kenzies’ wonderful
friend Stella covered for her yet again.
KENZIE
As per usual, Kenzie owes her
wonderful friend Stella. Anything
I should know if Mr. Pinkston asks?
STELLA
Yes. It’s that time of the month again.
KENZIE
It’s always that time of the month.
STELLA
Don’t I know it. So Todd said you
guys had quite the eventful date
last night.
KENZIE
Todd’s a dick. He took me to
Quizno’s for dinner.
STELLA
He said you were all over him.
KENZIE
Hardly. He forced my hand.
STELLA
I heard it was your mouth, not your
hand and there was no forcing
necessary.
KENZIE
He wouldn’t leave and I wanted to
get back to my script.
STELLA
You and your script. If I could
give head like you I’d use it to
get men to stay, not to get them to leave.
KENZIE
What man do I want to stay?
Someone like Peter?
STELLA
What was wrong with Peter?
KENZIE
He was a douche! I still have no
idea why you accepted his proposal.
STELLA
He got me pregnant.
KENZIE
He wouldn’t have gotten you
pregnant if you hadn’t poked holes
in all his condoms.
STELLA
He might have.
KENZIE
You’re just lucky he ended up
getting 20 to life before it was
too late to get an abortion.
STELLA
(sigh) I suppose so.
An elderly CUSTOMER approaches Kenzie.
CUSTOMER
Excuse me Miss? Can I get some help?
KENZIE
Of course. What can I do for you?
The customer points to an expensive, one of a kind, beautiful
CANDLESTICK HOLDER in a locked case.
CUSTOMER
I’d like to see that candle stick
holder. I think it might be
perfect for my daughter-in-law.
KENZIE
What? This one? Oh, you don’t
want that one.
CUSTOMER
Why not? It’s a Fulston original.
It’s gorgeous.
KENZIE
No, no, no. (whispering) It’s fake.
CUSTOMER
What?
KENZIE
Yeah. It’s not even a good copy.
Don’t tell anyone, but we have a
whole case of them in the back.
Let me show you something over here
that I’m sure your daughter-in-law
will love.
She leads the customer away.
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
It’s her lunch break so Kenzie is eating while she drives her
HYUNDAI. The radio is on. As the current song ends:
RADIO DJ
And tonight Brit rocker Langdon
Spritzer will be performing before
a sold out crowd. So to get you
all started, here’s his newest
megahit... Wash my socks and do me!
An incredibly tasteless, tuneless, power chord laden song
begins. Kenzie switches the radio off.
KENZIE
How did that no talent idiot get so
famous and I can’t get a script sold?
Kenzie parks on the street and as she’s paying the meter a
bus pulls directly in front of her forcing her to view the
huge picture on its side. It’s LANGDON SPRITZER’S new album
cover entitled GROWL. Naturally it’s a picture of Spritzer
in the midst of a ridiculous growl.
Underneath reads: Includes new hit “Wash My Socks And Do Me!”
KENZIE
Jesus...
INT. IVAN’S OFFICE
IVAN is a big, fat, smarmy Russian who is also Kenzie’s
LITERARY AGENT.
IVAN
Ah Kenzie! How is my favorite
screenwriter?
KENZIE
Ah Ivan. How is my favorite
completely useless agent?
IVAN
Useless? I’m out there every day
slugging away just for you.
KENZIE
Well, maybe you should think about
taking people out to lunch instead
of punching them. It might help
you sell a script.
IVAN
Lunches cost money. You paying for
them with boutique job?
KENZIE
I can’t even pay my rent with my
boutique job. That’s why I need
you to sell my screenplays.
IVAN
Ya, ya, ya. How is new script coming?
KENZIE
Good. I had a great idea and was
writing all last night. But what
about the old script? The one I
finished months ago that you’ve
done nothing with?
IVAN
Nothing? I show it all over town.
No actress wants to play role.
They all turn it down.
KENZIE
That’s because you’re showing it to
the wrong actresses.
IVAN
I just heard back from actress from
Twilight.
KENZIE
What did she say?
IVAN
She said no.
KENZIE
Good! Because if she’d have said
yes I would have stuck a gun up my
vagina and pulled the trigger! I
don’t want the girl from Twilight
in my movie. The Naked Corpse is a
Jules Blix movie. I wrote it for
Jules Blix and only Jules Blix can
play the lead. She’s perfect. No
one else is right for the part, so
of course these other actresses are
turning it down.
IVAN
Jules Blix! Jules Blix! Jules
Blix is big star. How you expect
me to get her script?
KENZIE
You got it to the girl from Twilight.
Ivan grunts.
KENZIE
You’re an agent. You’re supposed
to have connections. Why do you
think I signed with you?
IVAN
Because no one else in the city
would represent you. Look, Kenzie,
go home. Finish new script. Let
me worry about Naked Corpse. I
have cousin whose girlfriends
mother has manicurist whose
astrologist does reading for Jules
Blix’s mother. I’ve been working
connection for little while. But,
don’t hold breath.
KENZIE
Manicurist... Girlfriend... What?
IVAN
Go home. Type, type, type. I call
when I have news.
INT. KENZIE’S APARTMENT HALLWAY - LATER
Kenzie is clomping dejectedly down the hallway. As she
passes her neighbor MARK’s door it opens and a guy who looks
like the dad from Father Knows Best leans out.
MARK
Kenzie... How are you today?
KENZIE
Fine Mark. Just frustrated by my
agent again. How are you?
MARK
Fine... Are you sure you’ve no
other problems?
He inclines his head toward her door where there’s a PINK
NOTICE taped. Kenzie yanks it off.
KENZIE
Sonofabitch! My paycheck must not
have cleared in time.
MARK
Anything I can help with?
KENZIE
No, no. I’m sure it’s cleared by
now. I’ll just have to write
another rent check and pay the
bouncing fee... And the late
charge... Oh man.
MARK
If you change your mind don’t be
afraid to ask. I can help. It
would just be a loan. I know
you’re good for it.
KENZIE
No help needed, but thanks. Unless
you can find me a husband.
MARK
As you know, I’ve already been
married and divorced and the sort
of men I’m interested in these days
aren’t the marrying type if you
know what I mean. But, I’ll keep
an eye out for you.
KENZIE
Thanks.
Mark’s door has closed during the chat and when he tries to
open it, it’s stuck.
MARK
Damned door keeps sticking.
He jerks it open.
MARK
Thanks god. Last time I had to get
the maintenance man to get it open.
INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Kenzie plays her answering machine messages as she strolls
about her place unwinding.
Message #1:
PHIL
Hi Kenzie. It’s Phil... Phil
Shazinsky... From high school...
Again... Um... I’ve called a few
times... Look, I’ll say it again, I have not
been able to get you out of my head
for the last 15 years! Please...
Call me.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL BLEACHERS - FLASH BACK
As the message plays a much younger Kenzie is making out with
a young Phil on the bleachers. After a moment she goes down
on him.
CLOSE UP - PHIL’S FACE
Phil’s face contorts in extreme pleasure.
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT - FLASH BACK
Oafish RALPH talks on and on and on at his car as Kenzie,
bored out of her mind listens while wracking her brain for a
method of escape. She tries to open the car door, but Ralph
casually leans on it, still talking.
Finally, Kenzie looks around and drops to her knees.
Ralph goes ramrod straight as if he’s been struck by
lightening. His eyes go wide.
As this little scene plays out in pantomime Message #2:
RALPH
Hey, it’s Ralph. Remember me?
Stella’s friend? We went out last
month. I don’t know why you won’t
call me back. We had such a great
time talking that night and then
you... Well, we obviously had some
chemistry if you know what I mean.
I’d love to do that again. So call me.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - FLASH BACK
RICHARD is sprawled out, spent in sheer bliss on a big comfy
chair as Kenzie rises up from between his legs with a DIAMOND
RING in her hand, NODDING “YES”.
Message #3:
RICHARD
Kenzie. It’s Richard... Look, I
know you turned me down when I
proposed to you that time... I
mean when you eventually found out
I was already married...
INT. RICHARDS HOUSE - FLASH BACK
Richard, his wife and three young children are eating dinner
as Kenzie bursts in. She throws the ring at Richard and
stalks out. Richards wife is not happy.
Message #3 (continued):
RICHARD
But, I’m single now and that
marriage proposal still stands...
I really, really want to see you
again. Call me.
INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM
Message #4:
JOE
Kenzie baby! It’s Joe-
Kenzie, now dressed in a comfy robe stops the machine. She
notices there are 12 more messages.
KENZIE
I get it! I give a great blowjob!
Christ people!
She presses delete over and over until the machine is clear.
INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER
Kenzie sits before her work, glancing at her surroundings for
inspiration.
On the wall of the inside of her closet are various posters
of Jules Blix movies. Each has her with a wicked smile and a
handsome guy.
After a moment she starts typing.
INT. KENZIE’S OFFICE - LATER
Kenzie is still working. She has a bowl of cereal that she’s
crunching away on.
The phone rings and Kenzie answers while continuing to type
with her free hand.
KENZIE
I’m working on my screenplay, Stella.
STELLA
Did I ever introduce you to my
cousin Rob?
KENZIE
Short and prematurely bald with a
lousy comb over?
STELLA
He’s gonna be in town next week.
You two should go out.
KENZIE
Um... He short and prematurely
bald with a lousy comb over.
STELLA
If you only look for the bad in
people you’ll never see any of the
good. Rob’s a really nice guy,
Kenzie. You know, one day you need
to realize that there are no men
like the ones you make up in your
little movie scripts. Come back to
the real world.
KENZIE
One day... I gotta go Stella, I’m
right in the middle of a pivotal scene.
She hangs up and looks back toward the pictures of Jules Blix
who is still all smiles with various gorgeous guys.
And she’s sad.
INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - NEXT DAY
Kenzie has the same sad and wistful expression on her face as
she watches a couple shop. Neither is perfect in any way,
but they seem genuinely happy and in love with each other.
As she turns her head, standing directly before her is
LANGDON SPRITZER. He is every inch the Rock God. He’s
wearing dark shades and staring silently at her.
She recognizes him, but looks back blankly.
He continues to stares until it’s uncomfortable.
KENZIE
Can I help you?
Langdon stares a bit longer and then makes a ridiculous
growling noise.
KENZIE
Are you having some kind of seizure?
LANGDON
It’s my signature growl... It’s
famous... I’m Langdon Spritzer...
The rock star... I’m very famous.
KENZIE
(shrugs) Sorry.
LANGDON
That’s actually very refreshing.
KENZIE
Can I help you?
LANGDON
Yeah. I got me a first date
tonight and I wanna get her
something that makes me look
thoughtful and charming. You know,
something that’ll get me in her
knickers.
KENZIE
Ah. Well, I imagine you’re going
to ply her with alcohol?
LANGDON
Hell yeah.
KENZIE
Then you might want to try this.
She leads him to a very stylized whiskey flask.
KENZIE
And fill it with the poison of your
choice. You can even get it
engraved. Something tasteful like,
“Wash my socks and do me”.
LANGDON
Ha! See! You have heard of me and
you didn’t even know it! That’s my
song. I sing it.
KENZIE
Really. Wow. What a coincidence.
LANGDON
You know, I wrote it too.
KENZIE
Oh yeah? So, what about that flask.
LANGDON
I love it! I’ll take 50.
KENZIE
Fifty?!?
LANGDON
Yeah. Oh, not for the girl. I
think I might mail them out as
like, Christmas cards or some such.
No, for the girl I was thinking of
something a little more subtle
(mispronounced).
KENZIE
Sub-tell?
LANGDON
Yeah.
KENZIE
Well, we don’t sell condoms here.
LANGDON
That’s ok I don’t use them. I make
girls I sleep with sign a waiver.
(pause) Hey, what about that?
He points to the Fulston Candle Stick Holder.
KENZIE
No. No, I doubt she would
appreciate that.
LANGDON
Five thousand dollars for a candle
stick holder; she’d better
appreciate it.
KENZIE
Maybe if you’re dating Jules Blix.
LANGDON
Jules Blix?
KENZIE
Jules Blix. She’s an actress.
She’s very famous... Never mind.
LANGDON
Why is it good for her?
Kenzie isn’t sure she wants to tell this story, but then she
confides:
KENZIE
A few months ago Jules Blix came
in. I was helping her and we
became really friendly and...
Anyway, she totally fell in love
with that candle stick holder. She
was gonna buy it but she forgot her
wallet and said she’d come back for
it. So, I’m sort of unofficially
holding it for her.
LANGDON
I’ll take it.
KENZIE
No. Didn’t you hear what I just
said? I’m holding it for Jules Blix.
LANGDON
Unofficially... And after a few
months I highly doubt she’s coming back.
KENZIE
I don’t care what you doubt you
pompous asshole.
LANGDON
Ooooh. Spunky.
KENZIE
Ooooh. Slimy.
LANGDON
I think you’re just my type.
KENZIE
I think you’re just an idiot.
Kenzie’s officious boss Mr. PINKSTON walks over.
MR. PINKSTON
And what’s going on here?
KENZIE
Nothing Mr. Pinkston.
LANGDON
Nothing? This very beautiful and
very modest sales clerk of yours
just sold me that five thousand
dollar candle stick holder. I’d
say that’s something alright.
Quite a feather in her cap, in fact.
MR. PINKSTON
I’m so glad Miss Hunter was able to
help you. Ah, the Fulston
original. Excellent choice.
Kenzie, why don’t you wrap that
for Mr. Spritzer and I’ll ring him up.
LANGDON
You know who I am?
MR. PINKSTON
Of course, Mr. Spritzer. I’m a big fan.
LANGDON
Please, call me Langdon.
Livid, Kenzie grabs the piece from the case and takes it to
INT. STOREROOM - CONTINUOUS
Angrily, she gets material to box and wrap it. She notices a
very vulgar African Statuette with a huge PHALLUS that is
about the same size as the candlestick holder and gets a
wicked idea.
This new piece gets wrapped up and the Fulston is hidden away
on a back shelf.
INT. THE CHIC BOUTIQUE - MOMENTS LATER
Kenzie puts the wrapped package on the counter.
KENZIE
Here you go.
Langdon hands her a slip of paper.
LANGDON
And here you go.
KENZIE
What’s this?
LANGDON
That’s my personal cell phone
number. I have a concert tonight
and then I’m going out with candle
stick girl. But maybe we can go
out tomorrow. Call me. Eh, not
too early, you know. I’ll need
time to get rid of candle stick
girl and ah, maybe grab a shower.
KENZIE
You’re scum.
LANGDON
You’re so cute.
He grabs the package and waggles his hand by his head in the
international sign for ‘call me’ and exits.
KENZIE
What an ass.
She flicks the paper with his number in the garbage.
Stella shuffles over from Fine Crystal
STELLA
Wasn’t that Langdon Spritzer?
KENZIE
I guess.
STELLA
He’s so cute... And you know what
the women call him, right?
KENZIE
No.
STELLA
Instead of Langdon, it’s Long Dong.
KENZIE
Why? Is he Chinese?
STELLA
Huh?
Kenzie’s cell rings. It’s Ivan.
KENZIE
It’s my agent. Cover for me for a
sec, ok? Hello?
A jumble of excited Russian comes out of the ear piece.
KENZIE
What? Ivan? Calm down. I can’t
understand you. Speak English.
IVAN
Astrologist! Astrologist! (more
Russian)
KENZIE
What? Ivan. What’s the matter?
IVAN
Naked Corpse! I got Jules Blix to
read Naked Corpse!
KENZIE
What? Oh my god!
IVAN
(Russian, Russian) She loved it!
She wants her personal production
company to option it so it can be
her next movie! She offered one
million dollars!
KENZIE
Are you sure?
IVAN
I talk to her myself. Paperwork
will be here first thing in
morning. (Russian, Russian)
Remember, 15% off top for agent!
(laughing) 15%! (more laughing)
Happy days are here! I call when I
need you sign papers! (laughing)
He hangs up.
STELLA
What’s the matter?
KENZIE
I sold my script! I sold my script
for a million dollars!
The two women scream, jump up and down, and hug.
KENZIE
Oh my god. Cover for me. I’ve
gotta get out of here.
STELLA
Screw that. I’m coming with you.
Let’s party!
INSERT MONTAGE OF INCREDIBLY WILD AND FUNNY PARTYING IN
TIJUANA
INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Kenzie’s place looks even worse then the hotel room in The
Hangover after the drugs wore off (perhaps minus the
chicken). Kenzie, lying half on and half off the couch,
wakes up just in time to fall to the floor.
She gets up and staggers to her
INT. KENZIE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Past the gorgeous, COMPLETELY NAKED MAN sitting on her bed,
and over to the toilet where she relieves herself.
When she’s done she staggers back toward the living room when
she finally notices the man, RUDOLPHO and his HUGE PENIS.
KENZIE
Ah! Hi.
RUDOLPHO
Hello. Hey, thanks again for last night.
KENZIE
Oh, it was... It was... My pleasure.
RUDOLPHO
Sorry if I was annoying. I can get
a little loud. You weren’t
uncomfortable, were you?
KENZIE
(Staring at his dick)
Uncomfortable? Um. Not that I remember.
There’s a knock at the front door.
KENZIE
Um, I have to... Uh...
She bolts for the door and answers it. It’s her neighbor
Mark.
MARK
They finally got the door unstuck.
The landlord said it shouldn’t
happen again, but I’m not holding
my breath.
KENZIE
Who cares. I have problems.
There’s a gorgeous naked man in my
bedroom with a HUGE... Thing.
MARK
By thing, I’m guessing you’re
talking about a penis?
KENZIE
Yes!
MARK
Obviously, you mean Rudolpho.
KENZIE
Rudolpho?
MARK
Wow, you were more drunk last night
then I thought. I picked up
Rudolpho at a club and when we got
back here you were sprawled half
naked, asleep in your open doorway,
snoring, with your hand still on
the doorknob. My damned door got
stuck again and you graciously
offered us your bed for out carnal
delight. I’d apologize for keeping
you up all night, but it’s clear
that we didn’t.
KENZIE
Oh, I’m not sure if I’m relieved or
disappointed.
They’ve made their way into the living room where Rudolpho
has now joined them, still naked as a jay.
He kisses Mark good morning.
MARK
Why don’t you cover yourself up
before you hurt someone with that thing.
RUDOLPHO
K.
KENZIE
(Quickly) No, it’s ok, you don’t
have to cover up on my account.
Too late. He’s gone.
KENZIE
Oh, my head. I need some aspirin.
MARK
Might wanna check your answering
machine. Your phone was ringing
off the hook all night.
KENZIE
Probably just a bunch of jerks from
Tijuana who want to propose.
She glances at the machine after downing some drugs. There
are 158 messages.
KENZIE
Holy shit! What did I do last night?
She presses play.
IVAN
(message #1) Kenzie? You hear
news? Call me immediately.
IVAN
(message #2) Kenzie, is Ivan.
Where are you? Call me back.
IVAN
(message #3) Kenzie? I hope you
not do anything stupid. Is Ivan.
Call me when you get this.
KENZIE
Uh-oh.
IVAN
(message #4) Is Ivan again. Call
me.
Kenzie stops the player and dials Ivan.
KENZIE
Ivan. It’s Kenzie. What... What?... WHAT?
CUT TO:
INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER
Kenzie, Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are lounging. Stella is
reading from a laptop while everyone else has a newspaper or
magazine.
There are a stack of them scattered on the floor all with
photos of Jules Blix and Langdon Spritzer.
STELLA
(Reading) After a twenty-four hour
whirlwind romance superstar actress
Jules Blix and rock icon Langdon
Spritzer have announced their
engagement. Said Blix, “Langdon
gave me this amazing African statue
on our first date and I knew I was
completely smitten”. Awww.
KENZIE
I do not believe that... But why
quit acting.
MARK
(Reading) Blix and Spritzer have
decided that she will give up her
successful career in film to become
a housewife and raise little
Jules’s and Langdon’s to the dismay
of many production companies that
she’d signed deals with.
KENZIE
And one poor screenwriter that she
didn’t quite yet. I think I’m
gonna be sick. Well, at least I
still have my job at the boutique.
STELLA
Um... You don’t remember telling
Mr. Pinkston he could shove his job
up his wife’s fat ass and then suck
it out with a straw?
KENZIE
Please tell me you’re kidding...
Why didn’t you stop me? You’re
supposed to be my best friend.
STELLA
At the time I thought you were a
millionaire. It was all I could do
not to cheer you on. I mean, I
didn’t want to loose my job too.
KENZIE
Oh, God. Mark, remember when you
offered me that loan?
MARK
Yeah. But, that was when I knew
you were good for it. Now you’re
unemployed and a bad credit risk.
KENZIE
Christ. What am I gonna do?
The phone rings.
STELLA
Want me to get that?
KENZIE
Let the machine get it.
Message:
TODD
Hi Kenzie. It’s Todd. We went out
a few nights ago. I would really,
really like to see you again. Give
me a call and let’s set something up.
MARK
Well there you go. The answer to
your problems. That boy sounds
like he’s ready to propose over the
phone. Get married real quick and
then divorce him and take all his money.
STELLA
He doesn’t have any money or I
would have already married him
myself instead of fixing him up
with Kenzie.
KENZIE
And he’s a jerk. I had to give him
a sympathy blowjob just to get him
to leave.
RUDOLPHO
Wouldn’t it be nice if giving
blowjobs could make all our
troubles go away.
After a moment to ponder this thought:
STELLA
Actually, maybe it could.
KENZIE
What, you think I should become a prostitute?
STELLA
No. Although you’d probably do
well... No, I meant it’s too bad
you couldn’t just give Langdon
Spritzer a Kenzie special. He’d
dump Jules Blix. She’d go back to
acting and you’d get your script sold.
KENZIE
That’s awful. (Hold up photo of
Blix) Look at how happy she is.
Even though Spritzer is a scumbag,
I really like Jules. I wouldn’t
want to see her hurt.
STELLA
Oh, come on Kenzie. She might be
happy now, but you really think
he’s right for her? He’s already
made her give up her career. He’s
gonna keep her barefoot and
pregnant and while she’s all fat
and unhappy he’ll be off screwing
groupies while he’s on tour. You
said it yourself; he sleeps with so
many girls he makes them sign
waivers. You think that’s gonna change?
KENZIE
Probably not. But, I can’t...
He’s so slimy.
STELLA
Excuse me, Miss ‘I’ll blow a corpse
if it’ll save me three dollars at
Macy’s’. You wouldn’t suffer for
two minutes to sell your script for
a million bucks?
Kenzie is just about sold on the idea.
MARK
You’re not serious about this are
you? It’s a ridiculous idea.
STELLA
Why?
MARK
First, how could Kenzie get close
enough to even attempt it?
STELLA
You’ve got a point there.
KENZIE
He gave me his private cell number.
STELLA & MARK
What???
KENZIE
At the boutique. I threw it away,
but I imagine it’s still there.
MARK
Ok, but really... Really. As much
as guys love blowjobs, I highly
doubt you’re so orally talented
that two minutes with you could
make him dump Jules Blix.
KENZIE
I might have to dispute you on that one.
RUDOLPHO
Oh please. Every girl thinks she
gives the best head in the world,
but the truth is that no girl even
holds a candle to the least
talented guy. I mean how can a
girl, who obviously doesn’t have a
penis, fully understand how to
pleasure one as well as a man who’s
had one every day of his life?
MARK
That has been my experience too.
KENZIE
What do you want me to do? Prove
it by blowing you?
MARK
I am a connoisseur of receiving
fellatio, but I could never... I
mean I feel like your father...
STELLA
What would you do? Close your eyes
and pretend she’s a man?
MARK
Worked for twenty years with my
wife. But, really Kenzie, I’m
starting to feel uncomfortable even
talking about this.
She has already grabbed his hand and is pulling him
grudgingly off the couch and leading him to the bedroom.
KENZIE
Come on Kimo Sabi. It’ll be over
before you know it.
MARK
Kenzie, really... I can’t...
Really, no...
The bedroom door closes.
RUDOLPHO
No offense to your friend, but
after last night I doubt Mark will
even be able to get it up.
Stella continues reading on her laptop.
Rudolpho grabs a magazine and opens it.
A moment passes.
The bedroom door flies open and Mark storms out zipping up
his pants.
MARK
Come on. I’ll drive.
RUDOLPHO
Where are we going.
MARK
To the boutique to find that number.
Stella jumps up and Kenzie comes out of the bedroom wiping
her mouth.
MARK
And Rudolpho, maybe you could chat
with Kenzie some time and get some
pointers.
EXT. DUMPSTER BEHIND THE BOUTIQUE - LATER
Stella, Mark, and Rudolpho are digging through garbage cans
beside the dumpster when Kenzie pops up from inside of it
waving a scrap of paper.
KENZIE
Got it!
INT. CAR - LATER
Kenzie is dialing Langdon on her cell.
KENZIE
Hello, is Langdon Spritzer there?
Who is this? It’s Ke-
She quickly hangs up.
STELLA
Was it him? What happened?
KENZIE
I almost told him my name.
STELLA
You’re not gonna tell him your name?
KENZIE
If Langdon Spritzer knows my name,
then Jules Blix will know my name.
And if Jules Blix knows that Kenzie
Hunter stole her fiance I doubt
Jules Blix will want to purchase
Kenzie Hunter’s script for a
million dollars.
STELLA
You have a point there.
MARK
Didn’t he see your name tag at the
boutique.
KENZIE
Hopefully he won’t remember.
RUDOLPHO
You know, Jules Blix should never
see you at all until Spritzer is
completely out of the picture.
KENZIE
Yes.
INT. KENZIE’S LIVING ROOM - LATER
KENZIE
Ok. I need to plan this out. From
a fake name and background to some
dialogue to act out on the phone.
It’s just like writing a script. I
can do this. I just need a little time.
MARK
Well, don’t take too much time.
Look at this.
He tosses her a newspaper.
KENZIE
(Reading) The US leg of Spritzers’
tour finished on Sunday night in
Los Angeles, the same night as his
first date with Blix that ended in
a marriage proposal... So?
MARK
Keep reading.
KENZIE
What? Blah, blah, blah... And
then... Wait... The wedding has
been planned for Saturday after
which Blix will be joining Spritzer
on the next leg of his
international tour beginning in
Australia on Sunday... Australia
on Sunday??? That give me four days!
Stella hands over her cell phone. Kenzie dials again.
KENZIE
Hi, is this Langdon Spritzer?
Ah... Me? I’m... (Cue on laptop)
Dell... Della... (Cue on water
bottle) Nestle... Yep, Della
Nestle. Uh-huh, like the candy
bar. Um, don’t you remember me? I
sold you that African statue at the
Chic Boutique the other day... Uh,
yeah, I heard... Well, you’re
welcome... Yes...
Congratulations... But, I was
thinking that since you’re going to
be married soon... Um, very
soon... That... Ah... You might
wanna have one last little fling
before you tie the knot.... You
and Jules have discussed it? She’s
ok with that?... You’re what?...
Accepting applications?... You
prefer multiple women?... At least
three?... Do I have... Well, um,
I could get a few friends... I
suppose... No, I don’t mind
signing a waiver... Call back when
I’m ready?... Slots are going
fast?... Well, alright... I...
Hello? Hello? (Pause) I might
need to rethink this.
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